Chapter Four: Dealing with Reality

Author's Note: This story seems to be cranking from me at a pretty good pace at this point. Over the next few chapters I may raise the rating, depending on how far my own mind takes me into telling this tale. Be ready for some more dark images from Rinoa's past, as well as an affair you probably would never have guessed. Seifer's motives and Quistis' illness should become more clear soon, so be ready for some strong hits that may blindside ya!

It was the night before the SeeD field tests. Zell was worried about the Dollet mission, terrified by thoughts of "What if I don't finish? What if someone gets hurt?"

He was wondering around the halls late at night, knowing that he should be sleeping, resting up for the challenges that were certain to hit him the next day. Alas, his mind wandered, drifting in and out of negative thoughts. Occasionally they turned to happier "What if's?" but eventually the darkness took hold.

Wanting only to get some rest, he began walking back to his room when he heard footsteps ring out behind him. Stopping, he was almost afraid to turn around, to know who was coming up behind him.

Without warning hands circled around him, strong hands. They brought him crashing into the other person, who was definitely male. At first Zell was revolted, but as the other man's hands worked beneath his shirt and the cold fingers hit the warm flesh of his stomach, he gave in to the temptation.

Shadows fell around the hall and try as he might, Zell could not make out the face of the other person. He was pushed by the taller man against a wall, his arms pinned above his head with one strong hand. The darkness swelled around his face, blurring out any way of identifying him.

As Zell's pants were ripped from him, he thought he saw a flop of blonde hair before being turned to face the wall.

Cid and Edea moved from the train and entered the city of Balamb. There was only a short distance now until they reached the place where everything – and nothing – mattered. Edea had become increasingly more quiet on the train, growing more distant, silent, her mind off in the past. All the horrible things that were done in her name, just because she was too weak.

She still remembered the ice shard flying through the air during that parade. Still remembered the way it flew, by her command, at Squall, hitting him in the shoulder, piercing flesh with magic. Her magic. She could still see him falling, as if in slow motion, off the side of the float.

Seifer had been there with her, her Knight. He had not done his job with Squall as he was supposed to, so she had to take things into her own hands.

Now that they were almost at their destination, she felt a growing cold fill her. It was the dread of having to face her actions, of having to come to terms with her past, and she knew that she wasn't strong enough, that she wasn't ready.

"Maybe I should go back…" she said in a voice barely above a whisper.

"No." Cid said, as if it were that simple. "If you go back to the orphanage, you have to relive all those memories again."

She looked at him like he was crazy.

"You can deal with the distant past, which you cannot hope to change, or the recent past, which you may be able to." There he went, always sounding like a schoolteacher. He moved to Edea and brushed a strand of hair out of her face with a few loose fingers. A warm smile lit his face as he said, "They are stronger than you think. We can all get through this."

"I know what they think of me," she said. "I can feel it, even now."

"What you are feeling is the lingering feelings of betrayal. Those days are over. Dead. In the past. No matter what happens to those kids, they will always love their Matron."

"What about the girl?"

Cid looked at her, puzzled. "Who? Rinoa?"

"Yes."

"Well, what about her?"

"She was never at the orphanage. All I brought to her was pain and destruction. She was cursed, a sorceress, like myself. And I brought it all upon her. How could she ever forgive something like that?"

Cid smiled. "She's stronger than you think. Dealing with everything this life threw at her before you always seemed to be more of a weight on her mind than all that you say you did to her."

Edea looked away, at the bright sun above the city. At the people roaming around aimlessly, some shopping, some walking hand in hand with loved ones. She couldn't stop herself from thinking that these people were now beyond her reach, that the happiness they experienced she would never have. There they were, all smiles, not knowing how much destruction it took to get them all here, peaceful and laughing.

It took the destruction of her entire soul, amongst other things.

"I only hope… that I can find the solace that I need to go on…" was all she could say. Cid did not stop her when she moved ahead of him, meandering through the city streets.

She didn't know what to tell them to assure them that she was okay. Quistis was leaning her forehead against the window in her office, yes, her office. Cid trusted her with this position, and she knew that she was more than capable of performing.

Too bad she couldn't convince her friends that she knew what she was doing. One small episode of… whatever that was, was not enough to distract her. She can do this.

Outside the sun shone brightly. A few clouds drifted lazily across the sky. The perfect day, perfect weather. She looked over her shoulder, at the ever-growing stack of papers on her desk that she needed to fill out. Do this, do that. But she had to continue, it was her job. And no matter how much paper work she accumulated, she would always love what she did.

The last thing she needed was Cid to come back, with Edea nonetheless, and put her on an indefinite hiatus.

Something clutched at her gut, doubling her over in a spasm of momentary pain. No, she told herself. Stop. She had been getting these bursts of pain for the past few months but never bothered to let anyone know. They were her problem, and she didn't enjoy sharing her problems with others. This wasn't anything life-threatening, she was sure. In no part of her brain did she connect this with the episode she had the other day.

Recovering and pushing it to the back of her mind, she began thinking of what to say to Cid that would get him out of here, convince him that she was fine, just fine, and did not need his help, not matter what her friends may have told him.

Then there was Edea. Matron.

No, don't think about that, she scolded herself. She's coming, and there is nothing you can do. Except for getting them both out of there as quickly as possible.

Her breath came too quickly, too shallow, and she had to consciously force herself to stop and breathe nice and slow. Counting each one, taking it in, pausing, letting it go. These moments have been getting more and more frequent as time went on.

"What is going on?" she asked, sliding one hand along the windowpane. "Why is all this happening now?"

Speaking of, she remembered the man still in the hospital room. "Seifer," she hissed. She knew all too well what he was capable of and was angered at Squall for allowing him to stay here. She was the headmistress, didn't she have any say at all what happened within these walls?

Moving to her desk, she hit the speaker button. Her secretary piped up on the line, "Ms. Trepe?"

"Do I have any appointments with anyone this afternoon?"

"No ma'am. Squall arranged for all of your appointments to wait for the return of old Headmaster Cid."

Anger turned into slow building rage. "Thanks," she spat. "I think I'll take a walk then."

"Just remember that Headmaster Cid should be here by this evening."

"I will, don't worry," she said, not bothering to hide her disdain. She was going to have a little talk with Squall about all this.

Rinoa was bored.

She was not supposed to go see Seifer, after their last visit. Squall didn't understand the meaning of any of this, and didn't want her getting any deeper. He thought that maybe she would break.

Just because I'm a sorceress doesn't mean I'm helpless, she thought with a bitter undertone. In fact…

All this talk of sorceresses the past few months had been hard for her to hear. Never could she let her emotions run wild for fear of losing control and damaging all those she cared about. At the moment she almost felt like letting go to see what would happen.

She was lying sprawled out on her bed, the four poster canopy draped with the purest white silk. Never did she say she wasn't spoiled. A cool breeze blew in through the open French doors.

The door opening caused her to roll onto her side. Expecting Squall, she was ready to get angry, but that façade vanished as Zell poked his blonde head in. "Hope I'm not interrupting anything," he said softly.

"Nothing at all," Rinoa said, letting her annoyance show through her voice.

"What's wrong?" Zell asked, moving to the bed.

She patted the sheets and he sat. "It's Squall."

He cocked one eyebrow at her. "Something tells me that's not all."

"You're right," she said sarcastically. "It's also Selphie, Quistis, Seifer, and Edea."

Looking slightly pained, Zell laid back next to her. "I know what you're saying. I'm caught in all this too, ya know."

"I just feel so helpless. There's nothing I can do here."

"Maybe there isn't."

Rinoa shot him a withering look. "Thanks."

"Seriously. What do you want right now?"

Calming down a bit, Rinoa seemed genuinely confused. "I'm not following you."

"Okay," he said chuckling. "Let me guess. You can't help with Seifer because Squall won't let you because of your history together. You can't help Quistis because she's making it clear she doesn't want our help. And you don't want to be here when Edea returns. That about it?"

"Exactly," she said. "What are you getting at?"

"Don't deal with it. There is still one other problem," Zell said.

"Selphie."

"Yup."

"But, I wouldn't even know where to begin to look!" Rinoa said. "I get what you are saying, don't get me wrong, but as much as I would like to go look for her, where would I go?"

"Think back to the places that she felt safest. We all know she confided in you in a sisterly way." Zell was probing, but it was okay. In fact, Rinoa could see where he was going, and for the first time in awhile, she felt better, maybe even motivated. There was still something she could do to help someone.

"Where do you think I should go?"

"Well, Trabia is really off-limits. She would not go back there, just as much good memories as bad. I say you should almost retrace the footsteps from our last adventure."

Suddenly Rinoa remembered something. Something that she had chosen to not think about. A few words from someone she wished she could forget but knew that she never would. There was someone who would take Selphie in, and it would not turn out well. For anyone.

"Oh God," she said, breathless.

"What?" Zell asked, propping himself up on his elbows to get a better view of his friend. "What did you remember?"

"Oh no," Rinoa said. "I gotta go. Now!"

She jumped off her bed and rushed across the room to get a bag to pack some things she would need. Frantic, she shoved Zell away when he rushed to comfort her.

"What's going on?" he asked.

"I don't have time to explain. Just tell Squall that I am going to get Selphie." With that she spun on her heels and darted out of the room.

By the time Zell recovered enough to run out into the hall after her, she was already gone. "What the hell?" he asked no one.

Something scared the hell out of her, and he wanted to know what it was. But he knew that he wouldn't be able to go after her. There were things he needed to do here, things that he needed to get straightened out so he could move on with his life.

Whistling, he set off in search of Squall. Finally, it seemed as though something was going to be resolved.