Chapter Twelve: Losing Ground

Uh-oh! And who is on their way to Garden at that very moment? This chapter is going to have sooooo much angst from two people, can you guess who? Warnings for this one will probably be… language? Yes, I think so. And bad thoughts. A lot of bad thoughts.

can't you just fix it for me, it's gone berserk...
fuck i'll give you anything if
you can make the damn thing work

can't you just fix it for me, ill pay you well,
fuck ill pay you anything
if you can end this
hello, i love you will you tell me your name?
hello, i'm good for nothing - will you love me just the same?

"The Perfect Fit" by The Dresden Dolls

Afternoon sunlight fell across the bed and the two figures laying entwined in each other's embrace. Zell could not believe that this had finally happened, after so long of him dreaming about it, wishing for it. He shook awake when a bird chirped right outside the window, and as he looked groggily around the room he smiled for the first time in a while.

This felt so good, so… right. He never wanted any of this to end. Looking up into the other man's sleeping face, he craned his neck up and planted a soft kiss right on his lips.

"I love you Squall Leonhart," he whispered.

Running one hand down his flat chest, Zell explored his friend without fervor this time. He took all the time he wanted running his palm up and down, trying to memorize all his parts.

When Squall gave a soft groan and rolled over, Zell took his hand back, not sure if the other man was awakening or not. He decided to spoon him, and tucked his chin in the pocket made where Squall's shoulder met his neck. "Squall…" he said into his ear.

Finally rousing from his slumber, Squall turned over. A flicker of confusion shot through his eyes before he remembered all that had happened in the past few hours.

"Hi…" he mumbled, sleep choking in his throat. His voice was horse, and he wished that he had some water.

"I love you," Zell said, nestling his head into the warm skin of Squall's back.

The other man remained silent.

"Squall?"

So many emotions were running through Squall's head, blowing him out of orbit. He wanted to return the gesture, tell the man laying with him that he did, indeed, love him as well, but so many other things got in the way of him saying those three simple words. God knew when Rinoa would return home, but it seemed like she might at any moment, burst in upon the scene in his bedroom.

"Zell… I'm not going to lie to you," he said, turning to face his nearly life-long friend.

"About what?"

"This, all this," Squall started, sweeping his hand down the length of them, "can't happen."

Zell's eyes clouded over and the smile was wiped clean from his face. "What do you mean?"

Squall hesitated, not sure he wanted to bring it up. "It's Rinoa." Honesty was always the best policy, right? He knew that it could be harsh, and he usually came off that way, but it was the only way to get through most situations. Lying would only cause more misery later on, and the one thing Squall did not want to see was his friend in pain that was caused by him.

The shorter man stiffened before rolling out of the bed, landing on his feet. He was already halfway into his pants by the time Squall crawled to the edge of the bed, gathering the sheets around him, not sure whether he should be embarrassed by his nudity or not. Everything in the past few hours had been so confusing.

"Listen, Zell, please don't go away mad."

"What would I be mad at?" Zell asked sarcastically. "That you used me? That you did all those things to me, and now you regret it?"

"I don't regret it…"

"Then why? Didn't that feel right to you?" he almost was fully dressed, pulling his shirt over his head, down over the ripped abs that Squall had to turn away from.

"You know why," Squall was trying his hardest to keep his voice calm, but knew that the pain he was feeling do this was coming through underneath. "I'm in love with Rinoa."

"Then why me? Why now?" Zell stomped one foot down and glared at the man he had just had sex with.

"I don't know," he answered honestly. "Seifer is dead! Do you know what that means for me, for all of us? I was confused!"

Zell gave him an utterly disbelieving look before storming out of the room, slamming the door shut with all his might. He could not bear to hear those words emanate from the one he had harbored lust for all this time. Now he realized that since that day in the cave he had always wanted what they had, and with both of them.

He knew now that it was Seifer that night in the hall before the Dollet mission. So that man, who was now dead, as crazy as that sounded, had fulfilled Zell's dream. And now, after all this time, Squall did too. Should he have expected more from Squall? Why?

No answers greeted him as he fled down the halls, getting strange glances from the children around him.

The train rattled to a stop and Selphie knew that there was no going back. As much as she would love to remain on the train forever, to go wherever it would take her, she knew that she had to go back to Balamb Garden, it was time for her return. She was beginning to accept the fact that, though this life may not be the one she intended for herself, it was going to have to be the one she chose to live. It was apparent that her friends were not going to allow her out of this, that they would do whatever it takes to get her back to them. This knowledge simultaneously lifted her spirits and gave her the distinct feeling of being trapped.

"It's time." Rinoa had already grabbed her small bag and was making way for the door to their cabin. "Are you ready?"

"I don't think I ever will be," Selphie said in a small voice.

"It will be okay, there will be things that both of us have to go through, that both of us will have to deal with when we get back. As long as we stand tall, we can get through them together." Rinoa offered her best comforting smile, and saw it start to work on the wall that her friend had built up.

Something tore around the edges of Selphie's defenses, and she let it happen. A part of her desperately wanted to belong back in the group she once loved, but knowing that the sorceress herself was going to be at the Garden was a little much. Still, she could not resist Rinoa's smile, and even though she knew it was probably forced to get her to go along, it was enough. There were times when that was all it took, and Selphie was pretty certain that soon she would reach rock bottom and having anything she could reach out to grab would be one more thing to keep her steady.

"Like what?"

Blushing, Rinoa said, "I kind of didn't tell Squall that I was leaving. I was talking with Zell and felt like there was nothing I could do… and he mentioned you. I ran out of there as quickly as I realized where you were. Squall will like seeing that you are fine, but he's not going to be too happy with me when we get past that. During a rough time I ran from him."

Selphie pondered this for a minute, her brow creasing in thought. "Well, at least you know you made a difference now."

Those words slipped from her mouth partly because she thought that was something Rinoa needed to hear, but also because they were partly true. Though she did not wish to return to Garden, where would she have been if left in the tender care of General Caraway?

"You mean a lot to me, I have never taken our friendship for granted," Rinoa said plainly.

The two women stared at each other for a space of heartbeats before Selphie picked up her black backpack and followed the other woman out the door, into the hallway, which lead to the door of the train, which lead to the outside world. Garden was awaiting her, and she was filled with fear.

"God damnit," Zell said, pounding his fist into his mattress, nearly puncturing the material and hitting the metal springs. "Why the hell did this have to happen now?"

He stared across the room, eyeing himself in a mirror. Running up to it, he put one hand on either side and stared himself down. His eyes were swollen and pink, bloodshot from crying. Bags hung under his eyes, and tears streamed down his face.

How he wanted to be free of all these petty emotions that coursed through his body! Now he was filled with regret, wishing that he had never gone to Squall in the first place. But he had been scared, and weak, and made what he was quickly starting to think of the worst mistake in his life. How would he ever be able to face the man again, after all that had happened?

Part of him still pictured Squall towering over him, sword at the ready, bloodlust filling his eyes, ready to strike. At him. He knew that one more word and Squall would have killed him, then thought about it later. Obviously that is what had happened with Seifer.

"FUCK!" he cried, wanting more than this.

Maybe Selphie had the right idea, he thought. Maybe it is better for her now, without having to deal with all this every fucking day. He now found himself hoping that Rinoa had been wrong about where to find her and that she never did. He hoped that Selphie ran far enough that no one would ever be able to find her, and she could live out the rest of her days in peace.

His communication link beeped at him from his desk. Grunting, wishing he could will himself to ignore it, knowing he couldn't, he took the two steps across his room.

"Yes?" he said, deciding it was better to sound angry than hurt.

"It's me."

How dare Squall call him so soon! Filled with outrage, Zell shouted "What the fuck do you want?" into the link without realizing how angry he truly was.

There was a moment's silence before the man on the other end responded. "I just wanted to tell you that Rinoa and Selphie have just gotten off a train in Balamb, and are on their way back here. Sorry for calling…"

Zell had heard the message, and slammed the link closed between them. "Wonderful!" he screamed at the empty room.

So Selphie was being dragged back here too, then? There was no was either of them could possibly know what lay in store for them when they walked through those gates and entered this place. So much had changed so quickly…

Two people they had once interacted with were dead. Cid, their beloved Headmaster, was gone. And Seifer, bitter rival to everything they stood for, was out of the picture. He wondered how they would react, and then decided he would boil if he stayed in that room.

Changing quickly, he left and ran out to the training grounds. There had to be something to take his mind off everything there. There had to…

It hit her the moment she walked through the main gates that welcomed her back to her home.

"Rinoa…" she started.

The raven-haired girl turned around, giving Selphie a skeptical look. "Yeah?"

"I don't think I will be able to…" she motioned toward the school.

"What do you have to be afraid of? We're home now, everything will be okay. You'll see," she offered one of her biggest smiles and extended a hand toward the other girl. "Everything is better."

"I just feel something isn't right," Selphie replied, ignoring the hand that was held out to her. "I know that as soon as I step through those main doors, something horrible is going to happen."

"Like what?"

"I don't know!" Selphie cried.

Rinoa was finally starting to put everything into place. Realization donned in her eyes and Selphie was glad to see that, even though it was probably for all the reasons, Rinoa was beginning to understand her position. "Is there something that happened within this school that made you want to run?" She asked in a low voice.

"It's not like that."

"Then what is it? Please, Selphie, I am here for you. Tell me what is going on so I can help you."

Meeting her gaze, Selphie said, "Nothing happened inside the school. It is the school that's the problem. Not individual events, but the collective memories of pain and misery that I suffer each and every night. Knowing that this Garden remains unharmed while the one I grew up in after leaving the orphanage is still in ruins."

She paused, taking a great heaving breath, and Rinoa felt her heart crumble. This was not a place she could go where she would know what to do. In most situations she knew what to say, what action to take to make everything at least appear better. From all the things that she tried to ready herself, all the things Selphie might have said, what she did say was nowhere on the list.

"I am so sorry," she said, unsure of what else she could say to lighten the weight Selphie obviously carried around with her. Had the happy-go-lucky girl they had all known and loved only been a front for the tortured soul that hid beneath?

Together they made the trip back into the Garden which housed all their greatest demons.

The sun was setting and Selphie didn't know what was going on. As soon as they had entered the foyer to the school, Squall whisked Rinoa away and Selphie was escorted to her rooms, promises made that everything would be explained. She noticed that a lot of people weren't wandering around as usual and knew that something was up.

When she entered her room she slammed her bag on her bed, still unmade from the morning she fled in the first place. That seemed like so long ago, even though it had been only a little over a week.

Everything felt foreign to her around the Gardens, and she knew that could not stay there.

Sitting on the window ledge, watching the sun set, it hit her that she was going to have to leave again, that she did not want to know what the problem was, and why Squall was being so hush-hush about it. Eyeing the still packed bag, she knew that if she really wanted to, freedom could be hers once again.

There was a knock at the door, and Zell opened it without her giving him the go ahead. He poked his blonde head in and smiled his trademark half smirk, half dumb joy smile.

"Hey…" he started, then, upon noticing her crestfallen face, the smile faded from his face. "What's up?"

He slid effortlessly into the room and sat on the corner of her bed, suddenly looking uneasy. It was obvious that the perky girl was not happy here, and he should do something about that, but the words were not coming. Certain things had no words to answer, nothing that could be said to fix things.

And he knew how it felt.

Since he left Squall earlier that morning he felt lost, defeated. More and more it seemed that what Selphie did was the best option. How did she ever find the courage to go through with it? He wanted to ask her, but he knew that she wouldn't be able to give an adequate response. Whatever urged her to run was beyond articulation.

They sat in silence, both knowing what the other one was thinking, and respecting all that had passed.

"So this is it, right?" Selphie asked, turning her attention away from Zell and focusing back out the window, watching the last dying embers of daylight fade into the purple-black of twilight. This had always been her favorite time of day, when things blur. When lines fade and crash into one another. Black and white disappear, replaced with the gray area that filled her mind and body.

"I suppose so," Zell said, shaking his head. Then he remembered the reason he went to the room. "Squall wanted to invite you down to dinner. He promises to explain all that is happening."

"What if I can't go back there?"

Her voice was weak, small. It moved slowly across the room before hitting Zell, and he wanted to break down and cry for both of them. "Things are bad here," he said, but that didn't seem right.

"She lied…"

"Who?" Zell asked, rising from the bed and going to her side. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders and squeezed. Both of them needed this human contact, both of them needed to feel alive. "Who lied?"

Selphie looked up at Zell, and something between anger and sadness mixing in her eyes. "Rinoa. She told me… that things would get better. Why don't they ever get better?"

Zell couldn't answer that. Why were there so many questions? He wanted to lie and tell her that everything was going to work out alright, but he couldn't find the strength to give her another fake feeling of solace. Her world had been shattered recently, and he couldn't bear to do it again. He would not subject her to that.

"We're friends, right?" he asked.

"Yes."

"Then can you trust me. If you go to dinner, things will at least make sense. I can't promise you that everything will work out and we'll all live happily ever after, but I can promise you some answers to questions I am sure you have."

She weakly gave a nod, and sent a thought out to the last ray of orange about the mountains in the distance. Keep me safe, let me live through this.