So, summer's here, and definitely in full swing here in California. The heat is unbearable at times, but with summer comes more time to write. I hope you readers enjoy this little parody of mine; it's been passed around by my friends for almost a year on a notebook with crude drawings and wrinkled papers. And now, chapter 7, now with extra summer chaos! –Jason
Jason's Pond
Chapter 7: Dial "T" for Titans!
"Damn, I thought I was over these hangovers," I said, too weak to get out of bed. My eyes wandered to ceiling, and being the deep thinker I am, I wondered why in the hell I was in a hospital surrounded by dead flowers and melted chocolates.
"I guess this is what Hell is like," I observed, moaning. Just then, Starfire came rushing into the room, wearing nothing but a thong and cheap perfume that made her smell like the cheap French whore she was. "OMIGOD! Jason, you're alive!" she said, clapping her hands. "Unfortunately," I groaned, wishing I really was in Hell. "What is going on? Why am I in a hospital? And why are you here, making me feel worse?"
Before she could answer, Beast Boy and Raven walked in. "Hey dude, you're finally up. It's about time," Beast Boy said, annoyed. "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?" I screamed, then screamed again at the pain in my throbbing head.
"You don't remember?" Raven asked.
"Remember what?"
"You've been in a coma for over two months!" she answered. I looked at her and figured she had found Beast Boy's hidden stash of pot. "You're lying," I said, laughing like a maniac. "You're all crazy! Crazy!"
"No, it's true. You jumped out of the tower and fell 17 stories and landed in a bush," Beast Boy summed it up nicely.
"Damn," I sighed, reality hitting me like a ton of bricks. "So, what did I miss for two months?"
"Nothing really; Jacko went free and some celebrities got married, then divorced, then started a reality show, then got featured in tabloids, then got married again," Raven noted.
"Wow. Say, can you knock me out again?" I asked politely, giving Beast Boy an aluminum baseball bat.
"Hell no; we've got stuff to do!" the changeling said.
"Yeah, Robin and Cyborg annexed the tower into a "gay adult toy store", whatever that is," Starfire thought out loud.
"You know what? Doing stuff sounds good. Still have that stashed vodka, Green Bean?"
"Don't call me Green Bean!"
"Sorry, Green Bean."
"Jason!"
"Alright, Green Bean. I'll stop."
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On the way out of the hospital, an old woman was screaming at the top of her lungs for help. "What's wrong, old lady?" I asked, running over to her.
"Oh, please, can you help me? My career's stuck in that tree and can't get down!" she said, crying. I looked at Beast Boy and he just shrugged. I started to climb the tree and a moment later saw a career sitting on a branch. I grabbed it and jumped down, landing on my ass. "Ow, my ass," I said observantly, rubbing it.
"Oh thank you! Thank you young man!" the old woman cooed, grabbing her career from me. "Hey, aren't you Joan Rivers?" Raven asked, looking the woman over. "Oh darling, yes I am!" she said.
"With all that plastic surgery, I didn't recognize you," I commented rudely, and everyone laughed. "Yes, I am quite ugly," Joan Rivers laughed along with us.
"So, what are you doing here?" Beast Boy asked. "Well, I decided to get more botox, so I waiting for my injection," she explained.
"Enough with the chit chat…where's my damn reward for saving your career?" I asked, holding out an open palm. "Superheroes havta to eat too, lady."
Joan Rivers smiled, and reached into her purse. A moment later, she placed a roll of breath mints in my hand. "There you go kids!"
I looked at the old bag and slapped her across her ugly face, which made the sound of a waterbed being slapped. "Bitch, don't insult my intelligence!"
"…or what's left of it," Raven laughed. Joan Rivers got up and I noticed I was holding a layer of her botoxed skin. I resisted the urge to vomit and threw it down on the ground.
"You'll pay for that!" she screamed, now looking about 23 years older. She lunged at my throat and I quickly side-stepped away.
"Um, a little help here?" I said to my two friends. "You're a big boy, you take care of this yourself," Raven said in an "I-know-everything" tone. "Damn you Raven," I said angrily, reaching into my hoister for my sword.
Joan Rivers jumped into the air and the second she was about to land her punch, I whipped out my sword and chopped off her head in one swift motion. Her old-woman body landed on the ground with an animated PLOP, and I stood in a ninja-stance, the sun glowing in the background.
"We Are the Champions" was playing in the background and it was starting to get annoying. "Where's that damn music coming from?" I asked angrily.
"Oh, sorry dude," Beast Boy said, turning off his stereo.
"So, what now?" Raven asked. "I'm hungry, let's hit Chipotle," I said. "C'mon Starfire; we're going!"
"Coming!" she yelled, waving good-bye to a naked Batman.
We joined hands and starting singing "Holiday" by Green Day off-key, skipping off into the cliché sunset.
Join me next time at the pond. See ya!