Pulp Potter

by Kevin Hirn

It's the story of Harry Potter and his friends and enemied turned to crime through the eyes of Quentin Tarantino. It's a funny, Harry Potter story but taking some diologue and plot from Pulp Fiction, but a different story in it's own right. Chapter 2 up.

1. Ron and Hermione

Disclaimer: I own neither this script's diologue, Harry Potter or Pulp Fiction. As if you would think I did.

INT. LEAKY CAULDRON - MORNING

In the Leaky Cauldron in London. It's about 9:00 in the morning. While the place isn't jammed,

there's a healthy number of people drinking coffee, munching on kipper and eating eggs.Two of these people are

RON and HERMIONE. RON has a slight working-class English accent and, like his fellow countryman, drinks

firewhiskey like it's going out of style. It is impossible to tell where Hermione is from or how old she is; everything

she does contradicts something she did. The boy and girl sit in a booth. Their dialogue is to be said in a rapid-

pace"HIS GIRL FRIDAY" fashion.

RON

No, forget it, it's too risky. I'm through doin' that shit.

HERMIONE

You always say that, the same thing every time: never again, I'm through, too dangerous.

RON

I know that's what I always say. I'm always right too, but --

HERMIONE

-- but you forget about it in a day or two --

RON

-- yeah, well, the days of me forgittin' are over, and the days of me rememberin' have just begun.

HERMIONE

When you go on like this, you know what you sound like?

RON

I sound like a sensible fucking man, is what I sound like.

HERMIONE

You sound like a duck (imitates a duck) Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack...

RON

Well take heart, 'cause you're never gonna hafta hear it again. Because since I'm never gonna do it again, you're never

gonna hafta hear me quack about how I'm never gonna do it again.

HERMIONE

After tonight. The boy and girl laugh, their laughter putting a pause in there, back and forth.

RON

(with a smile) Correct. I got all tonight to quack.

A WAITRESS comes by with a pot of butterbeer.

WAITRESS

Can I get anybody anymore butterbeer?

HERMIONE

Oh yes, thank you.

The Waitress pours Hermione's coffee. Ron lights up another firewhiskey.

RON

I'm doin' fine.

The Waitress leaves. Ron takes a drag off of his drink. Hermione pours a ton of cream and sugar into

her butterbeer.

Ron goes right back into it.

RON

I mean the way it is now, you're takin' the same fuckin' risk as when you rob Gringotts. You take more of a risk. Banks

are easier! Goblin banks aren't supposed to stop you anyway, during a robbery. They're insured, why should they

care?This one guy, hehands the floo to the teller, the guy on the other end of the floo said: "We got this guy's

little girl, and if you don't give him all your galleons, we're gonna kill 'er."

HERMIONE

Did it work?

RON

Fuckin' A it worked, that's what I'm talkin' about! Knucklehead walks in a bank with floo powder, not a wand, not a

cauldron, but a fuckin' floo, cleans the place out, and they don't lift a fuckin' finger.

HERMIONE

Did they hurt the little girl?

RON

I don't know. There probably never was a little girl -- the point of the story isn't the little girl. The point of the story is

they robbed the bank with a floo.

HERMIONE

You wanna rob Gringotts?

RON

I'm not sayin' I wanna rob Gringotts, I'm just illustrating that if we did, it would be easier than what we been doin'.

HERMIONE

So you don't want to be a bank robber?

RON

Naw, all those guys are goin' down the same road, either dead or servin' twenty in Azkaban

HERMIONE

And no more butterbeer stores?

RON

What have we been talking about? Yeah, no-more-butterbeer-stores. Besides, it ain't the giggle it usta be. Too many

foreigners own liquor stores. Goblins, Hags, they can't fuckin' speak English. You tell 'em: "Empty out

the register," and they don't know what it fuckin' means. They make it too personal. We keep on, one of those beast

motherfuckers' gonna make us kill 'em.

HERMIONE

I'm not gonna kill anybody.

RON

I don't wanna kill anybody either. But they'll probably put us in a situation where it's us of them. And if it's not the

beasts, it these old centaurs who've owned the store for fifteen fuckin' generations. Ya got Grandpa Bane sittin' behind

the counter with a fuckin' arrow. Try walkin' into one of those stores with nothin' but a floo, see how far it gets you.

Fuck it, forget it, we're out of it.

HERMIONE

Well, what else is there, day jobs?

RON

(laughing) Not in this life.

HERMIONE

Well what then?

RON

Garcon! Butterbeer!

Then looks to his girl.

RON

This place.

The Waitress comes by, pouring him some more.

WAITRESS

(snotty) "Garcon" means boy.

She splits.

HERMIONE

Here? It's the Leaky Cauldron.

RON

What's wrong with that? People never rob restaurants, why not? Bars, butterbeer stores, gas stations, you get your

head hexed off stickin' up one of them. Restaurants, on the other hand, you catch with their pants down. They're not

expecting to get robbed, or not as expecting.

HERMIONE

(taking to idea) I bet in places like this you could cut down on the hero factor.

RON

Correct. Just like banks, these places are insured. The managers don't give a fuck, they're just tryin' to get ya out the

door before you start pluggin' diners. Waitresses, forget it, they ain't takin' a jinx for the register. Busboys, some

teenager gettin' paid about two knuts an hour gonna really give a fuck you're stealin' from the owner. Customers are

sittin'there with food in their mouths, they don't know what's goin' on. One minute they're havin' a wizard's omelette,

next minute somebody's stickin' a wand in their face.

Hermione visibly takes in the idea. Ron continues in a low voice.

RON

See, I got the idea last liquor store we stuck up. 'Member all those customers kept comin' in?

HERMIONE

Yeah.

RON

They you got the idea to take everybody's money bag.

HERMIONE

Uh-huh.

RON

That was a good idea.

HERMIONE

Thank you.

RON

We made more from the money bags then we did the owner.

HERMIONE

Yes we did.

RON

A lot of people go to the Leaky Cauldron.

HERMIONE

(catching on)A lot of money bags.

RON

Pretty smart, huh?

Hermione scans the restaurant with this new information. She sees all the PATRONS eating, lost in conversations.

The tired WAITRESS, taking orders. The BUSBOYS going through the motions, collecting dishes. The MANAGER

complaining to the COOK about something. A smile breaks out on the Hermione face.

HERMIONE

Pretty smart. (into it) I'm ready, let's go, right here, right now.

RON

Remember, same as before, you're crowd control, I handle the employees.

HERMIONE

Got it.

They both take out their wands and lay them on the table. He looks at her and she back at him.

HERMIONE

I love you, Ron.

RON

I love you, Hermione.

And with that, Ron and Hermione grab their wands,

stand up and rob the Leaky Cauldron. Pumpkin's robbery persona

is that of the in-control professional. Honey Bunny's is that

of the psychopathic, hair-triggered, loose cannon.

RON

(yelling to all)

Everybody be cool, this is robbery!

HERMIONE

Any of you fuckin' pricks move and I'll execute every one of you motherfuckers! Got that?

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