Pulp Potter

by Kevin Hirn

It's the story of Harry Potter and his friends and enemied turned to crime through the eyes of Quentin Tarantino. It's a funny, Harry Potter story but taking some diologue and plot from Pulp Fiction, but a different story in it's own right. Chapter 2 up.

2. Snape, Malfoy, and the Order

Two Nimbus 2001s fly across London and down to

a homeless-ridden street in Hogsmeade. In the front seat are

two young fellas -- one white, one even whiter -- both wearing cheap

black cloaks with thin black tunics under long green robes.

Their names are SEVERUS SNAPE (white) and LUCIUS MALFOY

(really white). They dismount the brooms and take out two short dark wands.

SNAPE

We should have duel wands for this kind of deal.

MALFOY

How many up there?

SNAPE

Three or four.

MALFOY

Counting our guy?

SNAPE

I'm not sure.

MALFOY

So there could be five guys up there?

SNAPE

It's possible.

MALFOY

We should have fuckin' duel wands.

They EXIT.

CUT TO:

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING COURTYARD - MORNING 4.

Snape and Malfoy, their long matching overcoats practically

dragging on the ground, walk through the courtyard of what

looks like a hacienda-style Wizard's apartment building.

We TRACK alongside.

SNAPE

How's your son.

MALFOY

Here we go again.

SNAPE

What the fuck Lucius? Think we broke you out of Azkaban so your son, 'Draco', could go all Wormtail on our asses and seek refuge with Dumbly and the Order of the Mudbloods.

MALFOY

Don't blame me for my idiot son. He'll get what's coming. Fucking Potter.

SNAPE

Real stylish nowadays. All the Death Eaters blame all the problems on big little Harry Potter.

MALFOY

You should seriously get some therapy, Snape.

SNAPE

I know.

5. INT. RECEPTION AREA (APARTMENT BUILDING) - MORNING 5.

Snape and Malfoy walk through the reception area and wait for

the elevator.

SNAPE

It ain't time back. Let's lay low.

MALFOY

What time is it?

SNAPE

7:22 in the A.M.

MALFOY

Eight long measly minutes.

SNAPE

Yep.

MALFOY

so, yay the Dark Lord.

SNAPE

Yeah, praise him. Heard about Bellatrix Lestrange?

MALFOY

What? Oh yeah.

SNAPE

Can't pelieve that fatass Squib Longbottom got her. The Mudblood Granger must have done every step of the way for that… that… Squib.

MALFOY

Yeah.

SNAPE

But what the Squib did next disturbs me even more.

MALFOY

What did he do?

SNAPE

He eat her brains, took out her eyes, and had sex with her sockets. Guess Granger didn't wanna do it with a Squib.

MALFOY

You know Granger ran after the blood traitor Weasley.

SNAPE

Which one?

MALFOY

Who cares. They're all the same.

SNAPE

Which one? The one who always shadowed Potter?

MALFOY

Couldn't tell ya.

SNAPE

Why?

MALFOY

Don't feel like it.

SNAPE

Bitch gonna kill more niggers than time.

MALFOY

What was that?

SNAPE

Nothin'. Let's get into character.

MALFOY

What'd you say?

SNAPE

I didn't say shit. Let's go to

work.

MALFOY

Don't play with me, you said somethin', now what was it?

SNAPE

(referring to the job) Do you wanna do this?

MALFOY

I want you to repeat what you said.

SNAPE

That door's gonna open in about thirty seconds, so git yourself together --

MALFOY

-- my self is together --

SNAPE

-- bullshit it is. Stop thinkin' 'bout that , and get yourself together like a qualified pro.

INT. APARTMENT (ROOM 49) - MORNING 8.

TWO YOUNG GUYS, ONE REALLY REALLY OLD GUY, obviously in over their

heads, sit at a table with hamburgers, french fries and butterbeer

laid out. One of them flips the LOUD BOLT on the door, opening it to

REVEAL Snape and Malfoy in the hallway.

JULES

Hey kids.

The two men stroll inside.

The two young and one super-old caught-off-guard Guys are:

KINGSLEY

The black young man, who open the door, will, as the scene

progresses, back into the corner.

LUPIN

A fuckin' werewolf, lying down on the fuckin' sofa.

DUMBLEDORE

If you don't know who Dumbledore is…

Snape and Malfoy take in the place, with their hands in their

pockets. Snape is the one who does the talking.

SNAPE

How you boys doin'?

No answer.

SNAPE

(to Dumbledore)

Am I trippin', or did I just ask

you a question.

SNAPE

We're doin' okay, Severus.

As Snape and Dumbledore talk, Malfoy moves behind the young Guys.

SNAPE

Do you know who we are?

Dumbledore nods his head: "Yes."

SNAPE

Well look at the prestigious Order of the Phoenix now. Amazing. Guess Mad-Eye and Pink-Hair are on 'guard duty'?

No answer.

SNAPE

(to Dumbledore)

Now I'm gonna take a wild guess here: you're Dumbledore, right?

DUMBLEDORE

I'm he.

SNAPE

Yeah, well- EXPELLIARMUS!

Lupin, Dumbledore and Kingsley lose their wands. They fly in to the hand of Lucius, who after a lot of hard work, snaps them all in half.

DUMBLEDORE

Shit.

SNAPE

Good for you. Looks like me and Lucy caught you at breakfast, sorry 'bout that. What'cha eatin'?

DUMBLEDORE

Kippers.

SNAPE

Kippers! The cornerstone of any

nutritious breakfast. What kinda

kippers?

DUMBLEDORE

How many kinds of kipper are there?.

SNAPE

Fair point. I ain't never had one myself, how are they?

DUMBLEDORE

You never had a kipper?

SNAPE

Mind if I try one of yours?

DUMBLEDORE

No.

SNAPE

Yours is this one, right?

DUMBLEDORE

Yeah.

Snape grabs the fish and take a bite of it.

SNAPE

Uuummmm, that's a tasty kipper. (to Malfoy) Lucy, you ever try a Kipper?

MALFOY

No.

Snapeholds out the Kipper.

SNAPE

You wanna bite, they're real good.

MALFOY

I ain't hungry.

SNAPE

Well, if you like fish give 'em a try sometime. (he points to a fast food drink cup) What's in this?

DUMBLEDORE

Butterbeer.

SNAPE

Butterbeer, good, mind if I have some of your tasty beverage to wash this down with?

DUMBLEDORE

Sure.

Snape grabs the cup and takes a sip.

SNAPE

Uuuuummmm, hit's the spot!

(to Lupin)

You, wolfy, you know what we're here for? Lupin nods his head: "Yes."

SNAPE

Then why don't you tell my boy here Lucy, where you got the shit hid.

KINGSLEY

It's under the be --

SNAPE

-- I don't remember askin' you a

goddamn thing.

(to Lupin)

You were sayin'?

LUPIN

It's under the bed.

MALFOY moves to the bed, reaches underneath it, pulling out a

black snap briefcase.

MALFOY

Got it.

Malfoy flips the two locks, opening the case. We can't see

what's inside, but a small glow emits from the case. Malfoy

just stares at it, transfixed.

SNAPE

We happy?

No answer from the transfixed Malfoy.

SNAPE

Malfoy?

Malfoy looks up at Snape.

SNAPE

We happy?

Closing the case.

MALFOY

We're happy.

DUMBLEDORE

I just want you to know how sorry

we are about how fucked up things

got between us and Voldemort.

When we entered into this thing, we

only had the best intentions --

SNAPE

Avada Kedavra!

Snape has just shot the reclining Lupin woth a killing curse straight to the chest.

Malfoy smiles to himself. Snape has got style.

Dumbledore has just shit his pants. He's not crying or whimpering,

but he's so full of fear, it's as if his body is imploding.

SNAPE

(to Dumbledore)

Oh, I'm sorry. Did that break your

concentration? I didn't mean to do

that. Please, continue. I believe

you were saying something about "best intentions."

Dumbledore can't say a word.

JULES

Whatsamatter Headmasta? Oh, you were through anyway. Well, let me retort. Would you describe for me what the Dark Lord looks like?

Dumbledore still can't speak.

Jules SNAPS, SAVAGELY TIPPING the Gobstones table over, removing the only barrier between himself and Dumbledore. Dumbledore now sits in a lone chair before Snape like a political prisoner in front of an interrogator.

SNAPE

What country you from!

DUMBLEDORE

(petrified)

What?

SNAPE

"What" ain't no country I know! Do they speak English in "What?"

DUMBLEDORE

(near heart attack)

What?

SNAPE

English-motherfucker-can-you-speak-it?

DUMBLEDORE

Yes.

SNAPE

Then you understand what I'm sayin'?

DUMBLEDORE

Yes.

SNAPE

Now describe what the Dark Lord looks like!

DUMBLEDORE

(out of fear)

What?

Snape pulls out wand.

SNAPE

Say "What" again! C'mon, say

"What" again! I dare ya, I double

dare ya motherfucker, say "What"

one more goddamn time!

Dumbledore is regressing on the spot.

SNAPE

Now describe to me what the Dark Lord looks like.

Dumbledoredoes his best.

DUMBLEDORE

Well he's ...he's...bald --

SNAPE

-- go on!

DUMBLEDORE

...and he's...he's...pale --

SNAPE

-- does he look like a bitch!

DUMBLEDORE

(without thinking)

What?

Snape's eyes go to Malfoy, Malfoy smirks, Snapes rolls his

eyes and…

SNAPE

Crucio!

Dumbledore SCREAMS, breaking into a SHAKING/TREMBLING SPASM in the

chair.

SNAPE

Does-he-look-like-a-bitch!

DUMBLEDORE

(in agony)

No.

SNAPE

Then why did you try to fuck 'im like a bitch!

DUMBLEDORE

(in spasm)

I didn't.

Now in a lower voice.

SNAPE

Yes ya did Dumbledore. Ya tried ta fuck

'im. You ever read the Bible,

Dumbledore?

DUMBLEDORE

(in spasm)

Yes.

SNAPE

There's a passage I got memorized, seems appropriate for this situation: Ezekiel 25:17. "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you."

AVADA KEDAVRA!

---

All is quiet.

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A/N I know this may seem evil but trust me, there is a plot twist coming up later, so just hold tight.