PAGES 3
"You just got home two days ago!" Itachi pointed out.
"Why did you accept the mission? There are other idle units available." Kakashi asked, curious. There was anger in his eyes, annoyance even. "You're always being summoned. It's not healthy for you, Ruka."
Iruka sighed and reached out to comfort Kabuto who was looking hurt and very worried to even protest like the other two. "We already spoke about this before. You know how ANBU missions can get."
"You're going to be gone for a week! You just got back!" Kakashi pressed.
"Kashi …" Iruka sighed, rubbing a temple.
"I'm not trying to dictate you or anything. But come on! Itachi is right! You just got back and we're not even at a war! Why do you have to go?" Kakashi demanded. "You're overworking yourself again."
Iruka stopped mid packing and stared at his sword quietly. "I'm not over working myself."
"Then what?" Kabuto asked quietly. "Last time, you came home with bruises and a nearly crushed arm. Two weeks ago, you couldn't even channel chakra properly from the amount of soldier pills you took."
"It was a difficult mission, Kabuto. You three know very well I lost two men on that mission." Iruka continued packing and taking his uniform out – a new set since the other was damaged to the point that it looked like rags.
"We know." Itachi nodded. "It's just so soon."
Kakashi threw his hands in the air, getting impatient. "Are you trying to kill yourself again?"
Iruka kept packing. "Why would I do that?" The smile remained on his face. "You three wouldn't let me go the last time. I refuse to put more lives in danger after that."
No one spoke.
There were no words that could be formed.
But Iruka smiled at them once he was done packing and led them to bed.
By morning, the three found Iruka's weapons, uniform and mask gone.
-
It was nearly two weeks later, when Iruka was carried by two of his teammates back to the village did any of the three hear from him again. Only this time, Iruka was in the hospital under the Intensive Care Unit by the Hokage herself.
It was only days later were visitors allowed in.
Itachi used the window.
Iruka only smiled at them. "I lost a man and his son on the field. I tried to protect them. The boy was new in ANBU. I'm sorry I made you three worry."
None can say that his teammates were not worth his life. Kabuto wouldn't say it because he knows it will hurt Iruka. Itachi knows that too. Kakashi would contradict everything he believed in if he went against what Iruka said.
But Iruka kept smiling.
"We're just glad you're alive and back." Itachi said, dark eyes lowering with sadness and the prospect of nearly losing Iruka made him feel lost.
"Don't go. Not so soon." Kakashi pleaded silently.
Iruka just kept smiling.
-
"Ne, ne, sempai! Aren't you going home yet?" My colleague asked.
"No. Not yet." I shake my head, smiling a bit. Kakashi, Itachi and Kabuto are waiting for me at home, that I know. It's a fine spring evening, and they were making dinner.
My colleague gives me an understanding look. "Empty house, huh?"
I stopped marking the paper in front of me and smile a bit sadly at her before nodding and looking at the paper again. "Empty house …"
-
Once he was discharged from the hospital, the first thing he did after making sure that things at home are running fine was go to the Cenotaph. He saw the familiar names of his parents and of his old friends and those students he let loose. There were names of colleagues and relatives as well in rows upon rows of carved names. But he's not looking at them. His fingers reached out to trace the new names of people he knew and trusted on his team.
In the past ten months, he lost a total of eleven squad members.
He doesn't want to lose any more.
He whispered a prayer for their souls and vowed to get better and not lose anyone again.
With a determined look, he headed for the Hokage's office.
"I would like to drop my position as a squad leader." Iruka said quietly, but direct and looking directly at Tsuande. "I would like to be demoted to being a squad member instead."
Tsunade didn't have to argue. "Granted. What's your reason?"
"I lost too much. I don't want to lose more. Please put me under harder training." Iruka requested, dipping his head.
"I was going to talk to you about that." Tsunade said tiredly and motioned for Iruka to sit down. "Two people came to me yesterday to express their concern on the matter."
"Hatake Kakashi. Yakushi Kabuto." Iruka said, face quiet and unreadable. "I figured as much."
"They care for you." Tsunade added.
"I know." Iruka looked at his feet. "I know they mean well."
"You know very well Kakashi has his rank as a special Jounin. Kabuto requested to accompany you on your missions as a medic. He'll be good under your watch."
"I understand your intentions, Hokage-sama, but I'm sorry. I refuse to have Kabuto on my team. I refuse to work with him any more. Please understand." Iruka directed Tsunade a near pleading look. "I'm no longer a squad member. I've decided to do solo missions."
"But Iruka – "
"Please Hokage-sama!" Iruka begged. "I – I need to bring honor to my family! I'll do it alone if I have to. I need the experience!"
Tsunade looked at him for the longest time before taking out a sheet of paper. "I will put you under the command of squad leader twelve. You won't be a second in command. Just a regular team member."
"That's fine." Iruka nodded. "Thank you."
"I will grant you permission to carry out solo missions." Tsuande said, looking at the paper she's writing. "On the condition that none of your team members or your comrades are to return to Konoha dead."
"I swear with my life I won't let them die." Iruka said, determination and a will of fire burning in his eyes.
Tsunade looked at him with a sad expression. "That includes you coming back with no permanent injuries."
Iruka nodded, and took the paper Tsunade handed him, gave his thanks and left the room to go back to teaching just as the lunch bell sounded. What Tsunade requested of him was impossible and he knew it very clearly. He knew that coming home without a dead squad member or leader within the future would be near impossible. ANBU missions are never smooth and there was always a fifty-fifty chance that there will be at least one death in every mission. It was Tsunade's slow way of giving someone she thinks mentally unfit to think of resigning.
But Iruka won't quit. He's determined to keep his promise to not lose another teammate.
He's just not sure how he can keep that without having himself severely injured or killed in the middle.
When he got home that night, nobody was there. It didn't surprise him.
What surprised him was that when he woke up the next morning, Kakashi was sauntering about his living room with a bandaged bicep and temple.
"Mission?" Iruka asked, running fingers softly over the bandages.
"Yeah. Nothing serious. They're just stitches." Kakashi shrugged.
"I'll fix you something." Iruka moved towards the kitchen but Kakashi grabbed his wrist.
"We need to talk." Kakashi said, undertones of seriousness ringing in his voice.
Iruka had to blink and wonder. "What about?"
"You."
Iruka smiled and chuckled. "If this is about work – "
"Yes."
"Kashi –" Iruka sighed tiredly.
"Look, can we just sit down?" Kakashi asked, leading Iruka to the couch.
"What is it this time?" Iruka sighed.
"This time?" Kakashi looked at him funny. "Ruka, I'm getting worried. Don't you think you should slow down a bit?"
"I know you're worried. And I appreciate your efforts by going to Hokage-sama first." Iruka replied and it came out sarcastic and bitter. "I'm sorry. I'm just tired."
"Precisely!"
"Look – "
"No, you look! How can you refuse Kabuto's help? You know how good a medic he is!"
Iruka frowned. "Kakashi, I am not going to argue with you about this. Kabuto doesn't have the trust of the people yet. It's nearing a year but do you think – do you honestly think – that the council will agree to having an ex-traitor carry on important missions? Especially missions that may involve Konoha's inner bureaucracy?"
Kakashi swallowed. "Iruka – "
"You mean well. I know the both of you did and I'm so touched. Thankful to have two caring people. But you're going a bit over board with this whole thing. I'm not that weak."
Kakashi frowned. "You lost nearly a dozen men in past months alone."
"I know that! Why do you think I dropped my title as a squad captain?" Iruka sighed and rubbed his temples.
Silence passed between the two of them.
"Why are you doing this?" Kakashi asked.
"What?"
"This. Working so much. Going on every mission chance you have. Help me understand."
Iruka smiled and wrapped his arms around Kakashi, kissing his bandaged temple and scarred eye. "It's my job. My parents always dreamed of me being ANBU. I don't want to fail them now."
And Iruka knew he was lying.
Kakashi did too but for now, he kept quiet.
-
I turned twenty-eight when I woke up that morning. It didn't bother me the least bit when Kabuto was off spending the evening with his parents and had his morning and afternoon duties to attend to. Kakashi was off on a mission since three days ago and I was told he'd come home tonight. I haven't heard from Itachi since I last saw him nearly a week ago and I pray that he's okay.
It doesn't surprise me so much when my fellow staff members at the Academy threw me a small birthday party in the staff room. It was very nice of them to bother and I love them for it. It was good to know that there are people outside of my personal life who cares to.
"Iruka-sensei." A female colleague of mine called out.
"Yes?" I turned and faced her, smiling and wiping the bit of icing from the corner of my mouth with a napkin.
"Uh – here." She offered me a small simply brown wrapped package.
I took it from her and curiously opened it to find a black bound journal. "Anou – "
"I know. It's common but please don't use it as a planning book." She placed her hands on mine that were holding the journal. "I've seen you look troubled and sometimes pained. I can't imagine you'd want to share your thoughts with me or anyone here. But please, use it for you thoughts."
I couldn't stop the smile of sadness coming to my face. "Thank you."
"It helps. I do it. It helps get the load we can't remove by speech. Do you know what I mean?"
I nodded, and gave her a warm embrace thanking her again and again.
I knew exactly how and what she meant.
-
That evening, sitting alone quietly in his study, Iruka stared at the black journal. He just came home from a mission. Two weeks ago, during the eve of his birthday, all three entered his house past midnight just to give him well wishes. He laughed that evening, smiled at all of them and kissed all of them the way they liked it and held them till morning while all three used his shoulders and stomach as a makeshift pillow. He didn't leave till they were all awake and made sure that they were all alright before attending to his duties.
He loved them.
Really.
But now, staring at his journal, he wondered if any of them knew how he felt. Counting back the days since they all got together, it's been a year and a month; he hasn't cried for a year and a month. Not even for the death of his teammates.
With one bandaged hand – an injury he attained from his recent mission – he reached for his drawer and pulled out a blank ink pen; his favorite pen. He reached for his journal and turned the first crisp page open. Without thinking, he started to write.
…
…
TTC