PAGES 4
I realize that I can't speak much to anyone. I realize a lot of things about my life and how I seem to be feeling hollow. There's this gaping hole in me that can't be covered any sort of regrown body tissue. I wanted to speak about my life and how the nearly past four years have affected me.
I can't stop thanking my colleague enough for giving me this journal and she's right.
It helps.
I first met Kabuto in an alley when I was raped and violated by one of the Sannins. I've learned to forget what Orochimaru have done to me and right now, it's but a black star stuck amidst all my other colored star achievements. It doesn't bother me now remembering it. I survived didn't I? He didn't kill me then when I was eighteen. I lived long enough reach my current standing as a trusted Academy teacher and an ANBU – former squad leader until I've finally decided to demote myself in the ranks.
No, the violation didn't bother me anymore.
But I think it was on that one day my life turned in to a four year worth of a roller coaster ride that I never paid a ticket for. I never asked for the roller coaster ride simply because it makes me sick and feel weak at the end.
But I rode it anyway and I wanted to reach the very top of the first loop only to come down almost as fast as I've reached it. Then again, I wanted to climb for the second loop only to come down again. Then I realize there are no longer any loops and the snacks I had before the ride is ready to come out of my throat, leaving me feeling weak and empty. Empty because I guess all my food is in the waste basket.
It's same as my life.
Roller coaster ride.
In that alley, I met Kabuto. I knew him already, knew briefly of his background and how he was just an adopted son of one of the many skilled medics of the village. He was so skinny then compared to his lean built now. He couldn't even finish a bowl of ramen let alone defend his own lunch at school from the bullies who picked on him. I believed his stories, I believed his reasons and I helped him. Even made him my prankster-apprentice and taught him a few tricks that can be done with simple food coloring and water.
And he made me proud.
I gave him everything I had and I hurt him one so many times by being mean and bitter for the life I can never have with my parents. I blame no one but myself for occasionally losing control over my emotions and lashing out at the closest person; which was always Kabuto because he was always there. Right there beside me until he grew up and reached the legal age.
Always there.
And I took it for granted and fell for him sometime in the middle. It was a close relationship for some time. Maybe a year, or maybe more. We were close and I cherished every moment of it; I suppose I gained what I've lost when I befriended Naruto too. I had a wonderful lover and a son that I cared for.
Then, just like it was always there, it vanished. It left me alone.
Kabuto betrayed the village and went off with Orochimaru. I didn't wantto indulge myself in the non-existing hope that it was all a lie and that Kabuto would never betray the village; but he did. And I hated myself for it. Hated the whole ordeal with a passion that I didn't think I could love again. I didn't want to anymore. I knew I waited and hoped for Kabuto to come back, to take back all the mistakes he's done and redeem himself. But it was a teenager's fantasy and I tell myself I am no longer a teenager; I am an adult.
So like any adult would have done, I moved on.
Kabuto became another black star.
Then Naruto had to leave.
I was alone again, but that's all right. Because this time, I knew Naruto was coming back and no matter how it saddened me to lose a son-figure, I smiled and wished him all the well wishes he deserved and kept praying for his safety and future.
But I guess I was still alone.
Somewhere in the middle, just when I had my life pieced together – I was working as teacher, mission desk manager and ANBU captain – Kakashi comes to me; that enigmatic jounin who really was a softy at heart.
It started off with quiet ramen dinners and sushi take outs in the office. I don't know how but a month later, I was officially with Kakashi. In a way, he brought comfort to the sealed heart I kept hidden in me; the heart that I forgot even existed in the first place. He's a good man. A person to trust and someone to rely on when things are no longer right.
He's a good man.
I know that in my heart and I love him.
That is what I kept telling myself and for a year it was all okay. He didn't know of my ANBU work simply because of the code of secrecy. But he knew me and knew what I was really like. He just didn't know about my black stars and I intended to keep it that way.
Until he came back.
My second black star.
Kabuto came knocking on Konoha's gates, Orochimaru's head that reeked of all his sins in a bag, claiming that Sound was no more and that he's giving in to custody and returning Uchiha Sasuke.. I accompanied Hokage-sama to the gates immediately and saw him. I felt the anger that I couldn't release two years ago. It dripped off me like black venom but I kept quiet. When Kabuto was taken in, I knew he'd run away so I followed him, leaving his fake clone behind to go after the real one. I took it out on him. Captured him. Made sure he was taken back to Konoha to fix his problems.
"And you have some nerve to run away. This isn't a prank anymore…" I said, angry and saddened. Kabuto always had that look in his face that always carried some sot of ever lasting sadness ever since I met him. But now, it's a different sort of look I see in his eyes.
A look of freedom. Freedom from darkness.
And a gaping hole of emptiness and loss.
But that sad look was gone and for that alone, I was happy.
"I wanted to be able to see you again …" He said, not meeting my eyes even when I had the blade pressed against his throat. I was ready to kill him and I was not going to back down. I got his attention by flaring up my chakra and I had to pay the price of exposing my identity to Kakashi. But it didn't matter. Kabuto was taken to custody and I was left with what little I had in the first place. Some time later, I found out Kabuto attempted to take his life during the breaks of his hearing and lost all memory he had past the age of twelve. I was given the mission to help him remember.
Everyday hurt.
A living hell.
Kakashi found out about me and Kabuto eventually.
And I remember asking myself at that point if I had anything. Did I even have anything in the first place or what is some sort of illusion cast over my eyes the day I lost my parents?
I was in the second loop of my roller coaster ride.
Until Kakashi started acting funny. It hurt me deeper than I possibly imagined. I knew the signs; the way his muscles was always relaxed on a nearly weekly basis, how he was always far and distant and thinking too much.
But I clung to the idea that he was a good person. A loyal person who wouldn't do anything intentional. Not without his reasons. And I believed that reason and idea. I gave him every chance and one night, I found him on my bed, in my old apartment, huddled. I came to him, worried and took him in my arms. I broke then. My guilt for feeling old feelings for Kabuto and possibly the idea of breaking when I see him bit by bit came out on that night.
I willingly kept my arms open for Kakashi. The doors to my house are always open for him, including the new one I just finished leasing – my parents' house. I tell him that and he trembled in my arms, clung to me. Begged and shook his head.
I don't mind.
I will always have a special place for him in me.
He took over with helping Kabuto regain his memory and I went on a mission. I think, in my ride, that mission was the second loop. I was climbing steadily to the top; until everything took a wrong turn. Fate? Bad luck? I wouldn't know. It was supposed to be a simple infiltrating and retrieval mission but it went so horribly wrong. My team and I got separated and we fought our own battle. I wasn't sure I'd make it because things were just too heavy for my legs to carry on any longer.
Then he came.
He was there.
Uchiha Itachi.
My first initial though through all the fatigue, pain and blood loss was that he was a mere illusion. Until I woke up days later, in a bed, bandaged and in a small cottage of a medic Itachi knew. Reliable, he said.
I found it strange to be saved by a wanted criminal. A criminal, who in the list our "kill on sight" ninjas. I asked him why.
"You are important to someone important to me."
That is what he said and I didn't understand but I found it endearing and heart warming that Itachi didn't lose all his humanity yet. He was still alive and feeling inside him; aware of what others might feel. Up until he told me what happened; what went on between him and Kakashi. Somewhere then, I remember the crushing feeling that overwhelmed me so much that my body couldn't handle the stress and started deteriorating whatever form of health and immunity I managed to gain in the few days I remained asleep; Itachi took me to Konoha, to safety and for proper medical attention.
My wounds healed – Kabuto was good in that way.
That point turned everything – I've passed the loop in my ride and now it's going downwards. Kakashi spoke to me of what happened, of what has been happening and I could say nothing. I was there and reminded him again that I will always accept him for as much as he needed me.
And I kept falling down … faster and faster …
Until I got so tired and sick, I didn't want to finish my ride anymore. I wanted off.
I took a mission that I had no chance of succeeding ever in the first place. I was walking in to my own grave and I knew that perfectly well. If I didn't know what I wanted then, I wouldn't have taken it in the first place.
And it got so desperate and I could feel death breathing against the back of my neck every time I tried so hard to block a blow or slay an enemy. I lost count of how many times I was pierced by a blade or hit or knocked down …
Then they came …
All three …
And saved me to the near price of their own lives …
I didn't want to be saved and the death's breathing on my neck got further and further away…
But I was still slinking downwards, head first, from my roller coaster ride …
And they love me, they say. Wouldn't let me die, they say.
And I'd just smile and take them in, hold them.
They say they wouldn't let me die … but I don't feel the life anymore. And I hate the hollow feeling. The feeling of your sucking in breaths that you can't taste, or feel touches that aren't there, or hear words that are but a distant hum or have your subconscious do the reacting most of the time …
And goddamn this pen for not being water proof. The sticker that came with it said it was water proof but that just shows stupidity and ignorance of man doesn't it? Half of what I wrote is ruined now and I hate this pen …
I hate living …
And now, having landed on the concrete that the roller coaster was built on, I can't piece my shattered self any more. I am beyond repair and I know that …
I wouldn't have jumped if I knew I was coming off alive …
…
…
They said that he suffered for a few minutes …
They said that he choked …
They also said that his soul departed …
They heard of his fall …
And wondered how to ask so many questions …
When they know that they won't get any answers …
Knives tell no tales …
No science can ask a lifeless object what the person felt when it came to contact with human flesh …
The blade can't say the feelings he felt when he slit his own throat open …
When he decorated the study floor in red …
…
…
No answers …
…
Until they found his thoughts …
Within the tear stained pages of a black journal …
…
…
He believed he left strong people behind …
…
But what he knew …
Even in death …
Was that he left them a long time ago …
…
…
They just didn't know …
Until they read his last thoughts …
…
And cried …
…
FIN
Before you fire confusions at me, READ THIS FIRST (in case the above journal entry did NOT make sense):
1 – This is a suicidal spin off me and a friend, Kagaya, are currently RP. No, the RP is NOT turning out like this but I started writing this in a point where the ending was moldable to many possibilities.
2 – Iruka was with KABUTO first. He got to know the boy when he was used by Orochimaru (before the ass betrayed the village completely) and at that point, Kabuto was already owned by Tongue-sama. It was a mission of sorts. Our (RPers) excuse was that Orochimaru was training Kabuto to be a spy or that he was bored and needed pedo-entertainment.
3 – When Kabuto DID leave (Chuunin exams) and the whole Sasuke going to Orochimaru, Iruka got in to a relationship with Kakashi.
4 – Why Kabuto and Itachi get along? Well, Kabuto never liked Oro, and reported to Itachi (they were friends when younger before Itachi turned to a killer in our RP) that Oro has found a way to use Sasuke – Itachi wasn't happy, he came and helped put Tongue-sama to rest. Hence the head (which we dubbed football)
5 – Leaf took Kabuto as prisoner, who tried to commit suicide and in the process of severing his nerves and blood vessels failed during one of his trials coz' they caught him just in time. Price: Lost his memories due to nerve-brain-damage.
6 – While Iruka was helping Kabuto with his memories, Itachi is training Kakashi (Forced him) to be a more efficient and better Sharingan user to pass the lessons to Sasuke. Rape happens – Kakashi breaks. Iruka finds out eventually.
7 – Iruka goes a for a mission as ANBU and the above chapter should be explainable enough as to what happened. So, basically, Iruka finds himself in a triangle. He's trying to keep away from Kabuto because he's with Kakashi and Kabuto is trying to deal with the fact that he has to move on. Itachi wants Kakashi, but Kakashi doesn't. In our RP they all get along after that suicide mission somehow.
8 – After point 7, I took the liberty of writing this fic out in a possible ending. Hence the foursome. Iruka WANTED to die, but they wouldn't let him. Hence the whole purpose of this fic. Iruka got tired of it all, realized he has three who loves him dearly (yes, when Itachi saved him that time, he fell for him hard because Iruka is the only who looks at everyone – good or evil – in a human way. Our dolphin is special that way).
9 – I suck at writing in present tense and the whole fic is muddled. In any case, pardon. I avoid 1st person narrative like the plague but in this case, I had to use it.
10 – If you're even reading this, I hug you for your bravery and present you the cookie-medal of honor for tolerating crappolas that has been spawned from the deep tresses of my brain (I blame my RP-mate, Kagaya, for this really – I give her mah looove)
NOW you may rant at me (GRINS at people – and puts on armor)