This is a Hitchhiker's Guide/Hornblower crossover, written by two slashers. The authors are Les Lapins Mauvais and Demus.
Thank you, lovely reviewers: Captain Oz (yes, I do have an obsession, that Les Lapins Mauvais let me to indulge in my part of the last chapter. I like to think they used strawberry or apricot), LadyBush and KentouKurige.
Some time later, the two visitors were lounging in the wardroom drinking. Ford had found the alcohol supply, and he was happy again. Arthur had managed to convince him that it wouldn't be a good idea to explore the ship without their guides, and their two guides were currently in their cabin, being very very quiet. Ford looked at his watch, smirking. Just then, the cabin door opened and Mr. Hornblower and Mr. Kennedy emerged, looking a little tousled. Horatio was trying to smooth his hair down again, with little success, and Archie was buttoning his jacket. They stopped short at the sight of the two men sitting at the table. Horatio looked as if he would like nothing better than to flee, but Archie quickly recovered his poise.
"Hello, gentlemen," he said briskly.
Arthur wondered what he could say that wouldn't imply that he knew they had just been shagging, that wouldn't offend them and would make them realise what a nice, interesting person he was. Although they were his fellow Earthmen, they could just as easily have been from a different planet, for all that he could relate to them.
"Have a nice sass?" Ford asked brightly. He had just decided that it would make a good noun. That wasn't the most encouraging reception for my brilliant innovation, he thought, noting Archie and Horatio's blank looks.
"Well," Horatio said to Arthur, clearly determined to ignore Ford completely, "would you like to complete your tour of the ship? We were interrupted by the captain's summons, and then…"
That was clever, wasn't it? He thought to himself scornfully. His fears were confirmed a moment later when Ford continued,
"And then we had a sweet little heart-to-heart discussion of our respective relationships and went off to—"
"Mr. Prefect!" Archie interrupted, "You are not to speak of such matters aloud!"
Horatio reflected that while Archie could seem imprudent when they were alone together, he at least had no illusions about the threat that their guests presented.
Having reached something of an impasse, embroiled in the same argument as before, it was quite a relief to all concerned when there was a shout from above decks.
"Sail ho! Four points off the larboard bow! Looks like a Frog, sir!"
"Beat to quarters!" They heard Mr. Bracegirdle order, followed immediately by the roll of drums and the pounding of feet as the men hurried to their battle stations. Horatio turned to Ford and Arthur, no longer unsure about what to say to them.
"Mr. Dent, Mr. Prefect, we are going into battle. I would advise you to stay in your quarters. Excuse me." And he ran out of the room and up to the quarterdeck.
Archie lingered a moment longer, because Ford started to protest,
"Can't we watch? What about the Heart of Gold? We might be of some assistance. Why are you fighting small green amphibians, anyway?"
"Very well, you may join us on deck," Archie conceded. "However, Captain Pellew may order you below, in which case you will have to comply."
Ford and Arthur followed him up on deck, where the gun crews were loading their guns, Pellew was bellowing orders, and the other officers were watching the approaching French ship through their telescopes.
"Looks like a party," Ford said.
"Er…" Arthur wasn't too sure.
"Mr Hornblower! Precisely why are our guests above deck?" shouted one of the senior lieutenants.
"They thought they might be of some use, sir!" Archie put in as he rallied his division.
Horatio, who was hurriedly giving orders to his own men, quickly showed his agreement. The senior lieutenant left the matter at that, turning back to the approaching French ship. "She's carrying 74 guns, sir!" Bracegirdle reported to the captain. Pellew's mouth thinned. His own beloved Indefatigable, despite being considered heavily armed for a frigate, carried only 44 guns. His mind raced as he continued to appraise the situation. Against that firepower, their chances of winning were very low.
The first lieutenant looked to him for orders. "Should we attempt to out-run her, sir?" Bracegirdle asked.
Pellew surveyed his men, who were still doggedly readying for battle. His eyes swept briefly over the two strangers, the shorter of whom looked extremely interested in what was going on. The wild-haired figure was pointing at the strange white craft that was still floating in the water near them, and he seemed to be explaining something to his bemused companion.
"No, Mr Bracegirdle, we will not run," the captain decided. "They will expect us to turn tail, but we shall meet them head on, giving us the advantage of surprise. Give them the illusion that we are unable to make sail, but are attempting to do so. That will make them overconfident and unsuspecting."
The first lieutenant saluted and turned to yell orders at the crew, directing several men aloft to maintain the deception of problems with the sails. Only a truly excellent company could portray sloppy seamanship whilst simultaneously preparing for action. The Indefatigable had such a crew.
Pellew glanced back at the strangers, who had collared Lieutenant Hornblower and were speaking quickly to the young man. His brow furrowed. He could not afford for his officers to be distracted at this time. The captain checked the position of the French ship- she was a big vessel, but her advance was deceptively swift.
"Mr Hornblower! What is the meaning of this dalliance!" he bellowed, angrily.
"With respect sir, Mr Prefect has come up with a way of defeating the enemy- all he requires is a few good men and access to his vessel."
Captain Pellew considered for a moment. Hornblower's schemes, and those that he participated in, generally turned out to be successful. His own plan of action was a risky one, and he was interested in hearing this new plan.
"Very well. Mr. Hornblower, you will supervise the action. Take whoever you need from your division, and be quick about it."
"Yes, sir," Hornblower replied, outlining the plan to his captain, and explaining what the Indefatigable's role would have to be. Then he called over Matthews, Styles, and Oldroyd, commonly known to their fellow sailors as 'The Guys Who Get To Have All The Cool Adventures'. They, along with Horatio, Ford, Arthur, and Archie, who had left one of the midshipmen in command of his division and come along for the fun, quickly lowered the jollyboat and began rowing towards the Heart of Gold, still floating some distance off. As they did so, the French ship fired a warning shot towards the Indefatigable, which whistled through the air above their heads and fell into the water with a splash.
"They're shooting at us!" Arthur exclaimed in consternation.
"What the hell do you expect?" Horatio replied irritably, "We're at war!"
Arthur thought back to his childhood history lessons, and vaguely remembered that the Napoleonic Wars were going on around 1799.
"Is this something to do with Napoleon Bonaparte?" he asked.
"Yes," Archie replied, "bloody tyrant. But there isn't time to go into all of that now."
Arthur thought that if he was about to die then it might be nice to know some of the background information, just to give him a sense of perspective and so forth. Ford was unconcerned, having no interest whatsoever in human history (he didn't think that a civilisation started by telephone sanitisers and hairdressers had much of a chance at being at all interesting) and being slightly more accustomed than Arthur was to being shot at by random life forms.
They fetched up against the side of the spaceship, and Horatio looked back to see that the Indy was caught aback, her sails luffing, the French ship bearing down on her ominously. This was according to plan, but he anxiously hoped that the Frogs didn't inflict too much damage on her before they could put their part of the scheme into action.
Ford braced his hand against the Heart of Gold's side and kicked the entrance hatch.
"Hey Eddie!" he bellowed, "let us in, will you?"
Horatio and Archie exchanged a look of surprise. Neither of their guests had mentioned anything about there being others on their strange vessel. The hatchway swung open, and they managed to climb through it, tying the jollyboat securely to a projecting knob.
As they entered the spaceship, the 18th century men looked around in total astonishment. However, Hornblower sternly reminded himself that they had a task to perform, and he must stay focused.
"Mr. Prefect," he said, "What do we need to do?" He wasn't about to admit it, but most of the words that Ford had used while explaining the plan had been completely incomprehensible to him. Just then, he was interrupted by a disembodied voice, which sounded strangely mechanical and inhuman, and had an irritating accent.
"Hi there fellas!" it said loudly, "Anything I can do for you?"
"Who is that?" Archie asked, searching for the source of the voice.
"That's Eddie," Arthur told him, "The shipboard computer. Although you wouldn't know what that is…" He trailed off, unsure of how to explain the concept.
"Don't suppose you've figured out how to get us flying again?" Ford asked, clenching his jaw involuntarily as he always did when dealing with the computer.
"As a matter of fact, I think all you'd need to do would be to manually transfer the Improbability Drive into my backup operating system, and I'd be able to manage for a little while."
"Eddie, I think that is the single most helpful thing you've ever said," Ford exclaimed, "I could kiss you."
Arthur bristled, the sailors looked shocked, and then came the strange sound of a computer blushing, which is completely impossible to describe in writing, but could be described in mathspeak.