I was standing in front of Grissom's office, a place I never thought I would be. Well, at least not under these circumstances. I can't remember the countless times I have stood in front of this same door. It seems so different now. It seems threatening and intimidating. I know once I go in I can't go back. I know that I am not turning back, I need to go in. I don't know how else to deal with this. I can't talk to a shrink because he has no idea what I went through. Grissom was at least at the scene of the explosion, even if he wasn't hurt. I have thought about talking to Sara about it, but I don't know if she would take me seriously. I also figured that it would be pretty awkward, not that it isn't going to be with Grissom. It just seems easiest to talk with him. I don't know why. Maybe because he extended the invitation, an invitation I never thought I would take on. After a minute or two, I forced myself to knock on his door. I hear a faint "Come in." and I open the door and walk into his office.
"Hello Greg, is there something that I can help you with." I feel a little bad because he doesn't know exactly how much I want him to help me. I also feel more nervous because he looks at my hands before he says anything to me. Everybody seems to do that now a days. I hate it. I hope this wasn't a mistake. So before I make up some stupid joke I start to talk, but it was harder than I thought.
"Yeah, I, uh..." I look down at my still shaking hands and hope that he gets the hint. He did. His face changes from one of contentedness to curiosity, worry, sympathy, and hopefulness.
"Take a seat." The words were more of a command than a request. I take a seat and look Grissom in the eyes. He wants me to start, so I do as best as I can.
"I just don't know what to do." This is probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, I never imagined it to be this hard.
"Don't know what to do about what, Greg?" I can tell that he really wants to help me. Seeing this urges me on to tell him more.
"Everything. I don't know how to act around everyone anymore. I know that they are all used to seeing me as a clown. I know that they are all used to seeing me not take things as seriously as they are. Now, I can't find anything to laugh about. I just don't know what to do." All of that just kinda came pouring out. I look back into Grissom's eyes. It is obvious that he is thinking of something to say to me.
"Well, these things take time to heal. I know that it's not easy, but it will eventually pass. You just have to wait." This was not exactly what I wanted to hear.
"I don't want to wait. I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't feel like myself anymore, it's scary. I want to be like I was before. I want it to be like nothing ever happened." My voice was raising in anger.
"But, Greg, you're going to have to wait. You don't have a choice. Things aren't going to change overnight. It's like all of the people that we see everyday. They are going to be sad for a while because they lost someone who they love, but in time they will learn to cope. They will learn to accept what happened, and you will too." I am still not totally satisfied. I don't know what to do, maybe this was a mistake. I was hoping that Grissom would have an answer that would change me back to normal. He always seems to have the answers. I start to get up out of my seat, leaving in frustration.
"Greg, wait. Please think about what I said. It is the truth and while you may not want to believe it there is no avoiding it. I'm sorry that I couldn't help more." Grissom sigs and gives me one last look before I turn back around towards the door. As I place my hand on the door handle Grissom says one last thing.
"The only constant is change." I pause momentarily letting the words sink in. Wow, I feel out of it. I leave and go home, all the way there thinking about what Grissom said. It keeps echoing through my mind. Even if it is true, it's still not an easy thing to accept. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow to be the same Greg that I was before. Maybe I will be able to put this whole thing behind me. But at the same time not forgetting that it happened. I hope everything is better in the morning like they always say. Maybe I will just push all of this away tomorrow. Maybe I will.