Why do I deny?
Medicate me
So I die happy
A strain of cancer
Chokes the answers
Are you like me?
A liar like me?
Remus woke with a start, shielding his eyes from a blinding light that penetrated his scull. He blinked and tried not to fall back into the bed; his room was spinning and McGonagall's face was floating- McGonagall's face?
Blanching, Remus collapsed back into the four-poster of what must have been the hospital wing. A groaning from his left told him Sirius had awoke as well. A retching sound filled the air, but McGonagall didn't seem too worried. Unceremoniously, she ripped back Sirius's curtains as well, so that Remus and he were facing each other.
"What were you doing at four in the morning, drunk and asleep, in the middle of Hogsmeade?" McGonagall raged, her voice cutting through Remus's scull.
"Well, Professor," Sirius started, but was silenced quickly by McGonagall's enraged shout. Clutching his head, he fell back into the pillows silently.
"I don't want excuses. No more Hogsmeade trips for the rest of the year, for either of you! And you're each to write an essay on the meaning of responsibility. And you!" She rounded furiously on Remus, her eyes enraged. He shrunk back. "A prefect! Your badge is hence forth suspended!"
"But professor!" Sirius gasped. "Remus- it's not Remus's fault- he's not ever broken any other prefect rules-"
"Silence!" She fell silent herself, considering. "You have a point. Suprisingly. All right. Mr. Lupin, until further notice you are on probation and will do all your duties with a responsible prefect. Perhaps Mr. Snape."
"Aw, but Professor-"
"Keep quiet Mr. Black! In addition, I want to see both of you tonight in the dungeons."
Thinking of the musty old dungeons, rarely used except to hold extra potions ingredients, made Remus turn a delicate green. The chains dangling from the ceiling, though no longer used, still made him slightly nervous- and he could almost smell the metallic polish, the mold, and the dust.
He leaned over the bed, gagging.
"Or perhaps," McGonagall said, stepping back deliberately, "tomorrow night."
"How come you didn't invite us?" James wailed. "Sounds like you had a spanking good time!" Remus grinned.
"Can't remember much," Sirius said, but there was a grin lingering on his face, and he winked at Remus. "So you guys…heard about those penguins yet?" He got up, fully ready to demonstrate the 'dance' he had learned last night, but Remus groaned and pulled him back down.
"Please, not that again!"
James pouted, a sullen expression on his face. But then he brightened, a devilish expression on his face.
"Meet any nice girls, Padfoot? And Moony, how's the homosexual action up there?"
"Is none!" Remus choked hastily, same time Padfoot gulped "no girls, no girls." James raised his eyebrows and then sat back in his chair.
"Whatever you say. According to the rumors, you two got kicked out, were found lying in the streets. So I guess you didn't exactly get any last night." Sirius placed a clumsy cuff around his head and Remus made a scandalized noise.
"Besides, maybe I didn't want to find any girls," Sirius said, off handedly. James laughed, thinking he was joking. Peter gave him a strange, wide-eyed look, then giggled shrilly.
"I'm…not kidding." Sirius said, perplexed.
"What? But you…and Remus too…no way!"
"Sirius," Remus said uncomfortably, "is bisexual. Which is what he's trying to say. That he's bisexual. I mean…yeah."
James guffawed. "But…but…you were the one most…umm…uncomfortable with Remus's revelation, and-"
"What?" Remus turned around sharply.
"Not that any of us cared," James said quickly. "And he got over it right quick enough. I mean, just the initial shock and all, he seemed a little scandalized…but no worse than when we worked out that you were a werewolf, and he got over that right well too- I mean, he's always been there for you and came with the animagus idea-"
"What?" Remusrepeated, turning to Sirius for confrontation, but he was glaring angrily at James.
"Thanks James, thanks so much! Now he thinks I had a problem with him being a werewolf, and that I'm some kind of bloody hypocrite-"
"I know what I think, thanks!" Remus said angrily, jumping up and grabbing Sirius's shoulder, forcing him to look at him. People were starting to watch them. "What?" Remus snapped. They hastily looked down.
"It was my upbringing. I mean, it was only second year, I was stupid, you know…and I wasn't disgusted, just shocked and trying to cover up my own…feelings…so-" Sirius stumbled.
"So you decided to alienate me!" Remus shouted. People were stealing glances at them.
"Hey now, that's not what I meant, guys now, let's talk this out rationally-"
"Shut up!" They both shouted at James. Peter got up and slunk up the stairs. Remus, glaring at Sirius, whirled around and followed him. Sirius threw himself into his armchair, hands shaking, with rage or hurt, even he didn't know.
"I'm sorry," James, said, uncharacteristically serious and humble. Sirius sighed, but looking at him, felt his sorrow.
"It's all right, Prongs." James still looked guilty. "Hey, Prongs, it's okay. But keep up that humility. Lily has got to come around soon with you being so humane and stuff." James worked up a small smile. Sirius gave him a quick one-armed hug, before breaking off and fixing his hair, trying to look uncaring.
"So are you going to go talk to him?" James asked.
"Are you kidding?" Sirius snorted, incredulous. "I tried to explain but he wouldn't have any of it. He just needs to see it my way, I was stupid, but I came around and if he can't accept that, then he's being immature! I can't change how I acted, what does he want me to do, go back in time?"
James shook his head, an exasperated smile on his face. "Your pride will be the death of you. But whatever you say, Padfoot. C'mon…let's go…ogle girls…or guys…or whatever." James grinned and Sirius did as well. They walked out.Both were walking heavy.
-
Remus had locked himself into the bathroom. A thin razor was held in his hand, his breath ragged. He remembered how he had told Sirius he wouldn't do it again, howgray eyes had blared into his. He remembered the feeling of his warm lips on his, of their bodies side by side…and then he remembered what James had let slip…
But his fingers became numb, dropping the razor. He stood quickly, kicking it under the shower wall. He heard it fall down the drain slats and walked out, but the urge lingered.
Prefect duties that night were horrific. Snape was gloating, though silently. His smirk said it all though, and Remus kept his head down as they prowled the halls, so as to not meet his eyes. Snape's hair seemed particularly greasy and shiny that night, and Remus had to force himself not to say anything.
"So Lupin…hear you got yourself drunk with that no good, traitorous, might-as-well-be-muggle-born-friend of yours. Well…ex-friend, I suppose. Oh yes," he said seeing Remus's shocked look. "I know all about your fight. Word travels fast, does it not? I hear he betrayed you…wasn't supporting you…though in what, I wonder?" Snape grinned silkily and Remus suddenly wanted to punch him.
His diplomatic skills told him Snape didn't realize how inhumane he was being, didn't realize that the territory he was treading on was more dangerous than the normal inter-house rivalries. Of course he was going to gloat in a situation like this, of course he wasn't really being evil-
Remus's feral side won out and he rounded furiously on the Slytherin, his hand reaching for the sallow neck, the other for his wand.
"Just be quiet," he snarled, and Snape stood still, black eyes boring into his. Finally, he nodded, true to the Slytherin style of backing down when one doesn't have the upper hand. As soon as Remus let go and put his wand away, however, Snape pinned him to the wall. He was sandwiched between two candle brackets and Snape's body.
"Let's get this strait. I am supervising you and reporting back to McGonagall. I suggest you keep your temper in check." Remus nodded stiffly, but Snape didn't let go.
Remus raised his eyebrows at the dark haired boy.
"I am simply savoring the feeling of being the winner," Snape said, uncharacteristically honest. Remus frowned, but said nothing. Slowly, Snape released him. Suddenly, his hand was back over his throat.
"Beg," he commanded. Remus frowned.
"Beg," Snape repeated. Remus was almost impressed; Severus was crafty indeed and true to the Slytherin way of life. Slytherins, he knew, didn't get revenge; they got even.
"You don't want to see me humiliated, Severus. After all, I have never pulled a prank on you, never laughed at your misfortune or victimization. I have done nothing. It's not me your bitter with."
"And that is worse. You are evasive. I cannot understand you. You do not hate me; you are not on my side. You don't stand up for me when you could, but you know I would be angry and prideful if you did so. I cannot understand who you are and I hate it. Beg, so that I know you are only human."
"But Severus," Remus said quietly, a whisper in his ear, a shadow in the dark. "I am not human." In a movement, he was in the hall, behind Snape, who whirled around.
"Fair enough," he hissed. "But be warned. I am not done yet. I will prove your humanity."
Remus looked at him, eyes glowing strangely in the dark.
"I think you will find that you cannot."
"If you were not a Gryffindor, I could almost be your ally," he begrudgingly admitted.
"If you were not a Slytherin, my opinion would not change," Remus said, and they continued down the hall,tension between them.
Several hours later, Severus and Remus were prowling the towers, looking for late night lovers. They had scared a group of fourth years that had been giggling and playing around in one of the lower classrooms of the astronomy tower. In two of the classrooms closer to the top, they had scared off several Hufflepuff girls and a Ravenclaw, as well as a two Slytherins who Snape had been tempted to ignore and a lone wanderer who claimed to be sleepwalking. All had walked off with a detention slip. Soon they were nearing the top of the tower.
Wild noises were issuing from inside. With a glance and an eye roll, the pair burst into the room, lighting the lamps as the did so.
And there he was. Sweaty, half-dressed, beautiful Sirius, with some young girl, his black hair soaked, his shoulders bleeding, panting like the dog he was. The girl looked up, screeched, and hurried to adjust her skirt; she could only have been a fourth year, looking incredibly young now that her mascara and eyeliner has run with sweat. She looked...used.Remus stumbled back, glancing at Snape.
"I think you can handle this. It's gotta be some kind of conflict of interest for me to be involved-" he mumbled, walking out of the room and collapsing outside the door.
Minutes later, Sirius walked by, head held high, acting like he didn't see Remus sitting there. In his hand were several pink detention slips. The girl scurried out later. She had cried some more and looked even younger now that Severus had forced her to put on his cloak. It was then that he realized that she was Severus's cousin; the black hair and eyes were unmistakable. She wasn't being let off though; in her hand were four slips and, Remus was sure, a promise of a letter home.
Severus came out, and watched Remus clamor to his feet.
"I've found your weakness," he said almost gently.
"Which does not prove my humanity. Even the wildest of animals can die."
"But you crave stability. Loyalty. True friendship. You crave…him."
"Do you wish to destroy me?" Remus asked harshly.
"No," Severus said quietly. "To understand."
Sirius groaned and rolled over. Remus still had not come back,and the clock said it wasnearlyfour.He didn't know why he cared, he couldmess around with girls if he wanted to! He didn't belong to Remus, he didn't even like Remus…or did he? Sirius shook his head, too confused, too uncertain.
Did he like Remus? Did he care that they were fighting? Well, of course he didn't, Remus was the one being so immature, so why in Merlin's name was he sitting here waiting for him to come back to bed?
Shaking his head, he buried it under the pillow.
Severus was confused. He knew Remus's weakness, had proved his humanity, knew an incredible scandalous secret, but yet…he could not make himself take advantage of it. He'd heard of wizards like Remus of course, but could not wrap his mind around the fact that there actually was such a person, such a preference! And in not immediately using the information, though he tried to convince himself he was saving it for blackmail, he was forced to admit that in way, he liked Remus.
Respect him, he corrected himself. Slytherins liked no one but themselves, and perhaps those they married. Perhaps. But he knew that Remus was not all bad, as shocked as he was by what he had learned tonight. He still could not quite fathom it all.
But there was something, a leverage to turn him against the man who he had begrudgingly allied. Sirius Black. The thorn in his shoe, the heat in his fire. The man was incompetent, impudent, and treacherous, not be trusted by anyone.
And he knew that if ever there came a time where he could bait the Black, he would use this information against him, no matter how it hurt Remus.