Author: Hello, and welcome to another edition in the dusty archive of this long-forgotten fanfic. I have a special surprise for all my friends...
(Everyone groans)
Author: That's right, we're gonna BE ON TV!
Harry: Hey, that's not so bad!
Dumbledore: (Shivers) D-d-don't trust her... she's evil, I tells ya... EEEEEEEEEEVIL!
Nursing Home Nurse: (Appears out of nowhere. Motheringly) Now, Albus, did you forget your pills again? Come on, we have to get you those pills...
Dumbledore: (Meekly) Yes'm. (Is lead away into nursing home)
Draco: Geez, what happened to him?
Ron: (Looks accusingly at Author) Did you break his brain?
Author: I think it had something to do with your Raven poem, actually. He's been in that home ever since he judged the EX-GAMES(!).
Hermione: Actually... (All stare) Actually... I think I made him go senile when I beat him at Chess and Poker in the same night. It was fun to watch. He started screaming and ran into a wall.
Harry: Cool!
Hermione: (Sweatdrops) Uh... Harry, you scream and run into walls all the time.
Harry: But its fun! (starts screaming, runs into wall, bounces off)
Ron: I'm beginning to think his skull's made of rubber.
Hermione: Really? I always thought that it was three inches thick. That would explain why he has such a tiny brain.
Ron: Well, either way. (Turns to stare as Harry goes flying into a wall again.) Fun to watch, though.
Author: Like I said, we're gonna be on TV! Or at least, this fanfic's crappy substitute. Let me introduce you to some people who will be joining us for today's show!
(Curtain goes up to reveal a group of people)
Author: Hogwarts' very own former mischief-making quad... cuar… quadra... trio plus one… plus one... lets welcome The Marauders, and the girl they were all after!
(James, Sirius, Lupin, Wormtail, and Lilly come out of the group. Harry runs up to Sirius and hugs his leg)
Harry: Oh, Sirius, I thought you were gone forever! I'm sooooooo glad to see you...
James: Um... Hay-looo! Father that you never knew here! Mother as well!
Harry: Oh. Right. (Detaches himself from Sirius, hugs James's leg instead) Daddy! I've missed you so much!
James: Uh... (Shakes leg, Harry doesn't come off) Harry, go back to Uncle Sirius.
Author: Ahem… our next group is the evil people!
(Curtain rises and reveals Voldemort, standing all alone.)
Voldemort: I'm so lonely!
(Crickets chirp)
Draco: Don't feel sad, Voldie! (Runs over and huggles Voldemort; everyone goes "awww…")
Author: Heyyyyyy… remember when I changed Hermione into Hermy Puckle back in chapter one?
Hermione: (Goes into scarred-for-life mode)
Ron: You mean, back when giant lizards roamed the earth?
Author: Pretty much. Well, by that same power as almighty-ruler-of-warped-fanfic-universe, I now decree that Voldemort will be known from now on as Voldie, because the other name takes to freakin' long to type!
Voldemo—Voldie: Hey! That's not menacing! Grrrr…
Author: With a little therapy, I think you'd be a real sweetie-pie.
Voldie: Thanks — HEY!
Author: Sooooo… let's get to today's torture… SURVIVOR!
Harry: (Pokes a duck)
Author: Harry… WTF was that?
Harry: A duck! Here, duckie duckie duckie… (chases duck)
Hermione: (Rolls eyes) well, that's the last we'll see of him… continue.
Author: Yeah… SURVIVIOR!
(All cower except for Harry, who is still off somewhere chasing his duck. He comes back and starts conversing with the Lucky Charms Leprechaun, who appeared out of nowhere.)
LCL: Aye, it's a lonely life, bein' Irish, mate.
Harry: Heh… You're green… Heh heh heh… Ooh! Sugar!
LCL: Hey! Ye'r after mi Lucky Charms!
Author: (Notices LCL) AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH MARSHMALLOWY GOODNESS! (chases LCL)
LCL: Ah, you're after mi' Lucky Charms, are yeh now? (Kicks Author in the shins)
Author: Ah! My shins… crippled… can't move…
Hermione: Sooooo… she can hold sorcerers like us prisoner here, but she can't catch an Irish midget?
Ron: Basically.
Hermione: Cool! Does anyone have a green jumpsuit I can borrow?
Author: Riiiiiiiiite… we'll play in teams… Team Number One, THE MARAUDERS! James, Sirius, Peter, Lupin, and Lilly! Team Number Two, EVERYONE'S FAVORITES! Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny! Team Number Three, EVIL DUDES! Voldie, Draco, and Snape!
Snape: Is this right? It's five against four against three! And I appeared here out of nowhere! I'm confused! WAAAAAHHHHH!
Draco: It's okay… there there… (Cuddles Snape. Snape whacks him)
Snape: Get. Off. Me.
Author: Well, let's even it out. Harry, your team gets Kenny! Remember him?
Kenny: (gibberish)
Hermione: Kenny! My beloved!
Ron: (Sweatdrops)
Author: And, Evil Dudes… Erm…
Harry: Duckie…
Hermione: (Slaps Harry) SNAP OUT OF IT!
Author: Thanks, Hermione! Now, the EVIL DUDES still need one more player… lets see… how about…
(A cookie-mobile drives up with a bumper sticker that says "Real Men Eat Cookies.")
Ron: Who's he, and what's with that bumper sticker?
Author: No idea about the bumper sticker. And as for who…
(Door of the cookie-mobile opens dramatically with a puff of smoke, and out steps…)
Pillsbury Doughboy: Tada!
(Everyone swarms around him and pokes him. They leave. He rubs his stomach.)
Doughboy: Ooh… Ouch, I think I got punctured…
Snape: Hey! We still need one more player!
Author: Oh wait, Wormtail's evil now, right? So, he's with you guys. So we're all even… except for the good guys. They get Kenny, because he's cooler than all of you.
Sirius: You don't think I'm cool? (Starts to cry) My mommy thinks I'm cool!
James: (Pats Sirius on the back.) It's okay, Sirius… (Whispers to Author) Hey, can we get him a shrink or something?
Author: Eh, maybe later…
Hermione: Don't worry about it. We never got Harry a shrink, and he has some BIIIIIIG problems… and he's okay.
Harry: (Pokes Doughboy) Hehe… you're squiiiiiiishy… (Pokes)
James: You call that "okay?" What are YOU like, you… you… Harry's girlfriend!
Sirius: (Recovered from crying fit.) Okay, James, three things. Hermione is perfectly sane, except for her abnormal brain size, her nagging, and her infatuation with Ron, which she is in denial of.
Hermione: HEY! I'm not in denial! I mean, I don't like Ron! I mean… oh, crap… (Goes to poke Doughboy with Harry)
Ron: Does that mean she likes me?
Ginny: You're pathetic, Ron. Well yeah, we all know she likes you, and you like her… You'll definitely start going out some time next year.
Ron: How do you know that, Ginny? Are you psychic? Are you physic?
Ginny: Physic? Ron, that's a branch of science.
Ron: Uh… sorry. Are you psychic?
Ginny: No, I just know that you two have to start going out before the series ends.
Sirius: Which leads me to my second point; Hermione isn't Harry's girlfriend, even though she's a total genius. No, Harry's going out with Ginny. (Points to Ginny)
James: My son is going out with that physic!
Sirius: Psychic, James.
Ginny: I'm not friggin' psychic!
Hermione: I think he meant psycho.
James: Yeah… what she said.
Ginny: Hehe… I am a bit of a psycho…
Author: Yeah Ginny! You kick ass, gurl! (High-fives Ginny) You're totally awesome in the books… you've been so good lately that I'm going to give you a present.
Ron: Hey! Why does SHE get a present?
Author: Because she has to make out with Harry.
Ron: o.0 … oh.
Author: Here you go, Ginny. (Gives Ginny a digital camera)
Ginny: Sweeeet!
Author: Wait, even better…
(Draco appears in a puff of smoke, wearing a frilly dress)
Ginny: Wow… (Starts snapping pictures)
Draco: What am I doing over here!
Lupin: Is it just me, or should he really have asked about the dress first?
Author: That's the funny part; I was gonna put him in a dress, but he was already wearing one!
Draco: (Sings) I feel pretty… oh so pretty… I feel pretty and witty and gaaaaaaaaay!
Ginny: Damn right.
Author: I think you've got enough pictures. He's getting annoying. (Zaps Draco back to the Evil Dudes huddle.)
James: Wow, she really does kick ass.
Sirius: And lastly, while Harry is certifiable insane, everyone pokes the Doughboy. (Takes James over to poke the Doughboy)
James: Hey, this is fun!
Doughboy: Ow… eep… I demand to see a lawyer—hoo hoo!
Author: (Pokes Doughboy) Hey, wait, the teams are screwed up… the Marauders have one less player… lets see… they get the Doughboy and the Evil People have to be one player short because they all suck.
Draco: Hey! (Sobs)
Author: So the teams stand, Hermione & Harry & Ron & Ginny & Kenny, Voldie & Malfoy & Snape & Wormtail, Lilly & James & Lupin & Sirius & Doughboy. Tune in next time for when I get over my typer's cramp! I'm makin' this two-part! (Don't complain, this thing is 12 freakin' pages!) Beware, the cliffhanger… (Cliffhanger falls off a cliff) Oops. Oh well…
A/N:QWERTY QWERTY QWERTYY QWERTY QWERTY QWERTY QWERTY QWERTY QWERTY QWERTY QWERTY QWERTY QWERTY QWERTY QWERTY QWERTY! (Deep breaths) And I swear, I never used cut-and-paste! I did it all by hand! (sings off key) I am the champion… Riiiiiight, I don't know where the QWERTY came from… I probably fell asleep on the keyboard… XDD