Author's Note: Today marked the day that we experienced the most atrocious of all atrocities. While at Reege, we had an absolutely dreadful and heartbreaking encounter with Benjamin McKenzie. We will never see Mr. McKenzie in the same light again, so this fic does not go out to him or his meanie publicist. In other news, meeting Kristin from Laguna Beach was absolutely delightful.
Dedications: To all those who are frightened, appalled, and horrified when reading our fics. We love it when you call us losers, because we think it's the hottest that you continue to read our fairly long stories that you hate so very much. So, this fic is dedicated to all our reviewers, the ones that like us, too! We love it, even if you hate it.
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"KiKi! Are you ready, yet? We're going to be late!" screams Julie Cooper as she waltzes into the Cohen household.
Rounding the corner into the living room, Julie Cooper spots KiKi concentrating intently on the television, which is currently playing an instructional video entitled, "How You, a Southern Californian Socialite, Can Lose Your Canadian Accent." Julie Cooper watches for a moment as KiKi attempts to say "about," but pronounces it "aboot" instead, in true Canadian style.
Julie Cooper shouts out, "KiKs, you're watching this video again?"
KiKi then replies saying, "Oh, I'm 'sorey', Julie Cooper. I've been trying to improve my accent. How am I doing?"
Julie Cooper, realizing that KiKi's efforts will go without any progress, replies in an exasperated tone, "Seriously, Kiks, it's time to get to that IMAX movie. I'll just die if we miss the Harry Potter preview."
They hop in the vehicle and speed off to the nearest IMAX theatre. Julie Cooper slams down the gas pedal, intent on seeing that Ronald Weasley with his brand new olden time hairdo.
KiKi screams when suddenly a wildebeest seems to fly at the car! Julie Cooper slams on the breaks, but it's too late. They drove right through the wildebeest! They were shocked by its disappearance, thinking they had imagined the whole debacle. Suddenly, they heard a low growl from the backseat. They whipped their heads around, narrowly escaping the threat of whiplash, and were absolutely shocked to see the wildebeest in the back seat!
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KiKi and Julie Cooper entered the huge theatre, encumbered with popcorn, Skittles, Gummy Bears, and a ginormous peanut butter cup to split. They eyed the theatre, looking for the greatest seats ever. They were dismayed to find that the local Newport IMAX was not quite as colossal as they had anticipated. When they had seen The Polar Express, in their IMAXFAN! Group of which they are the only two members, they cried tears of joy, loving the moving experience. They hoped Charlie and the Chocolate Factory would match the experience, but this theatre was just not as big.
Partway through the movie, Julie Cooper felt the urge to visit the potty. Though upset about missing some Wonka fun, she made her way from the theatre.
On her way out, she was surrounded by a sea of Oompa Lumpas, who seemed to appear from nowhere, beginning to sing and dance in perfect harmony.
The Oompa Lumpas sang:
Julie Coop! O! Julie Coop!
The great big greedy nincompoop!
How long could we allow this beast
To gorge and guzzle, feed and feast
On everything she wanted to?
Great Mischa! It simply wouldn't do!
However long this pig might live,
We're positive she'd never give
Even the smallest bit of fun
Or happiness to anyone.
People loved it, dancing along maniacally to the Oompa Lumpas' tune. KiKi clapped and sang along with glee. From a distant corner, Jimmy Cooper yelled, "That's fantastic!"
Finally, the Oompa Lumpas fled, allowing Julie Cooper to head to the bathroom.
When she returned, KiKi and Julie Cooper continued watching the screen intently. They were pleased to see one of their favorite characters, Mike TeaVee, in a shining moment.
Willy Wonka urged everyone to put on some ginormous safety glasses, to protect their eyesight in the highly dangerous television room. Seeing all the characters put ginormous white glasses on their heads, KiKi and Julie Cooper immediately whipped out their very own ginormous sunglasses, taking Wonka's words to heart.
KiKi, frazzled by the sudden darkness, accidentally drops Gummy Bears all over the floor. Screaming, "It's dark!" Kiks accidentally falls out of her chair, trying to find and salvage her beloved gummy snacks.
Julie Cooper whips out her camera phone and a handy stuffed chicken, immediately taking a pic of the events right as they went down.
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"Wow, that was the hottest movie ever! It really made me want chocolate, though," KiKi tells Julie Cooper.
"I know!" Julie Cooper responded, "I'm really craving a Wonka bar!"
KiKi pondered for a moment, ultimately deciding that she must give into this hankering for chocolate.
At that moment, Julie Cooper made the brilliant suggestion of hitting up the nearby Target to pick up a box of Betty Crocker, containing products that would ultimately come together to create a delectably ginormous chocolate cake!
While normally, Julie Cooper and KiKi would never think of making their own baked goods, they had both been recently banned from their favorite bakery, The Energetic Cupcake, when Julie Cooper had tried to wrestle a bag of chocolate icing from the hands of a bakery employee in order to bring it home for Caitlin Cooper's dinner. Caitlin, had recently began an icing only diet, in which she ate nothing but icing and one peanut a day with a variety of dietary supplements in substitute of actual foods.
So, upset at the idea of missing out on some cake eating, Julie Cooper and Kiks decided to try their hands at baking. They made their way past the shining displays of containers and other such target products towards the baked goods aisle.
KiKi gingerly picked up a box of devil's food cake mix and looked at Julie Cooper with a look of fear on her face, "are you sure this is a good idea, Julie Cooper?"
"KiKi, it can't be that hard. All those bakers do it everyday! And look! We can add all of these scrumptious chocolate additives. Some semi-sweets, and some chocolate syrup, ohh KiKs, magic shell!" Making their way to the checkout, they were distracted by a ginormous sunglass display, displaying ginormous sunglasses. Struck with another brilliant idea, Julie Cooper begins to pile the ginormous sunglasses into KiKi's already full arms.
"Kiks, I swear I've just had the greatest idea! I've thought of a way to make Mischa so very jealous of us!"
"Julie Cooper, why must you compete with your child on a daily basis?" Questions KiKi exasperated with Julie Cooper's behavior.
Julie Cooper answers her with little apology for her behavior, "I'm a Type A personality, it's just the way I am, Damnit! You can't change me now. And anyway, Mischa is such a little me, there's no way we could avoid daily battles on irrelevant topics!"
KiKi, giving up on Julie Cooper, finally ventures to ask what her great idea is.
"We're going to make all of these $10 sunglasses into Chanel!" screams Julie Cooper as loud as her voice will go. Pleased with her screams she continues to scream and disturb the Target, "I am so excited that I am screaming at the top of my lungs like a BSB fan at a Never Gone Tour concert looking at a sweaty Nickay and crazy dancing!"
KiKi agrees, loving the idea. She was always jealous of Misha's collection, and couldn't wait until her own Chanel (and fake Chanel) collection would surpass the likes of Mischa's, leaving it in the dust!
They pick up a pair of huge square black ginormous sunglasses, massive white circulars, and larger than life brown ovals. Julie Cooper immediately produces small, fake Chanel labels and sticks one to each pair of ginormous glasses. Excited with their work, KiKi and Julie Cooper skip all the way to the register, ready to pay for their amazing finds.
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On the car ride, they discuss whose home would be more appropriate for cake baking.
"Caitlin, Chester, and Topanga are hosting an opium den, and I'm not allowed back in the home until 3 a.m." Julie Cooper tells KiKi. She continues, asking KiKi, "Is Sandy Cohen home?"
"No," KiKi responds. "He's in Toronto, on a cruise around the lagoon with Howie D. You know how he adores his boy bands so."
Julie Cooper nodded knowingly and drove the vehicle toward the Cohens' home, being careful to avoid very large African antelopes with horns like oxen and long tufted tails.
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Stepping into the home, they are immediately greeted by the sounds of Sandy Cohen's heroes singing his very favorite song, "Just Want You To Know."
They pass through the living room to the kitchen and hear the most intense part of the song. They hear, "I just want you to knoooow! BANG!"
They spot Sandy Cohen shooting off fireworks outside, enjoying the company of Greg, Holly Fisher's dad.
KiKi shrugs, upon seeing this, unfazed by the pomp and circumstance of her home.
Without further thought, KiKi unpacks the Target goodies, immediately putting on a pair of new "Chanels" and setting out to work.
Julie Cooper grabs a bowl, and they line up all their chocolate product next to the bowl. KiKi grabs the mix, pouring all of the contents into the bowl. Julie Cooper tosses semi sweet morsels left and right, above and below, and side-to-side. KiKi squirts in some chocolate syrup and then tops it off with some magic shell.
"Shall we throw it in the oven now?" KiKi asks.
"No, Kiks, we've got to add the other stuff on the directions on the box first," Julie Cooper enlightens her. "First, we'll need some water."
KiKi goes to the refrigerator and asks, "Sparkling or mineral?"
"I suppose just Evian is fine, Kiks. There's enough minerals in chocolate already, I'd think," Julie Cooper responds.
KiKi returns from her trek to the refrigerator and pours the remainder of an opened Evian pint in, not caring that this bottle probably belonged to Ryan Atwood.
Sandy Cohen bursts through the door, with a white tee and various fabric paint color options.
"KiKi, what color would you like your 'Free Joey Potter" tee to be? Mine's pink, Seth Cohen's is sparkling green, and Ryan Atwood's is red. I've still got to see if Ryan wants a shooting star, though."
KiKi responds, "Polka dot would be hot!"
Sandy Cohen storms out, refusing to accept polka dot as a color.
KiKi shrugs again and gets back to her cake and wonders why Sandy Cohen is not on a boat tour.
Just a second later, Seth Cohen interrupts the cake process again, carrying up a loaded up Herve.
"Mom!" Seth Cohen yells, "You are disturbingly close to baked goods. Step away from the oven, please."
"Oh, sweetie, I thought you were still asleep," KiKi says.
Seth Cohen rolls his eyes and wonders how his mother walks upright some days. He responds to her, "It's three in the afternoon. I've been in L.A. since 5 this morning."
Kiks is shocked by this and asks him why he rose at such a horrid hour.
Seth Cohen replies by telling a long tale of his day, "We were waiting outside of Reege, for the 'outsider' from The Valley. We saw him walk in and out of the studio, but he wouldn't even speak to anyone or sign an autograph for Summer! She brought a wifebeater and everything. At least that Grady Bridges paid attention. What a jerk."
KiKi looks sympathetic and asks if anything good had happened that day.
Seth Cohen gets an excited look on his face and yells, "Well! We did also meet the antagonist, the cheater, the third point of the triangle from the real Valley, Sherman Oaks! She was lovely! She was super nice, and we were pictured with her!"
Seth Cohen walks away, heading to his room, to get the sleep he missed out on the night before.
Julie Cooper, who had been silently reading the cake instructions, informs KiKi that they'll need three eggs.
KiKi, informing Julie Cooper that she does not eat eggs and does not keep them in her home, responds that the cake will do just fine without them.
Julie Cooper shrugs and pours the chocolate mix into a turkey pan, throwing it into the oven, forgetting to turn it on.
Julie Cooper and KiKi, so pleased with their accomplishments, squeal in glee.
Forgetting the cake immediately, KiKi reaches into the freezer and grabs a bottle of tequila, proposing a toast to Julie Cooper.
KiKi expertly whips up some margs and has them in glasses in no time.
Handing one to Julie Cooper, KiKi knocks their glasses together and celebratorally screams, "To fresh margs!"
Julie Cooper joins in, and together they scream, "To fresh margs!"
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Disclaimers: Though these versions of Julie Cooper and KiKi in no way resemble their likeness on the show, we will claim the personas portrayed in this fic as our own, but will not claim the idea of the characters. We have no rights to Canadian accents or IMAX films or their previews, including that one for Harry Potter and all of the stars of it. We have no rights to wildebeests or any wild animals, and we also do not own the idea of the wildebeest arriving in the backseat, as we saw that in a preview for that new WB11 show. We do not own The Polar Express or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but 28 of our dollars did go to seeing the latter in IMAX. While we enjoy a good meal of popcorn, Skittles, Gummy Bears, and a ginormous peanut butter cup to split, we don't own those, either. We don't own any Oompa Lumpas, but we do very much want one, and we don't own any of the songs they sing. We don't own Mike TeaVee or Jimmy Cooper (or his favorite phrase.) We only own a few pairs of ginormous sunglasses, and unlike Julie Cooper, we proudly display them as Target's. We have absolutely no rights over ginormous eyewear of any kind, including sunglasses and safety goggles. While we love taking pics with stuffed chickens, we've unfortunately never had the honor of creating one. We also have no rights over camera phones. Wonka bars, chocolate cake, Betty Crocker cake mix, and Target are all lovely establishments, but we don't own them, either. We don't own Mischa, Ryan Atwood, Seth Cohen, Summer, Sandy Cohen, Holly Fischer's dad, Grady Bridges, or those fictional people from The Valley and Sherman Oaks. We don't own semi-sweet morsels, chocolate syrup, or magic shell, in the legal sense, anyway. We directly borrowed the idea that Mischa is a little Julie Cooper from an episode of The O.C. We do not known any of the Backstreet Boys, their fans, their tours, their songs, or their promotional events. We don't have any rights to Chanel or to fireworks. We don't have claims over white tees, wifebeaters, Evian, fabric paints, or Herves. We have no claims over drugs, either, and we apologize for that reference. We don't know anything about the way drugs or gatherings involving drugs work. We also have no rights over Regis and realize that he's in New York City. However, we don't like any L.A. talk show hosts in quite the same way we love Reege.