Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings, and as much should be apparent to anyone.
Lord of the BLINGS
One bling to rule them all,
One bling to find them.
One bling to bring them all,
And in the darkness bind them.
At the end of the first millennium, the Dark Lord "top dawg" Sauron created 19 blings. He gave 7 to the dwarf lords, 3 to the elves, and 9 to the race of men. But there was another they did not know of. The one bling of power, forged in the fires of L.A. Into it he poured his cruelty, his malice, and his will to rule all.
So did the battle of Middle earth begin, and upon the death of his pappy, Isildur took up his father's sword and cut the bling from Sauron's neck. Elrond insisted that it be burned and destroyed, but Isildur protested, insisting that it was "to friggin' shiny to burn".
For ten years, Isildur carried it on his neck, showing Snoop Dog "who got da bling". That was, until Middle-Earth top Mafia member Al Pacino shot him down. Isildur drowned, and for many years, things that should not have been forgotten, were lost.
It came to pass that the creature Gollum should find it, and as it took over him, he lived, tortured, in the Hollywood Hills. He depended on the precious, but lost it while finding some juicy fish for his supper. It was picked up by the most unlikely of creatures; a hobbit, by the name of Bilbo Baggins.
Frodo Baggins sat beneath his favourite tree in the park, listening to one of his favourite tunes on his MP3 player. He could hear the sound of the familiar suped up car, and as he looked over his shoulder, he saw a black Audi pulling up. The window rolled down, and…
"GANDALF!" he squealed. "I mean…um…yo, s'up my man?"
"I'm hangin, I'm hangin…"
Frodo jumped into the car. "Oh Gandalf…it's so good to see you again. Whad'you bring for the party?"
"Oh, a couple of magic tricks, some booze, y'know…"
"Booze, that'll be cool with the birthday man…"
"Where's he anyway?"
"He's back at the crib, hiding from relatives."
"Yeah, sounds like somethin' he would …Hey! Don't touch the ride! Just got a paint job!" he yelled as the little hobbit children came up and started chasing after the car. They hung their heads in disappointment, with huge puppy dog eyes and tears and what not. "Man," said Gandalf, "if there be anything that I can't resist, it be when them kids start mopin' around." He pressed some buttons (the ones that made the car bounce and the one that opened the trunk) and fireworks came spewing out. The children jumped and laughed in glee. Gandalf smiled.
When they got to the centre of Little Hobbiton, Frodo jumped out of the car.
"So, I'll see you at 8 then?"
"Wouldn't miss it for the world."
"Great. Remember, be there or be square!" Frodo turned his back, stole an apple of a stand, bit into it with satisfaction, and walked off.
Gandalf continued up the road until he reached Bag-end. He knocked on the door. From inside, Bilbo called: "I don't want any visitors, relatives or them real-estate people, you hear me?"
"How about old friends?" replied Gandalf.
Bilbo opened the door. "Oh Gandalf, how good it is to see you again! Come in, come in."
Before Gandalf could even step inside, his car alarm went off. The kids were running as fast as their little legs could carry them.
"Whad' I say about the car?" he yelled, shaking his fist.
"Come now, Gandalf. Kids'll be kids."
Gandalf entered, bending down so as not to hit his head. Hobbits were a very short people indeed.
"Whad'll it be? I've got coke and rum, gin and 7-up…" he said excitedly, hurrying off into the kitchen.
"Rum and coke will be fine." said Gandalf politely.
"…and vodka, and…ooh, I've got some nice Scotch as well…"
"Rum and coke will be fine, please." repeated Gandalf, a little more loudly.
Bilbo came running out of the kitchen with what seemed like every kind of drink or beverage he owned.
"So, are you gonna' go through with your plans tonight?" he inquired, as Bilbo set down the glasses and bottles.
"Yeah, yeah, Rivendell is da bomb compared to this place."
"Where is the bling?"
"On the plasma screen fireplace, waitin' for Frodo."
"Insert weird buzzing sound here! That's wrong, dawg! It's around yo' neck! How could you miss it? For a secret, you do show it off easily!"
"Well, um, perhaps I should take it, I mean, the, er, shininess might blind Frodo and…No! You can't have it! It's mine, it's my precious!"
Gandalf gave Bilbo a while to "chill". After a bit…
"Fine, dawg, s'up to you. All I'm sayin' is that you know that it's been called that before, by the homie of the Hollywood hills, if ye catch my drift."
"Alright, alright. Let's put it away for now, for Frodo to find later. You'll keep an eye on him?"
"I'll keep three. And don't worry! Everything's set!"
"Well, let's go then! It's not every year that I turn one-hundred-and-eleventy!"
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A/N: I think I'll leave the rest of this for awhile, and finish Family Matters.