A/N: Hey, it's us! Viper and Heart here!

YV: Here we are…. another story… woo…

BH14: YaY! Another story! WEEE!

YV: You disgust me sometimes….

BH14: But you luuuuuurve me!

YV: Do not be so sure…

BH14: Hey:(

YV: Yeah, yeah, yeah… Let's get on with the story…

Disclaimer: We own not the characters, nor places, nor talk shows, which may be mocked or used in the production this fic. Thank you for your time and attention.

Summary: Hermione and Draco are the hottest new couple at Hogwarts but some are not so happy. Suddenly, Hermione's demeanor changes and Harry is then pulled into the picture! Hermione is pregnant but… who is the father? Nobody knows… (BH14: Except us!)

…You Are Not the Father!

By: Kermit's In My Bathroom

Chapter 1

And So… It Begins…

An old man in a silky red bathrobe grasps a large, leather-bound volume from the small table aside his badly-proportioned chintz armchair. He sits and gingerly places his slippered feet atop the ottoman, as he slowly opens the volume to a random page. He begins to read by the light of the fire crackling merrily in the background.

"…you are NOT the father!"

An audible gasp ripped through the tensed audience.

PAUSE

Wait… you have no conception of what is going on, do you? Well, our apologies let us recant to the very beginning of our tale and so… it begins…

REWIND

PLAY

As Draco and Hermione, Hogwarts new couple, entered the Great Hall, arm in arm with gigantic beams on their faces, an instant uproar occurred. Whispers flitted across the hall like tiny fires and many swiveled in their seats to stare openly.

"I shall see you in Potions…, mi amor," Draco purred into Hermione's ear seductively, grinning all the while.

A shiver ran up her spine, the sound of his voice causing all her nerves to spike.

"And I shall see you, mi querido," she whispered back, just as seductively.

Draco grinned and sauntered over to the Slytherin table, where numerous housemates were prepared to interrogate. Hermione, after all, was the infamous Gryffindor Know-It-All, best friend of the-Boy-Who-Refused-to-Die. He gracefully placed his rear in-between his long time cronies, Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle, and grabbed an oh-so-delicious frosting-topped cinnamon bun. As he was about to take a bite of the oh-so-delicious frosting-topped cinnamon bun, he felt a pair of eyes boring into the side of handsome, well-managed face. 'What is it THIS time, Pansy?' he thought, annoyed.

"Yes, my dear Miss Parkinson, how may I be of assistance?" he drawled down the table toward the chubby, pug-faced female.

Pansy scowled in a way that made her squashed features seem even more squashed than usual.

"Nothing, Draco dahling, just wondering what your father would say about your fraternizing with a Mudblood," Pansy sneered malevolently.

Anger flashed across Draco's normally smirking features briefly before he answered with a snap. "I don't believe that it is any of your concern, Pansy."

Changing tact with light speed, Pansy simpered, "And what about me, Drakie? Don't you love me?"

"Pansy, we've been through this." 'So many times I lost count.'

"But, Draco-"

"Pansy, let it go…"

Pansy smirked. 'Oh, I shall get you, Draco, and I have the perfect plan.' And then, she brainstormed.

"'Mione, I'm so happy for you! When did this happen? I had no idea!" the youngest Weasley squealed.

"Last night and it was so romantic!" Hermione gushed happily in un-Hermione-like tone.

Ginny let off a high pitch giggle, calling the attention of everyone in the hall to herself and the brunette sitting next to her.

"What in the name of God was that about, Hermione?" came an angry voice from behind the pair.

"Dear Ronald, whatever are you talking about?" she cooed innocently.

Ron snarled. "You know EXACTLY what I'm talking about! You're a-a TRAITOR!"

"Oh, Ron, don't be such a drama queen," Ginny sighed, amusement evident in her voice.

The tips of Ron's ears began to turn red, a tell-tale sign of embarrassment and/or anger. Harry, noticing this, intervened.

"Er, Ron, pass me the... er… the… PANCAKES! Pass me the pancakes!"

Ron looked at him weirdly, ears returning to their normal color, before responding, "Sure, mate…"

"Thanks," Harry said awkwardly, taking the pancakes from his best friend.

Ginny watched them for a few seconds in amusement before turning to her forgotten friend, who she found staring at a one Draco Malfoy.

"Hermione, return to the land of the living!" Hermione didn't blink and her dreamy gaze didn't falter.

Ginny gasped, "Oh, my gosh, we're being attacked by the syrup! The syrup is attacking! AHHH! Save us, Hermione!"

"Mmhmm, that's nice, Ginny," Hermione said absently.

Ginny huffed. "Look, look! It's raining chocolate!"

Hermione snapped to attention. "Chocolate? Where?" she exclaimed, looking around frantically for the nonexistent chocolate.

"I knew that one would work," Ginny giggled, "You and your chocolate obsession."

Hermione glared. "I don't eat it all the time!"

"Yup, sure. Keep tellin' yourself that, hun."

Hermione sulked and poked at her scrambled eggs...Potions couldn't arrive too soon.