Disclaimer: All this is the property of Tamora Pierce, not me. Don't sue.
Spellbound
And I cannot, cannot go.
Son,
I am very pleased to hear that you are learning your lessons as a page well, and are rapidly progressing in your studies. Life continues here at Tirragen; this year crops have grown well over the summer and it looks to be a bountiful harvest. Your brother Simeion is beginning to take charge of small parts of the keep; he is taking care of home well.
I hope you are well and wish you well in your studies. I'm proud of you, son.
Sincerely,
Lamont of Tirragen
~*~
It was the beginning of Alex's second year as a page - his first had gone relatively smoothly, and his progress was reported to his father in letters home maybe once a month of two.
Alex worked during nearly all of his spare time - doing his 'homework', and practicing swordwork. Given the choice, though, he would neglect the written work and practice his drills. That is, he would practice until Gary or Raoul would drag the 'workaholic' away to have some fun. (Francis was too shy to do any dragging, and Jonathan was a bit of a workaholic himself).
Much on Alex's nights were spent on homework, if only to make him tired enough that he wouldn't dream. Circles under his eyes and dragging leaden limbs out of bed in the morning were much preferable to dreams.
There was only one night each month that Alex could not help but dream - and he knew they were not. When the moon shone full and bright outside Alex's window, he would travel the woods upon four legs, hunting for blood.
Alex told himself always to stay in the wood, never, ever to go into the city. Even in his unclear state of mind as a cat, he could remember to stay away from Corus. But the scents of people called to him, luring him to civilization. So he told himself he would wander just a bit closer, to deeper inhale the scent of the lower city; rowdy drunks laughing at bars with cheerful waitresses of negotiable virtue, working men whistling as they return home, mothers tucking small children into bed.
He wandered just a bit closer every night, he'd never actually enter the city, never that. Always stay outside the city walls.
He kept telling himself that, until one night he found himself climbing in the window of some anonymous commoner. Found himself padding across the bed, stalking his slumbering prey. Found himself digging his teeth into his victim's neck, a wet gurgling noise escaping from her windpipe as his fangs ripped her throat apart. Found himself licking the blood that trickled down her neck to stain the blankets bunched around her torso. Found himself bounding out the window into the night, leaving her still body lying on the bed.
~*~
Alex woke up the next morning with the coppery taste of blood in his mouth.
For a few minutes he sat there, absolutely still except for the occasional blink of his eyes. I have killed, he thought. But it changed nothing. He just sat there, frozen in his bed. He knew that, as a knight, he would most likely be called upon to kill his fellow man, in the service of his king. He would not stay pure as snow for long. He knew that.
He also knew that he had not expected to kill an innocent person before his thirteenth birthday. He knew he should have been horrified. But he felt nothing.
~*~
"Are you okay, Alex?" Gary asked at lunch, concerned. Alex's attention had been focused completely inward all day, he had hardly said a word.
Alex shook his head and continued with his work. "Yeah, I'm fine, Gary. Just tired, is all."
"You should get some sleep. Don't work so hard, Alex."
~*~
Strangely enough, another besides Gary asked if Alex was doing alright that day - Sir Myles, with whom Alex argued the Code of Chivalry on a daily basis, kept Alex after history to talk to him.
"I'm fine," Alex insisted.
Myles didn't look so sure. "You haven't said a thing all class, and you look quite pale. Are you sure you're doing all right? If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm always here to listen."
Alex's opinion of Myles was not high - the man was kind, granted, but his views on knighthood did not agree with Alex, and he was the court drunk to boot. Alex was too polite to say it to his face, but criticized Myles quite frequently around his friends.
"No, I'm really fine, thank you." Alex forced a smile. Myles didn't look convinced, but let Alex go.
~*~
That night, Alex felt stuffed inside, and, even though it was past curfew, went out for some air.
He crept behind the stables to hide where he could breathe fresh air in peace. After sitting still there for a few minutes, be began to pick up on the conversation of a couple of stable hands.
"…Yah, that was a big one. Say Curt, you hear 'bout that lass down lower city?"
"Depends. I hear 'bout lots o' lasses, heh heh." They both laughed.
"No, this ain't 'bout no pretty face. It's only rumor, 'member, but I heard there 'us this girl, she 'us found stone cold dead in 'er bed. Nobuddy knows who did it. An' ya wanna know the scariest part?"
Alex froze.
"What?" the other stable hand asked in a hushed voice.
"She's throat is all ripped up, like it 'us teeth. There 'us claw marks on her bed, too. They say some kinda animal came in an' just -" Alex heard a choking noise.
Alex put his hands over his ears, not wanting to hear any more. He felt sick. Somehow, he stumbled over towards the bushes and retched up what little he had eaten at dinner. He then ran straight back to his room and got into bed, burying himself in blankets. He sat there and cried for the rest of the night, and hated himself for being so weak.