Disclaimer: Still not mine, wish they were, it'd be very cool
And so, next chapter. Only a couple more left. So yay, almost done. :) Thanks to harmfan, froggy, snugglebug, marineJAG, zeilfanaat, jaggurl, Radiorox, starryeyes, Mxfan, strawberrywine, HopeGrace, Nix, and anyone else I missed for the reviews! I really appreciate them! So here's the next chapter. Read, review, enjoy, all that jazz.
Mac's Apartment
1745 ZULU
"Explain to me again why I can't stay at my own apartment?" Harm asked irritably as Sturgis pushed him through the door. He thoroughly disliked being unable to do anything for himself, even move his own wheelchair, and his annoyance was bleeding over to every other topic.
Mac sighed and rolled her eyes as she followed the two men inside. She'd already answered the question at least three times and was getting quite tired of it. Unable to keep the annoyance out of her voice she replied, "For the last time, Harm, you can't stay alone and your apartment has stairs which you can't navigate and I can't carry you up. Therefore, we stay here." Mac noted Sturgis trying to subtly move away from the pair, apparently worried about what appeared to be an imminent argument.
"But--"
"No buts, Harm. You can't stay at your apartment, doctor's orders. Now please, give it a rest," she said tiredly, not in the mood for an argument.
He glanced at her sharply, hearing the weariness in her voice. Frowning slightly, he made a note to talk to her about it later. Out loud he simply said, "Sorry, Mac. It's just this… enforced immobility is wearing on me."
Mac nodded, smiling slightly back at him, "That I understand." She noticed with amusement that Sturgis was already halfway back to the door. For a brief second their eyes met and they were back to being the friends they had once been, before everything went to hell in a hand basket. He grinned ruefully, silently sharing his sympathy before the moment was lost and awkwardness settled in.
Sturgis cleared his throat, "I should be going. Need to go over the case with Bud."
"Of course. Thanks for the help," Mac smiled gratefully.
Sturgis returned the slight smile and commented, "Either Bud or I will be contacting you about the trial. Get well, guys." With that he was out the door before Harm or Mac could respond.
The pair watched the closed door for a moment before exchanging rueful grins. Harm commented sardonically, "You'd think he didn't like us."
With a chuckle, Mac teased, "Nah, he just doesn't like you." Harm gave her a mock wounded look and pretended to clutch his heart with his left hand.
They grinned at each other for a few more moments before Harm finally asked, glancing around curiously, "So, where's this dog that has my name?"
"With Jen. She's going to bring him over after she leaves the office." She hobbled around for a minute or so, absently fiddling with things. After a short silence she asked, her back to Harm, "You don't mind that I named the dog after you?"
Harm looked at her back in shock, after a second he said quietly, "Mac, look at me." He waited until she'd turned to face him once more before asking, "Why would I mind?" Mac shrugged slightly. Letting out a soft sigh Harm asked again, "Come on, Mac, you know me. Why would I mind?"
After another brief pause she shrugged again, "I don't know. It's just… most guys I've um… known," she stumbled over the word, suddenly realizing she didn't actually know how to describe Harm and hers new relationship, "probably would have found it at the least weird, at the worst an insult."
He watched her for a moment, mentally struggling to pull forward memories of other men besides Clay. Finally he answered slowly, "Yeah, I guess I see what you mean." He gave her a small smile, trying to convey as much reassurance as he could, "Sarah… I'm not them."
This time she smiled back, stepping over to brush one hand across his shoulder, "I know. It's just hard to believe."
He smiled up at her, automatically tilting his head slightly to press his cheek against her hand. They stood like that for a moment before Harm broke the moment with a grin, "So… what's for lunch?"
2300 ZULU
Mac's Apartment
Mac leaned back on the couch, staring off into space. The day had seemed to pass in weird bursts of speed ever since Sturgis had left. In the hospital Harm and she had been comfortable, able to handle that scenario. But now, everything was different. Now they were actually at her apartment where they'd both have to live at least until Harm could walk again. Now they were completely alone and she realized that she had no clue how to handle it. The thought had never crossed her mind in her initial desperation to get her partner back and then the chaos surrounding the task of ensuring he'd live.
It had never occurred to her to think through what would happen when they got home because truth be told, she hadn't been certain they would get him home. Once they had rescued him and the doctors had told her he would make it she just hadn't given the future much thought. Suddenly the future was here, staring her straight in the face, and she didn't know what to do. Sure, they'd talked a bit, doing their best to pretend they were perfectly fine and comfortable but Mac couldn't deny the relief she'd felt when he'd said he was tired. So now he was stretched out on the bed, sleeping, while she struggled to figure out what the hell she was going to do.
The Colonel sighed, absently rubbing the bridge of her nose. She was thrilled that Harm was going to be ok, even more ecstatic that they seemed to be working towards something more than mere friendship. Yet, there were things she refused to face. Getting him home and out of the hospital seemed surreal. It was a confirmation that he was truly alive and it brought forward the feelings she'd been struggling with ever since her initial escape from captivity. Checking the time she shook off the depressing thoughts and rose, moving slowly towards the bedroom to check on Harm.
Mac stood in the doorway silently for several minutes, just watching him sleep. She took the opportunity to study him like she had when he was first rescued. Slowly she took in each of the casts and bandages, wincing mentally. Most of the visible cuts and bruises were pretty much healed for which she was grateful, seeing him so visibly battered was hard enough without wounds in plain sight to drive the point home. But even the sight of him healing couldn't shake the image of how he'd been when they found him, dirty, broken, and barely alive. Shaking her head, Mac tried to banish the image, tried to force her mind to replace it with one of him as he'd been on the carrier, alive, gorgeous, and full of the energy that had made her fall for him in the first place.
She couldn't do it though. No matter how hard she tried, the image of Harm's limp body dangling from the shoulders of the marines kept swimming to the surface, taunting her with the horror that almost became reality. Choking back a sob she focused once more on Harm's face only to find him watching her silently. She forced herself to smile and speak in a normal tone, "Hey sailor, I thought you were going to sleep all day."
He ignored her greeting and frowned slightly. Quietly he asked, wishing fiercely that he could stand up and go to her, "Mac, what's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong, just came to see if you were awake," she answered, speaking too quickly. As soon as the words left her mouth she mentally cursed at herself. She knew Harm would be able to tell that something wasn't right.
Sure enough he gave her a look that clearly said he knew she was lying. Instead of repeating the question like she thought he would he said softly, holding out his left hand, "Come here." She hesitated for a moment, silently warring with herself as to how much of her emotions she was willing to let him see. After a moment the logical voice in her head, the one that told her if they were to have any chance of making things work she had to talk to him, won out. Mac made her way to the bed, automatically lacing her fingers with his. Gently he tugged on her hand until she finally acquiesced and sat next to him on the bed. Harm studied her face for a moment before asking, "Mac, please talk to me."
She stared at their hands for a long moment, idly tracing his fingers with her own. Finally she said, not meeting his eyes, "It's nothing, just something stupid."
"I doubt that."
"No, really, it's nothing you need to worry about." She still refused to meet his eyes. Suddenly she stood back up, "I should go wait for Jen; she should be here soon."
"Mac." His voice stopped her before she could step away from the bed. Tightening his hand on hers as best he could he stated, this time more firmly, "Talk to me."
"Harm…"
"Are you going to make me give you a direct order?"
Her gaze flew to his in shock, "You wouldn't."
He looked at her for a moment then sighed, "No, I wouldn't. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't talk to me." She stared at him briefly then sighed in defeat, sitting back down beside him. He watched her carefully, softening his voice now that she didn't appear to be on the verge of flight, "Please, Mac, you looked so sad. Tell me why?"
She took a deep breath and dragged her gaze back up to meet his. Slowly she began talking, "I was looking at you and I just… I can't get the pictures of what they did to you out of my head. It doesn't matter that you're here, that the doctors have said you should make a full recovery." He tried to interject something reassuring but was cut off instantly. "Every time I stop moving, stop thinking my mind starts going over everything."
"Mac… everything's going to be--"
"Damnit Harm, I almost lost you!" He blinked once in surprise, startled at her sudden anger. He stared at her, gaze locked with hers and was shaken when he realized just how much fear she'd been hiding away since she had come after him. He barely had time to process the fact before she continued, voice still edged with anger and gradually the fear crept in also. "I almost lost you," she repeated. "And if we'd been even thirty minutes later you'd be dead! I kept telling myself you were alive but I couldn't tell whether it was because I knew you were or if I just was deluding myself. God…"
Letting out a shuddering breath Mac abruptly tore her gaze away from his, trying to look anywhere but at him. She didn't even realize she was crying until he lightly brushed away a tear with the fingertips of his right hand. She looked back at him, startled, freezing in place. He just watched her, gently brushing away the tears despite the awkwardness of moving his right hand. Softly she murmured, "And the worst part was… there was no one I could tell. After all, who do you talk to when the person you want to talk to is the reason you need to talk to someone?"
"I'm here now."
"For how long?"
"As long as you want me, Mac. I'm not leaving you." They both ignored the fact that he couldn't leave even if he wanted to at the moment.
"Promise me? Can you promise this won't happen again?" She was grasping at straws and knew it but she couldn't stop the question from coming out.
"You know I can't." He was silent for a moment, "I can, however, promise that I will do everything in my power to come back if it does." Mac nodded slightly, knowing that was the best she could hope for. She'd known the second she asked the question that he couldn't promise her that nothing would ever happen to him. He smiled slightly at her, letting his hand drop back across his chest and Mac suddenly realized his other was still entangled with hers. Quietly he spoke again, "You know, you're the only thing that kept me alive. If not for you I would have been long dead by the time you and Gunny and the marines showed up."
"You almost were anyways."
He could hear the pain in her voice, realizing after a moment that she was angry at herself and not him. Forcing her to meet his gaze again he spoke firmly, "But I'm not. It's not your fault, Mac; you did the best you could."
"I could have done more. Could have come after you sooner, forced them to look harder…" her voice trailed away.
"No, don't you dare think like that. Answer me honestly, would the General have let you come back any sooner? For that matter how much did he really "let" you come back? Would they, could they, have searched any harder for me?" She stared at him then reluctantly shook her head, forcing herself to acknowledge the truth of his words. "Exactly. Mac, if you believe nothing else believe me when I say it's not your fault. None of this. It's those bastards who did this to us. All the blame rests squarely at their feet and no one else's." Reluctantly she nodded in agreement. Suddenly he shot her a puzzled look, "How did you get General Cresswell to let you come after me anyway?"
For the first time since she'd entered the room Mac gave him a small smile, "I threatened to resign."
"You what?" Harm stared at her in shock. That had been the last answer he'd been expecting. Yeah, he knew she had made the comment about him doing the same for her but he had assumed she simply meant the part about coming after him. It had never crossed his mind to consider that she would actually resign her commission to do so.
"Threatened to resign. Unlike you, however, I didn't actually have to do it," he voice was lighter now, gently teasing him about his decision to come after her in Paraguay. He stared at her for a moment before gradually realizing that she really had forgiven him for his idiocy. It lightened his heart to realize that she could actually tease him about it, that maybe they really could get past their history and work towards a future.
Smiling in return he drawled, "Nice to know the General is less stubborn than the Admiral."
Laughing softly, Mac shook her head, "That I doubt. I think it had to do with the personal insult these guys offered." Processing what she had just said, her mirth fled and her eyes widened in shock. "I mean…"
Harm frowned, "Personal insult?"
"Nothing, just… I meant he took it as a personal insult that you'd been captured."
"No, Colonel, that's not what you meant. Tell me the truth."
She gazed at him sadly for a moment before answering quietly, "They took pictures. Sent them to the General."
He was silent for a long time before asking carefully, "Did you see them?"
"Yes."
"Oh God…" his head dropped slightly and he closed his eyes. Images flashed through his mind, fragmented memories of being hauled from his cell, of a man holding a camera, flashes of light, pain…
"Harm?" He heard her voice calling as if from far away. Harm struggled against the memories, clinging desperately to that voice, his lifeline. He was drowning in the memories, unaware that his eyes had snapped open and he was looking around the room wildly. He didn't see the apartment, all he could see was the prison, the fists flying at him and that infernal light flashing from the corner, blinding his too sensitive eyes. Unconsciously he let out a whimper, cringing backwards from the perceived threat. "Harm! Captain Rabb!" He heard her voice again and his mind took refuge in it, wrapping the voice around itself, slipping backwards into the blissful darkness. He drifted towards the blackness of unconsciousness, grateful for the one place that he was safe from his tormenters, the one place she still remained to him.
Dimly Harm felt something shaking him. Mac still called to him, staring in growing panic at his cringing form. His eyes were wide and wild, darting around without seeing anything. When she called to him the second time, she saw him suddenly give in, going limp and trying to curl up even more. Mac was growing desperate, nearly sobbing as she called him again, "Harm!" She wasn't entirely positive what was happening but she had a bad feeling that he was remembering. And she found she didn't want him to remember, not if this was the kind of pain he would go through in order to do so. "Harm… come on, Commander, snap out of it." She didn't notice when she reverted to his former rank, slipping automatically into a more familiar form of address.
Weakly he asked, his eyes still wild, "Mac? Sarah?"
"Harm, I'm here. It's ok. I'm here. You're safe. I'm here; you're going to be ok; everything's going to be ok. Come on, please don't leave me alone, you're safe, I need you to snap out of it." She was only vaguely aware of what she was saying, still gripping his hand with one of hers and stroking his hair softly with the other.
Gradually he calmed down, slowly becoming more alert. His gaze focused on her and he asked, his voice tinged with desperation, "Mac?"
"Yes, it's me. I'm here; you're safe." His grip tightened on her hand but she didn't say anything, just continued to pet his hair gently, waiting for him to relax. Watching him struggle to overcome the memories Mac wished furiously that she could go back and kill the bastards again for doing this to him. She wished they could be killed again, several times, as far as she was concerned a hundred deaths weren't enough. Outwardly she remained calm, continuing to murmur soothingly to Harm despite the anger raging through her. Tamping down on the anger she carefully moved closer to him, grateful that she was on his left side and the large cast on his right arm wasn't in the way. She moved slowly, unsure of how much of the real world was also part of the one in his mind and she didn't want to scare him even more. Managing to get next to him, Mac carefully wrapped her arms around him, hugging him loosely to her, whispering softly in his ear.
She was vaguely startled when his left arm wrapped around her waist, crushing her tightly against him as he gasped for breath, burying his face in her shoulder. She held him until the shuddering stopped and he breathed easily. Finally he raised his head and she was stunned at the look of utter desolation in his eyes. He stared at her for a tense moment before whispering, "Sarah?"
"Yes."
He took a shuddering breath, "You're real?" She nodded, reaching up to trace his cheekbone lightly. Taking another breath he dropped his head back to her shoulder, sitting in silence and breathing deeply. Eventually he murmured, not looking at her, "Sorry about that, I--"
"No!" She cut him off sharply then softened her voice, "No, Harm. It's not your fault, don't be sorry. Don't apologize, not for what they did to you, never for that." He nodded slightly and she could feel him relaxing against her. After a short time she murmured, still absently stroking his hair, "Are you ok?"
He nodded again, his voice muffled, "Yeah, I will be."
"I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you…"
"I thought we covered this already," he finally raised his head and looked at her, "it's not your fault either."
Mac gazed at him then finally nodded, seeing that he wasn't going to let her blame herself. "I know, but I still wish I'd been there for you."
"I don't."
"What?" She was shocked and a little hurt at the callousness of his reply.
"I don't, because if you'd been there they'd have done the same, or worse, to you. Mac, the only thing that kept me going was you, knowing that you had escaped and were safe. All that mattered was that you were safe, that they didn't have you. I don't know how I would have lived knowing you were still in their hands. I nearly died when you were captured in Paraguay; I never want that to happen to you again."
Staring into his eyes she could see the fear that haunted him. Softly she said, "Ok." He looked at her for a moment more before sighing in relief. Offering him a tentative smile Mac asked, "Are you uncomfortable?" At his puzzled look she indicated the slightly odd angle he was laying at, pressed against her side.
He smiled slightly and shrugged, "At little bit but it's worth it."
Mac stared at him for a moment then laughed softly, "You are such a guy." He flashed a grin, not as brilliant as his smiles usually were but a grin nonetheless and she finally felt herself relax. This particular crisis was over but she knew it wouldn't be the last, not for either of them. Harm shifted slightly to get more comfortable, wincing briefly at the dull pain in his ribs. Before Mac could insist he lie back down he leaned against her again, absently playing with her free hand. She looked down at him in exasperation, prepared to insist he straighten out properly but the words didn't come out. Instead she simply stared at him, taking in the peaceful look on his face as he studied her hand, his head resting comfortably against her side while her other arm was draped around his shoulders. Sighing softly she leaned back instead, moving her hand to play with his hair while she watched him.
The peaceful moment was broken by a sudden knock at the door, causing them both to jump. They exchanged confused looks before Mac's brain kicked back into gear, "Jen."
Harm nodded in understanding. Smiling down at him, Mac helped shift him back to his previous position on the bed before slipping off the bed herself. Tugging lightly on her shirt to straighten it, Mac made her way to the door. Glancing through the peephole she was relieved to see that it really was Jen. Despite knowledge that the Petty Officer was the only person with any real reason to come by tonight she had been half-afraid Clay was going to show back up.
Smiling, Mac pulled open the door, "Hi, Jen, come on in." The younger woman smiled back at her and stepped inside. Mac grinned at the wriggling puppy Jen held in her arms and reached out to take him, laughing as he simply wriggled more, clearly excited to see her. Jen smiled at the sight and moved towards the table to set down the bag containing the puppy's stuff. Mac closed the door and followed her, still cuddling Hammer, "How was he?"
"He was great, ma'am. Typical puppy, of course, but that's no problem."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, ma'am. It was no trouble, I enjoyed having him around; he's a sweetie."
Mac arched an eyebrow slightly, "Jen, please, I'm on medical leave and you've been taking care of my dog for me, can't you call me Mac for at least a little while?"
Jen smiled sheepishly, "Sorry, Mac." Mac smiled in approval and wandered over to the couch, waving for Jen to have a seat. Glancing down at the puppy in her lap Mac couldn't resist the urge to cuddle him close for just a moment, irrationally glad to have him back. Jen glanced around curiously as she sat down, "Where's Comm- Captain Rabb?"
"In the bedroom, the doctor doesn't want him sitting up too much just yet." Jen nodded in understanding. "Listen, Jen, why don't you stay for dinner?"
"Oh no, I couldn't impose, ma'am." At Mac's look she hastily corrected herself, "Mac."
"It wouldn't be an imposition, honest. Besides, I have to repay you somehow for looking after Hammer."
"Oh no, you don't owe me anything for that, really."
Mac sighed; sometimes Jen's independence really annoyed her. "Jen, I'm not going to just foist my pet off on you without some repayment."
Jen opened her mouth to protest but a glare from Mac made her realize that would be a bad idea. Instead she smiled weakly, "If you insist." There was a brief silence before Jen asked hesitantly, "How is the Captain?"
Mac smiled slightly, "Better. His injuries are healing well though he'll still be in casts for weeks. But the doctor expects a full recovery."
"And his memory?"
Mac was silent for a short time before answering, "It's coming back. He remembers more every day though there's still gaps."
Jen nodded, then lowered her voice, asking quietly, "Does he remember Mattie? She wants to come see him this weekend but I don't know how well she could handle it if he didn't remember her."
Mac studied the other woman for a moment, noting the concern. She had to admit, getting Jen to room with Mattie had definitely been one of Harm's better ideas. Mac nodded slightly, "He does though not everything. Sadly the first thing to come back was her moving back to live with her dad." Jen winced slightly and Mac hastened to add, "But he remembers more now, just not everything."
"Good, that's good. You wouldn't mind… if she came to see him?"
"Of course not. She deserves to visit him as much as anyone." Mac could see Jen relax slightly and mentally heaved a sigh, wondering if the Petty Officer would ever feel fully comfortable around her.
Jen glanced at her and asked, "And how are you doing, ma'am?"
Mac didn't bother to correct her this time just smiled and gave a one shouldered shrug, "I've definitely been better. I'll be glad when this court martial is over and Harm is back on his feet."
Jen nodded, "I understand. How's your leg?"
"Better, still hurts if I'm on it too long or do something stupid but definitely better."
"That's great." They sat in silence for a bit longer before Jen stood, "I should get going."
"Are you sure? We wouldn't mind having you stay for dinner." Mac stood also, smiling at Jen.
Jen smiled and shook her head, "I'm sure. I have some things to do tonight."
"If you insist." Mac walked her to the door then leaned against it briefly after she'd left. She hadn't taken Jen's stubbornness into account when she'd decided to take the other woman to dinner. Ah well, she'd figure it out. Still snuggling Hammer to her, Mac double checked that the door was locked before wandering back to the bedroom. She paused in the doorway and smiled at the sight of Harm twiddling his thumbs while staring at the ceiling, "Hey."
He looked down the bed at her, "Hey." Smiling he gestured to the dog, "I take it this is Hammer?"
Mac nodded and moved forward, settling next to Harm on the bed and setting the dog down. For his part Hammer glanced curiously from her to Harm before carefully making his way towards Harm's head, snuffling curiously at the new man. Mac watched in amusement as the dog gave a yip and promptly tried to bathe Harm's face with his tongue. Harm spluttered and tried futilely to push the dog away. He knew he could get the dog off him in a second but he didn't want to risk hurting the animal and so was left to flail uselessly while Mac laughed. Eventually he managed to splutter, "When you're done laughing at me could you mind getting him away from my face?"
Still chuckling Mac scooped up the puppy, who promptly began trying to squirm out of her arms, "He likes you."
Harm eyed the dog for a moment before reaching out to ruffle his ears, "I like him too, just not in my face."
Mac looked at him and he could see hesitation and worry reflected in her eyes, "Really?"
He smiled reassuringly, "Yes." Still petting the puppy he took the opportunity to inspect Hammer more closely, able to get a better look at him now that the dog wasn't trying to lick him to death. After a minute he commented softly, "He's the same color as a Tomcat on his back."
Mac nodded, answering quietly, "Yeah, he is. That's part of why I got him."
"And the other part?"
"He was way too arrogant for his own good with the other puppies," she grinned, eyes dancing with amusement.
Harm eyed her for a moment then commented with his own grin, "Well, it's a good thing I'm not like that."
Mac laughed and nodded slightly, "Of course not." She looked down at the dog in her arms. Hammer had finally calmed down and was laying quietly, his chin on her arm. Quietly she added, "He reminded me of you, I'm not completely sure why. But I saw him in the window and next thing I knew I'd bought him."
Harm was watching the play of emotions across her face carefully. Gently he reached out and petted Hammer's head before moving his hand to tilt Mac's face up. Smiling he murmured, "I'm glad. I'm glad you had something, well… someone I guess, here with you when I couldn't be. And I have to admit, he is pretty cute."
"He is, isn't he?" It took Harm a moment to realize she was looking at him and not the dog. When he did, he smiled up at her, blue eyes twinkling but he didn't call her on it, content to just sit with her and the dog.