After:

"Forget particle fountains and subspace inversions. There isn't an anomaly scarier than a thunderstorm on the plains, especially when you're six years old. I remember watching a bolt of lightning split an oak tree in my grandfather's yard. I climbed it just a few hours before!"

If he had to say anything, it would be that these were the moments over the years, in which he got to know that formidable woman who he met for the first time today. It's a good thing they had them because he didn't think that she would have ever put her doubts aside, if he didn't demonstrate how well he knew her. The only way that he could have done that, was if he had interacted with her as frequently and as intimately as Captain and First Officer and as friends. Moments like these defined and built their friendship into what it was and enhanced their working relationship. As he had that thought, he resolved then and there to stop slipping off into the past or the future and enjoy this present evening with her, he resolved to no longer let this moment slip away from him because he wasn't fully present to her.

"Good timing." He said rooting himself firmly with her in this present state.

"So...what would've happened if you hadn't turned our deflector dish into a lightning rod?"

Chakotay smiled. She wouldn't be Kathryn Janeway if she didn't keep trying. "We've been down this road before."

"Have we?"

"You, wanting answers to questions you shouldn't ask."

"But something did happen outside the normal space-time continuum." She continued prying, but he was silent.

Kathryn reflected a bit "It's strange thinking there's a piece of your life you don't know anything about."

"Sounds a lot like the future." Just to put it into perspective for her.

"Any predictions?"

He refilled her cider glass "Only that in a few minutes, this bottle will be empty."

Her look was one of someone who had a secret they were dying to share. "Then maybe you should go to the Cargo Bay and grab another one."

He looked at her dumbfounded "How do you know that's where I keep it?"

Kathryn decided that turnabout was fair play "Oh, I can't tell you."

"Why not?"

"Temporal Prime Directive."

And she laughed, it was joyous and carefree and his smile was large. Neither one missed it. He got up.

"I'll get the other bottle."

"I'll be here waiting."

And he was off.

It bothered her that he wouldn't tell her what had happened, she couldn't say anything else or it would be a lie. It bothered her that he wouldn't talk about what had happened that night. She knew that rightfully he shouldn't tell her, but she wanted to know, especially since he kept piquing her curiosity throughout the whole of dinner. Didn't he realize how perceptive she was? All during dinner, he kept talking about the crew, especially the senior officers and how much they had changed throughout the whole journey. He had been in Voyager's past and she knew it by his words and actions. He thought he was carefully hiding the truth, but all he was doing was revealing it. Did he forget that she was his best friend; that they had been through so much together that she could practically read him like a book, and in the same way so could he?

And that's why you have to be careful.

Extremely so. She couldn't run from the truth anymore and it was all she could do to hide it, but she had fallen in love with him all over again. Whatever happened to the resolve that she had in their third and fourth year they were stranded in the Delta Quadrant? What happened to those barriers that she had built so strong that they withstood anything that the quadrant and they themselves had thrown at it? The barriers of command and of protocols that saw all the pit falls of getting involved with a member of her crew even though she was far away from Starfleet, and especially because of it?

This crazy mission that's what. She thought that she was as close as she would ever be to her crew members, her senior staff and to him, but as time went on, she found herself getting closer and she knew in her heart of hears, that it was time to start defining parameters for herself. She was not a silly school girl, she and Chakotay spent a lot of time together and they depended on each other, they were all that they had out here, so it made sense that the feelings would rear their ugly head again. What was not making sense was her refusal to define those parameters and the fact that she kept sabotaging that process by saying things to him. The words just seemed to come right out of her mouth. Thank God that in this area, the Commander was not picking up any clues. Kathryn had no idea why. He always seemed to pick it up before. Maybe there was somebody else. But Kathryn didn't think so, and she also believed that he wouldn't want to get involved with someone who was underneath him also, especially after Seska. Maybe he was deliberately misreading her signals because he was not interested and didn't want to find himself in a sticky situation. Or maybe he was just clueless, and if that was the case, then it was best that Kathryn didn't enlighten him, deal with this herself, and move on.

But she didn't want to.

The doors opened.

"Back so soon."

"Didn't want you to finish off the remainder in that bottle." He replied.

She held up the empty bottle and grinned. "Too late."

He smiled as he opened the new one and poured himself a glass. He seemed to be debating something.

Kathryn could stand it no longer. "You went back into Voyager's past didn't you?"

He face was the picture of shock and surprise. He didn't even bother to deny it. "How did you know?"

"You been talking about it and thinking about it all night. In a way that I wasn't supposed to pick up on of course, but you didn't account for…."

"Your insatiable curiosity?." He finished for her.

She smiled and wagged her finger at him as if to caution him. "No, Commander, our friendship."

She was silent as she took a sip of her beverage, while he looked at her and then past her, and back to her again.

"It seems that I'm always underestimating how well you know me." He said quietly.

She wished that she could say the same, but given the fact that he seemed oblivious of her feelings towards him, she was glad that all she could do at that moment was keep quiet.

He sighed as he studied her. "Kathryn why did you ask me to join you seven years ago, why not just put all of us in the Brig for the rest of the journey."

Her face was neutral as she replied. "I needed replacement crew. You know the encounter with the highest fatality in this whole quadrant occurred when the caretaker brought us halfway across the galaxy in the blink of an eye. And I guess that it was better to put you to work for your supper than for you to be a drain on the ship's resources."

There was no laughter between them, not even the hint of a smile. It was as if they both felt the weight of the weight of conversation that was before them, but they each assumed the ensuing conversation would be grave for different reasons.

Chakotay assumed it was because Kathryn sensed that he was going to ask her something about Voyager's past experiences that had always bothered him and something that he had always wanted to know about. Being back in Voyager's past and seeing how they were then and now, he felt that they had come to a place where they trusted and respected each other enough to answer the questions truthfully about merging the crews and not worry about repercussions.

Kathryn was somber because she knew what she had been thinking about before was affecting everything that she was saying.. She was hoping desperately to keep her feelings out of this serious conversation. She thought it was because of the fact that Chakotay had gone to Voyager's past, he was thinking of how they were before and why she had made the decisions that she did in the past about not initiating an intimate relationship between them. She thought that he wanted to better understand her motivations for upholding that particular protocol.

They both misread each other.

Kathryn continued. "But looking back, I think that there was always something in you that I trusted from the moment I first met you."

Chakotay looked at her puzzled. He hadn't expected to hear that.

"What was it?"

"Little things," Kathryn said taking a sip of her ale, she looked past Chakotay and fixed her gaze on the table in front of her.

"The way you handled yourself when you realized that Tuvok was a spy and the way you gave up everything so that we could be safe, even your ship. What made you do that?" Kathryn shifted her gaze back to him.

"I don't know. You told me to hold them off, and so I did, to the best of my ability."

"It seemed that you have always given me your best for as long as we've been together."

"Yes I have." Chakotay said it softly as he realized that she was speaking truth.

"It's ironic, that it still was one of our biggest barriers to cross during the development of this friendship; our trusting of each other."

"The building blocks were there, we just had to redo the foundation a couple of times." His eyes twinkled and there was a small smile on his part. It lightened up the mood just enough for her to relax a bit. So she was totally unprepared when he asked his next question.

"Kathryn, do you remember when we were on New Earth and we had developed feelings for each other and when we came back we decided that it was best for Command that we remain friends, have you ever thought of what might have been?"

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMTM

Explosions from Borg attacks through penetrated shields have had less of an effect than his question had on Kathryn right now. It took everything Kathryn had, everything to keep the shock, confusion and truth most of all off her face, because she knew once he saw it, everything would be in a state of flux and she knew that she was not ready to face this with him yet, not by a long shot.

Chakotay gauged the reaction on Kathryn's face and he saw her go blank, but she neither ran from the question nor from him when he had asked her. And she seemed to be thinking seriously about it right now.

Kathryn on the other hand felt she deserved a medal for keeping her command face on when he uttered that question.

How the hell was she supposed to answer that?

With the truth: I never wondered before this year, and now I can't stop wondering, and right here and right now, the way we are, talking laughing, missing each other, I'm beginning to regret not saying to hell with it. And I know without a doubt tomorrow it will be the other way around.

With a lie: No, I have never thought about it.

Maybe with something in-between:

"It's come to my mind once or twice, but Chakotay given what we are and who we are right now, I wouldn't trade this friendship or my best friend for anything."

Chakotay had been sitting on the lounger, but he got up and sat on the table and he took her hand and looked into her eyes. Kathryn was going for another award with the performance that she was giving when he did that.

"Neither would I, and that's why I don't want to take the chance and jeopardize the past that has made us who we are by telling you something that you really shouldn't know. But if you were able to go back to the past and change that and possibly do it over again knowing what you know now, would you have initiated something?"

What the hell was wrong with this man?

Maybe she should insist that he go down to sickbay. How in the name of common sense was she going to answer that one?

Kathryn was a woman of science and principles, not one who believed in deities, but given what she was confronted with now, she began praying…………….to anyone and anything that would listen to get her through this.

"Chakotay, what happened to you in the past, and I don't mean the actual experience, that is making you ask these questions?"

Chakotay let her hand go and leaned back on his hands. He was pensive and it took the focus off of Kathryn for a while.

Thank you. She said to………………..whoever

"I guess I'm just reveling in the fact that as my Captain and my best friend, I can ask you these questions and not worry about hurting you with an honest answer. The past is behind us now, but it has shaped the future, and I guess I just I'm trying to understand it a little better so that I don't lose the friendship that we have here."

"That's my line." This time Kathryn smiled as the pain lessoned, because no matter what, that was one of the reasons that even if they weren't stuck on the only Federation ship in the Delta Quadrant, she would think twice about initiating a relationship with him,….she didn't want to lose the friendship.

"I'm the one who normally is looking to analyze something to death instead of just accepting it. And you're the one who always reminds me to look at everything as gift and to live life giving thanks for the fact that it is there and I have grown from that gift that is our friendship."

Chakotay looked down and blushed at that. And suddenly he looked up.

"I know that it has been hard on you, losing Mark because of this journey and I know that the 'Command Protocol' has made for some long nights in the Delta Quadrant."

Oh Lord, will he ever stop!

He did not. "I know that when I told you the story of the Angry Warrior, it was with a promise that however things evolved between us romantically, I would always be with you. I want you to know that it still stands even though I know there are no romantic feelings between us anymore. …."

Don't hit him, whatever you do NOT HIT HIM, although you dearly want to slap him upside the head.

"Whatever I can do to make your burden lighter….." He continued.

"You have already done, are doing and will continue to do." She answered for him

Except stop killing me softly with your words. She added silently.

His smile was large and Kathryn let out a deep breath, some how she knew the worst was over.

He got serious again, "If I never get a chance to say this Captain, let me do so now. I can't imagine my life and this journey without you and I am glad that you did decide to ask us to join your crew. I don't think that anything else in my life will compare to serving as your first officer on this mission. What we have seen in seven years, is more than Starfleet has seen in seventy….." his voice trailed off and it underscored the wonder that he felt as he was lost in the memories.

He pulled her in right along with him, "Maybe…."She began lost in her own world, "But we both know that it's the people more than the phenomena that have made journey what it is, that is if the senior staff is any indication.

Chakotay turned to her suddenly and snapped out of his revere…….

Then:

"It's not 'what,' it's 'who.' People like Seven of Nine, a Borg Drone who'll become a member of this crew after you help her recover her humanity. Or Tom Paris, a former convict who'll be our pilot, chief medic, and husband to B'Elanna Torres." Chakotay explained forcibly. He had to let her know the impact that she would have on so many lives, especially one…..especially his.

"That angry woman I just met?" Kathryn asked in wonder

"She's going to be your Chief Engineer. Two crews…Maquis and Starfleet….are going to become one. And they'll make as big a mark on the Delta Quadrant as it'll make on them. By protecting people like the Ocampans, curing diseases, encouraging peace. Children like Naomi and Icheb are going to grow up on this ship and call it home. And we'll all be following a Captain who sets a course for Earth and never stops believing that we'll get there."

Now:

His smile was the widest that she had ever seen on his face and it prompted the thought,

'What happened to him tonight!'

But she knew better than to ask.

"Well on that note, I think I'll say goodnight." She got up to leave.

As was customary of late, he put his hand on her face to signal his goodbye. What was not customary of late was what she felt when he did that.

Kathryn held herself rigid through everything, his touch, her heart pounding, her body reacting and her desire to scream. She forced a smile on her face. How could he not notice? She looked at him closely, he was there looking at her, but still looking back.

"Good-night my best friend."

"Good night Chakotay." Her smile was soft and it was genuine, and thankfully it hid her true feelings.

She turned to leave. As she reached the door she spied something.

"Chakotay, do you want the rest of this?"

"Nah, enjoy it." she gave him a quick smile and left.

She waited until she was in her quarters next door and then Kathryn counted to five before exhaling and letting all the emotions that she had been kept bottled up during their conversation fly across her face. She was shy, she was angry, she was touched and she was hurt and she was amazed that all these emotions were present that night. What happened seemed not only to affect him, but to affect her as well. The other thing she realized is that towards the end, she actually stopped obsessing over what had happened that night that she didn't know about and started obsessing with what was going on with her. She sighed and poured herself another drink of ale. She took a sip and put the glass down and picked up the empty bottle that they had consumed before the other one was opened. She had meant to put it to recycle, but as she walked to the replicator, she was struck with a sudden urge and she threw it across the room. It shattered. She didn't know why but she felt much better when it did.

In two seconds the chime sounded.

'So much for sound proof walls.' She mused. She started laughing.

"Come in." She said through her giggles.

Of course it was he, with a concerned look on his face. "Kathryn, everything all right?"

"Yes, I tripped over my replicator and I'm afraid that the empty bottle brought it."

It was the first time that she had lied to Chakotay and she made a vow for it to be the last time.

"I guess, I should assemble this jigsaw."

"Nah, leave it a mess to tomorrow and then let Engineering solve it. Or try it yourself in the morning, you'll have a fresh start and a fresh perspective to the problem and will come up with a way to solve it."

"You sure about that?" He was puzzled. The way she said it, he didn't think that she was talking about the replicator.

"You always do." He answered and her smile was quirky as she regarded the replicator pieces.

"That I do." She said finally and he noted the look of resolution on her face

He left, and stopped short in the corridor. Something had gone on tonight that he didn't know about as surely as she didn't know about his experiences in the past. His brain was needling him, because he was sure that the answer was right in front of him, but it eluded him. But then again, tomorrow was another day in the Delta Quadrant, perhaps when awoke afresh the answer would come to him.

The End:

Part 24: The Book of My Life.

TM: The expression Review Boy's making in his reviews ( Thanks Jim for all the laughs you've given me over the seven years that we Trekked through the stars with the Auburn-Haired Java Queen.