Chapter 7: New Revelations
Shit. He said to himself, how're you going to pull yourself out of this Potter?
James had dreamed of taking her up here for so long, that he had done it as Amos and he was almost waiting to wake up lying in his bed any minute during the silence that passed moments ago. He wanted to break his promise to Remus and Sirius about keeping his identity a secret because now that she was here with him, he wanted to tell her everything. He just wanted to the truth to come out so he wouldn't have to hide anymore. When he looked at her, her eyes seemed to beg for him to tell her that he cared for her in some way. It took him a moment longer to recover from the rush of emotion he got from that one look. He did care for her, more than ever, and he couldn't even tell her. With a deep breath, he decided to reply neutral.
"No, it isn't a date. I wanted to learn about the constantations, remember?"
"Constellations," Lily automatically corrected in the softest voice as her heart broke. She was hoping that she would finally have someone to care for her as much as she had come to care for him this past week.
"So before you take your position as my tutor, I want you to tell me about this thing you have for James Potter," James said before Lily could do anything about it.
She opened her mouth to speak, then closed it, then opened it again, but then closed it.
"You like him that much, eh?" he laughed slightly. Was she really speechless? Or did she just have so much to say about him that she didn't know where to start. All of a sudden…
"Well for starters, he's an arrogant pig. He thinks that he knows everything, when he apparently doesn't even know how to be humane. I mean, seriously! He picks on the hopeless and he laughs at their faces while they're tortured! It's completely uncivilized! And then he has the nerve to compete with me in class when he doesn't even spend as much time in the library as I do! And it's completely immoral how sexually active he is! It's like he's a manwhore!" Lily exclaimed in one breath.
"A what whore?" James blinked rapidly. No one had ever called him that before; nonetheless Lily!
"You know. Well anyway, all these girls getting deflowered here and there as if it was nothing! They're all willing! It's terrible, I would never give myself up that easily. Especially to James Potter! His reputation is horrible!"
"Horrible?"
"Well, not horrible exactly. Everyone does love him because of his good looks."
"Good looks?" did she like him for that?
"Yes, well he is nicely built. Oh! Why does that matter, though. He's still a terrible person."
"Terrible! Have you even talked to the boy, Lily?" James was surprised that she was so opinionated about him when she refused to talk to him. Not that they were all good opinions, but at least she was talking about him.
"I haven't spoken to him, well other than bantering and one other time before he left, but I hear things from other girls. Those Marauder boys are trouble, I say." She nodded her head to confirm to herself that all she was saying was true.
"I think you like him," James said bluntly. It was a chance he would take. She did turn pink the last time that he said it. Maybe her emotion might flow somewhere positive this time.
"Why do you keep saying that?" she looked up at Amos with accusing eyes.
"You always bring him up in all the conversations we have, even though most of the time it's negative. Still, you bring him up. And you compare him with me…a lot," he pointed out, finding that he was actually telling the truth.
"It's not my fault you remind me of him," she said under her breath. He heard.
"So what things do I do that remind you of him?"
"Plenty," she answered.
"Come on, I know you can to better than that." He ran his hands through his hair, frustrated that she wasn't answering him.
"Well it's not exactly everything you do. It's just the little things that you do, that lead to other things that lead to me thinking about Potter."
"Keep going…" he prodded.
She sighed and laid flat on her stomach, which was doing flip-flops at the thought of James Potter. She inhaled deeply thinking of all the reasons Amos had reminded her of James and she opened her mouth to speak, but for a tiny instant, she paused. James' face shone fresh in her mind, and she felt her heart surprisingly clench with longing to see him again. But why! Why did she feel like this? About him! It was James! He made her miserable! And she was completely obsessed with Amos, wasn't she? So why did she keep thinking of Potter? At least Amos was a kind guy all around, while James was kind and evil at the same time! It didn't make any sense.
"James has always been popular at the school," she started off, "and I've known him for quite awhile. I was actually forced to know him because we've had plenty of classes together every year and he was always following me around. His done some pretty nasty things to people, yet he gets off the hook for some reason. I was head over heels infatuated with him, until he pranked me for the first time and I was mad. I think I've been holding a grudge against him ever since and whenever he does things to other people, I understand their suffering and I want to jinx him," She stopped and looked up at Amos to see if he was even listening. He was.
"What does this have to do with me being like James," he asked.
"It… doesn't…" she nearly whispered as something dawned on her. Her eyes widened as the thought presented itself with complete obviousness. She sat up, aghast at her own mind.
"What?" James quirked an eyebrow. Lily was drifting subjects, which was quite unlike her.
"Truthfully," she said, regaining her composure and looking him directly in the eyes, "I haven't been thinking you are James Potter; I've been wishing you were James Potter."
It took a long while before James could even think to start breathing again. Her bluntness completely knocked his senses out because it was the last thing he expected to hear from her mouth. For quite sometime, he stared at her. He was almost waiting for her to suddenly burst out laughing and tease him for his shocked face, to tell him that it was all a joke, and to break his heart yet again.
"You've been wishing," he repeated, "that I was James Potter."
She nodded silently, now tucking her knees to her chest. Amos brought up a really good point. Lily had been thinking about James a lot. She did talk about him a lot as well, subconsciously of course. In fact, she thought about him every night before she went to bed and said a prayer for him to be kept safe. There was still no word of him and she was terribly worried. She hadn't known why before, but now she knew. She cared about him. She cared about the only person who could drive her completely crazy. She did like him! How! How did she come to this realization within two weeks without him? As if he was reading her mind, Amos spoke up.
"You do like him, don't you," James' heart was throbbing against his ribcage and waiting for her response seemed to take a lifetime.
"No," Lily whispered trying to deny every emotion.
"You lie. I can see it in your eyes. You're cheeks are flushed and you're trembling."
"No! …Yes! NO! UGH! Damn IT! I like him! I actually care about him!" Lily moaned in frustration.
James nearly died of a heart attack.
"Wh—wh—wh—why?" he managed to grab a breath after remembering he needed to breath to stay alive and hear Lily's next words.
"I don't know why," she said miserably, "I don't know! It's so wrong of me to like him! It has to be a sin somewhere! I've taken advantage of his kindness towards me and I miss him. I have no idea where he is and it scares the hell out of me. I don't know where he is! Although he's a prankster, he makes up for it in brains. He's intelligent, I'll admit. But to not have him by me is completely awkward. He's always been by me since our first year. Whether he's trying to annoy me or seduce me!" she laughed slightly.
"It's the little things that draw him to me, I guess, but I never wanted to see it. I didn't want to become a Marauder groupie like all of the other Hogwarts girls. I just didn't want to admit it. I like the way he smiles when he answers before me in class, I like the way he asks me out in a whisper despite his known confidence, I like the way his bravery shines through him and affects everyone whom he surrounds. It's funny that he's so known for his bad side, but it's even sweeter when he treats everyone with respect, especially Dumbledore. The kid would die for Dumbledore! And he's so loyal to his friends, he's so protective of me…" Lily cut herself off when she noticed tears were welling in her eyes. But she refused to let them roll down her cheek.
James sat absolutely still, as if one movement could shatter the tender moment forever and it would be lost in the abyss of façade and lies. Here she was a mere two feet away from him, confessing her hidden love for him and he heard everything. He smiled to himself, knowing that he had accomplished his mission. Though, he didn't do much work as Amos since Lily came to realize she liked James all on her own.
"You know," Lily began again, "I did use to like you. All of last year I would have given anything to have you look or speak to me. Now that I've gotten a chance to do that, I'm torn between you and James. Your personality is so loveable, your charm, your eloquence and just you are made perfect. Well, not perfect, but close enough to it. When I'm with you, there's nothing else I can think about but you. But when we're not together, my thoughts always shift back to James. I just miss him, Amos! And if he's gone, I won't have even gotten the chance to tell him that I do care for him as much as he cares for me."
"I don't think that's possible," James said, finally finding his voice.
"What do you mean?"
"You can never care for him as much as he cares for you, because he loves you." He whispered.
Lily looked up at him in confusion.
"Love? You would know that…how?"
"Boys talk as much as girls."
"But he doesn't love me. He just has a bloody crush. He just wants me to like him because he thinks I'm the only girl that doesn't."
James felt the sudden urge to prove her wrong. So, without further ado, he leant forward and gently captured her mouth with a gentle kiss. It was the sweetest thing. She had obviously never been kissed before and James prided himself on the fact that he was her first. The contact he had dreamed of for so long sent shocks to his heart, but she suddenly pulled away just as he was about to probe further.
She looked surprised and fearful at the same time and was breathing rather fast. Amos Diggory had just kissed her in the Astronomy Tower.
"I have to go," she breathed and ran down the flight of steps before Amos could even open his mouth to ask why.
When James heard her close the door, he cursed himself over and over for making the stupidest mistake of his life. But she was practically begging for that kiss! How could anyone expect her to say something like that to him, without doing anything about it! He had to admit, though, he didn't regret it completely.
She ran all the way to the Heads' Quarters slammed her door behind her and leant back against it. Lily wanted to hide, but she didn't know why or from what. She had been waiting for this moment for forever and yet, she was unsatisfied. The second his lips touched her, James' face came racing through her mind, once again. She couldn't kiss Amos like that and it pained her to pull away because she wanted it badly. On the other hand, she was confused by the timing of his kiss! She had just realized she liked James Potter, her sworn enemy, and told Amos everything about it and he responds by kissing her!
"What is that suppose to mean!" she muttered lying down on her bed, her head throbbing and lips tingling. Amos or James, Amos or James, Amos or James her mind spiraled with thoughts. It would make more sense for her to like Amos! After all, he did actually have a better reputation and personality than Potter. But James had always been there her whole life and she couldn't deny that she had feelings for him for some reason.
She couldn't fall asleep, so she got up and paced around the Common Room. Then, an idea popped into her head and she stared at James' door. Maybe there was a clue as to where he was in there. She wanted to find him. She wanted to make sure that she really liked him.
"Maybe I think that I like Potter, but I don't. Maybe I just miss him. Maybe…" Lily trailed off and realized she was talking to herself again. She decided that she wouldn't go into James' room just yet. Looking out of the window between the Head Boy and Girl's room, she saw the vast Forbidden Forest. Could it be possible, he was stupid enough to go in there? But why would he go in there when he was suppose to be with his mother and father? Maybe he got kidnapped?
"Lily don't be stupid!" she scolded herself. Who would kidnap James Potter? Who could capture James Potter? He was the one step under Dumbledore in wizarding skill. Then Lily though about the only person who could do it.
Voldemort.
She shuddered. Of course, James wouldn't be kidnapped by Voldemort, but it would be more logical for James to go after Voldemort. After all, his parents were severely injured on account of looking for He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named. Maybe James wanted revenge? Maybe James was looking for him in the Forest. These thought were irrational, she knew, but still there was that slight chance that it might be true. After all, Dumbledore did mention to her and James that Voldemort had allies in the Forbidden Forest. There was no harm in searching for a little while.
"This is stupid. I'm going to get killed out there!" she muttered to herself as she threw on her cloak and grabbed her wand and lantern. If James was in trouble, she would never forgive herself if she didn't do anything to help him. He hadn't been received at home yet, as Adelaide daily-reminded Dumbledore. It made sense that James would be looking for Voldemort. But what didn't make sense what that Lily's instincts were telling her not to go, and yet she was already out the door.
James was still in the Astronomy Tower, cursing himself to hell when he saw a fleeting figure cross the field. He squinted as realized he was stupid since there was a telescope right next to him. He looked into the lens and followed the cloaked figure. Who would be up this late? It was already past dinner, he knew that much since the Great Hall lamps were dimmed. Everyone should be in his or her dorms by now. Then he noticed the direction the person was walking in: straight into the Forbidden Forrest. Whoever it was, shouldn't even be out of the castle, nonetheless walking into the Forbidden Forrest. Who was that?
James decided to go check it out for himself, threw on his cloak, and pocketed his wand. Jogging down the staircase, he remembered Dumbledore telling him and Lily that Voldemort has allies in the Forbidden Forrest. What if one of the Hogwarts student's was a Death Eater? It would be that Lucius Malfoy kid. The stupid Slytherin favored Mudbloods and yet was hypocritical enough to be slobbering over Lily. What if that was him? James walked fast enough to catch up to the figure with his wand clutched in his hand. He stayed back far enough so that the person wouldn't know he was following.
Lily slowed down a little. It was dark and she felt like someone was following her. She stopped. There were no footsteps; well at least she heard none. She dropped her hood to make sure she listened carefully enough.
James held in a gasp when the person's hood dropped, revealing long auburn hair that could only belong to Lily. What was she doing here! Surely, she wasn't a Death Eater! She was a Gryffindor! James was breathing heavily now, his heart slamming against his ribs as he held himself back from shaking her by the arms and demanding to know what the hell was going on.
But he didn't even have the time to call out her name because as dark as the night was, it got darker all of a sudden. He heard Lily squeak in terror when a cold chill swept through the forest and rustled the trees.
"Lossssssssst little girl?" a cold voice called from the darkness.
Lily whirled around and around trying to figure out which direction it was coming from. Her heart was beating furiously from fear and she had a lump in her throat that was preventing her from screaming for help.
"It'ssss not ssssafe for sssstudentsssss to be alone in the foresssst," the voice hissed again, this time closer.
"Who are you?" she demanded, trying to sound strong though her eyes were watery with unshed tears.
James was rooted in his spot behind the tree listening to everything. He decided he wouldn't show himself until the right time. When Voldemort would make his move, he would move in.
"Join me, Evansss," the voice was now above her and Lily felt the goose bumps rise all over her body.
The wind blew like ice, moving the clouds away from the moon, which revealed a cloaked devil with dark, hollow eyes, grim reapers hands and a twisted smile. Lily shivered and tried to reach for her wand, but she could move.
"Join me," he demanded again.
"No," she whispered, "No! Never!"
"Then die, mudblood!" Voldemort drew his wand cackling insanely.
"CRUCIO!" a voice boomed from behind Lily. Voldemort cried out as he landed on the ground with a thump and squirmed in the dirt. James yelled out every pain-inducing spell he knew one after the other, never giving Voldemort a chance to get up. The spells shot from his wands like red lasers, mercilessly stabbing Voldemort.
Lily turned to see who it was and came face to face with Amos Diggory. How had he found her? Well whatever the case, she was grateful he was here. She would have died.
"Avada…" Voldemort began as he twitched violently.
"Expelliarmus!" Lily screamed, picked up his wands and broke it in two pieces.
"NO!" Voldemort yelled.
James ran to Lily and grabbed her around the shoulders in the tightest hug, planting kisses on top of her head.
"Are you alright?" he whispered.
"Now, yes." She buried her face into his chest where she felt the safest and protected.
"Filthy Gryffindors! Your time will come!" Voldemort moaned as he sank in the ground and all that was left was his cloak.
"Where did he go?" Lily turned slightly to look up at Amos.
"He probably Apparated," James looked at the empty cloak, "But he'll be back. After all you did break his wand." He tried to joke, but Lily trembled with known fear that he would be back for her.
"We have to go back. We have to tell Dumbledore what happened. I can't believe he was here and didn't attack the school."
"He still needs followers, you heard him."
"He said, 'Filthy Gryffindors'," Lily said releasing herself from his arms, "You're in Hufflepuff. Why didn't he call out your house?"
"I don't know," James lied. In truth, he knew that Voldemort sensed his essence. There was no hiding from him.
"How are you so powerful?" Lily continued her interrogation. Something wasn't right.
"I've been practicing over the summer," he lied, "Come on, let's go back."
"I have to tell Dumbledore," she said as they crossed the field.
"No," James said forcefully, "You are going to your room so I know that nothing will happen to you. You'll be safe there. I'll tell Dumbledore."
"Stop treating me like a child. It's not like I'm not going to be safe with Dumbledore!" Lily countered.
"I'm taking you to your room. And if I have to, I will put a spell on the lock to make sure you can't get out," James was capable of such things.
"You can't do that!" she protested.
"Try me!" he challenged.
She shut up and walked to her room. James followed closely behind her to make sure that she stayed in her room and didn't sneak out when he left. When he heard her locked the door, he turned in the direction of Dumbledore's office and started to walk.
Unfortunately, a hand shot out and grabbed him, shoving him against the wall. James felt for his wand, but stopped when he heard his abductor's voice.
"Prongs, you are deep shit if you don't fess up to what you've been up to!" Sirius threatened.
James had no choice but to tell both Sirius and Remus everything in the Boys' Dormitory. He completely forgot to tell Dumbledore what happened that night.
Meanwhile, in the Common Room, Lily broke down crying. Everything was so messed up! She hated being cooped up alone in this stupid Heads' Quarter with no one but herself. And tonight she almost died! If it weren't for Amos, she would probably be a Death Eater tonight, or killed!
"Oh, Merlin!" she cried out. She went out to look for James, and instead almost got killed, "James." She whispered sitting up straight remembering that he was the reason she even went out there. Obviously the Forbidden Forrest was the stupidest idea, but looking in his room would be much safer and she was sure to find something there. It was his home away from home.
She pushed open the heavy oak door and flipped on the lights to reveal a surprisingly tidy room. There were photos of his mother and father on his desk, his grandmother and him, and there was one of Lily. She was smiling and waving and Lily wondered where the photo was from. It was recent, she knew that much. Normally, she would have been angry that he kept a photo of her on his desk, but now that she understood what it felt like to actually care for someone, she wished she had a picture of him. She missed those warm, hazel eyes that no one in the world had but him. Shifting through his books, there were no letters of any sort that were helpful to her. Finally, she gave up and sat on his bed, exhausted. She attempted to lie across it to stretch, but her back hit something solid. She looked down at the bed, and there was nothing there.
So she thought.
When she brought her hand down to test it again, she hit something hard. Her hand was at least a foot off the bed in the air! What was going on!
Lily scrunched her eyes in concentration, and held her breath when she discovered she felt fabric. It was silky and she took a handful of it and pulled it back.
She screamed so piercing that James' pet owl squawked with despair.
Lily couldn't breathe, she couldn't blink, she couldn't move.
For there, lying on James' bed was Amos Diggory.