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Chapter 12: One Last Chance
Though she felt composed after leaving the scene with Sirius' hand at her elbow and James next to her, she started shivering and felt short of breath. She broke off Sirius hold and stood as still as she could as sobs began to break through.
The boys stopped immediately and James stood back while Sirius comforted her.
"Why is it always me?" Lily whispered to him while he rubbed her shoulders.
"You'll be alright, baby. I'm here for you now and I'm not going to leave. I promise," Sirius swore.
Lily hugged him tight. She was glad to have someone, a part of her family, that swore to protect her. She had missed Sirius in his absence, but as he promised, he was making up for lost time.
"I'll be here, too," James said in a soft voice.
Lily had almost forgotten he was there. He was so quiet. Maybe it was the shock of seeing her in that state, or maybe he just didn't know what to say. What could you say in situations like this?
"Thank you, Amos."
James flinched a little.
"I want to go to my room," Lily said to Sirius.
"Yeah, of course. You want me to take you?"
"No…I want Amos to take me. I'll be fine. I just need to talk to him about something," Lily cast her eyes to the floor so Sirius would read her thoughts.
But he already knew.
Giving James a warning glance, he hugged Lily one last time and then walked off slowly. He turned around once, shook his head and shoved his hands in his pockets.
James looked at Lily. Her eyes were still on the floor and she wrung her hands nervously. Unable to control himself, he walked to her and took her hands in his. They went limp.
"I'm sorry I put you through this, you shouldn't have gotten involved," Lily said. However, for some reason, she felt like she was speaking to James when she wasn't look at him.
"If I didn't get involved, you would have deprived me of one more reason to want to kill Malfoy," he said. She smiled at that.
"And," he added, "You would be crying on Sirius, rather than on me. I don't think I could be dismissed so easily."
Laughter held in her eyes and she laughed softly. She turned her eyes up to him, half expecting to see James' face, but was appallingly disappointed (for once) to see Amos smiling at her. She took a deep breath and crossed her arms to stop shivering.
When was he going to confess? Does he even plan to? Even now, when I need him the most? You would think guys would be smart enough to…courteous enough to let a girl know who is comforting her! Come on, James. Show yourself before I force you to! She begged.
He put his hand at the small of her back and guided her to her room. The whole walk was uncomfortably silent and Lily had been praying the potion would wear off right in front of her so she could finally see James. It had been so long, and he was right there with his hand at her back.
"Lock the door, Lil," he murmured against her ear when he hugged her. He pulled back and walked towards the hall.
"Wait!" Lily called out.
He turned to look at her. Suddenly, he felt like a fool for thinking he should leave her after all that had happened. Of course she didn't want to be alone! But it wasn't safe for him to be with her alone. He couldn't think of anything but one way to pass the time, and obviously, she would hate him for it.
"Please. Will you stay?" The words coming out of Lily's mouth were forced. She didn't want him to stay. She wanted him to go far away from her, where she couldn't hurt him.
Go James, don't be stupid.
Lily was doing battle with herself. Her mouth was moving of its own accord, pleading with him to stay. She wanted revenge didn't she? Tonight was perfect. He was sensitive to her vulnerability.
Yet, she didn't want to hurt him at the same time. Sure, it would be deserved revenge, but she didn't have to do it this way. It didn't have to be tonight. She could think of a different form of revenge, something that wouldn't scar him for life, but would bring him temporary pain.
James watched her mouth ask him to stay and her eyes pleading with his. Did she know what she was asking? Did she want him to stay or leave, because it was apparent her mouth and eyes were saying two different things!
"Are you sure you want me to stay?" he watched her eyes this time. They also told what someone really felt.
God! She thought as she wrung her hands. James! Tell me who you are already!
She cleared her throat and nodded.
The next few moments were a blur, because it all happened so fast. He had said something, but she didn't hear it as he came to her door and locked it behind them.
When they finally settled and Lily didn't feel as if she was spinning, she realized James had tucked a blanket around them and he held her in front of the fireplace.
How she ended up against his chest, she didn't even know, but he was so warm that she snuggled closer. Though, she wasn't half as comfortable as she thought she would be because Amos had a bony chest and bony shoulders. It hurt to lean against him too much.
After she had allowed her nerves to calm and feel sated by the warm of the fire, blanket, and Amos/James, she found her voice.
"How did you find me?" she asked him without looking at him. She found that she liked it better when she didn't have to look at him. Instead, she closed her eyes and imagined James.
Damn it, Lily! He's here now. He's put you through so much pain! Now is the perfect time to take advantage. Don't give in—fight your feelings and ruin him. He deserves it after he humiliated you like that!
She opened her eyes and stared at the fire. Now was the perfect time. She could break his spirit now.
"Sirius and I heard you screaming from upstairs."
"How? The Gryffindor Dorms are up there. Why were you there past 9?" she looked at him, forcing him to look at her face and lie.
But he didn't. He looked away.
"I needed to grab a book I left there when he cut my hair. I didn't need it until tonight. Homework isn't usually assigned out of the book for Professor Ingle."
Lily looked back at the fire and thought hard.
Do it now, Lily!
NO! Let him go. Do it some other time.
Don't be ridiculous—he asked for this!!
Battling with herself caused Lily to sigh.
"You okay?" he asked.
NO!
"Stupid question," he said to himself.
Lily shut her eyes tight and resolved her inner battle with a compromise. She would ask James one last question. She would give him one last chance to show himself.
"I'm just thinking. You know what I said up at the Astronomy Tower how I had been wishing you were James Potter? Well, the truth is…I love him. And I want him to come back from wherever he is because I can't stand it anymore. I—" Lily didn't even get to finish because James had surprised her with a kiss.
Unlike her first kiss which was soft and tentative, this one was a desperate kiss—as if there would be no more after it. It was so full of promise that Lily actually starting to whimper against his lips.
He hadn't answered her! That left her no choice but to…
She gasped as he kissed the pulse on her neck. Oh my God! Oh my God! She was going to lose control! Her heart was hammering against her rib cage, but she felt his doing the same when she placed her hands at his chest.
He returned to her lips and allowed himself to linger there a while before he dove deeper into the recess of her mouth. Tears formed in Lily's eyes as she allowed him to kiss her. After tonight, she knew she would hate herself, but he had left her no choice damn it!
His hands went to rub her back, but he remembered that it had been rubbed raw against the carpet and he didn't want to hurt her. He settled his hands around her neck, brushing her collarbone gently with the pads of this thumbs.
She brought her hands around his shoulders and up his neck until she buried her hands in his hair. It was blond, disappointingly, instead of jet black and Lily couldn't help but wish James would take his own body.
Sensing her hesitation, James pulled away and looked at her, dazed. This wasn't his body and he wasn't comfortable with the feeling he could go farther if he wanted.
"We should stop," if he didn't stop now, he would lose himself and he refused to give in to pleasure tonight. Lily was traumatized and he would not be a rebound for her comfort. He mostly wanted to stop because he was getting frustrated. It was getting harder and harder for him to resist her! He didn't want to be Amos anymore—he should tell her. Now. Now was as good a time as any.
"Lily, we really should stop. I—" but before he could finish, Lily had pulled him back to her. Stopping a breath away from his lips, she told him,
"I will never forgive you if you stop," and became aggressive with her kisses. There was an urgency that neither of them could explain. Forgetting everything he was about to say, he held her fast and started to unbutton her shirt unconsciously. He disregarded who he was at the time and became savage in his need for her. He had waited to long for her to respond to him like this. Swearing he would stop before it got to far, he decided to take what he could tonight and confess to her after.
Prove your love by doing this. Show her how much you love her.
Lily simply melted as he touched her cheek, her neck and her arms. Her most sensitive spot was at the pulse at the side of her neck, and he knew it. Every time she though he was pulling away, he always came back to kiss her there, though not briefly.
Her shirt had come off, and she didn't know when. But she started unbuttoning his needing to feel his skin.
James groaned as she deliberately took her time.
Then she dipped her hands lower to unzip his trousers.
Alarmed, James stilled her hands.
"No. No, stop, I can't do this!" James breathed backing far away from her.
She looked at him quizzically.
James was afraid of himself for once in his life. He couldn't stop wanting Lily, and it was obvious she wanted him, so why was she willing to go so far with Amos? Once she reached for his pants, he knew he had to stop. He wasn't going to let her lose her virginity with Amos' body. God, if I can help it, it's going to be me as myself! James swore.
"What's wrong?" Lily attempted to come closer, but James stood up and went behind the couch. He ran his hair through his hair and swept them down his face.
God, I have to tell her. This is killing me!
"James?" Lily looked up at him.
Unbearable silence passed as he stared at her with his mouth open and his hands clutching into fists.
"—what do you just call me?" he demanded.
Lily's eyes widened. She had called him James. Oh fuck, Lily! Fuck! Fuck!
"You knew?" It wasn't even a question. It was an accusation. He nailed her down with hard, cold eyes. Unlike his regular warm, hazel ones, Amos' were icy blue and made Lily shiver.
"Yes," she replied in a small voice.
"Since when?"
"Last night."
"You didn't say anything until now?" he gritted through his teeth.
"Neither did you!" she countered, now getting angry. What right did he have to be questioning her when he was the one who deceived her first?
"I tried to win you over!" he explained.
"By using someone else's body? That isn't fair James! You used my feelings for Amos! You took advantage of him! Now he's probably dead on your bed for all I know!" Lily yelled back.
"Is this why you were kissing me? To get revenge? Was that it?" James demanded. He thought she had meant it when she had said she loved him, but it was all lies. It was all part of her plan to ruin him. No matter how real the kisses seemed, they were lies, too. God, he wished they were real. He wished she meant them as much as he wanted her to.
"Of course I wanted revenge! You think you can pull sheets over my eyes, Potter? I should have known it was you from the start, I should have—" Lily held her breath as Amos' face started to bubble, and in a few seconds, he was James.
Lily wanted to cry. He was here now and she did love him, so so much. She didn't realize just how much she had missed seeing him until now. Now that he was right there in front of her, but she couldn't touch him. He had been gone for so long. But after what she had been through, she could never trust him.
"This is me, now! Do you still want to kiss me!" he demanded.
"No."
"Why? Because I'm not Amos? All that love talk was a bunch of bullocks wasn't it, Lily! You just wanted me in bed! No—you wanted Amos!" James spat. That realization was too much to bear.
"No! I don't want to kiss you because you're angry with me!" she yelled, "Even though you have no right to be mad at me! You tricked me first, you lousy git! You broke my trust the time you decided to switch bodies with Amos!" God! She wanted to slap him!
"It's not like I had your trust in the first place! You hated me! There was no other way around it! You really think I was going to let you hate me when I liked you so much? Of course I was going to fight to get your heart! I couldn't stand you looking at Amos the way you did! And when I was him, when you looked at me like that—I couldn't get enough. I couldn't just stop!" James confessed, "I was going to tell you tonight!"
"Why didn't you? I gave you an opportunity to reveal yourself, but you didn't take it. You just wanted me in bed! It's all you've ever wanted! You couldn't have me, so this was your idea of winning my heart? Stealing someone else's body and manipulating me? You started the whole deception deal! I was merely punishing you!"
"By forcing me against myself? You know how hard it was for me to pull away, Lily?" he demanded, "If I couldn't pull away, would you have gone farther? Would you have given yourself to Amos?"
"To you as Amos. Never to Amos," she bit her tongue.
"Damn it, Lily!" he wanted to strangle her and leave her to the dogs. That was probably the worst answer!
"It's not like it was easy for me either James! You think I wanted to hurt you?"
"Yes!" he yelled immediately
"Fine! I did want to hurt you—but only for you to understand how much pain you put me through! Until you told me who you were, I could never forgive you! Think about how it is going to be for me! Every time I see Amos, I'm going to think of everything we've done together for the past month! It's his face that I've connected with everything that's been happening! It's as if you were never there because I could never see you!" Lily walked around the couch to face him.
"I wanted the worst possible revenge for you! I wanted you to feel tortured knowing you could have me as someone else, but never as yourself! That's what the charm was for, that's why I took you to the closet, and that's why I asked you to stay tonight. You put me through hell, James, when I found out that you were Amos. I had been torn between loving him and you, and it drove me crazy trying to choose. You hadn't been around, and the things Amos...well, you…and I were doing could be called romantic even! You tricked me, betrayed my heart! I wanted you to feel the same," she looked him in the eyes and resisted the temptation kiss away his frown.
"Do you understand why I did it?" Lily asked.
He nodded.
She ventured to ask him one more question.
"Do you still love me, then?"
He stared at her. After a while, he shook his head slowly, but decisively.
She felt like she had been stabbed.
"How could I? I can't trust you," he muttered. He walked past her refusing to look at her with tear falling down her cheeks. If he saw her cry, it would soften him. He could not allow his pride to be stripped away anymore than it had.
Before he reached the door, Lily called out to him. He stopped without turning around.
"Your parents are in the hospital—they're waiting for you," she reminded him. She would allow him to walk out on her, but she would not allow him to walk out on his family. They were hurt and they needed him. God knows, she would have given anything to be with her mother when she had died.
"I don't believe you," he whispered viciously. That was Remus' letter—she didn't know anything.
He closed the door with a dry click and left Lily to sit on the couch alone. She did not cry through the night, but the scene kept replaying in her head. Every time, she had noted that she knew she loved him when he turned into himself again. She recognized his black hair, his hazel eyes…oh, those eyes. She wanted to kiss away the stern line of his mouth. He had been so furious with her!
Why? You're the one who he made a fool of in the first place! You should be the one yelling and closing the door…not him. What did you do to make him so angry? A day of deception? Well! He had a month of that!
Missing him terribly, though she was still angry at him for being angry with her, she went to his room. Flicking on the light, she walked to his dresser where his pictures were laid out. She picked up her picture and stared at herself. Where was this?
Trailing her finger over the frame, she scrunched her eyes in concentration. It was definitely summer.
She noticed that he was in the background, leaning over a railing and looking out into the ocean. The ocean…Of course! It had been the vacation to the Americas.
She, Molly, Arthur, The Marauders and a few other Gryffindors had gotten together for a two-week vacation to the Americas. Here, they were in Florida maybe?
Molly was the only one who had been taking pictures in their group, so James must have stolen the picture when Molly had them developed.
She set the frame down. She was too happy in the picture, and James looked so calm behind her. It was quite the opposite now.
She looked down at Amos, who was uncovered by the Invisibility Cloak she had used last night. He was still breathing, though he didn't look like the Amos that James had made him out to be. Lily hooked her arm around Amos' and put him on the floor. She covered him with the Invisibility Cloak she had discarded at the side of James' drawer, and crawled into James' bed. There was a little comfort there.
She never use to care what people thought about her, she never use to care what anyone said about her or behind her back, but tonight was different. Everything James had said stuck with her.
Especially when he shook his head at her.
She pulled his blankets over her shoulder and under her chin. When had he come to affect her so much? She thought she had been doing with without him. At the beginning of the year, she wouldn't have cared if she disappointed him. She would have went out of her way to disappoint him in as many ways as possible.
But revenge didn't feel as good as it should have. Watching him as he controlled his anger and let it pin her down with his eyes was most frightening. She was disappointed in herself for even thinking to hurt him in that way, and now that she had, she couldn't take it back.
Sure, she had good reason to wound his pride, to make him feel a slap on the face for everything that she had been through, but there was something wrong. She should be happy that she had managed to get to him. She should be happy that he was angry at himself and at her. Instead, she felt hollow.
When she finally closed her eyes to sleep, tears she had fought so hard to control snuck from under her eyelids, across her face and onto his pillow.
She had fallen for James Potter, and for once, he didn't want her.