Stargate Atlantis: Mutiny

Atlantis Parody inspired by Horatio Hornblower by C.S. Forrester. And in the big mixy bag of things, written by me: Geoarchaeologist.

Life under Col. Caldwell is not what it seems; while he was a highly revered officer in the beginning (though nobody knows how because everybody hates him), he turns out in the end to be a paranoid schizophrenic. And unfortunately, nobody has time or the means to find out why he's suddenly like this, because he's too busy going around believing any conversation behind his back to be a conspiracy for mutiny! Of course nobody actually IS conspiring for mutiny. So the team gets together in secret to figure out how to safely relieve Col. Caldwell from duty – which of course, Caldwell discovers and sets out to find them, believing it to be clear evidence of mutiny. So our lovable team scatters when they get word of the search. But something goes wrong! SOMEONE has pushed Col. Caldwell off one of the balconies to a watery grave! (yay!) The horrible part is that there's an inquiry: who dun it? Or will the plot even survive that far!

CHAPTER ONE: THE POKER GAME

Mutinous

Col. Caldwell was an unforgiving man with a hardened stare. His eyes were constantly narrowed as if he were always in a wretched mood –and maybe he was! Or maybe he just looked like that. The point was, even his smile was drenched in unsightly imperiousness, matching every muscle that stretched to form that damnable emotion.

When Major Sheppard –whoops sorry – COLONEL Sheppard, was beamed aboard the Asguard-juiced ship "Dedalus" (who the heck named that thing?), his first thoughts were completely forgivable and even understandable. Of course, the thoughts were so incredibly profane that I couldn't possibly let you in on them. You'll just have to use your own imagination – but make sure it's colourful.

And who could blame the poor fellow? The poor tall, lean, muscular, sweepingly dark haired rogue-hero with the lopsided grin named Colonel Sheppard, that is. He had the most unfortunate disposition of having to serve under some of the SG's most callous jerks. I mean, remember Sumner? And then Everett? Because Sheppard remembers! It was like their life-long mission was to be as arrogantly hateful as humanly possible. But then they came to Atlantis and realized that the Wraith kind of won out in that category – owing to their lack of human-ness…So they had to die, right?

So, after the initial shock wore off, as Sheppard stared at Caldwell for a moment (in that episode, Siege part III), he calmly told himself that yes, he looks like another jerk that's going to give him a speech about chain-of-command, but honestly? He's probably going to be the first to go. That really motivated Col. Sheppard and made his day-to-day life a lot more pleasant. So, whenever he saw Caldwell around, after that whole Siege Part III thing, he smiled broadly.

Sadly, Sheppard didn't realize two things:

When he figured that Caldwell would be the first to go (out of major-ish characters for the next season), he didn't mean schizophrenia. In fact, he was really hoping for a personable experience, like a really really frightening Wraith attack. Because then he'd see what a big arrogant jerk he's been and think to himself, Wow, these Wraith are bigger jerks than I could have ever imagined. There was no point in my petty attitude, which caused suffering to so many people. And isn't it funny that it's me that's dying while Sheppard is over there alive and well, saving everyone…wait a minute, I didn't order him to engage those darts! That's it –

And that would really HAVE been "it"! …For Caldwell, that is.

But no. No, no, no, no. It couldn't be that easy. Schizophrenia, I'm afraid.

Sheppard also didn't realize that whenever he smiled so amiably in Caldwell's presence, it was interpreted as a deceitful ploy to cover up Sheppard's involvement in a conspiracy…a conspiracy for MUTINY!

So, because Col. John Sheppard doesn't know any of this yet, we'll have to assume that he's somewhere else minding his own business. In fact, there he is, over there, enraptured in a tense poker game with his team members, Dr. Rodney McKay, Lieutenant Aiden Ford, Teyla, Dr. Elizabeth Weir, and Dr. Carson Beckett – wow did you ever notice that 50 percent of the team are doctoral graduates! But then, I suppose that's not too fascinating; you wouldn't think they'd send stupid jerks to the Pegasus Galaxy…. except for Sumner, Everett and Caldwell. But they got what they deserve. Well, I mean, remember, Caldwell's days are numbered. Mark my words.

Oops, sorry. I blathered on right over the game, which just ended. Who won?

"Sorry, ladies and gentlemen, but it looks like I take the pot, again." Sheppard grinned with a wink.

"Again? I'm not playing anymore," Rodney pushed away from the table, yawning.

"Come on Rodney, what's a little risk once and a while," Sheppard cocked a brow.

Everyone else laughed (well, I have to make them do something!)

"There's no risk in this, it's just simple probability and permutation mathematics-"

"Then you should be able to win then?" Sheppard lazily draped an arm over the back of the chair. They were seated one of the major lounge halls. The game was a much-invited relief for the countless days they had spent under pressure of the oncoming Wraith Attack. With it behind them, games and relaxation were the words of the hour.

Rodney made some indistinguishable sounds that sounded sort of like a person not wanting to admit defeat.

"Well, good game everyone," Weir stood up and stretched, "But I'm exhausted…think I'll turn in."

"Me, too," Ford yawned.

"Me, three," Beckett followed. "I have a slew of appointments first thing…"

"An appointment for what, doctor? And did I hear mention of risks?" He narrowed his eyes more than anyone should normally be capable of doing.

They all looked at each other before realizing a new voice had been added to the scene. Col. Caldwell. He was standing in the doorway, jaw tightened, eyes scrutinizing, and his uniform still on and neatly pressed. I mean it was almost midnight and his uniform looked like it had JUST come from the dry cleaners. And get this, Atlantis doesn't even HAVE a dry cleaners.

"Appointments with injured patients, Colonel," Beckett looked at him strangely, then decided to get the hell out of the room before things got weirder. Beckett really wasn't in the mood for anything strange or weird. He had seen enough of that over the previous days. Poker game and then bed, nothing strange in between, that was the plan.

"Hello, Colonel, sorry we didn't invite you to the-" Weir was suddenly interrupted.

"And what makes you think I would want to be involved in your…plots…" He twitched.

"Uhhh…" Weir looked to Sheppard, puzzled.

"You mean, our poker game?" Ford piped up.

"Don't think I am some fool, Mister Ford. Poker? A pathetic code word, if you ask me."

Ford's face fell.

"We're not sure what you're talking about, sir." Sheppard tried to hold that nice polite smile, but it was wavering, unfortunately – teetering on the brink of a hard glower.

"Don't take that tone with me, Colonel, or I'll have you arrested."

"Uh…by whom?"

"Would someone mind telling me what the hell is going on here? Plots? Arrests? Is this some new SGC restructuring ploy?" McKay waved about his hand, irritated.

"I'll tell you what's going on," Caldwell issued with a deadly gleam in his eyes. He then uttered a low and deranged laugh before exiting the room with an abrupt jerk.

"Did he just forget to tell us what is going on?" Teyla raised an eyebrow, clearly disturbed by the last two minutes.

Sheppard, who had his chin resting on the palm of his hand, looked up with rapid nodding. "Yep, Yep…I think he did."

"Well," McKay seemed at a loss for words and cleared his throat to make up for it, saying, "It really ruined the intensity of the moment, too. I mean, I was really honestly scared to hear what it was going on."

Sheppard hummed, "I dunno, it left us in suspense, didn't it?"

Weir shook her head, bewildered, hand rubbing between her eyes.

"Well," McKay rose to his feet, the chair scraping as he did so: "I don't know about you guys? But I'm going to go to bed now to forget this ever happened!"

Sadly, it was only the beginning. Obviously. That's why Chapter 1 started with the poker game in the first place. I know, I know, it was a really pointless scene, but that whole Caldwell bursting in and saying weird stuff is kind of important. Unless you didn't think his wild accusations were weird. Either way, you can keep your personal thoughts to yourself – or leave them in the Reviews – and then proceed onwards to read Chapter 2…when I've finished writing it. Though at one point it will be there permanently and it will have been utterly pointless to mention it in the first place. Ah well.