When Sheppard and Teyla bounded into McKay's lab, he wasn't in the least surprised to see Hobbes beating the living snuffing out of McKay. Electronic thingies and other thingamabobs were crashing into each other and onto the floor as they flung each other around the room in hand-to-hand combat: McKay was fighting! Really. That's mostly what surprised Sheppard. In fact, he was rather inclined to just lean in the doorway (not with an evil smirk, there's a different you know!) and watch McKay go at it.
"Not so tough without your annoying little alien friend, are we?"
"She's Sheppard's friend!" McKay yelped, ducking a punch.
"Wha?" Hobbes threw him into a few chairs.
"Sheppard's friend! In fact, I think they're dating! Or they want to date –they've at least thought of sleeping together!"
"And?" Hobbes asked gruffly, giving McKay a good black eye.
"So, so, come on, think on it! He's the one with Teyla all the time! Not me! Why would you pick a fight with me? It's Sheppard you want! Sheppard!"
"Cuz I don't like you," Another kick and a punch.
Sheppard turned to look at Teyla. "You know, maybe we walked in at the wrong time. Had I not heard any of that, I would have considered helping him? But now…"
"Colonel Sheppard," Teyla said in a reprimanding sort of voice, shaking her head.
"What? What you like him? That's it, isn't it? You like, McKay! How could I have been so stupid?"
"John," Teyla cut in fiercely, "There is nothing going on between McKay and myself, do not worry yourself about it. What provoked you to say such a thing?" She eyed him suspiciously. A number of loud crashes and yelps continued on in the background.
"This whole Sergeant Hobbes thing has just been one giant excuse for you to spend more time with him," Sheppard angrily gestured.
"Er…I really believe Hobbes intends to pummel McKay quite seriously," Teyla cleared her throat, casting glances at McKay, who was now rolling along the ground with Hobbes. He managed a few strikes in the face.
"Well I don't believe it," Sheppard shouted.
Teyla raised an eyebrow and pointed beyond Sheppard to the fight scene. Turning around sharply, Sheppard faintly began to remember where he was. Clearing his throat, he looked back.
"Oh…Oh right," was all he said.
"You are exhausted," Teyla observed pointlessly. I mean the man's been awake for over 36 hours now, what did she think he was? A Cylon?…omg, what if Sheppard IS a Cylon. We all know from Battlestar Galactica that Cylons can stay away super-super long without showing any real signs of tiredness –
"You guys been standing there all this time? Help me!" McKay shrieked.
"I'm fine. McKay, don't worry! I'm tossing you my lightsaber! Take him out!" Sheppard tossed McKay a pencil and stood back, arms folded.
"What the hell is this! Are you high!" The pencil bounced off his forehead, leaving a rather nasty imprint.
Luckily, Teyla had the sense to jump into the fight and pull Hobbes off of McKay. It only took her a moment to knock him out and pin him to the ground. McKay struggled back to his feet, dusting himself off (as if it actually mattered) and went right over to the trapped Hobbes and gave a good, swift kick to his ribs.
Teyla snapped him with a stare. "I did not pin him to the ground so you could do that, Dr. McKay."
"Well," he started, out of breathe, "Either way."
At that precise moment, when the scuffle had ended, Dr. Weir contacted them over a scrambled channel on their headsets. It was one of those strange occurrences that seem only to happen in science fiction, where coincidences save the day. Actually, it just makes writing the scene coherent, you know? Imagine trying to pipe Dr. Weir's message into their headsets while they're all busy fighting. The whole while, Sheppard would probably have just thought he was hearing things again (funny how he doesn't think he's hearing things when Darth Vader is talking to him, though), and Weir would have thought McKay was calling her profane names while beating himself up. Everyone would have just been weirded out, to say the least.
"We've got to get to the meeting now, Dr. Beckett has something and we haven't much time: Caldwell is ordering your team to engage the Wraith at P4X977 – "
"That's a suicide mission!" McKay gasped. "Just a bunch of hive ships in orbit."
"Jumper Bay, now!"
So they all run there and yada yada yada – use your own damn imagination!
They all assembled in a secluded corner of the Jumper Bay to discuss the matter and everyone was there, including a disgruntled Ford and Dr. Beckett.
"I ran into a problem," Beckett winced at once, as they huddled.
Weir's face fell. "What? I thought you said you discovered from brain scans that he was schizophrenic!"
"Aha, I knew it!" Sheppard snapped.
"No you didn't," McKay rolled his eyes, nursing an icepack on his eye. He was still clearly upset for Sheppard's lack of assistance during the whole Hobbes thing.
"Don't be so angry with me," Sheppard insisted coldly, "I did throw you my only lightsaber. It's not my fault you can't defend yourself."
McKay didn't even know how to respond to that.
"Er, anyway, yes the brain scans did reveal this…problem is…someone stole the images. I've got no proof now. They were replaced with cartoon drawings of a brain. I suppose they were quite funny but…" He cleared his throat.
"Great," Weir muttered. "We've got to get them back. I bet Caldwell has them. We need to get to his office."
Just then, Sheppard gasped. And initially everyone ignored him. Sheppard was brinking on mental instability himself owing to over exhaustion. But he interrupted them with his thoughts.
"I just received word – Caldwell up in the control room has discovered that there have been scrambled calls going on in the past hour…and they've discovered Hobbes…he's sent a search party, and they're coming after us! He's going to make us all walk the plank!"
"What?"
"I know! I didn't even know we had a plank!"
"We don't," McKay stared.
"John, where are you hearing this?" Weir looked around at the group, feeling rather spooked.
"Yeah, man, we're all here." Ford cleared his throat.
"Whom are you talking to?" Beckett felt that this was the most important question.
"Darth Vader – now, I know, but hear me out. He's been spending some time in the control room, just seeing how things are run, and he overheard the whole thing with Caldwell."
"Ma'am," a look out scout raced up to them, panting and out of breath. "I was just assigned to one of the search teams that are after you and Sheppard's team – you better get out of here and scatter!"
Okay, so what do you reckon Weir and them were more worried about? The fact that Caldwell was literally coming after them now, or that Sheppard was right about the entire thing and that he got his information from Darth Vader.
They opted to just stare at Sheppard instead, just for an instant.
But Sheppard jumped to his feet, pulling Weir and Teyla along with him. "We gotta go, then! I'm not walking that plank!"
"We don't have a plank!" McKay groaned again as they raced out of the jumper bay.
The team scattered. Caldwell wouldn't get his fiendish hands on them now!
I don't really know where everyone went because I can only follow one character at a time. But during the moments that the team scattered, something happened. Col. Caldwell stalked out onto the main balcony of the control room to catch a breath of deep ocean air before awaiting news on the capture of Sheppard's team, the mutinous traitors that were as he stood there, plotting to overthrow him. Oh, he knew, he took those fake brain scans and chucked them out in his office. Nobody would know. He would reign, and Sheppard and his stupid team would walk the plank!
Except, there was one small flaw in Caldwell's evil plan: He got pushed over the balcony into the crashing ocean below.
Who did it?
Now, ladies and gents, what character would you like to follow for the conclusion?