Disclaimer: I own nothing except for the plot. It's actually my life story just a little bit tweaked to fit Lily's age and everything.

A/N: This is just the prologue so there is no dialogue. It's just giving you the background of her life so it's easier to understand.

Prologue

Throughout my seventeen years I have fallen in love many times and I have had quite a few relationships, more so than the average teenager in the period of time that I am disgusted to live in.

Sadly, I can't seem to recall my first kiss. The only 'first' I can remember is the one that I gave my virginity too, but I still can not remember anything that had happened that day. I just remember that I was too young and I didn't want it though I was not forced into anything.

My first relationship that I can remember was from a boy that lied to me all the time even though we were both young and he went to my elementary school with me, Kaleb. Our families had known each other since we were born, but we didn't figure that out until we had started dating.

He was my longest relationship, but we didn't even kiss until we were into, I think, our second month of going out. I broke up with him numerous times, but somehow when he asked me to take him back I would because I knew that I couldn't live without someone loving me. I had already realized this by my young age though I can not think of exact year I was.

We ended it permanently at the end of our school year, but we continued to be friends with benefits when I would come back for summer. I didn't know that was what I was supposed to call it then though so I just figured it was okay because we had gone out. When we met throughout the summer we would kiss in private and once or twice I would roam my hands where I wanted to and he repeated my actions.

While we were going out though I had another boyfriend that came later. I tried to break up with Kaleb, but when he said he didn't want to so I just gave up easily and had two boyfriends. The other boyfriend, I can't seem to remember his name, was more physical than emotional and he was Kaleb's best friend.

Throughout both relationships I cheated, once again, on both of them, but not with another relationship. I would kiss other boys and I would give blowjobs, handjobs, and whatever the boy would ask of me. I now consider myself a slave when I was younger because I aimed to please whatever boy I was with at that moment just so I could feel loved or wanted.

Once I entered Hogwarts though I wanted more from boys and I was ready to give myself to them. It was easy to find boys with the looks that I have though on numerous actions I find myself quite a disgusting picture to look at. I wanted boys to tell me I was beautiful and that they needed me more than anything.

Within a week I found a boyfriend and that was my first love even though my actions didn't seem to portray that. His name was Remus and I truly did feel like we had a connection. He cared for me and I wanted him to love me like that forever. In the middle of our relationship I went off to a hospital and when I came back I was different making me feel like I didn't want that kind of relationship anymore so we broke it off.

Afterwards, I met a boy from when I was walking with my old friend in the hallways and she introduced me to him even though he had raped her previously, but I didn't figure that out until later. He was a Slytherin and I didn't like him at all until he started to call me names that night and he started hitting me making me want him. Once she had left us alone I went to his room to give him a handjob and he felt me roughly, which I was surprised in myself for liking it.

After that I didn't see him again that year, which I didn't seem to mind. Still, I was bored with the boys that would say they liked me and I turned them away and I didn't ever know why I did that, which caused me to feel unloved.

Some relationships later that I can't even seem to remember except for the kisses and other physical actions that we had, I left for summer and then came back for my second year. I'm still not sure if they were even relationships or just a fling that lasted a few days before I once again got bored with being with the same boy.

Now that I was in my second year I wanted as many boys as I could handle and I got my wish. I would go off with different boys everyday and skipped classes just so I could be happy that day even though it would only last moments. My only real relationship that year was with Remus again and I barely consider that a relationship since all we did was make-out and I would touch him constantly. He started lying to me though and I would hear him talking mean about me to other people, which made me fall in love with him though I didn't know why.

That year though I met the person that I completely and madly fell in love with. His name was Regulus and he treated me the worst I had ever been by a male. Continuously I would kiss him and right after he would tell me that he hated me and that I was the ugliest person that he had met. He always made me extremely upset saying I was crazy for cutting myself, which I had started at the age of 9.

After all this treatment, I was still in love, if not even more.

Once again, I was off to hospitals again and after one hospital stay that lasted two months I came back to Hogwarts, bringing my old habits with me. Once my second year was over though I went back to my house for the summer.

I didn't go out with anyone that year, but I seemed to be fine with that and I enjoyed being passed around. I loved to sneak kisses in the hallway and even during classes when the teacher wasn't looking I would dare to be even more physical.

I met a boy, Talan, then and he would always tell me he loved me while he went out with other people and treated me like shit. Somehow though I still loved him so I had sex with him whenever I could. Afterwards, I would sometimes ask him if he would go out with me, but the answer was always no.

I just wanted him more.

When he asked me out and said he was sorry for being cruel and that he loved me I didn't want him anymore though. He was boring now.

During my flings with different boys I would also love to be with girls and I figured out that I was bisexual. This just made me more attractive to males though it quite sickened me that it turned them on. Even though I didn't like how it made me more popular with boys I did seem to flaunt my actions with other girls. Later though, I got tired and bored doing things for attention and I kept my relationships with females to myself and my partner unless I was in love, which happened quite frequently because I was attracted to hard core females more than males because they were less loving.

All through my adventures with different people I was still in love with Regulus. I hated myself for loving him, but I often tried to stop myself. It never worked. He went out with a few girls that were in our year, but each time he would break up with them and come back to me wanting a more physical relationship that I openly gave him. I decided very early on that I wanted to have sex with him and I asked him if he wanted to after his most recent break-up. I found out that he was virgin. That didn't last for long.

I left third year as a complete whore and very well known for the fact. In the summer I ran away from my horrid household that I was adopted into and Regulus's brother's best friend, James, ended up taking me in. He was infatuated with me and treated me like a princess.

I hated it.

I hated him.

One night I remember him coming into my room though and he roughly picked me up from where I was laying on the floor looking up at the ceiling. He threw me onto the bed that was now mine and I was completely turned on by his wanting me and not telling me he loved me.

He didn't know what to do at all when it came to the sex, but I gladly helped him later finding out that he was a virgin as well as the other boys.

We continued our late night escapades until we both left for our fourth year at Hogwarts. Once again, he was telling me that he loved me and was saying how good I was in bed.

I had grown sick of it.

I had grown sick of him.

When I came back to our fourth year I hadn't grown in height, but at fourteen years old I had grown from size 34B in bra size to 32D. I was very pleased and so was Regulus. Yes, I had gone back to him. And I didn't fucking care what those old friends of mine had to say about it.

When I stayed home for Christmas so did Regulus, but another girl by the name of Azalea who was a Ravenclaw did too.

He chose her.

And I chose my razor blade.

Once Regulus got tired of his new girl she came to me crying and asking me what she had done wrong. I told her that she had chosen Regulus to love. She looked up at me with sadness in her eyes. I knew she had given up her virginity.

Back to the blade.

A few days later after the Christmas holidays ended she seemed fine and was constantly sitting with me during lunch when she was supposed to sit with the Ravenclaws. I noticed that she was quite beautiful and told her so. She hit me in my face and called me a disgusting dyke.

Now I had two loves. Regulus and Azalea.

During classes I would always blow kisses at her just so I could see her blush then flick me off. I always heard her talking at her table loudly about how disgusting I was and how much of a freak I turned out to be. She would turn to me though and give me a weak smile then turn back to her friends.

Now I had a secret affair.

Regulus though came back to me and I took him back with open arms. He started hitting me when I told him my feelings for him, but I didn't mind. I just wanted his passion. I needed it.

Once Azalea found me in my bed with Regulus next to me unclothed she ended our affair and it made me upset for a few days, but I was okay because I still had Regulus.

I started dating other boys though to try to make Regulus jealous. It never worked. But at least I got to have sex whenever I wanted. The relationships would always turn sour though whenever they proclaimed they loved me. I would dump them immediately afterwards and go to Regulus's room so he could fulfill my hunger for passion.

That was how my fourth year ended and I went back to James's house for my summer. Two weeks into the summer I found out that my parents were killed by a drunk driver. I never went to the funeral. I didn't care.

James now realized that I didn't want to be told nice things and he started to call me brutal names and roughly push me around shoving his tongue down my throat. I accepted this new change gladly, but when his father was killed on the job of being an Auror there was another change in him and I didn't like it. He was once again extremely nice and caring and always wondering if I was okay.

I was bored though so I still pleasured him, just never talked to him before or afterwards. We only spoke a few words during that summer except for the miserable voice of him always trying to tell me how much he loved me.

My fifth year was the same as fourth and I don't feel like repeating myself by talking about my escapades with every boy I could find and then running back to Regulus. The only thing knew was that I started using muggle drugs that I had found out about during summer and I was purely addicted to smoking and cutting myself open.

That summer I didn't go back to James's. I didn't want to see him anymore. I now lived on the streets and I got money by selling myself to strangers. I used the money to buy myself drugs and cigarettes. That's all I needed in my life now.

Except for Regulus.

I was still in love through all my insanity.

When I went back I had to cast spells on my face to not make myself look sickly, but I was deathly thin. And I loved it. All of my bones stuck out sharply like my precious blade and I was fine with that. Since I was used to not eating by now because of the streets I skipped every meal except for dinner. I would only grab some carrots from the kitchens and leave happily.

My sixth year was filled with cocaine, heroin, weed, cigarettes, vodka, blades, and sex.

I had given up with relationships and now I just wanted please myself with different boys and girls.

Thank the gods there was enough men and women.

Growing tired of the same thing, year after year, I decided at the very end of the year that I would go out with someone and I didn't care whether I liked them or not. I just wanted to try the whole long-term deal.

That's how I ended up going back to James's house that summer and being his beloved girlfriend.

He made me bored of life and sick.

Unknown to the world, I finally found out why I was still so in love with the person that I was, Regulus. It was so obvious that I didn't understand why I hadn't thought of it before this time in my life. I had a boyfriend that truly loved me, that wanted me with all my imperfections, but I didn't love him, nor did I want him. I wanted the boy that had been more than cruel to me, that had made me cut myself numerous times so I could see the blood that made me live the way I do.

Now though, I realize why I had fallen in love with this boy and why I didn't seem to even like the thought of the boyfriend I owned. James was one of those boys that wanted their girlfriends to have everything and treated them like royalty. The boy that I was in love with treated me like trash and I knew that he didn't even come close to have the same feelings as I did for him so often displayed. My roommates always wondered why I came back to him when all he wanted was my lips, my body, but not my heart nor my emotions that I so freely gave him.

I know suddenly now why. I wanted a boy that would treat me horribly, one that was filled with passion and that didn't care about how I felt. I craved deeply for someone that would hate me, yet make me feel loved by the way he kissed me and the way his hands would roam over my once pure body. Realizing this, I knew I had found that kind of boy and that is why I needed him. I wanted pain from relationships and all other aspects of my life.

I once read something that said there are two types of boys that would come into your life. The ones that you would marry and the ones that you would lust after and want to have sex with. Well, what if I didn't ever return the love that the men gave me after realizing that I was a possibility to marriage? What if I was also wanting a man that would give me less than I deserved? I found why I didn't feel that I was loved. It is because of me not wanting the type of love that I was given so I still didn't feel that the love I was given was real love even though it was.

I am realizing this as I write my story down so I'm not actually quite sure what will be done by my realization. I presume that it will just be another aspect of my sickness that I will grow to hate about myself. This is something that I will not just grow out of when I'm older. This will follow me throughout all of my relationships whether I am an adult or the teenager I am now. Guessing about my future husband, I picture an abusive man that is wonderful in bed and gives me amazing kisses that leave me wanting him more.

I am sick.

And I need help.

This is my story.