A/N: I'm terribly sorry this took so long. As finals are (finally) approaching, my life is becoming insane. I'm going to try my best to update again next week, but I'm not going to promise anything until school is over on June 17. Please hang in there with me – once my summer break starts, I should be able to update much more frequently! Thanks for reading and reviewing – you know I love you all!
I don't own Harry Potter.
Phases of Grief
"That was horrible," Remus said, running his hands over his face.
"Did you think so?" Dana asked as she followed him out of the medical tent. "I thought it was fascinating."
"You enjoyed seeing people in pain?" Remus asked as he lowered his hands.
"Not really. I mean, I don't like that they're in pain, but I'm glad that we could help them." She paused, then continued. "The Death Eaters attacked their bodies with curses. But we attacked the curses, fighting to save their bodies, and to stop the damage that they caused. Think about it, Remus – we help the Order fight the Death Eaters in more ways than any of the other members. We fight on the battlefield like everyone else, but we also fight to save the lives of the people who have been directly affected by the curses."
Remus looked at her for a moment. "You're going to be a great Healer, Dana."
She flushed. "So are you."
"No," he said, shaking his head. "You really love this. It's what you were meant to do."
"Don't you love it?"
"I love my father," Remus said quietly. "Do you see Laura anywhere?"
"No," Dana replied, a bit surprised by his sudden change of topic. "But Sirius is over there. He might know where she is."
Remus nodded. "I'll go talk to him. Are you going to stick around here for awhile, or are you leaving?"
"I'm going to look for Olivia and Lily, and then I'm going to visit Aidan. I just – I really want to see him right now."
Remus nodded in understanding. It was the same reason he wanted to find Laura. "Well, I'll see you later, then."
"Take care."
"You, too."
Remus crossed to where Sirius was standing with a Muggle – one of Vernon's relatives by the look of her. She was a large woman, and shared many of his features. As Remus approached, Sirius raised his wand, pointing it at the woman. She gasped, and tried to duck away from him. Sirius scowled.
"Hold still for two seconds, you old bag," he muttered. "Obliviate."
A dreamy look came over the woman's face as her memories left her. Sirius scowled again, then noticed Remus hovering nearby.
"Moony! Come on over! I've just finished my last memory charm."
"Memory charm?" the woman asked. "What's that? And what's that in your hand?"
"Dammit," Sirius muttered. "Guess I was wrong on that." He raised his wand again. "Obliviate."
The dreamy look returned, and Sirius directed the woman back inside the house. He turned to Remus with a relieved smile.
"That was Vernon's sister, Marge – horrible woman. I've never seen anyone be so terrified, angry, demanding, degrading, and uncooperative at the same time." He grinned. "Crouch is here – I'll bet he would have been fine with me using something stronger than a memory charm on her."
Remus laughed. "So it's true what they said about Aurors being allowed to use Unforgivables now?"
"Not quite yet, but Crouch is all for it. He's an action man; he'll have it passed through the Ministry in no time."
"Do you think it's a good idea?"
Sirius shrugged. "Not particularly. I mean, we're fighting because people are using Unforgivables against others. If we're going to use them as well, doesn't that make us no better than them?"
"I suppose so," Remus said slowly. He was rather surprised by Sirius' attitude. Most Aurors were thrilled at the prospect of being able to fight back with the same spells that they spent their lives dodging.
"I think Crouch is a little crazy," Sirius continued in a whisper. "He's completely obsessed with catching the Death Eaters. I mean, I know that's what all Aurors do, and it's what I want to spend the rest of my career doing, but he's really over the top about it." He smiled, and began talking at a normal level again. "Eh, what do I know? I'm just in training."
"I guess," Remus replied, looking at Sirius curiously.
"Are you done for the night?"
"Yeah, finally," Remus replied. "You?"
"I can't leave until Longbottom and Moody say I can. My current fear is that they won't let us leave until sometime next week. Those two have no idea how to stop working."
Remus grinned. "Is Laura still around?"
"No, she left awhile ago with James and Lily. She took them back to the girls' flat, from what I gathered." He grinned. "You know, James still doesn't know how to drive that car we bought them. I swear, that's the last time I try to give him something nice."
Remus laughed. "He's so ungrateful. After all the trouble we went through . . . I guess I should say the trouble that Laura and Dana went through . . ."
Sirius laughed. "My bank account is still feeling it, I'll have you know. I think Laura and Dana went a bit overboard."
Remus smiled again. "Look, I'm going to get out of here." He looked around the yard. "I really can't take much more of this."
"Sure, I understand," Sirius said, a concerned look crossing his face. "Are you all right to Apparate home?"
"I'm going to go to Laura's first," Remus corrected. "I'll probably Floo home from there."
"Fair enough. I'll see you later tonight, then."
Remus nodded. "See you then."
He Apparated into Laura's kitchen. She wasn't in that room; the lights were off. "Laura?" he called.
A muffled sob reached his ears. He frowned, and felt his pulse speed up. Was she in danger?
"Laura?" he said again, telling himself not to panic before he knew what was going on. "Are you all right?"
"I'm in here," Laura said, struggling to stop crying.
Remus left the kitchen, and walked into the living room. Laura was curled up in a ball on the couch, clutching her knees to her chest. Tears ran down her cheeks, adding to the streaks that were already there. Remus crossed the room in two strides, and sat down next to her, pulling her close.
She clung to him, sobbing against his chest. Her hands buried themselves in his robes, twisting the fabric as she cried out all the pain and anguish of the past day. Remus held her tightly, stroking her back and kissing her hair.
"You're all right," he said softly. "No one can hurt you now. You're fine."
"I know," she sobbed. "And that's the worst part!"
Remus frowned in complete confusion. "What?"
"Remus, do you realize how easily I could be Lily?"
Remus' frown deepened. "I'm not following you."
Laura took a deep breath, trying to calm down. "Lily is a Muggle-born witch. So am I. Lily's parents were Muggles. So are mine. Lily's sister is a Muggle. So are my siblings. Lily is going through hell right now because the Death Eaters destroyed her family. Remus, that could have been my family. I could be the one without parents. I could be the one whose siblings blame her for the destruction of everything familiar and sacred. My family could be next, Remus, and that terrifies me."
Remus held her tightly. "We're going to do everything in our power to protect you, Laura. You saw what happened today. Several Death Eaters were caught, and the Aurors will force them to give away information. We'll be able to stop some future attacks."
"But not all of them," Laura said softly.
"Laura . . ."
"I know that it could happen, Remus," she said. "Please don't try to tell me that it won't. You can't promise that, and we both know it."
"You're right," Remus said wearily. "As much as I wish I could, I can't promise that your family will stay safe. I can't promise that everything will still be fine tomorrow. But it is fine right now, Laura. You're fine, and your family is fine. It's like James always says – you have to live like there won't be a tomorrow, because you don't know for sure that there will be. We have to live in each moment, and not take anything for granted."
Laura sighed, and looked up at him. "Remus . . . that's not the worst part."
"What is, love?"
Her face crumpled. "I'm a bad person!"
"Laura, you are the farthest thing from a bad person that I can imagine! You're one of the sweetest people alive. Don't try to tell me that you're a bad person."
"I am, though. At the very least, I'm a bad friend!"
"Why do you think that?"
"Well, I just told you all my fears about my family. I was sitting here, thinking of all the terrible things that could happen, and . . . oh, God, Remus . . . I was glad that it was Lily and her family suffering! If it had to happen, I thanked God that it happened to her instead of me!"
"Laura, that does not make you a bad person! No one would want to see their family in pain. After what we've seen today, anyone would be thankful that their family is safe."
"And nine out of ten people think that werewolves are evil dark creatures who are just waiting to kill the first person they see," Laura countered. "We both know that's the farthest thing from the truth. Just because it's what everyone else thinks doesn't make it right."
"No, that's true," Remus replied slowly. "But maybe I should have phrased that better." He paused, trying to collect his thoughts. "Are you glad that Lily is suffering? Did you want to see her parents killed? Does the destruction you saw today give you a warm and fuzzy feeling?"
"No, of course not!" Laura exclaimed, horrified. "Why would you think that?"
"I don't. But I also think that if that was how you felt, you'd be a bad person. You don't want to see Lily suffer, Laura. You'd just rather . . . If it had to happen, you're glad it happened to someone other than you. Whether that someone is Lily or a random citizen is irrelevant. It's not you, and that's why you're glad." He brushed a tear from her cheek, then let his palm rest on her face. "You're a good person, and a good friend. We're all lucky to have you."
Laura turned her head to kiss his hand. "I'm lucky to have you. I love you, Remus."
"I love you."
When James awoke the next morning, Lily was still cuddled close to him. She was absently playing with his sleeve, her eyes unfocused. James watched her for a moment before she realized he was awake. He noted the dark circles under her eyes, and sighed.
"Did you sleep at all?"
Lily looked up at him in surprise. "A bit," she replied.
"Lil, you need to rest," James said. "I don't know how much longer you can go on without sleep."
Lily shook her head. "I can't sleep, James. Every time I close my eyes, I see my father's face right after the curse hit him. Without anything to distract me, I think of my mother lying completely still, and I know that she'll never move again. When it's quiet, I can hear Petunia shrieking that everything was my fault." Tears gathered in her eyes. "Don't make me sleep. Don't make me relive it again."
"But the dreamless sleep potion . . ."
"It can only do so much."
James sighed, and ran his hand through his hair. "I don't want to make you hurt anymore, Lil."
"You could never hurt me."
James smiled sadly. "Tell me how I can help you."
"Hold me. Hold me tightly, James, and don't let me go."
James complied, pulling her close. She clung to him, almost as if afraid that he would disappear if she released him. James murmured something to her. She couldn't really comprehend his words, but the sound of his voice had a calming affect. She felt herself relax in his embrace.
Neither of them was sure how long they stayed like that; however, they were eventually aware of the sounds of someone moving about the flat. James looked down at Lily, who still had her face buried in his chest.
"Do you want to go say good morning to your roommates?"
"Not yet," she said in a muffled voice. She looked up at him. "Can't we please stay here a little longer?"
"We'll stay as long as you want."
It was nearly noon by the time James and Lily made their way out of Lily's bedroom. James insisted upon showering, but Lily refused. She put on a pair of faded jeans and a t-shirt, and pulled her hair back into a ponytail. Dana and Olivia looked at her in surprise when she made her way into the living room. Lily was always so meticulous about her appearance; the other girls had always said that she was the best-dressed of the Gryffindors. Seeing her like this was an instant appraisal of her state of mind. It was as if she was crying out for help without saying a word. Dana took one look at her, and pulled her close.
"How is she?" Olivia asked James in an undertone.
"She'll make it," James replied. He ran his hand through his hair. "Have you heard from Sirius?"
"Not yet," she said. "When we left last night, he said he'd be over sometime today."
James nodded, and ran his hand over his face.
"Hey," Olivia said, touching his arm. "Are you all right?"
James shook his head, and gave her a sad smile. "How can I be anything but all right? I have to be all right for her."
Olivia looked at him for a moment. "You're a good man, James."
"No, I'm not," he replied. "I just love her. That's all."
A series of cracks filled the air as Sirius, Remus, and Laura Apparated into the girls' flat. Sirius immediately crossed to James, and clapped his hand down on his shoulder.
"How are you holding up, mate?" he asked.
James shrugged. "All right, I suppose."
Sirius looked into his eyes for a moment. "We'll talk later."
James visibly relaxed. He knew that "later," with Sirius, he would finally be able to let down his guard. "Thanks," he said with feeling.
Sirius nodded, and pulled Olivia close. Remus and Laura greeted James. After speaking with him, they crossed to Lily. Remus took her hands in his, and kissed her forehead. Although he didn't say a word, his kindness and concern were almost her undoing; she struggled to blink back her tears. Once he had stepped back, Laura leaned down to pull her into a tight embrace. Lily clung to her, trying to regain her composure. Remus moved back to where James stood with Sirius and Olivia.
"How's she doing?" he asked.
James shrugged again. "I don't know how long it'll be before she collapses from sheer exhaustion."
"She didn't sleep last night?" Remus frowned. "Dana said she gave her a sleeping potion."
"Apparently it wasn't strong enough."
"I'll ask her about it," Remus said, his frown deepening. "I can't believe she managed to fight off a sleeping potion."
"She's terrified to sleep," James said. "She said she relives everything that happened when she closes her eyes. She won't let herself fall asleep for fear that her nightmares will be worse than the reality."
Olivia shuddered. "I don't know how she can stand it."
"Neither do I," James murmured. "Neither do I."
A crack sliced through the air, and everyone jumped. When they looked up, Peter had Apparated into the living room, his face ashen. He stepped over to James, Sirius, Remus, and Olivia, and attempted to smile.
"How are you guys?" he asked.
"Holding up," James replied. "How are you?"
Peter shrugged. "This is rough."
"Yeah, it is," Sirius agreed, giving Peter an understanding look. "Having a family who's involved makes it harder."
Peter looked at Sirius with relief. He should have known that Sirius would understand the thoughts that were running through his head. "I feel so guilty," he confessed.
"Don't," James said quickly. "You had nothing to do with what happened. You were there with the rest of us, fighting against the Death Eaters and helping the victims. You're not guiltier than I am."
"Still," Peter said, "I feel like I should have done more. Maybe I should have tried harder to convince my dad that he's on the wrong side." He shrugged. "Maybe if I had managed to do that, things would have been different."
"Don't think like that," Sirius said quickly. "We were just kids when all this started, Peter. We barely knew right from wrong ourselves. How were we supposed to tell our parents what to do? And even if you had convinced him that Voldemort is evil, there would have been another Death Eater to take his place. Besides, we're doing all that we can to fix our parents' mistakes just by joining the Order. For every evil deed that they commit, we can do something to make it right again. It's like creating a balance in the cosmos."
"For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction," Remus muttered. "It applies here as much as it does in science."
"I guess you're right," Peter said quietly. "Where's Lily? I want to say hello to her."
"She's over with Laura and Dana," James said, pointing toward the couch. "I'm sure she'll be glad that you came."
Peter smiled sadly. "I don't know if anything will make her glad right now."
"No, that's true," James admitted. "But I'm sure it will help her to know that you're here."
Peter nodded, and made his way across the room to greet Lily. She looked up at him with tear-filled eyes. Without saying a word, he bent down to hug her. She clung to him for a moment, drawing comfort from his embrace.
Despite all that Sirius and Remus had said, Peter still felt partial responsibility for the events of the past day. True, he had had nothing to do with it. In fact, he had been at work when Remus had reached him with the frantic message to Apparate to Lily's parents' house immediately. It was his father's association with the Death Eaters that made him feel such guilt.
How could Sirius be content with just fighting with the Order? How could he not feel the responsibility that came with having a family member who was in league with the Dark Lord? And, really, how much did the Order do to protect its members? Lily was a member. That hadn't helped her family in the least. Wasn't there any way to avoid the guilt, and the possible death and devastation? If being an Order member didn't protect you, what would?
"Thank you so much for coming, Peter," Lily said softly.
Peter drew back, and took her hands. "If there's anything I can do for you, Lil, you'll let me know, right?"
"You know I will," Lily replied. "Right now, it's enough that you're here."
Peter gave her a sad smile. "I just wish I was here for a better reason."
"So do I," Lily whispered.
The day was slow torture for James. The eight of them stayed at the girls' flat for the entire day. Everyone's attention was focused on Lily. She did seem stronger now that she was surrounded by her friends, which convinced James that it was worth it to stay in the flat.
As far as he was concerned, Lily's improved state of mind was the only benefit to the day. He didn't want to be inside, he wanted to be out doing something. He wanted to search for those responsible for what had happened to Lily and her family, and to make them pay.
"Hey."
James looked up at the sound of Sirius' voice. "Hey."
"Do you want to talk?"
James ran his hand through his hair, and nodded. "We can't leave, though. I need to be here for Lily."
"Yeah, I know. Let's just go into the kitchen."
James glanced around the room. Lily was curled up on the couch, with her head resting on Dana's shoulder. Olivia and Laura were sitting together in a corner with Remus and Peter, talking in hushed tones. James nodded, and stood. They wouldn't be missed.
"All right," Sirius said as soon as the kitchen door closed behind them. "Talk."
James sighed. "This is killing me, Sirius."
"Seeing Lily hurt like this?" Sirius asked, leaning back against the counter.
"Yeah," James replied. "But that's not the only thing."
"What else is there?"
"Everything that happened that night!" He began pacing, his movements betraying his agitation. "Sirius, I fought Voldemort."
Sirius' eyes widened, the only sign of his surprise. His Auror training was working to help him hide his emotions. "Does anyone else know?"
"Dumbledore does, since he took over the battle when he arrived. I told my dad and Moody when they questioned me. I don't know if they told anyone else."
Sirius nodded. "What happened before we got there, James?"
James drew a deep breath. "There were dementors . . . they were the first to arrive. Lily and I drove them off, so they were the least of our concerns. Then the Death Eaters started appearing everywhere. We tried to fight them, but there were so many of them, and just the two of us . . . That's when I called you."
Sirius nodded again. "Thank God for those mirrors."
"I don't think that was quite what Remus had in mind when he gave them to us. But, it was the only way I could think of to get in touch with you – and we definitely needed help. I knew if I used my mirror, you'd be at the other end."
"What happened after you called me?" Sirius asked gently.
James shuddered. "Voldemort appeared. You know, I'd heard so much about him, but that was the first time I actually saw him. It's true, Sirius, he really does have red eyes. He's so tall, and he's so powerful . . . I couldn't believe that it was him, but neither could I deny it. Lily got into it with him – she just started screaming at him, standing up to him defiantly – she was amazing. But he didn't think so. He threw a Cruciatus at her, and she started screaming again, but this time in pain. I don't – I don't know what made me do it, but I tried to disarm him. I just – I wanted him to stop torturing Lily, and that was the only way I could think of to do it."
"Did it work?"
"Well, it didn't disarm him, but it distracted him. He left Lily alone, and started trying to curse me. For a moment, it was like I lost sight of what was going on. It was like I was in fifth year again, hexing Snape in the halls between classes. I tried to dodge and block his curses. I threw any curse I could think of at him." A smile flitted across his face. "By the way, thanks for letting me borrow that book of curses so much at Hogwarts. I think I ran through its entire index before Dumbledore showed up."
Sirius grinned. "I'm proud that it was used for the exact opposite of the intentions my parents had when they gave it to me."
"Yeah, they'd probably have a fit. Well, I guess it proves that they were right – I am a bad influence on you."
"James, you have been the best possible influence on me," Sirius replied, the grin sliding off his face. "You and your parents were the ones who taught me what it means to really be part of a family." He paused, and his eyes narrowed. "Voldemort has already taken my biological brother away from me. If he had taken you or Lily, I honestly don't know what I would have done. Thank God you were able to hold your own against him."
"I didn't think I would make it, Sirius," James admitted. "Once Lily recovered enough, she started fighting with me. That was when it really hit me – I was fighting Voldemort. He's killed so many people, and destroyed so many lives, but there were Lily and I, fighting him. There was so much chaos that I barely noticed the Order members arriving. Dumbledore came in and took over the battle with Voldemort. Then the Aurors got there, and Voldemort disappeared. Just like that, he was gone."
Sirius shook his head. "That's amazing," he said in awe.
"I don't really think it is," James replied. "I did what I had to do to save my life, and to protect Lily. You would have done the same."
"Yeah," Sirius said softly. "Yeah, I guess I would have."
"Do you have any more information on the attack?"
"Nothing you don't already know," Sirius stated. "But Liv and I will probably find out more tomorrow when we see Moody and Longbottom for class."
"Oh, man," James groaned. "Tomorrow's Monday, isn't it?"
"Yeah."
"I'd better owl Fudge, and tell him I won't be at work."
"How's he going to take that?" Sirius grinned.
"He's going to have to deal with it," James said harshly. "I'm not leaving Lily. Not now. Now when she's like this."
"You're doing really great with her, James."
"I'm trying," he sighed. "I just don't know what I'm supposed to do to help her."
"I don't think there's any one way to deal with someone who's grieving like this. Everyone reacts differently. You just have to be there for her, and to react to her moods as best you can – basically, to keep doing what you've been doing."
"It's hard, Sirius. It's hard to see her in such pain and to feel so helpless. It's hard to just keep giving so much support all the time." He sank down into a chair, and buried his face in his hands. "I'm a horrible person. This shouldn't be so hard for me. I'm her fiancé, for crying out loud! If I can't handle this . . ."
Sirius sat down across from him at the table. "Did you like Lily's parents?"
"Of course. They were great."
"Will you miss them?"
"Yeah, I guess I will."
"You're grieving, too. That's what's making it so hard on you." He sighed. "Do you love Lily?"
"Of course! That's a stupid question."
"I know, but bear with me. Right, so you love her. Do you want to see her in pain?"
"I already said that I don't."
"Exactly. So you're doing everything to make her feel better, and completely neglecting your own emotions. You need to worry about yourself a little bit, too. If you don't deal with this, you won't be able to help her. You know that Remus, Peter, and I are always here for you, mate. You can come to us whenever you need to talk. We'll always listen."
James smiled. "I know. You guys are incredible friends. I'd be lost without you."
"You're going to make it, James," Sirius replied. He grinned. "If you can fight Voldemort without dying, you can do anything."
The next morning found James waking in Lily's bed again. She was still asleep. Complete exhaustion had driven her to bed shortly after eight the night before. James lifted himself from the bed carefully, trying not to wake her. She desperately needed the sleep. Knowing that the pipes in the girls' flat were rather loud, James decided to wait until Lily was awake to shower. He left the bedroom, and made his way into the kitchen.
Dana and Olivia looked at him with solemn expressions as he entered the kitchen. He felt his stomach clench.
"What happened?" he asked.
Dana slid a page of newspaper at him. "We have a subscription to a Muggle paper," she explained. "Lily and I wanted it. This was in today's edition."
James picked up the page, and found himself staring at the obituaries. As he scanned the names, Evans jumped out at him.
"Lily's parents are listed?" he asked, sinking into a chair.
"Complete with calling hours and the time of the funeral," Olivia spat. "Lily's cow of a sister made all the arrangements without even asking her opinion. She's going to go through the roof when she finds out."
James read the article with a frown. "At least she had the decency to list Lily as family member."
"Probably because it would look suspicious if she didn't," Dana said bitterly. "You know how Petunia is about public opinion."
"Yeah, she's rather concerned about what people think," James replied. He put the paper down on the table. "Do you guys think Lily's ready to go to the funeral?"
"She has to be by Wednesday morning," Olivia replied.
"Well, we'll be there for her, right?"
"I should be able to get the morning off," Dana said.
"I'll do my best," Olivia said. "I think Moody will be a titch more reasonable than he usually is because Lily's an Order member."
"I hope so," James replied. "This will be hard enough for her with all of us there. Without us, I think it would be impossible."
"You're awfully dressed up. Where are you going this morning?"
Peter turned to his father with a hateful look. "To a funeral." He looked back in the mirror to straighten his tie.
Mr. Pettigrew looked at him sharply. "You're dressed as a Muggle."
"So I am," Peter said carelessly.
"What Muggle do you know that died?"
"My friend's parents," Peter replied. "They were both killed by Death Eaters." He gave his father a cold glare. "I don't care that you aren't an active Death Eater. In my mind, you're as responsible as the people who spoke the curses. We both know that you'd have far more to do with those people if Mum would let you."
"Yes, I would," Mr. Pettigrew said, completely unconcerned by his son's disapproval of his actions. "And if I had my way, you would be involved with them as well. But as it is . . . You've chosen the wrong side, Peter. I don't know how many times I'll have to say it, or how many deaths you'll have to see before you realize it. I'm disappointed in your choice, of course, but I know that you will pay for it. All decisions and actions have consequences, Peter. I just hope that you're ready to deal with the consequences you will face."
Peter picked up his wand, and slid it into his pocket. "I hope the same for you."
Mr. Pettigrew shook his head. "You'll never realize your mistakes, will you?"
"Will you realize yours?" Peter asked. "I have to go. I'm going to be late."
Without waiting for a reply, Peter Disapparated, praying that he wouldn't splinch himself. He was fairly confident with his Apparation abilities, but his high emotions made him nervous. To his immense relief, he arrived at his friends' flat in one piece.
Sirius and Remus were running around the flat, trying to dress themselves for the funeral. Peter smiled at them, remembering all the times the four boys had run around the dormitory in exactly the same fashion, trying to make it to class on time.
"Running a bit behind?" he asked.
"Don't be smug just because you're early," Sirius replied with a grin. "I can't find my shoes, and Moony's cufflinks are MIA."
"This is ridiculous," Remus sighed. He picked up his wand from the coffee table. "Accio cufflinks!"
The cufflinks flew across the room. Remus caught them with one hand, and put them down on the table with his wand. Sirius grinned, and used his own wand to summon his shoes.
"Well, at least I'm not late," Peter said. "I was worried about it."
"We really want to be on time for this one," Remus said. With his cufflinks in place, he shrugged into his jacket. "James was here earlier to get his suit. He said that Lily's a mess."
"I'm sure she is," Peter replied. "I can't even imagine what's she's going through right now. If something happened to my mum, I don't know what I'd do with myself."
He didn't make any reference to his father. Both Sirius and Remus noticed that fact, but neither pointed it out. Remus frowned slightly.
"Didn't you say that your mother was ill? Is she doing better?"
"A bit," Peter replied. "She's still pretty weak." He smiled slightly. "You know, my dad was just starting to get better, so I thought I might be able to move in with you guys, and now my mum's sick. It's like I can't win with them."
"It's not their fault that they got sick," Sirius said.
"I know," Peter sighed. His eyes narrowed. "But I'll tell you right now, I place blame on my father for what happened to Lily's parents. She's a sweet girl, and she doesn't deserve this. You would think that as an Order member . . ."
"What?" Sirius asked. "You'd think that she'd be above stuff like this?"
"Well, yeah," Peter confessed. "I mean, the point of being in the Order is that we're on the right side, isn't it? Doesn't it seem like that should guarantee us some sort of protection? Doesn't it seem like we should be safer than the average person?"
"Not really," Remus frowned. "We're still as vulnerable as we always were. We just have better defenses behind us now, that's all."
"In fact, we may be even bigger targets than we once were," Sirius mused. "Once Voldemort finds out that we're in the Order, I'm sure he'll be even more determined to bring us down."
"How could he find that out?" Peter asked, his eyes growing wide.
Sirius shrugged. "Spies. Information leaks. Observant Death Eaters who see us at battles. There's loads of ways he could know what's going on. In fact, that's part of why he's been so successful so far – he's always a step ahead of the Order and the Ministry. Trying to get the upper hand is part of what Olivia and I will do as Aurors."
Peter shivered. "I guess I never realized how exposed we are," he murmured.
"It's a risk we all agreed to take," Remus replied easily. "We knew what we were getting into, right?"
Peter nodded, but in his heart he knew he was lying. No, perhaps he hadn't really realized what he was getting into. Perhaps if he had known, things would have been different . . . Or not. Could he really have abandoned his friends like that?
"Well, we'd better go," Remus said, glancing at his watch. "We have to be at the church in fifteen minutes."
The three young wizards left their conversation behind to Apparate to the funeral home for the first part of the funeral. Their long, sad day was only beginning.
James and Lily were the first to arrive at the funeral home. Even Petunia and Vernon were absent. They had attended the two nights of visitation, which had been torturous. The hardest part for Lily had been leaving at the end of the night. She hated to leave her parents, even if she knew that their souls had left their bodies. Once she arrived at home, Dana's increasingly stronger sleeping potions were the only thing that could make her close her eyes. Even after taking the potions, she awoke every few hours, crying. James woke with her, and held her until the tears stopped. He gave her another draught of potion, and held her until she fell asleep. After two such nights, they were both exhausted. James wondered how Lily would ever make it through this day.
They spent time kneeling in front of the caskets, praying for Lily's parents' souls. Despite a lifetime of Catholicism, James wondered if the prayers were necessary. He knew that the Evanses had been good people. Surely, they were in heaven. Even so, he prayed with Lily, knowing in his heart that the majority of his prayers were for her. He prayed that she would have the strength to endure this day.
Mourners began to arrive, and James led Lily to their places in the receiving line. Petunia and Vernon came in, and stood silently next to Lily and James. Neither sister acknowledged the other's presence. James wanted to make them talk to one another, but knew it wouldn't do anyone any good.
Their friends came in, and greeted Lily with sad smiles and warm embraces. Lily clung to each of them, drawing strength from these wonderful people she was lucky enough to call her friends. She knew that they would always support her. They would always be there when she needed them. They would never let her down.
After twenty minutes, Lily turned to James. "I really can't do this."
"Do you want to sit down?" he asked.
She nodded dumbly, and he led her to a chair. She was still near Petunia, and it was still apparent that she was family, but she wasn't the center of attention anymore. James sat down next to her, and took her hand.
A man she had never seen before entered the room. He made his way to Petunia, and took her hand in greeting. After speaking with Vernon, he turned to Lily.
"Hello," he said with a sad smile. "I worked with Paul. We've been in the same department for the past fifteen years now, I guess. I really can't believe this happened. I had never even heard of carbon monoxide until I read the obituary in the paper. I'm going to get one of those detectors for my house, I can tell you that. I want my family to be safe." He paused, and looked at Lily closely. "How do you know Paul and Brenna?"
Lily looked at him blankly. She couldn't even comprehend the question, let alone formulate an answer. "I – I . . . I'm not sure."
"She's their daughter," James said quickly. "Lily Evans."
"Oh, my," the man replied, his eyes widening. "Lily, I am so sorry. Your father talked about you all the time. He always called you his little angel." He looked at James. "And you are . . .?"
"James Potter," James replied, reaching up to shake his hand. "I'm Lily's fiancé."
"Oh, yes, Paul did mention that Lily was engaged. He spoke very highly of you." He smiled sadly again. "Lily, if there's anything I can do for you, please, let me know."
"Thank you," Lily replied automatically.
The man nodded, and bent down to kiss her cheek before walking off. Even after he was gone, Lily stared straight ahead. James held her hand tightly, willing her not to go into the state of shock she had been in the night of the attack. He didn't know if he could handle that again.
James' fears were unfounded. The rest of the funeral proceeded without incident. Lily clung to him throughout the entire ceremony, and cried silent tears. People that James had never seen before offered their sympathy, which seemed to give Lily some comfort. At least she knew that she was not alone in her grief.
The hardest part of all was the burial. Lily insisted upon staying to watch her parents' coffins being lowered into the ground. She clutched James' arm, her eyes never leaving the caskets that held her parents' bodies as they were placed into the deep holes. Remus, Sirius, Peter, Dana, Olivia, and Laura watched her from a slight distance.
Once the first coffin had reached the bottom of its grave, Remus stepped forward. He picked up a clump of dirt from the side of the grave, and pressed it into Lily's hand. She looked at him for a moment, and a beam of understanding passed between them. She had to be the first to drop dirt on top of her father's coffin.
Taking James' hand, she walked to the edge of the grave, and broke the clump of dirt into smaller pieces, letting them fall on top of the casket. James held her hand tightly, trying to assess her mental state.
"I'm all right," she said softly to his unasked question. "I just – I have to do the same for my mum."
"And you will," James replied.
Again, Remus was there to give her the dirt that she threw down on her mother's coffin. She watched as the dirt crumbled in her hand, and fell to scatter across the top of the casket. She sucked in her breath quickly, trying to hold back the tears. James held her hand tightly, and ran his free hand up and down her arm. Remus stood a little behind them, giving them the space to grieve.
When they finally walked away from the gravesites, James turned to Remus. "Why did you do that?"
"We always do that in my family," Remus said with a slight shrug. "If Petunia had stayed, I would have given her dirt to do the same."
James nodded silently. It was a tragically beautiful tradition – one he hoped he would never have to be a part of.
"Lil, do you want to go out for dinner tonight?"
Lily looked over at James, who was sitting next to her on the couch. "Not really," she replied. "I'd rather just stay in."
"Do you want me to make you something to eat?"
"No, I can get it myself."
"Well, we don't have to go out for dinner. We can go out shopping, or walking in the park, or we could even go over to my place."
"No, I want to stay here."
James frowned. "Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm sure." She gave him a matching frown. "Look, James, if I'm so terribly boring, you can go home. Or you could go out with your friends. You don't have to stay here with me."
"You know I want to be with you."
"No, you don't!" she exclaimed in exasperation. "You don't want to be here! You want to be out somewhere doing something, and I've already told you that I want to stay in, so we obviously have a conflict of interests! So, you go out, and I'll stay here. That way we'll both be happy!"
James wanted to snap back at her, but he took a calming breath, remembering Dana's and Sirius' words about being whatever Lily needed. He should have known that she'd react this way. She always did anymore. "Lil, if you want to stay in, we can stay in. I don't have to go out to have fun."
"Do whatever you want, James."
"Lil, please, I just . . ."
"You just what?"
"I don't know," he sighed, running his hand through his hair.
It was true. He didn't know what to do with her anymore.
A month had passed since the day Lily's parents were buried. During that month, life had slowly returned to normal. James had returned to work, and returned to living in his own flat. He was sure that no matter how much they liked him, and appreciated all he did for Lily, Olivia and Dana were glad to be back to having "just the girls" in their place.
Even though life was going on around her, Lily could not shake herself from the depression of losing her entire family at once. She had not yet returned to work, taking her editor's promise of "all the time she needed" quite literally. She no longer worked on wedding plans. She no longer wanted to go out. She had lost interest in everything she once loved. It was as if she was completely drawing away from the life she had built for herself. She was becoming a different person.
James tried to be patient. He reminded himself of all that she had lost, and tried to put himself in her shoes. He told himself that he would not be doing much better in her position. He visited her every day, and tried to convince her to visit him. She always refused. Lily was very willing to see others in her own home, but never wanted to leave.
James was worried about her. Aside from being worried, he was more than a little annoyed with her. She didn't want to help herself, and she no longer seemed to want to accept anyone else's help. She was shutting him out, she snapped at him all the time, and he was more than a little fearful that she didn't even want to marry him anymore. He didn't mention his concerns to his friends, knowing that they would tell him he was being ridiculous. He hoped that he was, but he feared that he wasn't.
He visited her each day after work, always suggesting something they could do together. Each suggestion was met with refusal.
Not for the first time since the attack, he didn't know how to help her. If she really didn't love him anymore . . . But, no, she had to. She just had to. He just didn't know how to make her better. Feeling helpless was the thing that finally sent him over the edge. He had reached his breaking point. He couldn't deal with her anymore. He had to do something. He had to bring his Lily back, or face the pain of losing her forever. He had worked so hard to win her love. He couldn't risk losing it now.
He put his plan into motion on a Friday. He was determined to take Lily out of her house, if only for an evening. He wanted to remind her of who she was, and of the life they had been planning together. In order to do that, he needed help.
James wanted to create a romantic evening that he could share with Lily. He made arrangements with Sirius and Remus to have the flat to himself. Sirius instantly agreed to stay with Olivia for the night, and Remus planned to go to Laura's. James and Laura both took a half day off work, so that she could help him set everything up.
"What, you don't want us to help?" Sirius asked that morning as James and Laura discussed their plans.
"Like either of you could get a half day," James teased.
Sirius scowled. "Moody is a slave driver."
"Yeah, the last person who asked for an afternoon off from class only got a laugh," Remus said bitterly.
"Exactly," James replied. "Besides, Laura knows how to cook, and she's far better at creating a romantic atmosphere than either of you."
"Whoa, now," Remus laughed. "What would you know about Laura's ability to create a romantic atmosphere?"
James grinned, and shrugged. "She's a girl. All girls are good at decorating."
"First of all, stop talking about me like I'm not here!" Laura laughed. "Second, don't stereotype, James, or I won't help you!"
"You will never hear another stereotype come out of my mouth," James replied. "Will you still help?"
"I'll meet you here at noon," she promised.
By six, everything was ready. Under Laura's instruction, James had made a four-course dinner. He had set the table with enough cutlery to scare anyone in their right mind, as well as drippy candles and a vase holding a single rose. He had placed roses all around the dining room, and had lit what felt like a thousand candles to illuminate the flat.
"Excellent," Laura grinned. "James, you've done wonderfully. If this doesn't remind Lily of the life she's trying to run from, nothing will."
"I could never have done it without you," James replied. "Thank you so much, Laura. You're a lifesaver."
She grinned. "You owe me a favor."
"I know. You name it, and it's yours."
"I'll call it in another time." She glanced at her watch. "Well, Remus should be done in about fifteen minutes, so I'm heading home. Good luck!"
"Thanks," James grinned. "I'll see you later."
"Good night!"
With Laura gone, James hurried to change into his dress robes. She was right; Remus, Dana, Sirius, and Olivia would be done with their classes very soon. He wanted to have Lily out of her flat before her roommates got home. He Disapparated with a pop.
Lily looked up in surprise when James appeared in her living room. She was curled up on the sofa, wishing that she and Dana had talked Olivia into getting a television for their flat. Then again, it probably wouldn't work with all the magic in the place.
"Hey," James grinned. He crossed the room, and kissed her. "How are you?"
"All right," she replied. "You look awfully nice. What's the occasion?"
"We're going out," James grinned. He took her hand to pull her to her feet. "Come on, you have to get ready."
"What do you mean, 'we're going out?'"
"Well, maybe out is a bit much, but we're going to my place. You need to get out of here, Lil. This place is slowly sucking the life out of you."
"What do you mean?" Lily asked, her green eyes sparkling dangerously.
"I mean, you haven't left in ages!" James exclaimed. "You need to get out, Lil! You need to experience life again!"
"I'm experiencing quite enough right here!" she said, her voice rising.
"No, you aren't," James said stubbornly. "You haven't been to work in a month. I could understand that, but you haven't been anywhere else either! You haven't gone shopping, or out for lunch, or even to my place! You've been letting your life pass you by, and it's time to stop. It's time to get yourself off the couch, and to let yourself live again!"
"I like being here!" Lily yelled. "And I have gone out – I've been to church with you every Sunday, and you know that!"
"Yes, but you won't even go out for brunch afterward like we used to do!" James replied, hearing his own voice edge toward a shout. "Lily, you're destroying yourself, and I'm not about to sit back and watch you do that!"
"I am not destroying myself! I'm staying safe, and I'm keeping you safe!"
"Staying at home doesn't keep you safe! My God, Lil, your parents died at home! And if you think that you'll keep me safe by staying away from me, let me be the first to tell you that you're totally wrong. I'm in as much danger on my own as you are on your own. We don't lead safe lives, Lil. Face that now, and move on. Come home with me for dinner. You need to get out of here."
A defiant look crossed her face. "I'm not going anywhere."
"Fine!" James exploded. "I'm trying to help you, Lil, but you're really making it impossible! You're completely shutting me out, you won't talk to me like you used to, you won't even think about our wedding anymore . . . I'm starting to feel like you're throwing away our future to dwell on your past! I've dealt with it for as long as I can, Lily. You can stay here and wallow in your misery for as long as you want, but I can't do this anymore. When you're ready to live your life again, you come and find me."
"James, wait," she said, feeling tears threatening to fall.
"No," he said coldly. "Until you're ready, you can stay here alone."
He Disapparated, leaving Lily alone on her couch with tears sliding down her cheeks. She covered her face with her hands.
"What have I done?" she whispered. "What have I done?"
A/N 2: I know, evil cliffhanger. Sorry about that! Now, I just wanted to give some credit to my family for this chapter . . . Remus' family funeral traditions come from my own. My mother's family always stays at the gravesite to watch the casket being lowered, and the closest relative tosses in the first of the dirt. Also, the part when Lily didn't know how she was related to her parents is taken directly from a reaction my mom had when someone asked her how she was related to the family at her dad's funeral. Grief makes people think, say, and do crazy things . . . James and Lily are slowly learning that. Well, thanks again for reading and reviewing! I'll update as soon as I can!
I don't own Harry Potter.
Phases of Grief
"That was horrible," Remus said, running his hands over his face.
"Did you think so?" Dana asked as she followed him out of the medical tent. "I thought it was fascinating."
"You enjoyed seeing people in pain?" Remus asked as he lowered his hands.
"Not really. I mean, I don't like that they're in pain, but I'm glad that we could help them." She paused, then continued. "The Death Eaters attacked their bodies with curses. But we attacked the curses, fighting to save their bodies, and to stop the damage that they caused. Think about it, Remus – we help the Order fight the Death Eaters in more ways than any of the other members. We fight on the battlefield like everyone else, but we also fight to save the lives of the people who have been directly affected by the curses."
Remus looked at her for a moment. "You're going to be a great Healer, Dana."
She flushed. "So are you."
"No," he said, shaking his head. "You really love this. It's what you were meant to do."
"Don't you love it?"
"I love my father," Remus said quietly. "Do you see Laura anywhere?"
"No," Dana replied, a bit surprised by his sudden change of topic. "But Sirius is over there. He might know where she is."
Remus nodded. "I'll go talk to him. Are you going to stick around here for awhile, or are you leaving?"
"I'm going to look for Olivia and Lily, and then I'm going to visit Aidan. I just – I really want to see him right now."
Remus nodded in understanding. It was the same reason he wanted to find Laura. "Well, I'll see you later, then."
"Take care."
"You, too."
Remus crossed to where Sirius was standing with a Muggle – one of Vernon's relatives by the look of her. She was a large woman, and shared many of his features. As Remus approached, Sirius raised his wand, pointing it at the woman. She gasped, and tried to duck away from him. Sirius scowled.
"Hold still for two seconds, you old bag," he muttered. "Obliviate."
A dreamy look came over the woman's face as her memories left her. Sirius scowled again, then noticed Remus hovering nearby.
"Moony! Come on over! I've just finished my last memory charm."
"Memory charm?" the woman asked. "What's that? And what's that in your hand?"
"Dammit," Sirius muttered. "Guess I was wrong on that." He raised his wand again. "Obliviate."
The dreamy look returned, and Sirius directed the woman back inside the house. He turned to Remus with a relieved smile.
"That was Vernon's sister, Marge – horrible woman. I've never seen anyone be so terrified, angry, demanding, degrading, and uncooperative at the same time." He grinned. "Crouch is here – I'll bet he would have been fine with me using something stronger than a memory charm on her."
Remus laughed. "So it's true what they said about Aurors being allowed to use Unforgivables now?"
"Not quite yet, but Crouch is all for it. He's an action man; he'll have it passed through the Ministry in no time."
"Do you think it's a good idea?"
Sirius shrugged. "Not particularly. I mean, we're fighting because people are using Unforgivables against others. If we're going to use them as well, doesn't that make us no better than them?"
"I suppose so," Remus said slowly. He was rather surprised by Sirius' attitude. Most Aurors were thrilled at the prospect of being able to fight back with the same spells that they spent their lives dodging.
"I think Crouch is a little crazy," Sirius continued in a whisper. "He's completely obsessed with catching the Death Eaters. I mean, I know that's what all Aurors do, and it's what I want to spend the rest of my career doing, but he's really over the top about it." He smiled, and began talking at a normal level again. "Eh, what do I know? I'm just in training."
"I guess," Remus replied, looking at Sirius curiously.
"Are you done for the night?"
"Yeah, finally," Remus replied. "You?"
"I can't leave until Longbottom and Moody say I can. My current fear is that they won't let us leave until sometime next week. Those two have no idea how to stop working."
Remus grinned. "Is Laura still around?"
"No, she left awhile ago with James and Lily. She took them back to the girls' flat, from what I gathered." He grinned. "You know, James still doesn't know how to drive that car we bought them. I swear, that's the last time I try to give him something nice."
Remus laughed. "He's so ungrateful. After all the trouble we went through . . . I guess I should say the trouble that Laura and Dana went through . . ."
Sirius laughed. "My bank account is still feeling it, I'll have you know. I think Laura and Dana went a bit overboard."
Remus smiled again. "Look, I'm going to get out of here." He looked around the yard. "I really can't take much more of this."
"Sure, I understand," Sirius said, a concerned look crossing his face. "Are you all right to Apparate home?"
"I'm going to go to Laura's first," Remus corrected. "I'll probably Floo home from there."
"Fair enough. I'll see you later tonight, then."
Remus nodded. "See you then."
He Apparated into Laura's kitchen. She wasn't in that room; the lights were off. "Laura?" he called.
A muffled sob reached his ears. He frowned, and felt his pulse speed up. Was she in danger?
"Laura?" he said again, telling himself not to panic before he knew what was going on. "Are you all right?"
"I'm in here," Laura said, struggling to stop crying.
Remus left the kitchen, and walked into the living room. Laura was curled up in a ball on the couch, clutching her knees to her chest. Tears ran down her cheeks, adding to the streaks that were already there. Remus crossed the room in two strides, and sat down next to her, pulling her close.
She clung to him, sobbing against his chest. Her hands buried themselves in his robes, twisting the fabric as she cried out all the pain and anguish of the past day. Remus held her tightly, stroking her back and kissing her hair.
"You're all right," he said softly. "No one can hurt you now. You're fine."
"I know," she sobbed. "And that's the worst part!"
Remus frowned in complete confusion. "What?"
"Remus, do you realize how easily I could be Lily?"
Remus' frown deepened. "I'm not following you."
Laura took a deep breath, trying to calm down. "Lily is a Muggle-born witch. So am I. Lily's parents were Muggles. So are mine. Lily's sister is a Muggle. So are my siblings. Lily is going through hell right now because the Death Eaters destroyed her family. Remus, that could have been my family. I could be the one without parents. I could be the one whose siblings blame her for the destruction of everything familiar and sacred. My family could be next, Remus, and that terrifies me."
Remus held her tightly. "We're going to do everything in our power to protect you, Laura. You saw what happened today. Several Death Eaters were caught, and the Aurors will force them to give away information. We'll be able to stop some future attacks."
"But not all of them," Laura said softly.
"Laura . . ."
"I know that it could happen, Remus," she said. "Please don't try to tell me that it won't. You can't promise that, and we both know it."
"You're right," Remus said wearily. "As much as I wish I could, I can't promise that your family will stay safe. I can't promise that everything will still be fine tomorrow. But it is fine right now, Laura. You're fine, and your family is fine. It's like James always says – you have to live like there won't be a tomorrow, because you don't know for sure that there will be. We have to live in each moment, and not take anything for granted."
Laura sighed, and looked up at him. "Remus . . . that's not the worst part."
"What is, love?"
Her face crumpled. "I'm a bad person!"
"Laura, you are the farthest thing from a bad person that I can imagine! You're one of the sweetest people alive. Don't try to tell me that you're a bad person."
"I am, though. At the very least, I'm a bad friend!"
"Why do you think that?"
"Well, I just told you all my fears about my family. I was sitting here, thinking of all the terrible things that could happen, and . . . oh, God, Remus . . . I was glad that it was Lily and her family suffering! If it had to happen, I thanked God that it happened to her instead of me!"
"Laura, that does not make you a bad person! No one would want to see their family in pain. After what we've seen today, anyone would be thankful that their family is safe."
"And nine out of ten people think that werewolves are evil dark creatures who are just waiting to kill the first person they see," Laura countered. "We both know that's the farthest thing from the truth. Just because it's what everyone else thinks doesn't make it right."
"No, that's true," Remus replied slowly. "But maybe I should have phrased that better." He paused, trying to collect his thoughts. "Are you glad that Lily is suffering? Did you want to see her parents killed? Does the destruction you saw today give you a warm and fuzzy feeling?"
"No, of course not!" Laura exclaimed, horrified. "Why would you think that?"
"I don't. But I also think that if that was how you felt, you'd be a bad person. You don't want to see Lily suffer, Laura. You'd just rather . . . If it had to happen, you're glad it happened to someone other than you. Whether that someone is Lily or a random citizen is irrelevant. It's not you, and that's why you're glad." He brushed a tear from her cheek, then let his palm rest on her face. "You're a good person, and a good friend. We're all lucky to have you."
Laura turned her head to kiss his hand. "I'm lucky to have you. I love you, Remus."
"I love you."
When James awoke the next morning, Lily was still cuddled close to him. She was absently playing with his sleeve, her eyes unfocused. James watched her for a moment before she realized he was awake. He noted the dark circles under her eyes, and sighed.
"Did you sleep at all?"
Lily looked up at him in surprise. "A bit," she replied.
"Lil, you need to rest," James said. "I don't know how much longer you can go on without sleep."
Lily shook her head. "I can't sleep, James. Every time I close my eyes, I see my father's face right after the curse hit him. Without anything to distract me, I think of my mother lying completely still, and I know that she'll never move again. When it's quiet, I can hear Petunia shrieking that everything was my fault." Tears gathered in her eyes. "Don't make me sleep. Don't make me relive it again."
"But the dreamless sleep potion . . ."
"It can only do so much."
James sighed, and ran his hand through his hair. "I don't want to make you hurt anymore, Lil."
"You could never hurt me."
James smiled sadly. "Tell me how I can help you."
"Hold me. Hold me tightly, James, and don't let me go."
James complied, pulling her close. She clung to him, almost as if afraid that he would disappear if she released him. James murmured something to her. She couldn't really comprehend his words, but the sound of his voice had a calming affect. She felt herself relax in his embrace.
Neither of them was sure how long they stayed like that; however, they were eventually aware of the sounds of someone moving about the flat. James looked down at Lily, who still had her face buried in his chest.
"Do you want to go say good morning to your roommates?"
"Not yet," she said in a muffled voice. She looked up at him. "Can't we please stay here a little longer?"
"We'll stay as long as you want."
It was nearly noon by the time James and Lily made their way out of Lily's bedroom. James insisted upon showering, but Lily refused. She put on a pair of faded jeans and a t-shirt, and pulled her hair back into a ponytail. Dana and Olivia looked at her in surprise when she made her way into the living room. Lily was always so meticulous about her appearance; the other girls had always said that she was the best-dressed of the Gryffindors. Seeing her like this was an instant appraisal of her state of mind. It was as if she was crying out for help without saying a word. Dana took one look at her, and pulled her close.
"How is she?" Olivia asked James in an undertone.
"She'll make it," James replied. He ran his hand through his hair. "Have you heard from Sirius?"
"Not yet," she said. "When we left last night, he said he'd be over sometime today."
James nodded, and ran his hand over his face.
"Hey," Olivia said, touching his arm. "Are you all right?"
James shook his head, and gave her a sad smile. "How can I be anything but all right? I have to be all right for her."
Olivia looked at him for a moment. "You're a good man, James."
"No, I'm not," he replied. "I just love her. That's all."
A series of cracks filled the air as Sirius, Remus, and Laura Apparated into the girls' flat. Sirius immediately crossed to James, and clapped his hand down on his shoulder.
"How are you holding up, mate?" he asked.
James shrugged. "All right, I suppose."
Sirius looked into his eyes for a moment. "We'll talk later."
James visibly relaxed. He knew that "later," with Sirius, he would finally be able to let down his guard. "Thanks," he said with feeling.
Sirius nodded, and pulled Olivia close. Remus and Laura greeted James. After speaking with him, they crossed to Lily. Remus took her hands in his, and kissed her forehead. Although he didn't say a word, his kindness and concern were almost her undoing; she struggled to blink back her tears. Once he had stepped back, Laura leaned down to pull her into a tight embrace. Lily clung to her, trying to regain her composure. Remus moved back to where James stood with Sirius and Olivia.
"How's she doing?" he asked.
James shrugged again. "I don't know how long it'll be before she collapses from sheer exhaustion."
"She didn't sleep last night?" Remus frowned. "Dana said she gave her a sleeping potion."
"Apparently it wasn't strong enough."
"I'll ask her about it," Remus said, his frown deepening. "I can't believe she managed to fight off a sleeping potion."
"She's terrified to sleep," James said. "She said she relives everything that happened when she closes her eyes. She won't let herself fall asleep for fear that her nightmares will be worse than the reality."
Olivia shuddered. "I don't know how she can stand it."
"Neither do I," James murmured. "Neither do I."
A crack sliced through the air, and everyone jumped. When they looked up, Peter had Apparated into the living room, his face ashen. He stepped over to James, Sirius, Remus, and Olivia, and attempted to smile.
"How are you guys?" he asked.
"Holding up," James replied. "How are you?"
Peter shrugged. "This is rough."
"Yeah, it is," Sirius agreed, giving Peter an understanding look. "Having a family who's involved makes it harder."
Peter looked at Sirius with relief. He should have known that Sirius would understand the thoughts that were running through his head. "I feel so guilty," he confessed.
"Don't," James said quickly. "You had nothing to do with what happened. You were there with the rest of us, fighting against the Death Eaters and helping the victims. You're not guiltier than I am."
"Still," Peter said, "I feel like I should have done more. Maybe I should have tried harder to convince my dad that he's on the wrong side." He shrugged. "Maybe if I had managed to do that, things would have been different."
"Don't think like that," Sirius said quickly. "We were just kids when all this started, Peter. We barely knew right from wrong ourselves. How were we supposed to tell our parents what to do? And even if you had convinced him that Voldemort is evil, there would have been another Death Eater to take his place. Besides, we're doing all that we can to fix our parents' mistakes just by joining the Order. For every evil deed that they commit, we can do something to make it right again. It's like creating a balance in the cosmos."
"For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction," Remus muttered. "It applies here as much as it does in science."
"I guess you're right," Peter said quietly. "Where's Lily? I want to say hello to her."
"She's over with Laura and Dana," James said, pointing toward the couch. "I'm sure she'll be glad that you came."
Peter smiled sadly. "I don't know if anything will make her glad right now."
"No, that's true," James admitted. "But I'm sure it will help her to know that you're here."
Peter nodded, and made his way across the room to greet Lily. She looked up at him with tear-filled eyes. Without saying a word, he bent down to hug her. She clung to him for a moment, drawing comfort from his embrace.
Despite all that Sirius and Remus had said, Peter still felt partial responsibility for the events of the past day. True, he had had nothing to do with it. In fact, he had been at work when Remus had reached him with the frantic message to Apparate to Lily's parents' house immediately. It was his father's association with the Death Eaters that made him feel such guilt.
How could Sirius be content with just fighting with the Order? How could he not feel the responsibility that came with having a family member who was in league with the Dark Lord? And, really, how much did the Order do to protect its members? Lily was a member. That hadn't helped her family in the least. Wasn't there any way to avoid the guilt, and the possible death and devastation? If being an Order member didn't protect you, what would?
"Thank you so much for coming, Peter," Lily said softly.
Peter drew back, and took her hands. "If there's anything I can do for you, Lil, you'll let me know, right?"
"You know I will," Lily replied. "Right now, it's enough that you're here."
Peter gave her a sad smile. "I just wish I was here for a better reason."
"So do I," Lily whispered.
The day was slow torture for James. The eight of them stayed at the girls' flat for the entire day. Everyone's attention was focused on Lily. She did seem stronger now that she was surrounded by her friends, which convinced James that it was worth it to stay in the flat.
As far as he was concerned, Lily's improved state of mind was the only benefit to the day. He didn't want to be inside, he wanted to be out doing something. He wanted to search for those responsible for what had happened to Lily and her family, and to make them pay.
"Hey."
James looked up at the sound of Sirius' voice. "Hey."
"Do you want to talk?"
James ran his hand through his hair, and nodded. "We can't leave, though. I need to be here for Lily."
"Yeah, I know. Let's just go into the kitchen."
James glanced around the room. Lily was curled up on the couch, with her head resting on Dana's shoulder. Olivia and Laura were sitting together in a corner with Remus and Peter, talking in hushed tones. James nodded, and stood. They wouldn't be missed.
"All right," Sirius said as soon as the kitchen door closed behind them. "Talk."
James sighed. "This is killing me, Sirius."
"Seeing Lily hurt like this?" Sirius asked, leaning back against the counter.
"Yeah," James replied. "But that's not the only thing."
"What else is there?"
"Everything that happened that night!" He began pacing, his movements betraying his agitation. "Sirius, I fought Voldemort."
Sirius' eyes widened, the only sign of his surprise. His Auror training was working to help him hide his emotions. "Does anyone else know?"
"Dumbledore does, since he took over the battle when he arrived. I told my dad and Moody when they questioned me. I don't know if they told anyone else."
Sirius nodded. "What happened before we got there, James?"
James drew a deep breath. "There were dementors . . . they were the first to arrive. Lily and I drove them off, so they were the least of our concerns. Then the Death Eaters started appearing everywhere. We tried to fight them, but there were so many of them, and just the two of us . . . That's when I called you."
Sirius nodded again. "Thank God for those mirrors."
"I don't think that was quite what Remus had in mind when he gave them to us. But, it was the only way I could think of to get in touch with you – and we definitely needed help. I knew if I used my mirror, you'd be at the other end."
"What happened after you called me?" Sirius asked gently.
James shuddered. "Voldemort appeared. You know, I'd heard so much about him, but that was the first time I actually saw him. It's true, Sirius, he really does have red eyes. He's so tall, and he's so powerful . . . I couldn't believe that it was him, but neither could I deny it. Lily got into it with him – she just started screaming at him, standing up to him defiantly – she was amazing. But he didn't think so. He threw a Cruciatus at her, and she started screaming again, but this time in pain. I don't – I don't know what made me do it, but I tried to disarm him. I just – I wanted him to stop torturing Lily, and that was the only way I could think of to do it."
"Did it work?"
"Well, it didn't disarm him, but it distracted him. He left Lily alone, and started trying to curse me. For a moment, it was like I lost sight of what was going on. It was like I was in fifth year again, hexing Snape in the halls between classes. I tried to dodge and block his curses. I threw any curse I could think of at him." A smile flitted across his face. "By the way, thanks for letting me borrow that book of curses so much at Hogwarts. I think I ran through its entire index before Dumbledore showed up."
Sirius grinned. "I'm proud that it was used for the exact opposite of the intentions my parents had when they gave it to me."
"Yeah, they'd probably have a fit. Well, I guess it proves that they were right – I am a bad influence on you."
"James, you have been the best possible influence on me," Sirius replied, the grin sliding off his face. "You and your parents were the ones who taught me what it means to really be part of a family." He paused, and his eyes narrowed. "Voldemort has already taken my biological brother away from me. If he had taken you or Lily, I honestly don't know what I would have done. Thank God you were able to hold your own against him."
"I didn't think I would make it, Sirius," James admitted. "Once Lily recovered enough, she started fighting with me. That was when it really hit me – I was fighting Voldemort. He's killed so many people, and destroyed so many lives, but there were Lily and I, fighting him. There was so much chaos that I barely noticed the Order members arriving. Dumbledore came in and took over the battle with Voldemort. Then the Aurors got there, and Voldemort disappeared. Just like that, he was gone."
Sirius shook his head. "That's amazing," he said in awe.
"I don't really think it is," James replied. "I did what I had to do to save my life, and to protect Lily. You would have done the same."
"Yeah," Sirius said softly. "Yeah, I guess I would have."
"Do you have any more information on the attack?"
"Nothing you don't already know," Sirius stated. "But Liv and I will probably find out more tomorrow when we see Moody and Longbottom for class."
"Oh, man," James groaned. "Tomorrow's Monday, isn't it?"
"Yeah."
"I'd better owl Fudge, and tell him I won't be at work."
"How's he going to take that?" Sirius grinned.
"He's going to have to deal with it," James said harshly. "I'm not leaving Lily. Not now. Now when she's like this."
"You're doing really great with her, James."
"I'm trying," he sighed. "I just don't know what I'm supposed to do to help her."
"I don't think there's any one way to deal with someone who's grieving like this. Everyone reacts differently. You just have to be there for her, and to react to her moods as best you can – basically, to keep doing what you've been doing."
"It's hard, Sirius. It's hard to see her in such pain and to feel so helpless. It's hard to just keep giving so much support all the time." He sank down into a chair, and buried his face in his hands. "I'm a horrible person. This shouldn't be so hard for me. I'm her fiancé, for crying out loud! If I can't handle this . . ."
Sirius sat down across from him at the table. "Did you like Lily's parents?"
"Of course. They were great."
"Will you miss them?"
"Yeah, I guess I will."
"You're grieving, too. That's what's making it so hard on you." He sighed. "Do you love Lily?"
"Of course! That's a stupid question."
"I know, but bear with me. Right, so you love her. Do you want to see her in pain?"
"I already said that I don't."
"Exactly. So you're doing everything to make her feel better, and completely neglecting your own emotions. You need to worry about yourself a little bit, too. If you don't deal with this, you won't be able to help her. You know that Remus, Peter, and I are always here for you, mate. You can come to us whenever you need to talk. We'll always listen."
James smiled. "I know. You guys are incredible friends. I'd be lost without you."
"You're going to make it, James," Sirius replied. He grinned. "If you can fight Voldemort without dying, you can do anything."
The next morning found James waking in Lily's bed again. She was still asleep. Complete exhaustion had driven her to bed shortly after eight the night before. James lifted himself from the bed carefully, trying not to wake her. She desperately needed the sleep. Knowing that the pipes in the girls' flat were rather loud, James decided to wait until Lily was awake to shower. He left the bedroom, and made his way into the kitchen.
Dana and Olivia looked at him with solemn expressions as he entered the kitchen. He felt his stomach clench.
"What happened?" he asked.
Dana slid a page of newspaper at him. "We have a subscription to a Muggle paper," she explained. "Lily and I wanted it. This was in today's edition."
James picked up the page, and found himself staring at the obituaries. As he scanned the names, Evans jumped out at him.
"Lily's parents are listed?" he asked, sinking into a chair.
"Complete with calling hours and the time of the funeral," Olivia spat. "Lily's cow of a sister made all the arrangements without even asking her opinion. She's going to go through the roof when she finds out."
James read the article with a frown. "At least she had the decency to list Lily as family member."
"Probably because it would look suspicious if she didn't," Dana said bitterly. "You know how Petunia is about public opinion."
"Yeah, she's rather concerned about what people think," James replied. He put the paper down on the table. "Do you guys think Lily's ready to go to the funeral?"
"She has to be by Wednesday morning," Olivia replied.
"Well, we'll be there for her, right?"
"I should be able to get the morning off," Dana said.
"I'll do my best," Olivia said. "I think Moody will be a titch more reasonable than he usually is because Lily's an Order member."
"I hope so," James replied. "This will be hard enough for her with all of us there. Without us, I think it would be impossible."
"You're awfully dressed up. Where are you going this morning?"
Peter turned to his father with a hateful look. "To a funeral." He looked back in the mirror to straighten his tie.
Mr. Pettigrew looked at him sharply. "You're dressed as a Muggle."
"So I am," Peter said carelessly.
"What Muggle do you know that died?"
"My friend's parents," Peter replied. "They were both killed by Death Eaters." He gave his father a cold glare. "I don't care that you aren't an active Death Eater. In my mind, you're as responsible as the people who spoke the curses. We both know that you'd have far more to do with those people if Mum would let you."
"Yes, I would," Mr. Pettigrew said, completely unconcerned by his son's disapproval of his actions. "And if I had my way, you would be involved with them as well. But as it is . . . You've chosen the wrong side, Peter. I don't know how many times I'll have to say it, or how many deaths you'll have to see before you realize it. I'm disappointed in your choice, of course, but I know that you will pay for it. All decisions and actions have consequences, Peter. I just hope that you're ready to deal with the consequences you will face."
Peter picked up his wand, and slid it into his pocket. "I hope the same for you."
Mr. Pettigrew shook his head. "You'll never realize your mistakes, will you?"
"Will you realize yours?" Peter asked. "I have to go. I'm going to be late."
Without waiting for a reply, Peter Disapparated, praying that he wouldn't splinch himself. He was fairly confident with his Apparation abilities, but his high emotions made him nervous. To his immense relief, he arrived at his friends' flat in one piece.
Sirius and Remus were running around the flat, trying to dress themselves for the funeral. Peter smiled at them, remembering all the times the four boys had run around the dormitory in exactly the same fashion, trying to make it to class on time.
"Running a bit behind?" he asked.
"Don't be smug just because you're early," Sirius replied with a grin. "I can't find my shoes, and Moony's cufflinks are MIA."
"This is ridiculous," Remus sighed. He picked up his wand from the coffee table. "Accio cufflinks!"
The cufflinks flew across the room. Remus caught them with one hand, and put them down on the table with his wand. Sirius grinned, and used his own wand to summon his shoes.
"Well, at least I'm not late," Peter said. "I was worried about it."
"We really want to be on time for this one," Remus said. With his cufflinks in place, he shrugged into his jacket. "James was here earlier to get his suit. He said that Lily's a mess."
"I'm sure she is," Peter replied. "I can't even imagine what's she's going through right now. If something happened to my mum, I don't know what I'd do with myself."
He didn't make any reference to his father. Both Sirius and Remus noticed that fact, but neither pointed it out. Remus frowned slightly.
"Didn't you say that your mother was ill? Is she doing better?"
"A bit," Peter replied. "She's still pretty weak." He smiled slightly. "You know, my dad was just starting to get better, so I thought I might be able to move in with you guys, and now my mum's sick. It's like I can't win with them."
"It's not their fault that they got sick," Sirius said.
"I know," Peter sighed. His eyes narrowed. "But I'll tell you right now, I place blame on my father for what happened to Lily's parents. She's a sweet girl, and she doesn't deserve this. You would think that as an Order member . . ."
"What?" Sirius asked. "You'd think that she'd be above stuff like this?"
"Well, yeah," Peter confessed. "I mean, the point of being in the Order is that we're on the right side, isn't it? Doesn't it seem like that should guarantee us some sort of protection? Doesn't it seem like we should be safer than the average person?"
"Not really," Remus frowned. "We're still as vulnerable as we always were. We just have better defenses behind us now, that's all."
"In fact, we may be even bigger targets than we once were," Sirius mused. "Once Voldemort finds out that we're in the Order, I'm sure he'll be even more determined to bring us down."
"How could he find that out?" Peter asked, his eyes growing wide.
Sirius shrugged. "Spies. Information leaks. Observant Death Eaters who see us at battles. There's loads of ways he could know what's going on. In fact, that's part of why he's been so successful so far – he's always a step ahead of the Order and the Ministry. Trying to get the upper hand is part of what Olivia and I will do as Aurors."
Peter shivered. "I guess I never realized how exposed we are," he murmured.
"It's a risk we all agreed to take," Remus replied easily. "We knew what we were getting into, right?"
Peter nodded, but in his heart he knew he was lying. No, perhaps he hadn't really realized what he was getting into. Perhaps if he had known, things would have been different . . . Or not. Could he really have abandoned his friends like that?
"Well, we'd better go," Remus said, glancing at his watch. "We have to be at the church in fifteen minutes."
The three young wizards left their conversation behind to Apparate to the funeral home for the first part of the funeral. Their long, sad day was only beginning.
James and Lily were the first to arrive at the funeral home. Even Petunia and Vernon were absent. They had attended the two nights of visitation, which had been torturous. The hardest part for Lily had been leaving at the end of the night. She hated to leave her parents, even if she knew that their souls had left their bodies. Once she arrived at home, Dana's increasingly stronger sleeping potions were the only thing that could make her close her eyes. Even after taking the potions, she awoke every few hours, crying. James woke with her, and held her until the tears stopped. He gave her another draught of potion, and held her until she fell asleep. After two such nights, they were both exhausted. James wondered how Lily would ever make it through this day.
They spent time kneeling in front of the caskets, praying for Lily's parents' souls. Despite a lifetime of Catholicism, James wondered if the prayers were necessary. He knew that the Evanses had been good people. Surely, they were in heaven. Even so, he prayed with Lily, knowing in his heart that the majority of his prayers were for her. He prayed that she would have the strength to endure this day.
Mourners began to arrive, and James led Lily to their places in the receiving line. Petunia and Vernon came in, and stood silently next to Lily and James. Neither sister acknowledged the other's presence. James wanted to make them talk to one another, but knew it wouldn't do anyone any good.
Their friends came in, and greeted Lily with sad smiles and warm embraces. Lily clung to each of them, drawing strength from these wonderful people she was lucky enough to call her friends. She knew that they would always support her. They would always be there when she needed them. They would never let her down.
After twenty minutes, Lily turned to James. "I really can't do this."
"Do you want to sit down?" he asked.
She nodded dumbly, and he led her to a chair. She was still near Petunia, and it was still apparent that she was family, but she wasn't the center of attention anymore. James sat down next to her, and took her hand.
A man she had never seen before entered the room. He made his way to Petunia, and took her hand in greeting. After speaking with Vernon, he turned to Lily.
"Hello," he said with a sad smile. "I worked with Paul. We've been in the same department for the past fifteen years now, I guess. I really can't believe this happened. I had never even heard of carbon monoxide until I read the obituary in the paper. I'm going to get one of those detectors for my house, I can tell you that. I want my family to be safe." He paused, and looked at Lily closely. "How do you know Paul and Brenna?"
Lily looked at him blankly. She couldn't even comprehend the question, let alone formulate an answer. "I – I . . . I'm not sure."
"She's their daughter," James said quickly. "Lily Evans."
"Oh, my," the man replied, his eyes widening. "Lily, I am so sorry. Your father talked about you all the time. He always called you his little angel." He looked at James. "And you are . . .?"
"James Potter," James replied, reaching up to shake his hand. "I'm Lily's fiancé."
"Oh, yes, Paul did mention that Lily was engaged. He spoke very highly of you." He smiled sadly again. "Lily, if there's anything I can do for you, please, let me know."
"Thank you," Lily replied automatically.
The man nodded, and bent down to kiss her cheek before walking off. Even after he was gone, Lily stared straight ahead. James held her hand tightly, willing her not to go into the state of shock she had been in the night of the attack. He didn't know if he could handle that again.
James' fears were unfounded. The rest of the funeral proceeded without incident. Lily clung to him throughout the entire ceremony, and cried silent tears. People that James had never seen before offered their sympathy, which seemed to give Lily some comfort. At least she knew that she was not alone in her grief.
The hardest part of all was the burial. Lily insisted upon staying to watch her parents' coffins being lowered into the ground. She clutched James' arm, her eyes never leaving the caskets that held her parents' bodies as they were placed into the deep holes. Remus, Sirius, Peter, Dana, Olivia, and Laura watched her from a slight distance.
Once the first coffin had reached the bottom of its grave, Remus stepped forward. He picked up a clump of dirt from the side of the grave, and pressed it into Lily's hand. She looked at him for a moment, and a beam of understanding passed between them. She had to be the first to drop dirt on top of her father's coffin.
Taking James' hand, she walked to the edge of the grave, and broke the clump of dirt into smaller pieces, letting them fall on top of the casket. James held her hand tightly, trying to assess her mental state.
"I'm all right," she said softly to his unasked question. "I just – I have to do the same for my mum."
"And you will," James replied.
Again, Remus was there to give her the dirt that she threw down on her mother's coffin. She watched as the dirt crumbled in her hand, and fell to scatter across the top of the casket. She sucked in her breath quickly, trying to hold back the tears. James held her hand tightly, and ran his free hand up and down her arm. Remus stood a little behind them, giving them the space to grieve.
When they finally walked away from the gravesites, James turned to Remus. "Why did you do that?"
"We always do that in my family," Remus said with a slight shrug. "If Petunia had stayed, I would have given her dirt to do the same."
James nodded silently. It was a tragically beautiful tradition – one he hoped he would never have to be a part of.
"Lil, do you want to go out for dinner tonight?"
Lily looked over at James, who was sitting next to her on the couch. "Not really," she replied. "I'd rather just stay in."
"Do you want me to make you something to eat?"
"No, I can get it myself."
"Well, we don't have to go out for dinner. We can go out shopping, or walking in the park, or we could even go over to my place."
"No, I want to stay here."
James frowned. "Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm sure." She gave him a matching frown. "Look, James, if I'm so terribly boring, you can go home. Or you could go out with your friends. You don't have to stay here with me."
"You know I want to be with you."
"No, you don't!" she exclaimed in exasperation. "You don't want to be here! You want to be out somewhere doing something, and I've already told you that I want to stay in, so we obviously have a conflict of interests! So, you go out, and I'll stay here. That way we'll both be happy!"
James wanted to snap back at her, but he took a calming breath, remembering Dana's and Sirius' words about being whatever Lily needed. He should have known that she'd react this way. She always did anymore. "Lil, if you want to stay in, we can stay in. I don't have to go out to have fun."
"Do whatever you want, James."
"Lil, please, I just . . ."
"You just what?"
"I don't know," he sighed, running his hand through his hair.
It was true. He didn't know what to do with her anymore.
A month had passed since the day Lily's parents were buried. During that month, life had slowly returned to normal. James had returned to work, and returned to living in his own flat. He was sure that no matter how much they liked him, and appreciated all he did for Lily, Olivia and Dana were glad to be back to having "just the girls" in their place.
Even though life was going on around her, Lily could not shake herself from the depression of losing her entire family at once. She had not yet returned to work, taking her editor's promise of "all the time she needed" quite literally. She no longer worked on wedding plans. She no longer wanted to go out. She had lost interest in everything she once loved. It was as if she was completely drawing away from the life she had built for herself. She was becoming a different person.
James tried to be patient. He reminded himself of all that she had lost, and tried to put himself in her shoes. He told himself that he would not be doing much better in her position. He visited her every day, and tried to convince her to visit him. She always refused. Lily was very willing to see others in her own home, but never wanted to leave.
James was worried about her. Aside from being worried, he was more than a little annoyed with her. She didn't want to help herself, and she no longer seemed to want to accept anyone else's help. She was shutting him out, she snapped at him all the time, and he was more than a little fearful that she didn't even want to marry him anymore. He didn't mention his concerns to his friends, knowing that they would tell him he was being ridiculous. He hoped that he was, but he feared that he wasn't.
He visited her each day after work, always suggesting something they could do together. Each suggestion was met with refusal.
Not for the first time since the attack, he didn't know how to help her. If she really didn't love him anymore . . . But, no, she had to. She just had to. He just didn't know how to make her better. Feeling helpless was the thing that finally sent him over the edge. He had reached his breaking point. He couldn't deal with her anymore. He had to do something. He had to bring his Lily back, or face the pain of losing her forever. He had worked so hard to win her love. He couldn't risk losing it now.
He put his plan into motion on a Friday. He was determined to take Lily out of her house, if only for an evening. He wanted to remind her of who she was, and of the life they had been planning together. In order to do that, he needed help.
James wanted to create a romantic evening that he could share with Lily. He made arrangements with Sirius and Remus to have the flat to himself. Sirius instantly agreed to stay with Olivia for the night, and Remus planned to go to Laura's. James and Laura both took a half day off work, so that she could help him set everything up.
"What, you don't want us to help?" Sirius asked that morning as James and Laura discussed their plans.
"Like either of you could get a half day," James teased.
Sirius scowled. "Moody is a slave driver."
"Yeah, the last person who asked for an afternoon off from class only got a laugh," Remus said bitterly.
"Exactly," James replied. "Besides, Laura knows how to cook, and she's far better at creating a romantic atmosphere than either of you."
"Whoa, now," Remus laughed. "What would you know about Laura's ability to create a romantic atmosphere?"
James grinned, and shrugged. "She's a girl. All girls are good at decorating."
"First of all, stop talking about me like I'm not here!" Laura laughed. "Second, don't stereotype, James, or I won't help you!"
"You will never hear another stereotype come out of my mouth," James replied. "Will you still help?"
"I'll meet you here at noon," she promised.
By six, everything was ready. Under Laura's instruction, James had made a four-course dinner. He had set the table with enough cutlery to scare anyone in their right mind, as well as drippy candles and a vase holding a single rose. He had placed roses all around the dining room, and had lit what felt like a thousand candles to illuminate the flat.
"Excellent," Laura grinned. "James, you've done wonderfully. If this doesn't remind Lily of the life she's trying to run from, nothing will."
"I could never have done it without you," James replied. "Thank you so much, Laura. You're a lifesaver."
She grinned. "You owe me a favor."
"I know. You name it, and it's yours."
"I'll call it in another time." She glanced at her watch. "Well, Remus should be done in about fifteen minutes, so I'm heading home. Good luck!"
"Thanks," James grinned. "I'll see you later."
"Good night!"
With Laura gone, James hurried to change into his dress robes. She was right; Remus, Dana, Sirius, and Olivia would be done with their classes very soon. He wanted to have Lily out of her flat before her roommates got home. He Disapparated with a pop.
Lily looked up in surprise when James appeared in her living room. She was curled up on the sofa, wishing that she and Dana had talked Olivia into getting a television for their flat. Then again, it probably wouldn't work with all the magic in the place.
"Hey," James grinned. He crossed the room, and kissed her. "How are you?"
"All right," she replied. "You look awfully nice. What's the occasion?"
"We're going out," James grinned. He took her hand to pull her to her feet. "Come on, you have to get ready."
"What do you mean, 'we're going out?'"
"Well, maybe out is a bit much, but we're going to my place. You need to get out of here, Lil. This place is slowly sucking the life out of you."
"What do you mean?" Lily asked, her green eyes sparkling dangerously.
"I mean, you haven't left in ages!" James exclaimed. "You need to get out, Lil! You need to experience life again!"
"I'm experiencing quite enough right here!" she said, her voice rising.
"No, you aren't," James said stubbornly. "You haven't been to work in a month. I could understand that, but you haven't been anywhere else either! You haven't gone shopping, or out for lunch, or even to my place! You've been letting your life pass you by, and it's time to stop. It's time to get yourself off the couch, and to let yourself live again!"
"I like being here!" Lily yelled. "And I have gone out – I've been to church with you every Sunday, and you know that!"
"Yes, but you won't even go out for brunch afterward like we used to do!" James replied, hearing his own voice edge toward a shout. "Lily, you're destroying yourself, and I'm not about to sit back and watch you do that!"
"I am not destroying myself! I'm staying safe, and I'm keeping you safe!"
"Staying at home doesn't keep you safe! My God, Lil, your parents died at home! And if you think that you'll keep me safe by staying away from me, let me be the first to tell you that you're totally wrong. I'm in as much danger on my own as you are on your own. We don't lead safe lives, Lil. Face that now, and move on. Come home with me for dinner. You need to get out of here."
A defiant look crossed her face. "I'm not going anywhere."
"Fine!" James exploded. "I'm trying to help you, Lil, but you're really making it impossible! You're completely shutting me out, you won't talk to me like you used to, you won't even think about our wedding anymore . . . I'm starting to feel like you're throwing away our future to dwell on your past! I've dealt with it for as long as I can, Lily. You can stay here and wallow in your misery for as long as you want, but I can't do this anymore. When you're ready to live your life again, you come and find me."
"James, wait," she said, feeling tears threatening to fall.
"No," he said coldly. "Until you're ready, you can stay here alone."
He Disapparated, leaving Lily alone on her couch with tears sliding down her cheeks. She covered her face with her hands.
"What have I done?" she whispered. "What have I done?"
A/N 2: I know, evil cliffhanger. Sorry about that! Now, I just wanted to give some credit to my family for this chapter . . . Remus' family funeral traditions come from my own. My mother's family always stays at the gravesite to watch the casket being lowered, and the closest relative tosses in the first of the dirt. Also, the part when Lily didn't know how she was related to her parents is taken directly from a reaction my mom had when someone asked her how she was related to the family at her dad's funeral. Grief makes people think, say, and do crazy things . . . James and Lily are slowly learning that. Well, thanks again for reading and reviewing! I'll update as soon as I can!