Professor Slughorn Overdoses on Crystallized Pineapple
by the most humble fanfic authors Alex and Sasha
Note: This fanfic occurs during the course of the Half-Blood Prince. If you haven't finished it yet, WHY!
Disclaimer: Her's, not Our's.
Chapter One: The Call of the Wild
Professor Slughorn was quite satisfied with his new job. At first he was a little skeptical but then he realized that Harry Potter would be one of his students. Oh, that Harry Potter! He would go very far in life! Well, provided he didn't go down in a huge, blazing inferno in his final death match against the most powerful dark wizard the world has ever seen, and ending his career at the age of seventeen.
In keeping with tradition, Professor Slughorn often had meetings of his Slug Club, although Harry Potter did not always attend. But you know that already because after you finished reading HBP, you probably picked it up and read it again. So during one of these meetings, there was a knock at the door and Professor Slughorn went to open it. Standing there was the most hideous man he had ever seen. Behold! There stood Frito Cologne, the Post Office Man, one eye twitching, holding an enormous case of crystallized pineapple. It had a pink bow wrapped around it, and pineapple leaves at the top of the structure.
Poor Frito was straining under the weight of it all and had suddenly lost control and dropped it on his foot. Slughorn was not paying much attention to Frito's pain but had instead taken the pipe out of his mouth (for he was a sophisticated wizard) and tucked it into his velvet waistcoat- all the while being very enchanted at the unexpected gift. However, his guests looked rather confused. Hermione, who had been up until then very preoccupied with just sitting around and being in denial, now coughed and pointed to Frito, who seemed to have something else to say. Frito, a little annoyed, pulled a kazoo from his grimy pockets and gave it a toot.
A Message for dear Professor Slughorn:
For he's a jolly good fellow
Who deserves something big and yellow
He's just cooler than cool
He's the Slytherin king of Hogwarts school!
Slughorn was very flattered by this message and took the incredible-edible gift over to his desk. He knew that to properly eat and enjoy this gift, he would have to be completely alone. Large sugary confections could not be eaten in such quantities in public, as every gentleman knew.
With this in mind, Slughorn began to coax students out of his office, one by one, until only Hermione, who had sensed Slughorn's intentions, remained. She tried her best to warn her teacher about the dangers of high sugar content. She would know after all; her parents were dentists. Seriously- her birthday cake each year was made out of celery and carrot sticks. In the end Slughorn resorted to threatining his favorite student with expulsion if she didn't go away. Hermione went away, sadly and knowingly shaking her head.
As soon as she had rounded the corner, Slughorn slammed the door, locked it in every way possible, pushed a wardrobe in front of it, and ran over to his desk to hug the giant pineapple, though his arms didn't reach the full length around it. It was a beautiful moment, though not for the pineapple, who feared for its life. Slughorn pulled from the embrace and resumed his calm, cultured self and daintily tugged at the ribbon. As soon as he saw that it easily gave way, he stated quite jovialy,
"My, my, it looks like Professor Slughorn has caught the flu and will not be able to teach class today!" He then proceeded to tear at the clear plastic wrapping ravenously and then opened the case, which stood open at the hinges so that the pineapple shaped case was split in half. Slughorn tipped the case over on its side and jumped into it so that he sat in it like a bathtub, floating in pineapple chunks. He held his breath and dived under.
Slughorn emerged from the plastic case only when it was completely empty. Not a speck of sugar remained for he had carefully licked the entire case clean. He did not look at all like his usual self. One eye looked bigger than the other, his mouth hung open, his nose was as red as if he had drunk a barrel of vodka, and his hands wouldn't stop twitching. He turned towards the locked door, planning his next move.
Only one thought registered in his now greatly simplified mind: More! Like a wild animal following instincts from the most primitive and savage part of his soul, so did Slughorn dash out of his office and run towards the dungeons where he knew he kept a secret stash of crystallized pineapple. His expensive leather shoes slid on the marble floor when he reached the stairs. Several students and Professor McGonagall stared as their new Potions Master slid down the arm rail of the Grand Staircase yelling "Citric Acid!" and disappearing into the depths of Hogwarts School. Faster than you can say 'sugar high' Slughorn had run into Snape's office and unexpectedly, into Professor Snape himself. The greasy-haired man started at the sight of the man who had taking his unwanted teaching position looking rather wild.
Slughorn bared his teeth at Snape, then barked. Terrified, Snape let Slughorn run past him to his supply closet where he removed one of the numerous jars. As he backed out of his office, Snape noticed that the jar was not one of his. The thing that prompted this thought was that Slughorn had unscrewed the cap, tipped the jar over, and into his mouth poured pieces of something yellow. Slughorn then tore off his velvet smoking jacket and poured the remaining pineapple into it. He spun on his heel again and ran out of the room, but not before stuffing a handful of crystallized pineapple into Snape's mouth, patting him on the head, saying "Good boy! Sit! Heel!" and once again tearing out of the room with a sound very much like a war cry.
It was too much for Snape. In Slughorn's way, he stood perfectly still. Then...he giggled. He walked back into his office and picked up the now empty jar. On it was a label, with jagged writing in crayon. "This isn't crystallized pineapple. It's not here at all. Go away." Snape slammed it against the wall and it shattered. Stupid Slughorn...that bastard at all of the pineapple. Snape skulked back into his office, a scowl on his face. Serves him right, that dirt traitor.
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