Chapter Two: Ananas-endium Fructalis
"Professor, how are you this afternoon?" asked Professor Dumbledore from behind. Slughorn stopped in his tracks, mouth full of...oh, well you know. He didn't dare turn around but stood there like a guilty child.
"Grnmagherdr. Grrrrglenapple." he said as nonchalantly as he could. Dumbledore just smiled serenly under his half-moon glasses. Good ole' Horace, he thought. He secretly congratulated himself on his great taste in new teachers. It seemed he had always had good luck in that; Quirrel with that snazzy turban and his way with words, Lockhart and his dazzling teeth and vast knowledge, Lupin-well, Lupin was a bit of a mistake, but oh, Moody was a very good choice, even if he turned out to be Lord Voldemort's best buddy. And now Dumbledore was glad to have Snape, who was probably his best appointment yet because of his trustworthiness and fun-loving personality. So naturally, Dumbledore was pleased to see Professor Slughorn parading around the school as if he had just inhaled from an aerosol can.
Slughorn, meanwhile was contemplating how to make his escape. It came to him in a flash, but would require a rather atrocious act. Filled with sugar-sharpened remorse at his deeds, he turned around and chucked a piece of crystallized pineapple at the headmaster with all his might, hoping it would render him unconscious. An evil act, indeed, he thought. A perfectly good piece of crystallized pineapple gone to waste. Slughorn turned and ran...right into Blaise Zabini. He had just seen Blaise at his Slug Club meeting but apparently Blaise had been searching for him.
"Professor! Professor! I need to tell you something!" he said in a bragging, stereotypically Slytherin tone. Slughorn paused. Blaise looked like he was about to burst.
"I'm...a real boy!" Blaise practically shouted. He was so proud he had to run bragging to Slughorn. "But man, I feel like a woman!" Slughorn, however, was in no mood to speak to the boy, about his gender issues or anything else, so he pulled Blaise's robe over his head and ran away cackling.
He passed by the door tot he restrooms and stepped inside. Blaise wouldn't find him there. It was hard enough just to figure out which bathroom to go into. What he saw next really confused him. There was the sleek-haired blonde son-of-a-death-eather kid bawling his eyes out, his eyes all big and pathetic. When he saw Professor Slughorn enter the room though, his face brightened.
"Oh, Professor Slughorn, my Slytherin compatriot, do join me! I am composing a most delightful plan to kill Dumbledore. It's coming on quite nicely!" His lip began to tremble again, and it was obvious he was lying. Slughorn growled. One thing registered in his mind. Crying-death-eater-boy-who-wants-to-kill-one-of-the-greatest-most-benevolent-wizards-of-all-time no pineapple.
"Oh, it's frickin' useless! I'm on Plan # 348: Operation Instant Failure. I don't get why the last plan didn't work out. I mean, sure it might have been a little over-complicated what with the ketchup and the catapult and the cannibal albino midgets from New Jersey and the...Professor? Are you alright?"
At this point, Slughorn's eyes bugged out. This wimpy blonde kid was not discussing pineapple, crystallized or non, which meant that he was either truly evil or filled with a hatred for all things yellow and citrus. To Slughorn, they were the same. He raised his wand over him. The boy would learn to respect fruits, even the Gilderoy Lockhart variety.
"Ananas-endium Fructalis !" Slughorn rubbed his hands together and left the room with an air of accomplishment. On the ground stood a tiny, quivering pineapple. In between its leaves there was slick blonde hair.
Alex: Hey, Sasha, do you know what I like to do in my spare time?
Sasha: What?
Alex: Review!