Chapter Two:Annoying Questions, Open-ended and Multiple Choice.
After the bathroom incident, Slughorn began walking down the hallway at a determined pace, his walrus-like face very intent. He had not had crystallized pineapple for twenty minutes straight. This meant war. He came back to his pineapple shaped case, which had been sitting in his office dejectedly, and unscrewed the top off of it, which he took and fastened to his head with the pink ribbon that had come with the package. Now he looked very determined; as determined as a drunk trying to walk a straight line. There was one place to find that divine fruit and that was the Hogwarts kitchen.
Moving very swiftly and gracefully for a man of his age, Slughorn wound his way through the castle towards the painting of the pear. Instead of tickling it, however, he clawed at it, as a desperate carnivorous animal would at anything blocking its way. The fruit painting swung open and he staggered inside. Hundreds of little faces turned up to look at him and gasped at the menacing figure. Was the contraption on his head some sort of fashion statement?
"Do you happen to have any candied fruit, elves?" asked Horace Slughorn, in a surprisingly sane manner. However, since house elves were prevented from getting a school education by the Man (who was keeping them down, man!) they did not understand the function of commas in separating ideas in a sentence. Thus, they were very bewildered by the fact that they did not have any candied fruit elves. In fact, they had never even heard of such a thing and it sounded rather ominous to them. But they were still very eager to help their visitor.
"Sir," began one timid house elf, "are these...'elves' you speak of made of fruit or real elves?"
Slughorn stared. There was an awkward silence.
"What elves? What on earth are you talking about, you miserable creature!"
"Kreacher? Oh no no no, Sir. That's Kreacher, the elf standing over there, Sir!" the little elf smilingly tried to correct Slughorn and pointed. Slughorn huffed angrily.
"Listen, you stupid elf: I've had enough of these games! I give up with you! Surely there must be crystallized pineapple somewhere else in this castle." And with that, Professor Slughorn whisked out of the room.
The little house elf Slughorn was speaking to turned to the others, very confused and asked "Why did he call me Shirley?"
Ba dum chhhh!
In his eagerness to find more of his favorite sugary treat, Slughorn bounded up the steps, taking two at a time. As he ran, driven by dogged determination and animal instinct, he thought of how crystallized pineapple was made. Did the sugary squares reproduce by budding, like sponges, or did pineapples mate with sugar cubes? He was so involved in these thoughts that he barely noted the boy in front of him, into whom he crashed full-force.
The boy did not fall, however, for he was The Boy Who Maintained His Balance aka the Chosen One- destined to ?
A. free the Hebrews from the Egyptians and take them to the promiseland.
B. free all humans from living in a computerized dreamworld called the Matrix.
C. free the world from Lord Voldemort.
If you chose anything other than C, then you are an idiot. Anyway, moving on. Said boy didn't look as if he wanted much to be in Slughorn's presence and the feeling was mutual. Harry spoke nervously, "Um...Hello, Professor Slughorn. Wasn't that just a pity that I had Quidditch practice right when you scheduled your Slug Club meeting? I just never seem to have the luck, do I?"
While Harry was talking, something went 'ding, ding, ding!' in Slughorn's mind. It had to do with a guy named Felix. But he wasn't some sexy foreign exchange student, this time. Oh, no! This time he was a very useful potion that Harry happened to possess, ready-made. Slughorn put his hand on Harry's shoulder amicably and began, "Not a probem at all, my dear boy. Not a problem at all." With his other hand he slipped into Harry's pocket three galleons and two tickets to see the Weird Sisters, who he knew personally (just so you know).
"So, Harry," Slughorn gave a false smile. "Remember that little gift of Felix Felicis potion I made for you a couple months ago?" As he said this, Harry felt something tap him on the ear. He swirled around to see the hand on his shoulder holding a 2nd place gymnastics medal. Slughorn added, conversationally, "Go ahead, dear boy, that's for you!" whilst slipping a box of what used to be chocolate-covered crystallized pineapple and chocolate covered strawberries but what was now a box of just chocolate-covered strawberries into Harry's other pocket.
"This is all very nice, Professor but, um, I have to go...help feed Hagrikeet's pet, Pagrid...I mean Hagrid's pet parakeet...yea." He tried to look convincing, pleased with himself for his clever excuse. However, Slughorn sensed the lie immediately, because he was a smart man. He gripped Harry's shoulder painfully and when the boy looked at his teacher, Slughorn had flecks of foam at the corners of his mouth.
"Don't you get it, you idiot! I'm trying to bribe you! Gimme your bottle of Felix! NOW!"
Harry glanced nervously at the inscription on 2nd place medal.
"2nd place awarded to Raluca Petrescu? But I'm not a little girl trained from the age of two for the Olympics by overcompetitive Romanian parents who want their country to be known for more than just the Numa Numa song! What would I want this medal for anyway? "
"Well, uh..." The question really had him stumped. He actually let go of Harry's shoulder for a moment. "I...uh..you could scratch the name out? Look, I don't really care. Just give me- "
But Harry liked to ask questions when no one wanted him to. Dumbledore knew this very well and even though he just smiled serenly and answered Harry with unending patience, he was also picturing the young boy being strapped to a rocket and sent to the moon where the lack of oxygen deprived him of the capacity to ask annoying and nosy questions. And that is why Harry interrupted him now-
"Hey, Professor Slughorn- How come that's your name? I mean, you're neither a slug nor a horn. What's up with that? I think I have a right to know."
Slughorn's eyes looked like they were going to pop out of his head. But Harry's questions did not stop there. It was as if someone had shaken a champagne bottle and Slughorn had pulled the cork out. Mr. Potter's inquisitive nature had finally found its outlet.
"I'm the Chosen One, you know! I have a right to know everything! Why is Dumbledore's hand messed up? Why are Ron and Hermione in denial? To be or not to be? Why do fools fall in love? Who lives in a pineapple- "
At this, Harry was cut off by Slughorn attempting to strangle him.
"Now tell me where the damn Felix Felicis is and I'll let you live!" Out of all the garbled words, Slughorn made out one- "..socks.."
"I don't care about your laundry, boy! I- " But he had realised that the Felix must be hidden in socks at which he tore off to the Gryffindor Tower, dragging a reluctant and suffocating Harry behind him.
Now that you have finished this chapter, will you ?
A. Die
B. Join a nudist colony
C. Water your pet cactus
D. Review
Note: Be careful, there are going to be questions like this on the SAT.