Yeah, I know it's been a while. I'm really sorry, but, hey, this is finally done! YAY! Well, aw as well, I suppose. Thank you all for being so supportive in your reviews.
"When I told you to sing, Grace, I didn't mean it!" Karen yelled over the alarm, holding her hands over her ears.
"I've heard Grace singing in the shower and, believe me, this alarm is A LOT better, Kare," Jack shouted, plugging his own ears with his fingers.
"Hey! I'll have you know, I am an excellent singer!" Grace said, outraged.
"Sweetie, you have a voice that makes dogs' ears bleed," Will said gently, trying to be tactful.
"Yeah, and the dogs are the lucky ones!" Jack said. "Can't someone just shut that thing up!"
Grace walked over to the alarm's keypad on the wall and punched in her code, hitting enter. Instead of turning off the alarm, it just turned itself up a notch and the keys all turned red, the LCD screen blinking at her.
"It's locked me out!" she said in outrage, kicking the wall in frustration. "The stupid thing has locked me out!"
"Honey… no. That's just not classy, is it? Let me." Karen scooted over to the alarm on her wheeled chair and paused, staring at the box for a while. She made a thinking noise that was lost in the alarm's screeches and then reached into her purse, which was on her lap, and pulling out a Police-issue riot baton. She smiled at it before swinging it at the controller and completely smashing it. It fell to the floor, leaving only two wires sticking out of the wall. The alarm faltered and failed and Karen smiled to herself, put her baton back into her bag and scooted back over behind her desk.
"Do you actually use that for busting heads, Karen?" Will asked as the assistant languidly tucked hair behind her ear and turned a page in her magazine.
"Only Girl Scouts that try to sell me cookies. And those people who started waving cross thingies in my face and telling Satan to get out of my body… They were so nuts…" Karen smiled at the reminiscing as Grace plopped down onto her chair.
"I'm hungry," the redhead said. "I mean, like, really, really hungry. Like eating a whole cow hungry."
"Instead of just half of one?" Will asked.
Grace ignored him. "Like, wasting away hungry. Look at me. I'm skin and bones. I'm, I'm, I'm Geri Halliwell, only prettier and younger."
Jack burst into outrageous laughter that only ceased when Grace glared at him. He put a hand over his mouth. "Oh my God. You're not joking. You really think you're losing weight?"
"Do you wanna come over here and say that?" Grace demanded. "You wanna go, you fairy?"
Jack looked behind him, and then turned back to Grace, who had her hands in karate chop poses and was moving them around in front of her. "Oh, you mean me! Will someone translate, because…" He made circular gestures around his ear with his index finger and then shrugged, as if to ask, 'What can you do?'
"She wants to pull your hair and scratch you a little bit," Will said tiredly, with a heavy sigh. "Does anyone have some Tylenol?" Karen opened her mouth and raised her hand half in the air. "Does anyone but Karen have some Tylenol?"
Grace was too busy karate chopping the air to answer, and Jack was looking Grace up and down.
"Oh, yeah? Come on, bring it on, girlfriend." Jack beckoned Grace, flipping imaginary hair behind his shoulders. "Come on then, you ho."
"Slut."
"Whore."
"Bitch."
"Slag."
"Bint."
"Harlot."
"Pro."
"Trollop."
"Strumpet."
"Nice," Grace said. "Tart."
"Thank you," Jack said. "Floozy."
"Flamer."
Jack gasped and put his hand to his heart, as if deeply wounded. "Grace! How dare you insult my sexuality, you slimy hetero!"
"Queen."
"Hag."
"What… exactly do you have instead of Tylenol, Karen?" Will asked, caving.
"Well, I don't know exactly, honey, because the label fell off, but…" she opened her desk drawer, selecting a brown bottle, "these are good. Made me spend all day thinking I was a horse called Stephen."
Will pulled a face, listening to Jack squeal as Grace reached for a handful of his hair. "Give me two."
Karen was shaking out two pills onto her desk when the door suddenly burst open with a splintering of glass and the slamming of steel on plaster. The assistant squealed. "I'm innocent! That man was already lying in the road! He was already dead, I tell you! Already dead!"
Will half-expected her to turn into a bat and flap, shrieking with laughter, from the room, leaving behind her fur coat.
"Is there a problem here, officer?" Will asked of the cop that had just burst through the door. Peering through the now-broken glass, Will could see some kind of battering ram lying on the floor outside, and the two other cops who had used it.
"You're all under arrest for breaking and entering. You have the right to remain si—"
"Oh my God! That gun is just to die for. Now that's a weapon that will go with anything," Karen said, her mouth open in amazement.
"I know!" the cop said, stamping a foot. "It's it just? Can you just see what it's doing to these Guccis?"
Karen gasped in wonderment, but then cocked her head suspiciously, eyes narrowed. "What does it do to Prada?"
"Lady, until you've matched those, you haven't lived. NOW HANDS IN THE AIR!"
Karen stood up and let her coat fall from her body. She leaned backwards over her desk. "Why, officer?" She licked her lips. "Do you want to—" she kicked a leg high in the air. "—search me?"
"Uh, no, ma'am."
"Search me!" Karen yelled. "NOW!"
"I'll just search him first," the cop said, gesturing with his gun at Will.
"Oh, officer, I assure you, there's really no need—" but the cop was already patting him all over his body and Will shifted uncomfortably. "Well…"
"Do me! Do me!" Karen said, jumping up and down.
"I'll search you," a female officer said, stepping into the office.
"Shouldn't you be standing in a queue at the Home Depot? Get out of here, you les!" Karen said, waving a dismissive arm.
"Uh, officer," Will cleared his throat, "I really don't think— oh. OH."
Suddenly, Jack popped up from behind Grace's desk making choking sounds and scrabbling with the fingers wrapped around his throat. He went back down again and Grace popped up, raising her fist and punching downwards until she was suddenly gone again, replaced by Jack who had some red hair clutched in his fist.
"Oh my God! I can see the roots! GRACE IS A BRU—"
Grace's hand reached up and grabbed the back of Jack's head, slamming it into the edge of her desk. "FINISH THAT SENTENCE AND DIE!" There was a beat, and she let go of Jack's head. Jack fell to the floor. "Good morning, officer. Is there a problem here?" She batted her eyelids for effect, smiling her best smile.
"Don't try it," Karen said disgustedly. "He's a queen."
"I don't know where you get off making assumptions about my sexuality, lady, but—"
Karen pulled her top down some more. "You see these? Yeah? Well, most men are drooling on them by now. Are you? Nooooo… You can't be straight, honey. You just can't."
"Karen, maybe he doesn't find you attractive," Grace said.
Karen fell off her chair in surprise, her coat luckily breaking her fall. "I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that, honey," she said dangerously.
"THAT'S IT!" the cop yelled. "You're all under arrest for breaking and entering. You do not have to say anything, but any—"
"Breaking and entering into my own office?" Grace said, snorting. "I don't think so, officer."
"Yeah? Well, tell that to the guys that came to answer your new alarm. Tell that to the people that are going to realise that you've been looking through that desk for valuables. Tell that to the guys that realised you had crudely disabled the alarm system here. Tell that to the cop you threw a chair on — a.k.a ME!" He stabbed a finger at the cut on his head.
"My desk always looks like this!" Grace said, sighing heavily. "It's creative chaos!"
"No, sweetie, it's mess," Will pointed out gently.
Grace paused as the gravity of the situation hit her, and then looked at Karen. "He's not into these at all?" the redhead asked, pointing at her chest.
"Not a bit, honey," Karen said sadly.
Grace closed her eyes and stamped her foot, pacing around her desk. "Dammit! Look, okay. Give me a second and I can prove I own this place. I've just got to find the papers, and, and my driving licence and…"
Will saw Karen sweeping pills into a compartment in the lining of her coat as Grace accidentally knocked an entire stack of papers to the floor.
"It's here somewhere…" the designer said desperately, stepping over her floored friend on the other side of the desk.
"Cuff 'em."
"No! No, no, I, I, just give me a second…"
The two other officers were supporting the groggy Jack, whilst the first cop put handcuffs on Grace and read them their rights. Karen stood there looking bored.
"I want to call my lawyer," the assistant said. "WILL! WILL, I'M BEING ARRESTED!"
"Ow! Karen, I can't afford to buy new eardrums like you!"
The assistant was groping around on her desk behind her back and latched onto another pill bottle, slipping it into her pocket. Grace was too busy protesting her innocence to see.
"I'm going to miss my concert! I'm going to kill you, Grace!" Jack said, finally coming round some more. "Flat chest!"
"Yeah! Well I can see a BALD SPOT on you, JACK MCFARLAND," Grace yelled as they were both led out the door.
"AT LEAST MY HAIR IS NATURAL!"
"YOU'RE GOING DOWN!" Grace yelled back.
"Officer?" Karen said sweetly. "Just come over here." She motioned with her head and smiled reassuringly at him. "In my bra there's a new pair of shoes if I, say, got my own cell. As in, not put in with the crazies that just left. And a bottle of gin? How about it, huh?"
The cop pulled a face but extended his shaking hand until he was brushing Karen's top. "Silk?" he asked nervously.
"One of a kind, honey. Now. Just slip your hand in… Yeah, that's it…" The cop extracted the wad of bills Karen had put their earlier and shoved them in his pocket.
"Second base! I'm so proud of you!" Karen said in delight, sneaking another bottle of pills from the desk behind her.
"Oh, oh. Yeah. You know, if I were to share a cell with her, there's totally a new shirt in it to match the shoes," Will said, watching Karen surreptitiously stash her… stash.
The cop reached into Will's back pocket. "That's not where I keep my money."
"Oh." He didn't remove his hand.
"Breast pocket. Oh, for God's sake!" Will reached in himself and got out his wallet, throwing bills in the cop's face and then snatching up a pill bottle from Karen's desk.
They clinked bottles together and Karen smiled. "Oh, Wilma. You're learning."
And they were led out of the office and into the waiting car.
Aldrea7: — Hee. I've never heard that song. Thanks for reviewing.
addictedtowriting09: — Heh. They amuse me greatly on the show, so I'm glad I managed to get that across in my writing.
Sundown: — HEH! Thank you! It's done now, though… Sigh. Oh well. Thank you so much for reviewing.
gracieAdler: — Well, my mother is often compared to Karen by my friends and I have a couple of Graces in my life. So, heh, it all helps. Thank you so much for reviewing.
Sugar-Coated-Goodbyes: — HEH. Thank you so much.
Irene: — Heh. I know it took a while, but I managed it. Thank you!
FadeToBlack315: — Aw, thank you so much. And if you're screen name is the song I'm thinking about, I love it.
Thank you to everyone who reviewed. You've all been great to me.