Wow! I'm surprised by all the positive reviews! That's great! I feel inspired!........Hey, there's an idea! I could watch a Monty Python and Black Adder marathon! I'll do that later. Here's the next bit of the story. Oh yeah: this fic's gonna have the same amount of chapters as the first HP book.
DISCLAIMER: I still don't own Harry Potter. Hey, why do we even have to write disclaimers? It's pointless because nobody on fanfiction.net owns the stuff they write about.
HARRY POTTER: SIMPLIFIED
BOOK 1
THE SORCERER'S STONE
It is nearly ten years, eleven months, forty-seven weeks, three hours, ten minutes, eleven seconds and one codfish after Harry's drop-on-the-doorstep. As I said earlier, the Dursleys hated Harry.
HARRY: I think It's because of my name.
DUDLEY: Yeah, It's an awful name.
HARRY: Nobody asked you, you bloated squirrel.
DUDLEY: Well, at least my name isn't Harry.
HARRY: So? Who would call their kid Dudley? Is that short for Milk Dud?
Dudley punches Harry very hard.
MRS. DURSLEY: Oh Dudley dear! Come over here, you bithday boy! It's time for us to cater to your every whim, call Harry names, praise you, give you gifts, and possibly even buy you a house of your own! Hell, who cares about our needs? We'll sleep on the street! You can have the whole house! We have shredded cheese for brains!
DUDLEY: Sweet.
Dudley opens all his presents and Mrs. Dursley answers the telephone.
MRS. DURSLEY: Oh, dear. I just got off the phone with Mrs. Figg, who can't baby-sit Harry during Duddy-Wuddy-Snuddy-Luddy-Kin's trip to the zoo!
MR. DURSLEY: What about Mrs.[Insert evil-sounding name here]?
MRS. DURSLEY: She can't. Nobody can. I guess we'll have to take him with us.
MR. DURSLEY: I'm warning you, Harry! No funny business, such as removing the glass from a python cage!
HARRY: Sure. It's cool, Daddy-O.
MR. DURSLEY: Don't say that. Now let's go!
During the trip, Harry has the stupidity to mention to these people that he had a dream about a flying motorcycle.
MR. DURSLEY: MOTORCYCLES DON'T FLY!!!!
HARRY: Yeah, I know. It was a dream.
MR. DURSLEY: SHUT UP!!! You might get dangerous ideas....
HARRY: Like what?
MR. DURSLEY: Um, uh......well, that's not important! STOP TALKING!!!
Finally, they arrive at the zoo. Harry sees a gorilla that looks like Dudley, and they go to the reptile house. Harry sees a python.
PYTHON: Hi!
HARRY: Oo
PYTHON: Whassup, ma home dawgg?
HARRY: Oo You're talking....
PYTHON: Yo, dat's right! Ah can talk to ya!
HARRY: .........
PYTHON: Lemme out, please?
HARRY: Sure!
Harry suddenly imagines the glass gone, and away it goes! The python slithers away into the crowd.
RANDOM GUY: Hey, look, a python.
RANDOM GUY#2: Yep.
MR. DURSLEY: Harry you little BLEEP!!! I can't believe you went and BLEEPIN did such a BLEEP thing!!!
Later, Harry is sitting in his cupboard and he falls asleep. He thinks about how his parents died. He thinks they died in a car crash. If he tries to remember, he can remember a bright green light and a pain from the scar on his head. Yes, he still has that thing on his forehead.
HARRY: What is it? A twizzler?
Well, that's chapter 2. Hope you liked it.
DISCLAIMER: I still don't own Harry Potter. Hey, why do we even have to write disclaimers? It's pointless because nobody on fanfiction.net owns the stuff they write about.
HARRY POTTER: SIMPLIFIED
BOOK 1
THE SORCERER'S STONE
It is nearly ten years, eleven months, forty-seven weeks, three hours, ten minutes, eleven seconds and one codfish after Harry's drop-on-the-doorstep. As I said earlier, the Dursleys hated Harry.
HARRY: I think It's because of my name.
DUDLEY: Yeah, It's an awful name.
HARRY: Nobody asked you, you bloated squirrel.
DUDLEY: Well, at least my name isn't Harry.
HARRY: So? Who would call their kid Dudley? Is that short for Milk Dud?
Dudley punches Harry very hard.
MRS. DURSLEY: Oh Dudley dear! Come over here, you bithday boy! It's time for us to cater to your every whim, call Harry names, praise you, give you gifts, and possibly even buy you a house of your own! Hell, who cares about our needs? We'll sleep on the street! You can have the whole house! We have shredded cheese for brains!
DUDLEY: Sweet.
Dudley opens all his presents and Mrs. Dursley answers the telephone.
MRS. DURSLEY: Oh, dear. I just got off the phone with Mrs. Figg, who can't baby-sit Harry during Duddy-Wuddy-Snuddy-Luddy-Kin's trip to the zoo!
MR. DURSLEY: What about Mrs.[Insert evil-sounding name here]?
MRS. DURSLEY: She can't. Nobody can. I guess we'll have to take him with us.
MR. DURSLEY: I'm warning you, Harry! No funny business, such as removing the glass from a python cage!
HARRY: Sure. It's cool, Daddy-O.
MR. DURSLEY: Don't say that. Now let's go!
During the trip, Harry has the stupidity to mention to these people that he had a dream about a flying motorcycle.
MR. DURSLEY: MOTORCYCLES DON'T FLY!!!!
HARRY: Yeah, I know. It was a dream.
MR. DURSLEY: SHUT UP!!! You might get dangerous ideas....
HARRY: Like what?
MR. DURSLEY: Um, uh......well, that's not important! STOP TALKING!!!
Finally, they arrive at the zoo. Harry sees a gorilla that looks like Dudley, and they go to the reptile house. Harry sees a python.
PYTHON: Hi!
HARRY: Oo
PYTHON: Whassup, ma home dawgg?
HARRY: Oo You're talking....
PYTHON: Yo, dat's right! Ah can talk to ya!
HARRY: .........
PYTHON: Lemme out, please?
HARRY: Sure!
Harry suddenly imagines the glass gone, and away it goes! The python slithers away into the crowd.
RANDOM GUY: Hey, look, a python.
RANDOM GUY#2: Yep.
MR. DURSLEY: Harry you little BLEEP!!! I can't believe you went and BLEEPIN did such a BLEEP thing!!!
Later, Harry is sitting in his cupboard and he falls asleep. He thinks about how his parents died. He thinks they died in a car crash. If he tries to remember, he can remember a bright green light and a pain from the scar on his head. Yes, he still has that thing on his forehead.
HARRY: What is it? A twizzler?
Well, that's chapter 2. Hope you liked it.