Holy crap. I have never gotten this many reviews before. I got twelve reviews in five days! That's insane! But kinda cool, actually. So from now on, my #1 priority for updates is this fic.
DISCLAIMER: Well, better get the disclaimer over with. Idon'townharrypotter. There. I hope you sadistic fanfiction.net employees are happy. I wrote the damn disclaimer.
HARRY POTTER: SIMPLIFIED
BOOK 1
THE SORCERER'S STONE
BOOM! The person knocked again. Mr. Dursley runs into the room holding a rifle.
MR. DURSLEY: AHA! I have a rifle!
HARRY: Ya sure that's not a musket?
MR. DURSLEY: Actually, It's a 13mm-oh, shut up.
BOOM! The door falls on the floor with a thud.
DOOR: Thud.
A giant man is standing in the doorway. The same giant man that rode a flying motorcycle ten years earlier...Well, It's probably now eleven years. But that doesn't matter. The giant man had a big beard, a coat with a lotta pockets, and an umbrella.
MR. DURSLEY: You mean the umbrella with the magic wand concealed in it that I'm not supposed to know about?
HARRY: What was that?
MRS. DUSLEY: Dear...
The giant walks inside, puts the door back on, and sits on the couch.
HAGRID: Hi, Harry.
MR. DURSLEY: Go away, you big oaf!
Hagrid grabs the gun and ties it into a...balloon animal! Yay balloon animals! Hagrid gives Harry a birthday cake.
HARRY: Who are you?
MR. DURSLEY: No one! Just some cousin of my aunt's son twice removed...unic.
HAGRID: Stop quotin Sparrow. Harry, I'm Hagrid, Keeper o' Keys at 'ogwarts.
HARRY: Whose warts?
HAGRID: You don't know about Hogwarts? Didn't yeh get yer letters?
HARRY: You mean the ones they burned?
HAGRID: You mean that they 'aven't given yeh your letters?! They haven't told you that...
HARRY: That what?
HAGRID: You're a wizard, Harry.
HARRY: Uh...yeah, I knew that.
HAGRID: Oh. Well, yeh wern't supposed to.
HARRY: Oops.
HAGRID: Yeah, well, you jus sit there while I scream at thu Dursleys.
Hagrid screams at the Dursleys. When he finishes, he gives Harry his letter.
HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY
Headmaster: Albus Dumbledore
Order of Merlin, Supreme Fiddlemeister, Chigglety Snigglewump Class, Johhny
Tremain is a gay book person of ultimate super-ness, blah blah blah blah blah.
Harry, you're been accepted. Gimme your owl no later than June 31. Term begins
Sep. 1.
Yers truly, MC.
Attached is a list of crap you gotta buy for school.
HAGRID: Alright, I'll take you to buy the stuff tomorrow.
MR. DURSLEY: He isn't going.
Hagrid pulls out a missile launcher and kills Mr. Dursley. Or at least, that's what he should've done. Instead, he just calls him a muggle (non-magic person) and tells Harry why he's famous-how he survived lord voldemort and got a twizzler on his head.
HARRY: Oh, now it makes sense.
Dudley starts eating the cake. Hagrid shoots him with his umbrella wand and yells at the Dursleys some more. Then they all see a pig tail poke out of Dudley's pants. Hagrid and Harry leave.
HARRY: That was mad awesome!
HAGRID: Jus' don't tell anybody. I'm not allowed to use magic because I was expelled from school a long time ago.
HARRY: Why?
HAGRID: Shut up.
That's chapter four. If you liked it, cool. If not, I could care less.
DISCLAIMER: Well, better get the disclaimer over with. Idon'townharrypotter. There. I hope you sadistic fanfiction.net employees are happy. I wrote the damn disclaimer.
HARRY POTTER: SIMPLIFIED
BOOK 1
THE SORCERER'S STONE
BOOM! The person knocked again. Mr. Dursley runs into the room holding a rifle.
MR. DURSLEY: AHA! I have a rifle!
HARRY: Ya sure that's not a musket?
MR. DURSLEY: Actually, It's a 13mm-oh, shut up.
BOOM! The door falls on the floor with a thud.
DOOR: Thud.
A giant man is standing in the doorway. The same giant man that rode a flying motorcycle ten years earlier...Well, It's probably now eleven years. But that doesn't matter. The giant man had a big beard, a coat with a lotta pockets, and an umbrella.
MR. DURSLEY: You mean the umbrella with the magic wand concealed in it that I'm not supposed to know about?
HARRY: What was that?
MRS. DUSLEY: Dear...
The giant walks inside, puts the door back on, and sits on the couch.
HAGRID: Hi, Harry.
MR. DURSLEY: Go away, you big oaf!
Hagrid grabs the gun and ties it into a...balloon animal! Yay balloon animals! Hagrid gives Harry a birthday cake.
HARRY: Who are you?
MR. DURSLEY: No one! Just some cousin of my aunt's son twice removed...unic.
HAGRID: Stop quotin Sparrow. Harry, I'm Hagrid, Keeper o' Keys at 'ogwarts.
HARRY: Whose warts?
HAGRID: You don't know about Hogwarts? Didn't yeh get yer letters?
HARRY: You mean the ones they burned?
HAGRID: You mean that they 'aven't given yeh your letters?! They haven't told you that...
HARRY: That what?
HAGRID: You're a wizard, Harry.
HARRY: Uh...yeah, I knew that.
HAGRID: Oh. Well, yeh wern't supposed to.
HARRY: Oops.
HAGRID: Yeah, well, you jus sit there while I scream at thu Dursleys.
Hagrid screams at the Dursleys. When he finishes, he gives Harry his letter.
HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY
Headmaster: Albus Dumbledore
Order of Merlin, Supreme Fiddlemeister, Chigglety Snigglewump Class, Johhny
Tremain is a gay book person of ultimate super-ness, blah blah blah blah blah.
Harry, you're been accepted. Gimme your owl no later than June 31. Term begins
Sep. 1.
Yers truly, MC.
Attached is a list of crap you gotta buy for school.
HAGRID: Alright, I'll take you to buy the stuff tomorrow.
MR. DURSLEY: He isn't going.
Hagrid pulls out a missile launcher and kills Mr. Dursley. Or at least, that's what he should've done. Instead, he just calls him a muggle (non-magic person) and tells Harry why he's famous-how he survived lord voldemort and got a twizzler on his head.
HARRY: Oh, now it makes sense.
Dudley starts eating the cake. Hagrid shoots him with his umbrella wand and yells at the Dursleys some more. Then they all see a pig tail poke out of Dudley's pants. Hagrid and Harry leave.
HARRY: That was mad awesome!
HAGRID: Jus' don't tell anybody. I'm not allowed to use magic because I was expelled from school a long time ago.
HARRY: Why?
HAGRID: Shut up.
That's chapter four. If you liked it, cool. If not, I could care less.