John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
Now, first of all, I'd like to apologize. The sentence above is not of my own creation. I just find it funny, so I posted it here. But now, the fanfiction.net police will hunt me down and eat me unless I type up some kind of disclaimer for that sentence. So, here's the mini-disclaimer!
Disclaimer: I don't own the sentence at the top of the page.
So there we have it. I'm currently safe. Now then, I also have some other stuff I'd like to say.
1. Why is it that nobody even bothers to look at a person's profile page? As far as I know, not many people have seen mine. I know this because nobody has been calling me "High Lord Jeremy." Uh...not that my name is Jeremy! You don't know where I live either! DON'T STALK ME AT NIGHT WITH A HAMMER!!!! AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
2. I'd really appreciate if people would actually bother to log in instead of leaving anonymous reviews. Not that I have anything against anonymous reviews, but I usually like to click on the logged-in person's name who signed a review so I can go to their PROFILE PAGE and possibly READ THEIR STORIES!!!!!! And not enough people are LOGGING IN!!!!!!! ...Except DeannaSmith. She's left a signed review so many times, I know the names of a good deal of her fics by heart. (I say her because I'm pretty much positive she's a girl. Correct me if I'm wrong. Please do not sue.)
Now, let's get on with the story. Chapter 7.
DISCLAIMER: I Not be owning Harry Potter.
HARRY POTTER: SIMPLIFIED
BOOK 1
THE SORCERER'S STONE
Hagrid and the first years got off their little rowboats and walked up a massive flight of stairs. When they reached the top, Hagrid knocked.
HAGRID: Knock.
MC opened the door.
HAGRID: These are thu firs' years, Mcgonnhu....Mickonugggg.....
MC: McGonagall.
HAGRID: Geez, what a name.
MC: Geez, what a big smelly oaf you are.
HAGRID: Don't call me a big smelly oaf.
HERMIONE: But you ARE a big smelly oaf!
HAGRID: Yeah? Well, I come equipped wit' two big smelly fists that could crush your skull.
MC: Enough! Follow me through stone halls lit with torches and see the sights!
HARRY: Sights?
MC: ...And if you will look to your left, you can see magnificent marble staircases, originally developed by Flerb "the hand-wash-only" wizard of Denmark. And if you glance at the ceiling, you can-
HERMIONE: Um, shouldn't we be attending some kind of, oh I dunno...sorting ceremony?
MC: Yes. Follow me to a small, dimly lit room so I can give you your briefing.
They follow her into a small, dimly lit room so they can be briefed.
MC: welcome to Hogwarts.
RANDOM WIZARD: Whose warts?
MC: Shut it. While you are here, you will each be sorted into a house. There are four houses: Griffindor, Hufflepuff, Slytherin, and Ravenclaw.
ANOTHER RANDOM WIZARD: You mean Slytherin, the house that a lot of evil magic people went to school in?
MC: You shut it too. When you have your house, triumphs will gain you points and rule-breaking will lose you points. If you try to tap-dance with a squirrel, you will have to divide your current points by the number seven, add 42, subtract five and add the LCM of 28 and the number of current head lice you have.
HARRY: ooookaaayy....
MC: If you have any questions, you can submit it in writing form in that box behind that desk, or you can visit my web site at Mcgonagallisastupidho.com.
Mc leaves the room and several ghosts drift through a wall.
RANDOM WITCH: Hey, look at that.
RON: Yeah.
GHOSTS: Hello.
MC: Go away, ghosts.
The ghosts go away.
HERMIONE: Shouldn't we go into the great hall and get sorted?
MC: No.....that's just what they'd be expecting us to do....
(Sorry, got that from Airplane. Don't sue.)
Finally, they go to the great hall and see four long tables with...like...a LOT of people sitting at each table. At a small table at the front of the hall, there sits a small old hat. Behind the hat is a long table with seats for the teachers. At the middle seat is Albus Dumbledore. Harry suddenly saw that the ceiling was enchanted to look like the night sky outside. There were candles floating in the air above the tables. Suddenly, the small old hat began to sing. Harry and the others sat in stunned silence until the hat finished.
HAT: Alright now, what can I do you for?
One by one, each of the first years tried on the hat. The hat yelled out things like "Hufflepuff!" "Ravenclaw!" "Slytherin!" "Griffindor!" and "Tuna Salad!"
When Hermione tried it on, it sorted her into Griffindor. Ron was also sorted into Griffindor, and Draco Malfoy was sorted into Slytherin. Harry came up and put on the hat.
HARRY: Not Slytherin. Please don't sort me into Slytherin.
HAT: Why not? Ya know, maybe I should just put you there to annoy you.
HARRY: If you do, I'll make sure that you never open that little flap of yours again.
HAT: GRIFFINDOR!!!!
The Griffindor table cheered as Harry took a seat by Ron and the other perky redheads. As the last of the first years were sorted, their plates were suddenly filled with food and they all ate and drank and made merry and died. The End.
......Ok, leave out the dying. They all stuffed their faces and the Griffindor people met their resident ghost, nearly headless nick.
NHN: Yo.
GRIFFINDOR PEOPLE: Yo.
They talked a lot about magic stuff. Harry suddenly glanced up at the teacher table and saw....him. Snape, the potions teacher. Suddenly, Harry's scar burned. Then Dumbledore stood up and started talking.
DUMBLEDORE: Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Don't go to the third floor corridor if you want to live Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah.
HARRY: What a screwball.
RON: Yeah. Wonder what's with the third floor corridor.
HARRY: Dunno.
DUMBLEDORE: Let's sing.
HARRY: Is it just me or do we do that a lot here?
And so they sing...a lot. Then the Griffindors went up to a portrait of a fat lady in a pink dress.
FAT LADY: Password?
PERCY: Caput Draconis.
The portrait swings open to reveal the Griffindor common room.
HERMIONE: That's a stupid password.
FAT LADY: Hey, I didn't come up with it! Get in, you fools, before I close up.
They went into the common room and went to their dormitories. Harry drifted to sleep. He had a dream that Quirrell's turban was telling him to transfer to slytherin and Snape and Malfoy were laughing at him. Then he dreamed that he was tap-dancing with a squirrel and the house points were changing and changing... and when he woke up, he didn't remember either of the dreams.
And that was chapter seven. Chapter eight'll be up...whenever. Don't rush me. If you do, I will ensure that you will die. Have a nice summer.
Now, first of all, I'd like to apologize. The sentence above is not of my own creation. I just find it funny, so I posted it here. But now, the fanfiction.net police will hunt me down and eat me unless I type up some kind of disclaimer for that sentence. So, here's the mini-disclaimer!
Disclaimer: I don't own the sentence at the top of the page.
So there we have it. I'm currently safe. Now then, I also have some other stuff I'd like to say.
1. Why is it that nobody even bothers to look at a person's profile page? As far as I know, not many people have seen mine. I know this because nobody has been calling me "High Lord Jeremy." Uh...not that my name is Jeremy! You don't know where I live either! DON'T STALK ME AT NIGHT WITH A HAMMER!!!! AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
2. I'd really appreciate if people would actually bother to log in instead of leaving anonymous reviews. Not that I have anything against anonymous reviews, but I usually like to click on the logged-in person's name who signed a review so I can go to their PROFILE PAGE and possibly READ THEIR STORIES!!!!!! And not enough people are LOGGING IN!!!!!!! ...Except DeannaSmith. She's left a signed review so many times, I know the names of a good deal of her fics by heart. (I say her because I'm pretty much positive she's a girl. Correct me if I'm wrong. Please do not sue.)
Now, let's get on with the story. Chapter 7.
DISCLAIMER: I Not be owning Harry Potter.
HARRY POTTER: SIMPLIFIED
BOOK 1
THE SORCERER'S STONE
Hagrid and the first years got off their little rowboats and walked up a massive flight of stairs. When they reached the top, Hagrid knocked.
HAGRID: Knock.
MC opened the door.
HAGRID: These are thu firs' years, Mcgonnhu....Mickonugggg.....
MC: McGonagall.
HAGRID: Geez, what a name.
MC: Geez, what a big smelly oaf you are.
HAGRID: Don't call me a big smelly oaf.
HERMIONE: But you ARE a big smelly oaf!
HAGRID: Yeah? Well, I come equipped wit' two big smelly fists that could crush your skull.
MC: Enough! Follow me through stone halls lit with torches and see the sights!
HARRY: Sights?
MC: ...And if you will look to your left, you can see magnificent marble staircases, originally developed by Flerb "the hand-wash-only" wizard of Denmark. And if you glance at the ceiling, you can-
HERMIONE: Um, shouldn't we be attending some kind of, oh I dunno...sorting ceremony?
MC: Yes. Follow me to a small, dimly lit room so I can give you your briefing.
They follow her into a small, dimly lit room so they can be briefed.
MC: welcome to Hogwarts.
RANDOM WIZARD: Whose warts?
MC: Shut it. While you are here, you will each be sorted into a house. There are four houses: Griffindor, Hufflepuff, Slytherin, and Ravenclaw.
ANOTHER RANDOM WIZARD: You mean Slytherin, the house that a lot of evil magic people went to school in?
MC: You shut it too. When you have your house, triumphs will gain you points and rule-breaking will lose you points. If you try to tap-dance with a squirrel, you will have to divide your current points by the number seven, add 42, subtract five and add the LCM of 28 and the number of current head lice you have.
HARRY: ooookaaayy....
MC: If you have any questions, you can submit it in writing form in that box behind that desk, or you can visit my web site at Mcgonagallisastupidho.com.
Mc leaves the room and several ghosts drift through a wall.
RANDOM WITCH: Hey, look at that.
RON: Yeah.
GHOSTS: Hello.
MC: Go away, ghosts.
The ghosts go away.
HERMIONE: Shouldn't we go into the great hall and get sorted?
MC: No.....that's just what they'd be expecting us to do....
(Sorry, got that from Airplane. Don't sue.)
Finally, they go to the great hall and see four long tables with...like...a LOT of people sitting at each table. At a small table at the front of the hall, there sits a small old hat. Behind the hat is a long table with seats for the teachers. At the middle seat is Albus Dumbledore. Harry suddenly saw that the ceiling was enchanted to look like the night sky outside. There were candles floating in the air above the tables. Suddenly, the small old hat began to sing. Harry and the others sat in stunned silence until the hat finished.
HAT: Alright now, what can I do you for?
One by one, each of the first years tried on the hat. The hat yelled out things like "Hufflepuff!" "Ravenclaw!" "Slytherin!" "Griffindor!" and "Tuna Salad!"
When Hermione tried it on, it sorted her into Griffindor. Ron was also sorted into Griffindor, and Draco Malfoy was sorted into Slytherin. Harry came up and put on the hat.
HARRY: Not Slytherin. Please don't sort me into Slytherin.
HAT: Why not? Ya know, maybe I should just put you there to annoy you.
HARRY: If you do, I'll make sure that you never open that little flap of yours again.
HAT: GRIFFINDOR!!!!
The Griffindor table cheered as Harry took a seat by Ron and the other perky redheads. As the last of the first years were sorted, their plates were suddenly filled with food and they all ate and drank and made merry and died. The End.
......Ok, leave out the dying. They all stuffed their faces and the Griffindor people met their resident ghost, nearly headless nick.
NHN: Yo.
GRIFFINDOR PEOPLE: Yo.
They talked a lot about magic stuff. Harry suddenly glanced up at the teacher table and saw....him. Snape, the potions teacher. Suddenly, Harry's scar burned. Then Dumbledore stood up and started talking.
DUMBLEDORE: Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Don't go to the third floor corridor if you want to live Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah.
HARRY: What a screwball.
RON: Yeah. Wonder what's with the third floor corridor.
HARRY: Dunno.
DUMBLEDORE: Let's sing.
HARRY: Is it just me or do we do that a lot here?
And so they sing...a lot. Then the Griffindors went up to a portrait of a fat lady in a pink dress.
FAT LADY: Password?
PERCY: Caput Draconis.
The portrait swings open to reveal the Griffindor common room.
HERMIONE: That's a stupid password.
FAT LADY: Hey, I didn't come up with it! Get in, you fools, before I close up.
They went into the common room and went to their dormitories. Harry drifted to sleep. He had a dream that Quirrell's turban was telling him to transfer to slytherin and Snape and Malfoy were laughing at him. Then he dreamed that he was tap-dancing with a squirrel and the house points were changing and changing... and when he woke up, he didn't remember either of the dreams.
And that was chapter seven. Chapter eight'll be up...whenever. Don't rush me. If you do, I will ensure that you will die. Have a nice summer.