Yessiree, so now I'ma do that thing I do with the words and the potter and the writing and the disclaiming. Speaking of which:
DISCLAIMER: Own Harry Potter, I do not. Talking like Yoda, I love. The movie Titanic (which own I do not) I hate.
HARRY POTTER: SIMPLIFIED
BOOK 1
THE SORCERER'S STONE
We join our hero, Harry J. Potter, as he continues on his quest!
HARRY: What quest? And...my middle name doesn't start with a J!
Oh, but it does!
HARRY: Does not! My middle name starts with a 7!
...A 7?
HARRY: Yes, a 7! Boy, you must feel stupid right now! Getting my middle initial wrong; what a moron you are.
Um...suuure. Tell me, your mother and father, were they...um...I dunno...mentally ill?
HARRY: Why yes, how did you know?
Never mind, Mr. 7. Never mind. Anyways, let's continue our story, shall we?
HARRY: Okey-dokey.
Don't say that. Now, Harry, your Quidditch season has begun! You'll get to fly around on a broom and try to find a tiny little flying thing while avoiding being clobbered by various objects.
HARRY: Like what?
A quaffle ball, bludgers, other players, Dick Cheney...
HARRY: Sounds like fun!
RON: Sure does!
HARRY: Aah! Where the heck did you come from?
RON: Well, Harry, when a mommy witch and a daddy wizard-
HERMIONE: Let's not go there!
NEVILLE: What's going on?
RON: We're teaching Harry about the birds and the bees.
NEVILLE: That whole birds and the bees thing doesn't make sense. Wouldn't a bird eat a bee? And wouldn't a bee sting a bird?
RON: Neville, Neville,...you see, when a mommy witch and-
HERMIONE: No! Stop it, Ron. You'll scare the little vegetable.
NEVILLE: I'm not a bloody vegetable!
SNAPE: Yes, you are.
HARRY: Where the heck did YOU come from?
SNAPE: You see, when a mommy witch and a da-
HERMIONE: KNOCK IT OFF!
HARRY: Hey, Snapey, why are you limping?
SNAPE: That's none of your business, Potter. And don't call me "Snapey." 26 points from Griffindor!
With that, Snape hobbles away. When Harry follows him for reasons that exist only in the book, he sees that Snapey's leg is bloody and mangled, as if some large 3-headed dog had used it as a chew toy. Harry runs back to tell Hermione and Ron the urgent news! (Neville's not here. Maybe he's out somewhere peeing himself, who knows)
HARRY: I have urgent news!
RON AND HERMIONE: What!
HARRY: 3-Headed Chew Toy would be an awesome name for a rock band!
And so the three of them form the rock band, 3-Headed Chew Toy, but first Harry tells them the OTHER important news!
HARRY: Snapey boy was trying to sneak past the 3-headed dog at Halloweeen!
RON: Rock on.
HERMIONE: But then what's the dog guarding?
HARRY: I don't know. I just don't know.
The next morning, Harry got ready for his first Quidditch match. Wood gave them a pep talk, and Harry got onto his Nimbus 2,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 racing broom. They flew into the air and faced the Slytherin team, a team made up entirely of genetically mutated, gigantic thugs, all named Igor.
HOOCH: I'M STILL SPEAKING IN CAPS! IS'NT THAT COOL? LET THE GAME BEGIN!
After a high speed, computer generated display of a bunch of kids on brooms throwing balls at each other, Harry's broom goes haywire.
HARRY: Help! My broom's gone haywire! Hermione, look into your binoculars and find Snapey, who appears to be muttering a curse, however you can see Quirrel on the corner of the screen, also muttering. But remember to focus only on Snapey! Then secretly go set his robes on fire and make him jump up, knocking Quirrel down in the process!
HERMIONE: Um, ok...
Hermione does just what Harry said, and before long, Potter is back on his broom.
HARRY: gasp! The Snitch! I must catch it!
Harry zooms away after the little gold ball from Hades. However, the Slytherin seeker had also seen the Snitch, and they raced neck and neck toward it. Down toward the field, Harry pulled up and stood on his broom, following the snitch. At the last second, Harry tripped and fell. When he stood up, he choked and gagged, then spit out the gold demon ball.
HARRY: I feel faint!
Harry faints, and wakes up to see the face of Professor Gilderoy Lockhart.
LOCKHART: Don't worry, Harry, this won't hurt much.
HARRY: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! Wait! We just skipped a book!
Harry wakes up on the Quidditch field. Griffindor fans pick Harry up and carry him to Hagrid's hut, where he gets some tea.
HAGRID: Now, kids, Snape's a good person. He's not about to take what's under fluffy the three-headed dog.
HARRY: Well, what is fluffy guarding?
HAGRID: That's only between Dumbledore, Nicholas Cage, Leonardo DeCaprio, Sean Connery, Eric Idle, Dave Barry, and Nicholas Flamel.
HARRY: Oh, so there's someone called Nicholas Flamel involved in this?
HAGRID: Perhaps I've said too much. Now, Harry, I've decided to teach you about something called, "The Birds And The Bees"
END OF CHAPTER 11.
And as my final remark:
Don't do drugs! Stay in school! Suicide is a bad thing to do!