Ok, I'm sitting at home right now on a Saturday right now and right now, I have nothing better to do than to update my fanfic. Right now.
So, without further adeau...adoo, however you spell it,
Chapter 12! THE MIRROR OF ERISED!
DISCLAIMER: As far as you nerds know, I could own the whole freakin planet. But I do not own this... howdoyousay... "Harry Potter"
HARRY POTTER: SIMPLIFIED
BOOK 1
THE SORCERER'S STONE
HARRY, RON, & HERMIONE: Oh, Christmas is coming and Neville's really fat! Let's all gather round and hit him with a bat!
NEVILLE: Hey! I'm not fat, I'm big boned!
HARRY: Yep. REALLY big boned. Really really really really REALLY big boned. Really-
NEVILLE: Knock it off, scar head!
Neville punches Harry so hard, Harry's face breaks and dribbles onto the floor in the form of a green ooze.
No, just kidding. Neville's too much of a wimp to do that. Instead, Neville runs off, crying.
HARRY: Now, let's go to our next exciting class!
HERMIONE: You mean potions? That's not exciting.
HARRY: Potions? I thought we had Herbology next! Noooooooo!
Later in potions class...
MALFOY: Instead of my normal methods of cleverly dissing Harry, I'm going to outright call Harry several profane names in the middle of the class!
Malfoy does so, very loudly.
HARRY: Snapey! Oh, SNAPEY! Did you hear what Malfoy called me?
SNAPE: Yes. His words were inexcusable. Malfoy!
MALFOY: Yeah?
SNAPE: There are much more interesting profanities to be calling Harry! Here's an example.
Snape calls Harry several interesting profane names, as well as makes fun of him because he has to stay at Hogwarts for Christmas. After potions class, Harry, Ron and Hermione head down to the library.
HERMIONE: Oooh! The library! I love this place! Books books books! So much fun! Yaaaaaay!
HARRY & RON: Oo
HERMIONE: Stop giving me computer keyboard generated looks and help me research Nicholas Flamel!
They searched everywhere for information on Nicky Flam, but found nothing. The only place they didn't check was the restricted section. This part of the library contained shelves of dark magic and evil books.
HERMIONE: It's physically impossible to lick your elbow.
HARRY: What the... Stop getting off topic!
HERMIONE: When you bend you hand back, a little bump appears on your wrist that feels liquidy when you poke it.
HARRY:...Anyways...we need a signed note from a teacher to get into the restricted section. That bites.
RON: OK, I haven't said anything since the song at the beginning of the chapter! I'm going to talk now!
Later, at the common room...
RON: Hey, wait! I-
Later, outside in the dark forest...
RON: Knock it o-
Back at the common room...
RON: Never mind.
HARRY: Now, we have the whole common room to ourselves, since everybody else, including Hermione and Neville, went home for Christmas.
RON: Cool. Now, I'm gonna teach you how to play wizard chess! See this little piece? This is called a pawn. This is a bishop. This is a pope. This is a knight, this is a rook, this is a rudebaga, this is a queen, this is a king, and this is a lawyer.
HARRY: What's the lawyer for?
RON: If your pawns need to file lawsuits.
HARRY: Ah. I see.
Ron continued to tutor Harry on wizard chess right up till Christmas Eve. At that point, they hit the hay. No, literally. They actually hit the hay. Maybe there was a cow in the dormitories or something.
Anyway, the next morning, Harry awoke the find presents at the foot of his haystack.
little side note here. Have you ever noticed that Harry rarely gives anybody else presents? What a selfish little -bleep- he is!
RON: What a selfish little bleep you are!
HARRY: PRESENTS FOR ME! Presentspresentspresentspresents... It's...A CELL PHONE!
RON: I got a sweater.
HARRY: And I got.. A NEW CAR!
RON: I got candy.
HARRY: My very own CRUISE LINE! Hoorah!
RON: Lucky you.
HARRY: Omigawsh! A piece of...cloth...
HERMIONE: That's an invisibility cloak! If you wear it, you become invisible.
RON: Where the heck did you come from!
HERMIONE: When a mommy witch and a daddy wizard-
HARRY: Hey, that was last chapter!
HERMIONE: Oh. Um. Bye then.
RON: So then, Harry, with your new cloak, you can sneak around unseen!
HARRY: But who sent it?
RON: I'm not supposed to know this yet, but this is given to you by Albus Dumbledore. This belonged to your Daddy before he died.
HARRY: Ah. But of course, we have no idea about this right now.
RON: Exactly.
That night, there was a Christmas feast. Hagrid got drunk, Dumbledore wore women's clothing...in other words, nothing new.
Later that night, Harry donned his cloak when everyone else went to bed. H crept out of the Gryffindor tower and approached the restricted section of the library. To Harry's stupidity, he opened a screaming book, which started to- here's a surprise- scream very loudly.
HARRY: Oh crap.
FILCH: Fee Fi Fo Fum! I'm high on drugs and liquor and rum! If I catch a student I'll bite off their thumb! Fee Fi Fo Fum!
Harry, invisible, flees like a rat from a toaster down the hallways, escaping from Filch and hiding in an old, unused classroom.
HARRY: Oh my goodness gracious me! There's a mirror at the end of this room!
In the mirror, instead of his reflection, Harry saw the Bush administration! Dubya, Rice, etc.
HARRY: It's so horrible! I need to show Ron!
Harry ran back and woke up Ron. The two of them, hiding under the cloak, found the room again.
HARRY: See? See? The whole Bush administration!
RON: What are you talking about? I see the Clinton administration.
For the next few nights, Harry returned to gawk at the mirror and the politicians it showed. Finally, one night...
DUMBLEDORE: Harry, this is the mirror of Erised.
HARRY: Ack! Where the- I didn't see you there.
DUMBLEDORE: This mirror shows us politicians, and nothing more. Desirable as the mirror is, I must ask to never to come back to see it. It will be moved to a new location anyway.
HARRY: And what do you see in the mirror?
DUMBLEDORE: I see Nixon AND Reagan.
HARRY: Woah. Thats's deep.
END of Chapter.
I'm hungry. Need food. Beef jerkey!