Disclaimer: See first chapter.
You people have such little confidence in me!
Kiss
Chapter IIII- Enigmatic Redheads
Oh, Gods above, I think I actually, truly love him. Not in that adolescent, love-struck teenage way, where tiny choirs of angels sing in your ears and the sun never seems to set. No, somehow, it seems so much more heartbreaking and mature, where he smiles softly, and I return it, dreading to speak to him and let him realize how imperfect I really am. It feels like there's something between the two of us, something solid and warm, and unbelievably real.
The only problem is how to believe that it could happen. After Robert and I broke up, after years and years of friendship and love, could I really just let myself tumble over myself for James? We had been enemies for so long, until Elladora befriended him after a short tryst, after he gave me that childish, stupid utterly adorable present, last Valentines day, when Robert and I had a fight.
Oh Gosh, why was everything so hard to understand?
It was the first sunny day in weeks. The sheets of snow and rain, cold, frosty weather and overcast, gloomy days had been stolen away to be replaced with sunlit, yet still cold spring daytimes. Many a Hogwarts student meandered around outside, laughing gaily and playing childish games, or lounging around on the soft grass, soaking up the sun's golden rays.
Lily Evans was not one of those students. Instead, the shockingly red-haired girl had seated herself firmly in the library, her bright hair pulled up strictly, away from her face and towers of dusty books surrounding her study area. Impossibly green eyes scanned her parchment, carefully rechecking her spelling and grammar for the faintest mistake.
She had always been a perfectionist.
Silently, she sneaked a quick look out the stain glass window near her seat, before she guiltily turned back to her assignment, blushing fiercely, even though there was not a living soul near her to see this irregular act. For once in her seventeen years, Lily Evans couldn't focus on her work.
She hadn't the foggiest idea why, of course, even though a nagging thought kept crossing her mind. It was better to ignore troublesome thoughts, then to admit to them and cause a revolution. Not that her opinion, much less her consideration, mattered greatly, though.
Idly, she noticed that her lilac nail polish was chipped in several places quite badly, to points where it was practically gone. She would have to repaint her nails today. Maybe she could nab Elladora's new peach one…
Shaking away any residual, lingering indolent thoughts, Lily dipped her snowy owl feather quill into her inkwell, stirring it in the thick liquid for a few brief moments, before slipping it out and continuing with her essay.
An hour passed, wasted with a difficult Transfiguration article that she still didn't understand the slightest. Long, tedious notes decorated sheets upon sheets of parchment, yet they seemed to have been copied right from multiple textbooks, their meaningful knowledge not being absorbed by the reader.
Finally, Lily signed her name with a flourish at the top of the first sheet, taking some extra time to dot her i's with little stars. She felt horribly flushed, and her sweater was plastered to her upper body, smelling like sweat and perfume merged together into a poisonous stench. A curly strand of her hair was stuck down the side of her face, along her delicate jaw line.
She felt sick.
Oh, fuck that all. She sighed unhappily, quickly shoving all her things into her bag, not bothering for any sort of order, and stood up suddenly, knocking over the heavy chair with her sudden movement. The sound of wood against wood made a sharp resound in the room, and Lily could already hear the shuffling steps of the librarian coming to investigate the crash.
She really didn't want to deal with it. Ignoring the fact that normally she would clean up the mess and apologize profusely to the kindly librarian, Lily quickly darted out the side entrance, eager to get outside and away from the thick, sweltering heat that encased the library.
It took her a while to realize she was probably the only person inside on such a lovely day. Alone, like this, was dangerous for people like her. It left them alone with their thoughts, without anything or anyone to draw attention from her and help her ward away the vexing feelings.
They were the kind of thoughts that occupied your every brain cell, taking over your train of thought, twisting your sense of right and wrong, making you into something that you never wanted to be.
And now it felt as if they were going to suffocate her.
Everything that she wanted to do, wanted to say were going to engulf her, compressing her into this small space where air was difficult to come by. Lily wanted so urgently, so wholly to act like nothing was going on inside of her, as if she really wasn't experiencing emotional turmoil, but it felt as if that feat was impossible.
James Potter was going to kill her. She felt so pathetic, as if she was a slobbering puppy, an absentminded fool, watching the hero and heroine get whisked away into some whirlwind romance, leaving her behind to watch, to envision, yet never experience.
And she had to settle with being the dreamer, the wish-upon-a-star aspirant, the best friend, the confidant. Robert had offered her a second chance, a third, and she pushed him away, convinced that James loved her, that he had to. Wasn't that how all fairy-tales were?
She was outside now, the cool air meeting her hot face. She continued storming towards where anyone was, someone was. She needed to talk, she needed to vent to that someone, rant about how her heart felt as if it were being torn out. She stumbled over some kid's book, his angry shout following her sure stride, ignoring anything and everything.
She was going somewhere.
Now all she had to do was figure out was where.
.x.
Lily wasn't sure how it had happened. But, all of a sudden, she had found herself face-first, buried in the grass, her hair strewn all over the place and James Potter's stomach underneath hers, solid and warm. It was quite the experience. Apparently, he thought so as well.
"Merlin, Lily, can't get anymore clumsier, can you?" He snickered, yet not in an unfriendly, malicious manner, but more in an adoring, teasing way.
Still, she felt incredibly embarrassed. She had tripped over a small, jagged rock, of all things.
"Oh, shut it, Potter, it's not that hilarious." She grumbled, struggling to her knees. She noticed with a faraway interest that her right elbow was scraped badly, bleeding a bright crimson, staining James' shirt. Not that he cared much.
"Actually, I beg to differ. It is."
She rolled her eyes, yet privately inhaling his musky masculine scent. She joined him, sitting back to back with him, knees pulled up to her chest protectively.
He made her feel so good sometimes, that it didn't ever matter what was going on in the world. All that mattered was that he was there, beside her. Suddenly, that nagging though returned to her, leaping out into her vision. And, unthinkingly, she blurted out,
"James, do you like Kali?"
Oh holy…she winced as he turned around to face her, his eyebrows disappearing into his messy mop of hair. "Kali? Where'd you get that from?"
"Erlack," what in god's name had she just said? "No reason, it's just I saw you with her yesterday, and you were planning to go to Hogsmeade with her… and I thought, well, you know?"
"No, Lily, I don't know. She asked me, and since I didn't make a date with anyone, I decided to go with her. No big deal. She's too goddamn annoying anyways. Evans, you're insane."
"Wait. Really?" Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit.
"Yes, you are insane. You've finally come to face it." He looked dreadfully amused now.
"No, goddamnit, Potter, you know what I mean."
He rolled his eyes. "Merlin, Evans, what's gotten into you? I don't bloody fancy Kali. Gah, I don't know where you people come up with this stuff."
Lily was too shocked to say anything. Suddenly, everything seemed to appear so much clearer and brighter. Happier. Oh thank you, she prayed, gulping back any screams of glee. She had no idea to who she was praying to, but apparently someone had looked into her sorry care.
She now had a chance. She always had had a chance.
The only thing that was stopping her now was herself.
And that was the hardest obstacle to overstep.
.x.
They had been sitting here for hours, like she and Elladora used to when they were younger. Like everyone used to when they were younger, when there was the time to just lounge around and talk about nothing in particular.
After her explosion and his initial amusement, she had quickly excused herself and had stammered out some harebrained, half-baked excuse that James surely did not believe. But Lily was too ecstatic to care, too gleeful to give it a thought. Somewhere along the first hour, James had threaded his hand in hers, inspecting her polish and helping her chip it off, both laughing pointlessly.
This was why she loved being near him. It just felt so relaxed, while sometimes it was just one long roller-coaster ride, with steep hills and loop-de-loops. He made her head spin with his dizzy, alluring smile and he sent places she never knew existed with a brief squeeze of a hand.
But, still, she couldn't help but feel a bit anxious and insecure. She knew it was a silly thought, but around James, things she tried to keep hidden under the surface burst out, threatening to detonate in her face if she didn't rectify them.
She knew what he thought of Kali, but what did he think of her? Did he think she was an ugly wench, or a cute acquaintance? James was too perplexing for his own good, she decided, as she slipped her head onto his shoulder, trying to focus on anything but her own faults.
What if she just asked? Briefly, offhandedly, as if it were nothing but a question to break the silence. He wouldn't suspect anything, would he? Oh, god, she hoped he wouldn't.
Finally, she shut her eyes and readied herself for the harsh truth or an impersonal, pitying lie. "James… do you think I'm pretty?"
She had asked herself the same question many times before herself, staring at her reflection and noting every single flaw and abnormality. She could even sometimes go to such distances that Elladora would call her a narcissist and chase her out of the bath, shoving her to class impatiently.
Lily supposed she was tolerable, as standards go. Her hair was a pretty colour, though it was much too curly and frizzy to be called beautiful. Her face was nice, heart-shaped with pale, creamy skin she had inherited from her mum, though the freckles did ruin the entire effect. Her nose was average, as were her eyebrows. Her eyes were a bit too big for her face and her lips were peculiarly shaped, her upper lip bigger then her bottom.
"Lily, why wouldn't I?" He sounded confused, tinged with a touch of irritation and astonishment. "You're stunning. Wait- why? Did someone say something? Who was it?"
"Nothing," she snapped, upset, "I was just asking, you don't need to get overprotective on me. I was just curious."
James looked eternally baffled. "Bloody hell, Lils, where do you think up these stupid questions? You're… just amazing, you know that?"
"Amazing?" She didn't bother attempting to raise an eyebrow; she already knew that she would fail.
"You're so surprising. I always thought I knew you, had you marked down as Perfect Prefect Lily Evans, who had a stick stuck up her arse so high that she forgot it was there."
"You were always so bossy and demanding, and I loved asking you out to piss you off, it was so goddamn funny to see you stomp off in typical redhead fashion. And then you went and proved me wrong. You're such a fucking enigma, you know that?"
She stared at him, open-mouthed and fully shocked. He thought that about… her? Clumsy, clueless Lily who always blurted out the wrong things at the worst possible times. Jesus, what the hell was wrong with him?
James was looking at her, waiting for any sign of what she thought, felt, wanted to say. She couldn't manage to say anything at the moment. It felt as if that was one largely unfeasible act.
Finally, she whispered. "I'm still bossy and demanding, you know? I'm not trying to be something interesting, I'm really not! I'm just plain, boring Lily Evans, that can't do anything right."
"Do you really think that?"
"Yes, trust me Potter, I know myself better than you do. I've lived with myself longer than you have,"
Sarcastic. "Oh, really?"
"Yeah." Equally cynical.
"Well, there's your first mistake."
"How?" She wasn't going to back down this time.
"Because you're the most amazing person I've ever met."
That left her speechless.
.x.
Gah, you people have so little trust in me. I said it once, I'll say it twice. There will be no James/Kali pairing; however briefly. Their "love" is all a figment of the overactive imagination of Lily Evans. I hate Kali more than you guys do, but she's necessary.
Btw, I'm especially happy that all of you like Lily, flawed as she is. And all those reviews. Yes, I especially adore the reviews.
They seriously make my day. And make me write at speeds that make my fingers ache.
Well, what'd you think? C'mon, don't be shy! Review!