Disclaimer: See Chapter One.
Kiss
Chapter VI- Like a Drug
I feel so dizzy. As if the worlds gone off orbit and it's spinning at speeds that aren't possible, tossing me around like some lifeless rag doll. But I feel good. Like I've accomplished what I set out to do. But where do I go from here? Will I stumble to stop, when this merry-go-round of emotions will stop spinning? Will the blur of colours that has begun to become my life appear clearer? Will everything begin to make sense?
When seventh-year started out, I was seventeen, young and utterly doomed to failure. Now, I feel as if I've aged twenty years, gained a lifetime of knowledge, and at last begun to live. For the first time. I finally know how love truly feels like, how betrayal plays its treacherous game and how mystifying everything seems, when it's really glaringly blatant.
And I don't want out anymore, I want more.
Suddenly, it hit her. Tearing herself away from James' lips, Lily looked at him with wide, doe-like eyes. He looked as shocked as she did.
"W-what was that?" She whispered, still staring.
James, it seemed, suddenly remembered who he was, and quickly grinned his patented smirk. "I would say a quite hot snog, but correct me if I'm wrong."
"Stop acting like that," Lily snapped. What was his problem?
James looked as angry as she was, but was trying to hide it behind a mask of confidence and aloofness. "Like what, Lily? If I remember correctly, you're the one who initiated the entire thing."
"Well, yes! But, why'd you kiss back?"
"Generally, when an attractive girl kisses you, you kiss back."
"B-but," Lily made a frustrated noise in the depths of her throat, "you weren't supposed to kiss back!"
"Then why'd you kiss me?"
Was he being so bothersome on purpose?
"Well, because you looked… kissable."
"Kissable?" He looked dreadfully amused, smirking and raising his right eyebrow in mock confusion.
Lily crossed her arms across her chest, glaring at him childishly. "Yes, you looked bloody kissable."
James rolled his eyes, but decided against continuing with his line of questioning. Lily looked at him, trying to see past his bright, gleaming eyes. She followed the curve of his defined cheekbone longingly, noticing admiringly how his skin seemed bronzed from the sunlight.
It took Lily a few minutes to realize that she didn't feel inferior or introverted facing James, even though they had just shared a particularly awkward event. She had kissed him; it hit her with the force of a lightening bolt. She, Lily Evans, had snogged her dream, her fantasy, and… nothing had happened after! It was practically a monumental moment!
"So," James trailed off, ruffling his hair in that adorable way, "-what next?"
"What do you mean?" She asked, her eyes expressing the slightest hint of puzzlement.
"Well, we've moved from enemies to acquaintances, then from that to friends, now we just kissed." James explained, looking somewhat confused himself.
"We move fast?" Lily offered as an answer.
"Obviously," James said dryly. "But the question is if you're willing to go further?"
Lily shot him a disgusted look, forgetting about all her insecurities. "Ugh! Potter, stop being such a prick! I'm not shagging you for all the money in Gringotts!"
"Actually, I was heading for the path of 'maybe you'd like to go with me to Hogsmeade'," James said humouredly. "But I'm sure shagging will come along sometime."
Lily blushed. Oh Merlin, she was making a complete fool of herself again. Naturally, she should just agree to the date and get the entire ordeal over with.
But… she kinda wanted to make him beg. Lily knew she was being malevolent, but she wanted to see James understand how it felt. "Well, I'm not really up for… no."
James face displayed a sundry of emotions, both comforting and disturbing to Lily, as he narrowed his brow and mouthed the unfamiliar words. "No…? But why, Evans?"
Lily tried to shrug, but as her shoulder was pressed to his, it didn't work as well as it should have. "You've been a prick to me my entire life, Potter, and then you expect me to just jump into you arms and faint from the sheer pleasure?"
"B-but you fancy me!" James protested, hazel eyes wide behind his thin-rimmed glasses.
It took all the willpower Lily possessed to hold down a blush. "What? Where'd you get that from?"
"You just kissed me!"
"Momentary lapse of judgement, that's all," Lily said calmly, inching away from him glumly.
Maybe she should just agree… Hadn't she punished him enough?
James eyes were dark, a deep brown that made Lily's heart ache with regret. She shouldn't have said anything, keeping to herself and just agreeing to his proposition. Lily had wanted to, after all. But, all her stupid stubbornness and insecurities were holding her back…
"Well than, I guess we should just stop," James said angrily, "seeing each other. It seems like everytime something goes right, one of us screw it all up."
"It's not like that!" Lily protested, eyes blazing. "I just… I just… I want to trust you." She finished weakly, her umbrage suddenly deflated.
"Trust me?" His eyebrow twitched ever so slightly, but didn't rise. "We've been friends for how long?"
"Hardly," Lily replied, "we've been everything but 'just friends'. Maybe we should try it out before… a relationship."
"But I thought you didn't want one at all."
"Changed my mind," Lily snapped.
Something wasn't right. Lily could feel in her weary bones and she had the slightest suspicion that James did also. Peeking at him behind her curtain of curls, she noticed that he had the strangest expression on his face. …Was he giving up?
Oh Merlin, what had she done now?
.x.
The sun came up with a burst of rich, vibrant colours that morning. Oranges, pinks, yellows and the faintest traces of faded cerulean made their subtle watercolour splashes on the canvas that had become the sky. It was meant to be a beautiful day. Lily didn't think it would be that way.
She had woken early, after a long restless night of tossing and turning. She looked half-asleep and felt even worse as she made her hazardous way down the narrow, steep staircase, yawning deeply. Her blouse was creased and buttoned up incorrectly, hanging off her right shoulder and her skirt was as wrinkled as her shirt and was being hitched up every few seconds; her tie missing from the mismatched ensemble.
She didn't look like the intrepid Head Girl that everyone believed her to be.
Almost tripping over her own feet, Lily stumbled into the Common Room, blearily looking at an alert Elladora, who was dressed immaculately in her own pressed uniform. People kept exchanging looks, wondering what had brought on such changes.
"'Lo Elly," Lily murmured, "What class do we have first?"
Elladora shook her head, "Transfiguration. And, yes, I'm doing swell. Thanks for asking."
Lily, being too exhausted to answer or even comprehend what was going on, yawned in response. "Mm, yeah, quite nice."
A few younger students continued shooting her bewildered looks, but most had looked away, discussing the recent change in the girl with the people around them. Lily had finally cracked under the pressure, it seemed, and most were either grousing in incredulity and surrendering their well-earned galleons, or grinning deviously and collecting their stakes.
Ignoring all the odd looks sent their way, the twosome made their wordless way down the garrulous room and outside of the portrait, before heading down to The Great Hall for an early brunch. Both looked worn out, but in different ways.
.x.
"There he is! Oh dear Merlin, Black looks so delicious today," Elladora wistfully sighed as she nibbled on a slice of toast, wide, unblinking eyes focussed solely on Sirius Black.
Even though the youth had used and discarded Elladora, she still wanted to get into his pants.
But, then again, who didn't?
Lily, who was struggling not to fall asleep in her porridge, rolled her somnolent eyes, before pouring herself a goblet of pumpkin juice. "Elly, I thought you believed him to be an evil demon-child. What brought about this sudden change?"
Elladora sent Lily a harassed look. "Well… he's a gorgeous, yummy piece of demon-child ass. Happy?"
"Yes, you get so wonderfully descriptive in the morning."
"Stop being such a know-all, Evans," Elladora said from around a mouthful of buttered toast, "It might be the reason James is resentful at you."
Lily glared at her. "Oh? And how would you know, Ms. Guffy, that Mr. Potter is mad at me?"
"I told her."
Lily whipped her head around; her cheeks flushed a muted pink as she looked up at the aforementioned, smirking Mr. Potter. He looked really handsome, she also noticed, in his taut Quidditch trousers and navy tee-shirt.
And then there was that trivial lock of hair that was dangling in his dancing, sardonic eyes that kept calling out to her to push it away. Lily gulped.
"Really," Lily tried to keep her cool around him, cocking her eyebrow slightly. "And why must Elladora know about everything that goes on in your love life?"
"Because," he said, in the same standoffish, mocking tone of voice she was using. "That is what friends generally do: talk about what's bothering them and why."
Lily was the one who looked away first. Turning her gaze to a small scene going on at the Hufflepuff table, she tried to continue her act, but found that it was too difficult. He had won. "Alright, Potter, thank you and all, but I'd like to finish my breakfast in peace."
He obeyed her simple request, but she could feel his eyes on her the entire remnant of breakfast, watching her with intensity.
She had piqued his curiosity.
.x.
Lily felt herself being propelled backwards as she crashed head-on to the taller girl. Her many books spilled out of her arms and her bag jerked her down to the cold stone flooring, while the other person, apparently a Ravenclaw, balanced herself and offered a hand.
"Ah, Evans. How is it coming along with James?" She asked. Her voice held snide traces.
Lily looked up, meeting Kali Negrescu's detached gaze.
"Lovely, thanks for asking," was her airy response. Oh Merlin, how she wanted to smack this annoying specimen of a female.
Kali raised a perfectly-plucked eyebrow, carefully surveying Lily through cold, unfeeling eyes. As always, she looked perfect, without a hair misplaced and her face painted with delicate undertones of pale green and pink. As always.
Lily shifted uncomfortably, feeling her cheeks heat up slightly, but she ignored the escalating urge to run away, screaming. Instead, she picked herself up from the ground, all the while disregarding Kali's extended hand, and began to slowly gather her books.
"So…" Kali prolonged the silence calculatingly, following Lily's movements with her eyes, "But are you confident that James is as fond of you as you believe?"
Not for the first time, Lily marvelled how Kali had convinced the Sorting Hat to allow her to become a Ravenclaw. The girl was so much more a Slytherin, in both personality and function.
"Yes, I would think so." Lily replied, finally collecting all her things and repacking what had fallen out of her bag. The titles flashed by her eyes, willing her to just go to class, but she was still taunt with nervousness and quiet fury.
"Really?"
Finally, Lily snapped. Turning to face Kali, her shoulders pushed back in defiance, as if making the Head Girl badge on her chest seem bigger and more impressive, she said coldly, "Yes, really. You are such a bloody bitch; can't you just accept that James Potter will never like you, in any manner? Nobody could fancy you either way; you're so fucking frigid and malevolent. What the hell is wrong with you?"
Her sudden outburst shocked both of them, though Lily was much more obvious in her disbelief. Kali's eyes were wide and her ample lips were parted slightly in disbelief. The slender girl had frozen. "What the hell, Evans?"
Suddenly, everything that she had just said caught up to her, and Lily bolted, her face a discomfited scarlet.
Of course, that didn't make matters better.
.x.
There he went again, talking to that stunning Keeper, his eyes sparkling wildly and wind ruffling his hair. Her name was Kallisto Bristow, who was the Gryffindor Keeper and the sixth year Prefect.
Lily buried her face in her brown jumper, muffling a quiet scream. It was the Gryffindor Quidditch practice, once again, and she had decided rather impulsively to go outside with an enjoyable book and watch the training. Instead of finding herself immersed in her book, she was watching James Potter.
He was supposed to be explaining a strategy to Bristow, but to Lily it looked like excessive flirting. Lily felt extremely… well, pissed off would be about right. Not to mention that Bristow was attractive, in a clear-cut way, with naturally blond hair that was a smidgen overgrown and a trim, athletic figure.
Lily hated her. The girl carried herself with a grace and confidence that wasn't very often displayed in Lily and just was absolutely marvellously serene in James Potter's presence. She heard girlish chatter from a few feet behind her and Lily turned to look, hoping that it was someone familiar.
Two girls, appearing to be a few years younger than Lily walked up to her, one of them in Gryffindor Quidditch robes and clutching her shabby broom while the other dressed neatly in a Ravenclaw uniform.
They both joined her without asking. Lily recognised the Gryffindor briefly as the one who had a crush on James, the girl with comforting, dull eyes. The other had stick-straight auburn hair, brown eyes and an attractive composure.
"Hiya!" The former chirped, stretching her long legs, "You alright?"
"Er… yeah," Lily replied awkwardly.
"Oh! My name's Dorcas, Dorcas Meadows." She gave Lily another wide grin, which displayed the gaping holes in her mouth "This is Marlene McKinnon."
"Hi," the auburn-haired girl said shyly, looking away.
Lily smiled softly at the underclassmen, while mentally cursing her luck. They just had to choose her, of all people, to swarm towards. "What year are you two in?"
Dorcas, seemingly oblivious to Lily's pointed gaze, replied happily. "Oh, well I'm in Fifth, while Marlene is in Sixth."
Lily's eyebrows shot up. They looked much younger than that.
Marlene noticed her look of amazement and supplied quietly, "We both look younger than we really are, but I assure you, we truly are that old."
The girl's voice was soft and low with a caressing melody hinted at in her tender words. Looking up for a moment, she blushed when she noticed that Lily was looking at her and dropped her gaze.
"Anyways, did you hear about Florence and Remus Lupin?" Dorcas said excitedly. She looked hungry for gossip, apparently believing Lily was a reliable source for comments of the nature.
"No, who's Florence?" Lily looked puzzled.
The duo's eyes were enormous as they gaped at her, mouths parted slightly. "Florence, as in the perfect Slytherin Head Girl, five years ago? You know the one with that really pale hair and sarcastic attitude?"
Lily nodded, though the memory of this so-called perfection was blurry. She could remember, from her third year, an officious Head Girl with long flaxen hair, who was dating the Ravenclaw Quidditch Captain but it was a dim reminiscence. "I think."
"Well, the thing is, she met up with Lupin," Dorcas' eyes were growing wider and wider by the minute, "you know, the pasty, sickly guy that hangs around James Potter? Well, they met up in Hogsmeade and no one knows exactly, but apparently they're…" She paused for dramatics, "dating! Who would think?"
Lily laughed under her breath, not sure if she should either laugh in disbelief or tell the two off, but decided to leave it. Those two were an amusing pair, yes indeed.
.x.
"Hi."
Lily looked up, squinting in the sunlight, to see James Potter's awkward form. She smiled, softly shutting her book and putting it away, into her bag.
"Hello, James."
He looked really nervous but, as always, he hid it behind the overconfident mask that Lily disliked horribly. She wasn't sure why it was so obvious to her, all his lies and simple-minded illusions, but she didn't like them very much, to tell the truth.
"So… what're you reading?" He blushed, as if because he hadn't come up with a better interrupter than that. Sitting himself beside her spot against the large boulder that she was leaning on, he concentrated his eyes on her nails.
"Pride and Prejudice, the only romantic-inclined book I could ever bother with." She admitted, nervously playing with her silver chain necklace.
James cast a wary look at the well-read, battered book, cocking an eyebrow ever so slightly. "Really? Looks like you're fonder of romance than you let on."
"Oh, really, Mr. Potter? And who would you be, to make such a delicate assumption?"
He appeared to think about it for a moment, resting his chin in the palm of his hand and stroking it. Lily crossed her eyes and stuck out her tongue at this. "Well, I did kiss you once and I can bloody well tell you that it was one brilliant snog, in simpler terms. Therefore, you must've read some romance novels, for your knowledge of kissing is rather skilful and immense."
Lily didn't know whether to be flattered or insulted. He said things like that, confusing and bewilderingly complicated, yet sweet and utterly… James, when you reflected on it.
"Well," he shot her an amused look. "Did I win a kiss yet, or must I work harder?"
Lily turned red, when she realized the entire scheme behind the odd proclamation. "I think that won you a kiss."
And, suddenly, she found herself tangled in his arms, getting her breath sucked away, his warm hands on her neck and everything he did to her wreaking havoc on her emotions. There was something about him and his kisses, could it be love?
Earlier this week, she had stated herself immune to his charms and smirks, yet when he looked over, his eyes dazzling and so… comfortingly warm, she found everything she wanted to keep hidden bursting through their walls and cages. It was too intense a feeling, something she had never experienced before.
Whether she liked it or not, James Potter was under her skin, inside her veins. Like a drug, deadly yet satisfyingly pleasurable.
When they broke apart, breathing laboured and deep, she didn't know what to say, how to explain that it couldn't work. It wasn't right. So she kissed him again, for better lack of things to do.
Actions spoke louder than words, after all.
Yet… this action wasn't right in any ethical way, in any faith.
.x.
Yes, yes, I know. Not much development in the entire romance department, other than quite a bit of snogging. I know Lily seems to be changing on her decision of whether to let herself be immune to James or whether to break up whatever relationship they currently possess, but it'll appear clearer in the next chapter.
She's sort of stuck between what's right and what she wants, so naturally, she'll be very confused about what she needs and desires.
Meh. I didn't like this chapter very much.