Changing Forms
Chapter 1 -
The Diary of Nymphadora Tonks
I've been watching him lately. I've noticed that my gaze has turned from curiosity to fascination to infatuation. I think I can say now that indeed what I feel is lust. But is it love? No. Not yet. For there to be love, two people have to be together in it. Well—he has to know first. He doesn't know how I feel. Not at all. He still thinks about me as Tonks. Me, clumsy, silly Tonks. I wish I could change his perspective.
I don't know exactly when these feelings for him started. Probably after the Order of the Phoenix was started up again. He'd come and go from Sirius' house on urgent errands. Dumbledore knew how to put him to good use. Dumbledore knew when he had a good thing on his hands.
I wish I could just shed this shy disposition. I feel like I'll always just be Tonks, the girl (or woman, as I prefer, now that I'm 23) who, at will, changes her hair from blue to pink and back to brown. I just need to be pointed down the right fork in the road. A little courage would do. Sometimes I've thought I should take a luck potion or a courage potion…. But it would be artificial. I want it to be real when… if it happens. I so badly want it to happen.
I want to reach up to his worn face and kiss him without saying a word. I imagined it would be when we were alone, in an elevator in the Ministry Headquarters, or just outside. I don't care that he's 14 years older than me. I am in awe of everything about him. His simple sweaters, his classic ties, his briefcase bearing the name of R. Lupin. Remus Lupin—what a name.