Warning: Bad Sue! Bad Sue! You go to Hell...you go to Hell and you die!

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Chapter Six: Dear Uncle Jack

Dear Uncle Jack,

Greetings from Oz! It's been three weeks and this is the first chance I've had to write a letter. Things have been crazy—in the good and bad sense. And no, I haven't been expelled yet.

First of all, you'll be glad to know that I've found me some friends. Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger—all super cool in their own right. Harry's got a lot of baggage as far as his life is concerned, but he's still one of the nicest people I've met here. Apparently, the three of them have gotten into quite a few situations—if you've still been getting The Daily Prophet I'm sure you've read about him. 'The-Boy-Who-Lived' or some crap like that. They've actually faced off with some pretty nasty stuff, but you'll be happy to know if I come across a three-headed dog, a mountain troll, a Basilisk (giant snake), werewolves, escaped convicts, or jinxed brooms I'll have some back up. Relax, Uncle Jack…breathe. Everything here is fine. Mostly.

I got into Gryffindor just like my mom and dad. I think they'd be pretty proud. Everyone in my house is pretty cool—oh, yeah they have houses that you get sorted into. They put this old hat on my head and the hat tells you what house you'll be in. That's right, a talking hat. So it wanted to put me in Slytherin, which is full of a bunch of demented people, but it put me in Gryffindor instead. I wouldn't have lasted in Slytherin because of this kid named Malfoy—the biggest snot in the whole school. I guess he comes from this f-ed up family that thinks only all magic kids should get to go to Hogwarts. What a git. Git is my favorite new British slam word. I still don't know what it means, but everyone here is using it.

So my first week was a little shaky. I know that Professor McGonagall wrote to you about the "situation" in the dining hall. I assure you the little punk had it coming. And it's not like I was the only one fighting, either—lots of us were. But you probably don't care about that. Anyways, we got detention with the Potion professor, Snape. This guy makes Hannibal Lecter look like the Happy Chef. Evil. Literally…but I'll explain that later. Anyways, he doesn't really like me anyways and you can probably guess why. Two words: MY MOUTH. I'm sorry, but he was really getting on my case about coming from the States—being incompetent and all so I told him to save it for after class. SOOOO…some Slytherins, my friends, and I got busted for our little fiasco in the hall and got detentions. Slytherins got it with McGonagall, but we got it with Snape. Grrrr. The guy hates Gryffindors, Hufflepuffs, and Ravenclaws (oh, those are the other houses, by the way). I think the only thing that could make this guy smile would be watching a baby crying over a dead puppy. Anyways, our detention SUCKED. We had to clean the ENTIRE Potions classroom. Cauldrons, beakers, tables, floors, chairs, bookshelves, EVERYTHING. WITHOUT MAGIC. And the last class did some really foul smelling potion that I can still smell under my fingernails. It didn't help when Ron fell over into one of the cauldrons while trying to put some beakers back on a shelf. I actually think Snape made him trip, but I can't prove it. ARG! Yes, I've learned my lesson…but next time I want to get back at somebody I'll just have to make extra sure Snape isn't around. Just kidding (sort of)!

So after the first day (yeah, the fight, the detention…that was just my first day) things got slightly better. But only because I didn't have to deal with Snape for another two days. Creatures class is pretty cool—especially our teacher, Hagrid. He's half giant—no joke! Harry knows him really well because he was the one who told him Harry was a wizard. Hagrid used to be a student here, but he got suspended a long time ago. Don't worry, it's all cool now. He's really good with animals, but sometimes he has trouble keeping the class in control. Helping things get out of hand is usually my job. Divination (which is predictions and BS stuff like that) is a joke. Professor Trelawney reminds me of that psychic that used to live a few doors down from us in our apartment on Avenue A. Remember? The quack? Every class she's going on about how Harry's going to die and talks about Mars and Pluto in retrograde and crap like that. If she'd pull her head out of her own Uranus she'd realize that the entire class is asleep by the end of the class. If the exact opposite happens every time she predicts something I hope she doesn't say anything about me having a wonderful career at Hogwarts. Astronomy is pretty much like back home so at least there's one class besides potions where I know what I'm doing. Not that Potions matters anymore since Hitler will be breathing down my neck for the next year making sure I can't screw up once. No pressure or anything.

Between classes, though, it's been really cool. We all went down to Hogsmeade—this little wizard town just down the road—last weekend and I got to do some shopping. Oh, yeah—SEND CHAP STICK! Wizard villages have everything magical I'd ever need, but not my black cherry chap stick. My favorite store down there is Honeydukes—it's a candy store that would make Willy Wonka himself drool. I'll have to get you some Chocolate Frogs for Christmas. OH! Quidditch is the bomb diggity yo over here. Harry is a Seeker and Ron is a Keeper for the Gryffindor team. I went for the Beater position, but they haven't posted the results yet. Yes, I remember what happened last team I was on, but it's totally different this time. I can be a team player, I promise!

I've been exploring the castle a lot, too. It's huge! People have actually gotten lost in the halls for days—no joke! I've gotten lost several times, but some of the ghosts are helpful. That's right, I said ghosts. Nearly-Headless-Nick is the Gryffindor ghost and he's pretty cool for a dead guy. His head is still barely attached by a little skin so that's why he's only nearly headless. It was really gross the first time I saw his head flapping to the side, but now it's pretty cool.

I never realized how different things could be between Muggles and Wizards over here. They're so separated—it's not like back home where Wizards went between worlds all the time. It's kinda nice in a way, though, to be around people who just live magic. No real technology…just magic. It's refreshing. I know I'm probably freaking you out by now with all this magic talk, but it's on my mind a lot.

So that's all I can think of for right now. I know I'm probably forgetting a lot of things, but I'll try to get them in the next letter. Hope it doesn't freak you out too much when this letter comes with an owl attached. Sorry, but it's the only way to get letters around here. If you want to write back just tell the owl when you want it to come back and it'll pick it up. Nifty, huh? Can't really think of anything I need, but as always, money is appreciated and welcome at all times! It's still a little weird here, but I'm doing a lot better than I thought. In another month I think it'll feel more like home. Write soon! Miss you!

Reggie

P.S.—I promise I'll try to not to fight, mouth off, set things on fire, blow things up, or otherwise engage in activities that have gotten me detentions and suspensions back home.

P.P.S.—As always, I will not provoke unless I have been provoked first.

P.P.P.S—But Malfoy is an exception

P.P.P.P.S—So is Snape.

Reg