Daniel looked exhausted when Samantha dropped by his office late the next afternoon. Clearly, he hadn't gotten the sleep she'd instructed him to, although she wondered what else he could have done. Stayed awake and brooded about Hathor? She had hoped he had moved on from that, at least a little, as a result of the time they had spent together.
Thinking about the time they'd spent together made her blush again ; she couldn't believe how much she was blushing lately. It didn't help all the smirks and comments she was getting from people on the base. Even Janet had taken her aside to ask her a few questions. It was beginning to annoy the hell out of Samantha. Why should her and Daniel's personal life be of interest to anyone else but them?
"Because when you have loud, ecstatic sex in his office where everyone within ten meters can hear, it becomes public property," Janet said when she complained about this. Privately, Janet thought it really must have been something for Samantha to lose her head like that. "Just be careful about what you do on the base," she warned her friend. "You of all people should know there's a double standard for men a women."
Samantha nodded. "I know – people know that we have sex on the base and they'll think Daniel's a stud… and I'm a slut." She tried not to take it personally, she wasn't that sore about the fallout over behaving so unprofessionally, but it annoyed her in general that the same people who were giving her knowing looks and leers were congratulating Daniel for having the finesse to Daniel Captain Carter. Samantha smiled ruefully. "I'll let him know no more sex in his office."
When she heard he'd returned to the base, she went to find him, and he didn't look great. "What happened to that sleep I told you to get?" she asked playfully.
He looked at her wearily. "I didn't sleep well last night," was all he said.
Concerned, she touched him gently on the shoulder. He shrugged her hand off. "Because of Hathor?" she asked.
"Why do I need a reason to not be able to sleep," Daniel complained. "Why does everyone assume something's wrong?"
"You had a pretty traumatic day yesterday," Samantha reminded him. "I'm just being a concerned friend."
"Well, you're concern isn't needed."
His short words stung, but she tried not to get discouraged. After all, Daniel had experienced a pretty traumatic day yesterday, and as his friend, she figured it was her duty to take a little crap from him while he got himself together.
She tried a different tack. Leaning over to kiss him, she pressed her lips to his, trying to coax him to open his mouth to hers. She had meant to keep their relationship strictly platonic on the base so as not to give the gossips more ammunition, but she figured Daniel needed some affection.
The pressure of her lips against his whisked Daniel back to a day fifteen years ago and it was John Brown kissing him, not Samantha Carter. Disgust washed through his body and bile rose from his stomach and he threw Samantha off him violently. She fell backwards against the wall unit with a yelp that was more surprise then pain.
Her cry shook Daniel out of stressed mood, and he dropped to the floor to be at Samantha's side. Gently he took her in his arms, running his hands over her back and the back of her head where she'd landed. "I'm sorry, baby," he said contritely. "I don't know what came over me."
Samantha looked at him irritably. "Jesus Christ, Daniel, I was only trying to kiss you. If you weren't interested you could have just said no. You didn't have to throw me into the wall."
Daniel responded by kissing her. Samantha was surprised by his sudden change of heart but he made it impossible for her to say no to his advances. His kiss was passionate, demanding… possessive. He was in control.
His hands were running over her body possessively, under her shirt, along the waistband of her pants. She could feel his erection against her thigh. "Daniel, no," she said weakly. He slipped his hand inside her pants and began fingering her. Despite herself, she groaned.
"I want you," he said hoarsely.
"Not here," she insisted, even more weakly. "People will talk."
He shrugged. "They're already talking." Although he wouldn't dare say so to Samantha, he had been kind of flattered by the high esteem that came with having sex with her. Apparently she had a reputation for being quite aloof. Of course, a gentleman never told, but it made him feel very, very manly. He began trailing kisses down her neck, pulling at her black shirt until it was over her head, trailing kisses down her front, fumbling with the clasp to her bra.
"Daniel…" Samantha groaned as waves of pleasure began to wash over her. "Please…not…like…this…" her protest was silenced by Daniel's mouth on hers in a demanding kiss. He wanted her, and he wasn't about to let a little thing like this stop him. She allowed herself to get swept up in the moment even if she didn't exactly want to have sex in his office again. She was pretty sure there were the usual suspects of gossips standing outside, listening in and… "OH GOD!" she screamed when he really began working his magic.
Passively, she let him take off her pants and underwear so she was lying on his office floor, completely naked. She was pretty sure the door was unlocked, so anyone could just walk in and – she groaned when Daniel penetrated her, his body on top of hers, holding her tightly, kissing her passionately. He began thrusting hard and despite herself, she began meeting his thrusts just as hard. Sex with Daniel was addictive, he made her not care where it was – although she knew she would afterwards. "Daniel," she cried louder and louder as her climax began building up. "Daniel."
"Scream for me," he ordered, enjoying the power he had over her. "Scream my name as you come."
She wrapped her arms around him tightly, digging her (short) nails into his back as she climaxed violently. "DANIEL!" she screamed. She wrapped her legs tightly around his waist as he climaxed himself.
Panting, he buried his face in her breasts. "That was fucking incredible," he said.
In the unnerving quiet of the office now that their passion was spent, Samantha began to contemplate the consequences of her actions. Maybe she was being paranoid, but she could swear she heard whispering and giggling outside the door – and it wouldn't be him they were whispering about. "I told you I didn't want to do it here," she chided him.
He raised his head to meet her eyes, and she could see the scowl forming on his lips. He jumped off her and turned his back to her as he began to redress. Samantha watched him, confusion and hurt in her expression. A few minutes ago, they'd been having hot sex, and now he was acting like – like a client with a prostitute after the deed was done.
She groped for her clothes, hurriedly dressing, suddenly feeling exposed in front of him. "Daniel?" she asked uncertainly.
He spun around to face her, and his eyes were cold. Hard. "Don't you dare say I raped you," he hissed.
The tone of his voice frightened her almost as much as the look in his eyes. She'd always suspected there was a harder Daniel beneath the surface, but this was not what she had anticipated. "I wasn't going to," she said – that he had thought of it was testimony to the thoughts that were running through his head. "What's wrong with you, Daniel?" she asked. "First you're all over me, then you treat me like – like a hooker."
He turned his back to her and tried to control the feelings of helplessness and impotence that were raging through his body. She didn't understand, she'd never understand. "Get out of here," he ordered in a low, cold voice. "I'll deal with you later."
He'll deal with me later?Samantha asked herself. Like she was some kind of inconvenience and not his goddamned friend and lover. Well, she wasn't going to accept any scraps he deigned to throw at her. "Whenever you find the time," she said sarcastically and left his office.
As she'd expected, there were a group of three people standing outside the door, pretending to have a conversation, like it wasn't obvious what they were really there for, especially when they all stopped to look at her when she came out. "What are you look at?" she snarled at the little group, not caring that it was one more thing she'd given them to talk about. She made a quick exit to her own office.
In his own office, Daniel struggled to regain his composure. Samantha's reproachful look had unnerved him, like she was acting like she hadn't wanted it. Like he had raped her.
"You raped me."
"I did not. You wanted it, I could tell by the way you've been looking at me."Why was it that one little incident could negate ten years of therapy? Daniel struggled to contain his emotions. He knew it wasn't his fault, he knew he'd been the victim of a sexual predator, but right now he struggled to accept that truth. He felt abused and ashamed and completely powerless.
God help him, but bending Samantha to his will like that had felt good. He had known she didn't want to do it in his office again, had known how people were talking about her and that she wanted to keep things platonic and professional on the base. It had made him feel good, in control, to use his considerable sexual prowess to get her to do what he wanted – and to make her want it. It was one thing to use brute strength to make a person do what you wanted, it was another to seduce them into doing it of their own free will – to Daniel, that was control.
He knew Samantha regretted it. She had told him yesterday she regretted doing it in his office – it would be her that copped the gossip from it, not him. She had wanted to keep their private life private – and he had disregarded that. Because it made him feel good to control her.
He clenched his fists, his nails digging into his palms painfully. Feelings were raging through him – mostly of disgust and shame. Shame of what he'd done… and what had been done to him. Rage welled up inside him until he couldn't control it anymore, and he punched the cement wall hard in frustration.
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In her office, Samantha struggled to deal with feelings of hurt and rejection. Daniel's parting words to her kept coming back to her: I'll deal with you later. Like she was a goddamned inconvenience, something that could be disregarded until a more convenient time. She wasn't some pile of paperwork, damnit, she was Samantha Carter, if not his girlfriend exactly then his friend at least, and she deserved to be treated with more respect then that.
Gotta get hold of myself, she told herself. She couldn't go out looking like she wanted to punch something – preferably Daniel. She was beginning to wish she'd punched him in his office, although he'd looked like cold and frightening… nonetheless, How dare he treat her like that! After last night, where they'd really connected, not just sexually but intellectually and emotionally, she'd thought they really had something. Granted, it was murky, given his questionable marital status, but she'd thought they had something – more then some cool words after hot sex on his office floor!
Doctor McKenzie interrupted her thoughts, knocking politely on her door. Damn, she'd agreed to see him about Daniel. She smiled ruefully to herself. Yesterday, she'd thought Hammond was the crazy one for think Daniel was trouble. Now she was beginning to think maybe the man was on the right track. "Have I come at a bad time?" McKenzie asked.
Samantha smiled as best she could, although trained psychiatrist that he was, McKenzie could see that she was troubled. Most likely about Doctor Jackson. Hammond had been quick to inform McKenzie on Jackson and Carter's tryst, and McKenzie had agreed it was cause for concern. He was pretty sure the incident with Hathor had dredge up some painful memories for Daniel, and McKenzie didn't think it was a good idea for him to be getting into a sexual relationship at the moment.
"Was there anything I can do for you, Doctor McKenzie?" Samantha asked politely.
"I was hoping I could talk to you about Doctor Jackson, but if now isn't a good time–" Personally, McKenzie thought now was a very good time, she clearly had something on her mind.
"What did you want to talk about?" Samantha asked cautiously, although she knew damn well what he wanted to talk about.
McKenzie saw Samantha wanted him to get straight to the point, so he said bluntly, "Your relationship with Doctor Jackson. You're… sexual relationship."
"You mean the fact we had sex in his office and now the whole base is talking about it?" Samantha corrected, just as bluntly.
"That wasn't exactly what I wanted to talk about, but since you brought it up, yes, I thought it was remarkably out of character for you. You know how hard it is to be a woman in this place, and I know how professionally you conduct yourself. That you would lose you head like that –"
"I know," Samantha said. She lowered her head, refusing to meet McKenzie's searching gaze. She couldn't exactly tell him she, Captain Samantha Carter, the coolest of the cool, had gotten swept up in the moment when a man touched her.
"You don't have to feel embarrassed about it," McKenzie said. "Doctor Jackson has quite a reputation with the ladies." In fact, the man inspired such loyalty from his former lovers despite the speed with which he worked through them that they hadn't been able to get any information other then a few dreamy smiles. He had certainly made up for lost time and his first tragic experience – something that concerned McKenzie, especially in light of his current 'relationship' – if that's what it was – with Captain Carter.
Samantha looked at him suspiciously. "And how would you know this?" she asked.
"Because he had a very thorough background check on him done before he was allowed to join the Stargate program."
Now Samantha was even more suspicious. She knew tracking down and interviewing former lovers en masse was not a standard requirement for a security clearance, even this high up in the military. "What on earth did he do to warrant that kind of investigation?" she asked.
"I can't tell you," McKenzie said, and he was as maddening about it as Hammond had been.
"What do you mean, you can't tell me?" Samantha asked irritably. "I'm sleeping with him, don't I have a right to know what I'm getting into?"
"Hammond did warn you again getting involved with Doctor Jackson," McKenzie reminded her. "I think he's very troubled at the moment."
"Because of Hathor?"
"That's the catalyst, yes," McKenzie admitted reluctantly. "I can't get into it, but tell me one thing, if you don't mind – did you find Doctor Jackson was quite aggressive, like he wanted to control you?"
Samantha felt the blood rise to her cheeks as she remembered the two times they had been together. Maybe not the second time they'd been together yesterday, but definitely the first time and today – yes, he'd been aggressive, yes, it had felt like he'd wanted to control her. Reluctantly, she admitted, "Yesterday…he wanted to be in control. He was sorry about it afterwards, but today… I told him I didn't want to do it in his office, because people talked about me, not him… I feel embarrassed that I got carried away, but he seemed determined to have his way… he can be very…"
"Persuasive?" McKenzie offered. Samantha nodded, refusing to meet McKenzie's eyes. It was embarrassing, discussing her sex life like this. She didn't know what was worse, that McKenzie was sympathetic, or it he were to be more businesslike. "Captain Carter, I wouldn't take it personally. Doctor Jackson has some issues that we're trying to help him deal with. In the meantime, I suggest you put an end to your sexual relationship with him. He needs a friend right now, but he does not need a lover."
Samantha nodded dumbly. She accepted McKenzie's advice as that of the professional he was, but right now, she wanted the psychiatrist out of her office. He knew far too much about her, or, rather, far too much about Daniel which gave him the ability to make remarkable insights about their sex life, short-lived that it was. She wondered what exactly Daniel had done to warrant such an investigation into his private life.
Mercifully, McKenzie's pager beeped at that moment. He glanced at it then said, "I'm needed in the infirmary. If there's anything you want to talk about, my door is always open."
Samantha nodded, although she had no intention of going to see McKenzie about anything, especially not her relationship with Daniel. She silently willed the psychiatrist to leave, which thankfully, he did after a pause in which he gave Samantha the opportunity to say something – anything – else. She didn't.
McKenzie had been paged to the infirmary by Janet, who had no idea what had possessed Daniel to punch the concrete wall of his office. Thankfully, he hadn't broken any of the bones in his hand, but his knuckles were badly torn and bleeding. He'd refused to say why he'd done it. And he'd obviously done it with some force, according to the degree of damage to his hand – what kind of anger did he have in him to do something like that, and why? Daniel refused to say, so Janet had summed McKenzie, hoping the psychiatrist could shed some light on the situation.
Janet left the two men to hash things out among themselves. McKenzie inspected Daniel's wounded hand. "That took some effort," he said. "What were you angry about?"
Daniel scowled and refused to meet McKenzie's eyes. McKenzie was one of a handful of people who knew about his past – one of the conditions of him being part of the Stargate program was a thorough background check, and once they'd found out about something on his juvenile file (it was amazing how 'sealed' was a relative term), and God knew how thorough a check they'd done to make sure he was 'stable', they had filled McKenzie in, supposedly so the psychiatrist could keep an eye on Daniel. But Daniel didn't need anyone keeping an eye on him, thankyouverymuch, he'd only agreed to it because at the time it was the only was he could get on the Stargate Program. Now he was wishing he'd thought of something else. He didn't like the looks of pity people gave him when they found out about it, even if McKenzie was trained to deal with it.
"It was nothing," he mumbled lamely. "I just got a little angry." Even he knew how lame that sounded. People who got a little angry didn't punch walls so hard they tore the skin off their knuckles.
"People who get a little angry don't punch concrete walls so hard they tear the skin from their knuckles," McKenzie pointed out, parroting Daniel's thoughts. "I assume this is about your relationship with Captain Carter?"
Daniel scowled again. "That's none of your business," he growled. McKenzie knew he'd hit a nerve. Despite his conflicting emotions, underneath his troubled mind was a gentle man who loved Captain Carter, and McKenzie wanted – needed – to get through to that man.
McKenzie sat down next to Daniel. "I think it is," he disagreed mildly. "I know how you must be feeling right now, but to take it out on Captain Carter – you're lucky she cares about you so much, of you could be in some serious trouble."
Daniel cringed. He knew he'd done the wrong thing by her, and that McKenzie was being so mild about it, instead of confrontational, only made things worse. He couldn't get all defensive in light of being confronted ; instead, he could only confront his own conscience – and his conscience told him he'd done the wrong thing by her. He'd wanted to control her, to make up for the sense of helplessness he'd felt with Hathor… and with John.
McKenzie could see Daniel was remorseful, and needed time to gather his thoughts. The psychiatrist was confident the troubled younger man was feeling remorseful for what he'd done, particularly to someone he cared about deeply. McKenzie believed now was not a good time for Daniel to be getting romantically involved with anyone, but he could see a point in the future where the two of them could be happy together. "I'll give you some time to yourself," he said. "But I want to discuss the further," he added, making it clear that it wasn't over. He would pursue Daniel until the issue had been hashed out, and he would certainly be recommending against Daniel travelling offworld for a while. He was going to have personal space issues for a while, especially when it came to men, and the absolute last thing they needed was for Daniel to go mental if Jack or Teal'c got a little to close on a mission. Well, maybe not Jack because he knew of Daniel's history and would know not to aggravate him further, but Teal'c would respond to aggression with more aggression, with the bigger, strong Jaffa winning, and that may just be the assault on his pride and personal space that would send him into a mental decline. Yes, definitely no offworld travel for the time being.
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Daniel showed up at Samantha's office the next day, contrition written all over his face. He knew there wasn't much he could say or do to make up for his behaviour the day before – or, come to think of it – the day before that – but he owed it to their relationship to try. He loved Samantha, both as a friend and maybe something more – it was hard to tell with the spectre of Sha're hanging over him, but his gut told him it could be something pretty special, more so even then what he'd had with his wife – and he couldn't imagine not having her in his life. He was deeply sorry he'd treated her the way he had, and he couldn't bear the thought of having her hate him.
"Will you accept an apology from a man who was really, really stupid?" he pleaded when she looked up to see him standing in her doorway, apprehensive about even entering her office – her space.
He certainly looked sorry, and Samantha didn't doubt the sincerity of his words, but she felt haunted by his actions the day before. He had wanted to control her, like a beast of burden to be broken in and not a human being who deserved respect. And McKenzie's vauge warnings on top of that – "What's wrong, Daniel?" she asked. "This isn't just about Hathor, that much I know. There's something go on with you and I think I have a right to know."
He smiled awkwardly, a Daniel smile, belonging to the slightly unsure archaeologist and linguist that she loved. "It's nothing," he said, and she almost believed him. God knew, she wanted to believe him, and she certainly wouldn't have been the first person to believe what they wanted to believe.
She sighed. "I want to believe you, I really do, " she said. "You scared me yesterday, Daniel. I told you I didn't want to and – " she felt tears welling in her eyes, and she hated herself for being emotional.
"Can I come in?" Daniel asked. Samantha nodded, touched that he was so concerned with respecting her personal space. He was remorseful, she knew that because she knew him. Daniel quickly crossed the space between them and took her gently in his arms. "I'm so, so sorry, sweetheart," he said softly, kissing the top of her head gently. He was so gentle, so tender – Samantha's heart ached to be with him. This was the Daniel Jackson that she knew and loved. "I can't explain it, but I just went a little crazy yesterday."
"Over Hathor?" Samantha prompted.
It was as good an excuse as any, and it was kind of close to the truth, as close to the truth as Daniel would admit. What he couldn't admit to, not in front of this woman that he loved so much, was that he'd been repeatedly molested by his foster father when he was sixteen. "Yes," he admitted. "I didn't sleep very well that night – I had a nightmare over it. I felt so helpless and powerless – I wanted to be in control." It was close enough to the truth that she wouldn't look into it any further.
He was crying now, and how could Samantha possibly hold his actions against him? He was clearly troubled, and she loved him too much to take him to task over his actions. "It's OK," she said. "I just wanted you to talk to me… instead of taking it out on me."
He was sobbing in earnest now, and she stroked his hair comfortingly. "I treated you like a whore," he said. "I don't know how you can stand to be here with me."
"Because I know that wasn't you, and I trust you," Samantha said softly. She gently shifted Daniel's head so his tear-stained eyes were looking into hers. "Why don't we just forget it ever happened?" she suggested. If Daniel kept acting like his usual – albeit teary – self, she was sure she could forget he'd ever treated her like he had yesterday. Hell, cradling him in his arms right now, it was almost impossible to believe this was the same Daniel who had manipulated her yesterday. She had already forgiven him ; she was confident she could forget as well.
Daniel nodded and ventured a quick, chaste peck on the forehead ; he was like an unsure schoolboy with his first crush. It was sweet, and reassuring, because it meant he was Her Daniel. Impulsively, she threw her arms around his neck. "Why don't you take me out tonight?" she suggested. "Just the two of us."
"You mean… like a date?"
Samantha nodded coyly. It was strange how, in light of Daniel's own chaste, unsure behaviour, she was acting a little schoolgirlish herself. Or maybe it was just that she hadn't feel really infatuated – dare she call it 'in love'? – for a while, and it was a heady feeling. "That is… if you want to."
Daniel smiled happily through his tears. "Of course I want to," he said, and kissed her again on the cheek. "I'll pick you up at seven?"
Samantha nodded. Of course he'd want to drive, it was a male thing, but she figured it was OK to grant him that one concession. "Deal," she agreed, and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek of his own.
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At two in the morning, Samantha flopped on her back on her bed, the sheets a tangled mess, their bodies slick with sweat. After three rounds, they were both completely exhausted. They had made a silent agreement that they wouldn't end up in be together, of course, but when the night had gone so incredibly, it was impossible not to follow it through to its natural conclusion – three hours of thrashing around in bed in passion that was as mutually respectful as it was steamy.
She snuggled up to him, and he wrapped an arm around her tightly. It had been an incredible night. Daniel had been nothing short of gentlemanly all night, taking her out to dinner and a movie. They had talked for hours in the way that only they could, and as every minute passed, their attraction for one another had become increasingly obvious.
He had never made a move on her, save for holding her hand, until after the movie when they'd gone for a walk together, he'd shyly asked if he could put his arm around her – that was Her Daniel alright. They'd talked, laughed, connected, all the while all too aware of their mutual attraction.
He'd driven her home, and she'd invited him in for coffee. She'd put the pot on, although they'd never gotten to it. They retreated to the living room where they continued to talk, and she cut him off mid-sentence to kiss him. It had been a gentle, apprehensive kiss as neither of them were sure of what the other wanted.
For a brief ,moment, Daniel kissed her back, just as gently, just as apprehensively, before he pulled away slightly to look her in the eyes. "Is this what you want?" he asked. "I don't want to make you do anything you don't want to."
She'd smiled and kissed him again. "I want to," she confirmed. That Daniel only wanted what she was willing to give confirmed how much she loved him – and that he was Her Daniel. Whatever had caused him to behave as he had the last two days, she was sure it was over.
Three hours later, exhausted, they lay in bed together. "That was incredible," she murmured appreciatively.
Daniel's eyes bored into hers intensely, searching for some kind of assurance. "I want to tell you something," he said. "And I don't care if you can't return the sentiment, but I'm scared you'll freak out on me."
Samantha's heart flooded with joy when she realised what Daniel was aiming at. "I love you too," she blurted out, and hoped that was what he meant.
He smiled at her adoringly. "I love you, Sam," he said sincerely. "I was worried that you wouldn't – couldn't – love me back after… " he trailled off, and the remorse was clear in his eyes.
She cupped his face in his hand. "I love you," she said honestly. "I don't care about what you did. I understand. I love you anyway, what kind of love would that be if I didn't?"
"I love you more then anything, Sam, and I don't want to hurt you," Daniel said. "If you were smart, you wouldn't get involved with me." It was the closest he could come to admitting that his personal demons stretched much further back then the day before yesterday.
"I'm staying with you because I'm smart," Samantha corrected. Privately, Daniel's insistence that she leave for her own good troubled her. Clearly, there was something going on in his head that had been there before Hathor – long before Hathor. She wished he would tell her what it was, but she was confident she could get him to open up eventually. "I love you, you're stuck with me."
That seemed to reassure Daniel somewhat, and he drifted asleep in her arms. Samantha stayed awake for a little longer, plagued by thoughts that Daniel was hiding something from her – something big. Eventually, getting nowhere, she resigned herself to the fact he would tell her when he was ready, and in the meantime, they would build on their new relationship. Perhaps, when she saw that she was here to stay and trusted her more, he would tell her.
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Three months laterSamantha retreated to the locked sanctuary that was her office to cry over the latest humiliation Daniel had inflicted on her. She had long given up on trying to control her tears when it came to the aftermath of Daniel in one of his 'moods' – that was how Samantha thought of it. His perversions was closer to the truth, although it had been pretty mild this time, like it always was on the base – comparatively speaking.
He liked to dominate, be aggressive, and he was becoming more so, with more frequency. He liked to control her, bend her to his will. Increasingly, his preferred position was to bend her over his desk and take her from behind – hard. Increasingly, he preferred hard sex, and whatever Daniel preferred…
And he always – always – made her climax. No matter how degrading his 'preferences' got, he could always make her climax. He was an incredibly skilled and manipulative lover, he could make her accept just about anything the way he touched her. He could always make her body say yes, at least for as long as it took, while her mind was saying no. That was real control.
To be fair, he wasn't always like that. Especially the day after a particularly debasing night, he was always contrite, and always became the gentle, sensitive man – and lover – she'd fallen in love with. Although he never had the shy uncertainty that he'd possessed on their first date – even when he was sensitive, he was never unsure of himself. And Samantha always missed that Daniel.
Her wistfulness was interrupted by a frown. Those nights were becoming increasingly few and far between – Samantha was beginning to suspect it was a technique he employed when he'd pushed her too far, to reel her back in. He knew she was in love with him, and ever so often he reminded her of what he could be like – if only to draw her back in. It was no less manipulative a technique then making her climax while he was debasing her, albeit a more palatable technique.
And she was in love with him. More then that, it was like she was addicted to him. She had been in love with mentally unstable men before – her ex Jonas came to mind – and she'd had the confidence to walk away. But this time was different. This time, she knew she was allowing Daniel to drag her down with him – but she kept hoping that, give him enough time and he'd return to the man she loved.
Instead, he was becoming increasingly aggressive. Not to mention he wasn't sleeping well – he looked constantly exhausted. Samantha suspected he was having nightmares – but not about Hathor. One night, six weeks ago, the last night they'd spent together, she'd been woken up by his distressed whimperings, crying out the name 'John'. When she'd asked him the next morning who John was, he'd completely ignored her, and from then on, they always had sex at her place, so he had an excuse to leave – something lame, like he could only sleep well in his bed. Bullshit. She had seen him sleep well enough on the hard ground of various planets, and anyway, it was clear by his increasingly haggard expression that he wasn't sleeping well in his own bed, either.
She'd asked McKenzie who 'John' was. The man seemed to know an awful lot about Daniel's past, maybe he knew who John was. The psychiatrist had looked surprised Samantha had managed to extract such a name from Daniel, and quickly ran off the 'confidential' crap – just before warning Samantha that Daniel was extremely troubled at the moment, and if she knew what was good for her, she'd call it off with him.
Like she didn't already know that. Like she wouldn't call it off if she could. But every time she made up her mind, he seduced her into staying a little longer, hoping she could see whatever trouble his mind was wallowing it through to its conclusion – and his own stability.
There were times that Daniel could be gentle and sensitive, concerning himself only with her pleasure – and other times he would work her up quickly and screwing her hard and fast, leaving her unsatisfied. And then there were the times when he could be cruel and humiliating… Samantha felt fresh tears spring to her eyes when she thought about the dozens of nights – and days – when Daniel had demanded all manner of things of her. And… she'd… given… in. Because he could touch her in a way that would make anything seem worth it until the time – until it was over, and he showed her the indifference he would a prostitute. She suspected that was the true nature of their relationship – that she was a sexual being for him to control.
She wracked her brains for an explanation for his behaviour. Ever the scientist, she knew there had to be a reason for it. It wasn't just about Hathor, although she knew, from McKenzie's hints and her own understanding, that that was the catalyst. Goddamnit, if he would only open up to her – if someone would only fill her in on what was driving Daniel's behaviour.
While she was trying to come out with answers that eluded her, there was a knock on the door. "Sam, it's Janet, do you have a moment?" her friend's voice came through the door, a little apprehensive. No doubt Janet was here to try once more to convince Samantha to call it off with Daniel. Several times Janet had given Samantha physicals about particularly rough nights with Daniel, and she was asking hard questions about it. Samantha had taken to seeing her GP, a man who knew to keep his mouth shut. She would really rather just avoid another series of questions from Janet, but there wasn't much help for it. She knew her friend, and she knew Janet would just stay outside the door until Samantha opened it.
She opened the door. Janet looked worried, and even more so when she saw that Samantha was clearly upset – no doubt about Daniel. She'd been crying, and her clothes looked dishevelled – and BDUs were designed not to wrinkle easily. Well, what Janet had to say would only upset Samantha more – but it had to be said. Any fool could see that something was troubling Daniel, but Janet was fast losing sympathy for him for the way he was treating Samantha. He was possessive and controlling and several things that Janet wouldn't say out loud. Hathor's assault on him had almost certainly done something to his mind, and he was trying to regain control by controlling someone else – Samantha. And she loved him, the fool, too much to walk away – or maybe it was that she didn't have the confidence to walk away. Hopefully what Janet had to say would make her revalue that decision.
"You don't look so great," Janet couldn't help but remarking.
Samantha smiled thinly. "The usual," she said vaguely, meaning 'the usual trouble with Daniel'. It made Janet's heart ache to see what he was putting her through – almost as much as it made her heart ache to know Daniel must be seriously troubled to put her through that. But she had more loyalty to Samantha then she did to Daniel. McKenzie could deal with Daniel, if it lay within the psychiatrist's abilities.
Samantha noticed that Janet looked pretty troubled herself. "What's up?" she asked, putting her own problems on the backburner for a while.
"I have something to tell you, and I don't think you'll like it," Janet blurted out. "It's about Daniel."
There was a tone in Janet's voice, which took Samantha's instincts back to high school, where even for tomboys like her the rule #1 among girls was you never stole each other's boyfriends. The sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach told her where this was going. "You mean, you and Daniel," she clarified evenly, struggling to keep her emotions in check. Whatever he had done this time was too much, even for him.
Janet nodded miserably. After a day's thought, she still wasn't sure how it had happened. She had gone to his office to confront him over the way he was treating Samantha. In the last three months, she had been admitting herself to the infirmary complaining of various injuries that Janet knew, as a doctor, could most likely be chalked up to aggressive sexual practices. She figured she'd asked too many personal questions, because Samantha was seeing someone else about it now. But just because Samantha was seeing someone else, it didn't mean she'd forgotten. Her friend was becoming increasingly distant lately, dragged down by whatever was haunting Daniel. She'd tried to talk to Samantha, and that hadn't achieved anything, so she figured it was time to confront Daniel.
She'd let him have it with both barrels – after her chauvinistic, abusive ex husband, she was hardly going to take the kind of crap from a man that Samantha was taking from Daniel. Maybe she could scare him off – Janet could be pretty scary sometimes. It was amazing how effective threats of sexual harassment suits could be.
But instead of being intimidated by her, Daniel had merely looked at her. He'd always thought Janet was quite attractive, but it had never occurred to him to do anything about it. Your girlfriend's friends tended to be out of bounds. But the passion she was displaying, even if it was anger directed at him…
She shivered when she remembered that Look, and Samantha understood what that was about. She had no idea where he'd learnt it, but Daniel could have a woman hook with just a Look. A look would permit a caress, a caress would permit a kiss, and kiss would permit just about anything he could think of – she should know, he had thought of just about everything in the last three weeks. And she had permitted everything, because of what he could do to her.
Janet was sobbing now, something about bending her over his desk. Samantha smiled grimly. Yes, that was Daniel alright. "I knew it was wrong… I wanted him to stop… I told him to stop… I could have fought harder, if I'd wanted to, but – "
"He made it feel so good," Samantha finished. Janet nodded tearfully. "Daniel can do that to you. It's not your fault. I bet after he said something like 'you can go now' and acted like you were a prostitute."
Janet nodded gratefully ; she had expected Samantha to be more angry. She was angry, Janet could see, just not at her – at Daniel. "Daniel's…troubled," Samantha said, and Janet knew if she didn't love Daniel so much she wouldn't have used such a kind word. "I knew what he was capable of – I just didn't think he'd go this far. So I guess I didn't know what he was capable of. I'm sorry."
"You're sorry?" Janet asked incredulously. She'd heard of battered wives' syndrome of course, but this was ridiculous.
"I mean, I'm sorry I let it go this far. I'm sorry I didn't tell you what he was like. I'm sorry I put you in that position." Samantha sighed deeply and buried her head in her hands. "I don't know what's wrong with him, Jan, and I don't know what's wrong with me to put up with it." She started crying when she thought about Daniel and his steady moral disintegration – he was nothing like the man she loved, and she had to accept that. "I'll talk to him tonight."
Janet looked concerned. "Alone? Are you sure that's a good idea? I can come with you if you like." She had a new appreciation for what Daniel was able to do to a woman once he got her alone. No wonder Samantha was so distracted these days, if he'd been doing that and worse to her for the last three months. She could definitely do with some company. Even in his present state of mind, Daniel would think twice about taking them both on.
Samantha shook her head. "Thanks," she said. "But I need to do this on my own." She knew what Janet was concerned about, but she figured she was too angry to let Daniel get the better of her this time. What he had done was unconscionable. He had slept with her best friend with no thought of either Janet or herself. Then again, given what she'd been letting him get away with these past three months, it was no wonder he'd thought he had a right to act like that.
Well, no more. She wasn't going to tolerate it anymore. It was over between her and Daniel. She made a mental note to tell McKenzie every last detail of his behaviour. She'd been a fool to think if she waited patiently he would eventually revert back to the Daniel Jackson she knew and loved. McKenzie could deal with him from now on, if it was within the psychiatrist's ability.
That evening, she waited for Daniel to come by. It was a standing arrangement between them, instigated by him ; whenever they had the same night off, he would come over, they'd have sex a few times and he'd leave. She wouldn't let him get away with that again.
When she opened the door, Daniel took her in his arms and kissed her possessively – typical of him. No 'hello', just a steamy kiss, a prelude for things to come. He didn't even act like his behaviour that afternoon was worth apologising over.
She struggled against his hold. "Daniel, slow down," she ordered him. "We need to talk."
"We'll talk later," he said huskily. God, she was such a turn-on. He'd been so horny lately, he couldn't get enough sex. He felt a little remorse for having sex with Janet yesterday, but the way he saw it, it was her own fault for being so provocative. He loved it when women showed spirit – it was a challenge to curb them, like an untamed animal… He remembered the way Janet had yelped in indignation when he'd kissed her, how she'd struggled against him and how her struggling had become weaker and weaker the harder he kissed her, the more provocatively he touched her. She had protested, of course, when he'd pushed her across his desk but her 'no's' had quickly died down when he slipped his fingers inside her – and then something more substantial. He loved that he'd had the ability to make her body betray her mind – that was real power.
Just thinking about it was giving him a hard-on, and he began kissing Samantha more aggressively. She could feel him against her thigh, and she was disgusted with his behaviour. "Daniel, stop it," she ordered. "We really need to talk."
Reluctantly, he withdrew. "About what?" he asked sullenly. Women, always wanting to talk. Didn't they say actions spoke louder then words?
"About Janet," she said pointedly.
Daniel's expression fell. He had honestly thought she would keep it to herself. Weren't women like that, didn't want their girlfriends to know what bitches they really were? "She was asking for it," he said, even more sullenly.
Samantha stared at him incredulously. "That's the best excuse you can come up with?" she asked. "You're sick, Daniel, if you think Janet would ever come onto you."
Daniel's eyes flashed dangerously. "You think she's too good for me?" he demanded. He'd seduced much more high-profile, much wealthier women then a crummy doctor in the airforce. Janet should be grateful he'd deigned to service her. "You think you're too good for me?"
"I think any woman's too good for you in your state of mind," Samantha retorted. "What the hell is wrong with you? You used to be so nice."
"I haven't heard you complaining," Daniel challenged. "And Janet didn't complain much, either," he added smugly. "I guess she's as much of a whore as you are."
Samantha slapped Daniel as hard as she could, sending him reeling. "Go to hell," she yelled at him. "It's over."
She turned to leave, despite the fact it was her house – she just wanted to be out of here, away from Daniel's and his sick mind – and Daniel grabbed her, holding her tightly around the waist. "It's over when I say it's over," he hissed in her ear, and he dragged her, kicking and screaming to her room.
He tossed her onto the bed, forcing her onto her hands and knees. "Daniel, please…" Samantha begged, and he grunted in satisfaction. He much preferred it when Samantha was subservient, asking instead of ordering. "I don't want this."
"You raped me."
"I did not. You wanted it, I could tell by the way you've been looking at me."
Daniel pulled down Samantha's pants roughly and began to finger her. He grunted with further satisfaction when she began responding the way he wanted, groaning with desire against her will. Stupid bitch, they were all whores, they all wanted it, deep down. He'd show her…
It was over quickly ; he brought her to a violent orgasm as tears streamed down her cheeks. Somehow, this was the worst Daniel had ever been, maybe because the contempt her felt for her while he was screwing her was almost tangible, a physical element. "You enjoy that, sweetheart?" he asked callously as he withdrew from her and zipped up his pants.
She struggled into her own clothes and turned around to face him, her cheeks tearstained, her eyes blazing with fury. "You raped me!" she yelled.
"You came!" he yelled back.
"Just because I orgasmed doesn't mean I wanted it," she yelled, not caring what the neighbours must think. "What the hell is wrong with you, Daniel? Something's wrong with you, you've been falling apart ever since Hathor – "
"Nothing is wrong with me," he said coolly. "You're just asking far too much of me."
"To treat me with a bit of respect, you mean?" Samantha asked. She couldn't believe this was her Daniel. He was a monster. "Get out," she ordered, her voice low. "I never want to see you again. It's over."
He scowled. Uppity bitch. Well, there were plenty more fish in the sea. "Fine," he spat. "I was bored with you anyway." And with that, he stormed off, leaving Samantha to cry.
It was over. Not that she'd had any other option. If Daniel had displayed any kind of remorse – but he'd acted like he had a right to any woman he wanted, like just because he had the skill to bring a woman to orgasm meant he had the right to have sex with her against her will. Her – Janet – God knew who else.
Oh, Daniel, she thought as she cried her heart out. What the hell has happened to you?
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Daniel woke up at three in the morning in a cold sweat. The nightmare was always the same, but this night, it had been the worst ever. He could physically feel the agony from the assault, and it took several minutes for the pain to subside, even if it was only in his head.
Crying hysterically, he gulped desperately for air. It had been so long since he'd had a decent night's sleep, always haunted by the memories of John Brown and his abuse of Daniel. He always woke up feeling dirty to the core, completely helpless. The only way he knew to feel more in control was to exert it on others – particularly women, who were weaker and susceptible to his hard-learned charms.
As soon as the pain subsided, his guilty conscience kicked it. He had treated Samantha abominably. He had treated her like a whore, she who had been trying to get through to him for the last three months. He couldn't believe she had stuck with him for so long.
He started to cry again. Suddenly he needed to see her desperately, with a need that he couldn't understand. He thought about the few times he'd felt safe in the last three months, and they had all been with Samantha. She had brought something out in him – and he had repaid her by treating her like a whore.
Without thinking about what he was doing, he got out of bed, threw on a tracksuit and left his apartment. All he could think about was seeing her. He didn't know what he was going to do, didn't know what he was going to say, could only think about seeing her.
So at half past three in the morning, he was on Samantha's front doorstep, trying to get her to open the door.
She knew who it was, even before he started to speak through the door. Only Daniel was crazy enough to show up this early in the morning. Anyone else would have at least called first.
"Go away!" she said through the door. "I told you, it's over."
"Please," he begged, sliding against the door to sit on the front step. "I need to talk to you… I need you…"
She stood on the other side of the door. She wanted to let him in, but she couldn't take it anymore. There was something deeply disturbed about him, but if he wouldn't let her into his damaged psyche, there was nothing else she could do. "You need help," she said.
"I need you," he sobbed. "Please, Sam, let me in. I won't hurt you anymore. I'm sorry – I didn't mean to hurt you – I'm so screwed up right now… please, Sam, let me in…please…"
She felt her body tremble with unshed tears. She loved Daniel and it broke her heart to see him like this. But instinct told her to wait a few minutes, let him unburden himself a little more. Tell me what's wrong, she willed him silently. Tell me, baby.
He continued to babble through his tears. "Let me in… I won't hurt you… I need you… please, baby… please…I'm sorry I did the things I did, I'm sorry I hurt you… you don't know what happened to me…"
Samantha balled her hands into fists, feeling her nails dig into her skin – at least she kept them military-regulation length. Tell me, she begged Daniel.
His tears gradually subsided as he realised Samantha wasn't going to let him in and he talked mostly to himself, and to her, if she cared at her. He wouldn't blame her if she didn't, after what he'd done to her. "They say that most abusers were abused themselves," he said ruefully, bitterly. "Open the door, baby. I need to tell you something. I need to tell you…when I was sixteen…" he took a deep, ragged breath. It was now or never, and desperation drove him. "… When I was sixteen… I was raped."