Please, no doctors, psychiatrists or the like writing in to complain about my bullshit medical science/psychology. This is a work of fiction, and I have added details that work in the context of the story rather then focus of actually drug treatment and psychological treatment. You have been warned…
For three nightmarish months Daniel was at the mercy of John Brown. He forced himself on his ward two or three times every week. For a week, Daniel put his best efforts into being anywhere but his foster home, but he had to go home sometime, and when he did, he discovered that whatever punishment John dreamed up for his 'insubordinance' was far worse then the actual assaults.
A few times he tried to fight John's unwelcome advances, only to be beaten into submission before being assaulted. From a survival perspective, it made sense that Daniel soon acquiesced to John's assaults without a fight, but he had never really forgiven himself for it. 'Letting' yourself be raped took some accepting.
It had come to an end when his social worker, Amanda Parker, had dropped in for a surprise visit. Letting herself into the unlocked house, she had walked in on them. Even in a cash-strapped environment where victims of foster abuse often went unheard, it was hard to ignore the damning evidence in Daniel's case. It helped that Amanda had felt personal responsibility, and had herself taken him in and pulled strings to get him extensive therapy.
By that point, the damage had been done, and it took the better part of ten years of therapy before he felt something resembling normal. In the meantime, he made himself feel more secure in his sexuality by pursuing every female who was willing. He started out with Crystal, a local fifteen-year-old girl who had a reputation for being easy. She had been happy to let him screw her, and more then happy when he'd wanted to experiment on her, discovering ways to make women happy. An important part of his well-practiced heterosexuality was that he could have any woman he wanted, and he could make any woman want it.
By the time he dumped Crystal four months later for giving him gonorrhoea he was well on his way. He'd been accepted for an early admission into university, and despite his age he'd made impressive inroads in the female population, always honing his skills even as he applied his brilliant mind to his studies. In a few years, he could get any woman he wanted into bed. He knew how give a look that would grant a kiss, a kiss that would grant a caress, and caress that could get even the most reserved of women into bed. And he was always so charming about it, that they couldn't possibly hold it against him when he moved on to someone new.
For all his skirt-chasing, Daniel had been well-adjusted for years, enough that he got past a team of psychiatrists to join the Stargate program. And then there had been Sha're, who he'd loved to distraction, who he'd loved enough to be faithful to. He'd thought his life was completely turned around. And then Hathor came along…
Daniel wept uncontrollably in Samantha's arms as he told her every miserable detail of his life up to joining the Stargate program.What had taken a string of psychiatrists several years to draw out of him, he told in a few minutes, he was so scared of losing Samantha.
He couldn't bear to look at her when he finished until she said softly, "Look at me, Danny. I'm not mad at you, I just want you to look at me."
Reluctantly, he raised his head so his tear-stained eyes met hers. For a brief moment, he searched for hate or contempt in her eyes, and found none. Not knowing what else to do, she wiped his tears away in a simple, intimate gesture. What could you say when the love of your life had just told you they'd been abused as a teenager? Rage filled her heart. That someone could do that to Daniel – "Do you know what's happened to him?" she asked impulsively. She immediately looked apologetic. "Sorry," she said sheepishly. "If you don't want to talk about it – "
"He's dead," Daniel said flatly. Later, he'd tell Samantha that he killed himself rather then be branded a paedophile, but right now he was too heartsore to say anymore.
Samantha drew Daniel against her tightly, wishing there was some way she could turn her love into a protective force. "I wish you'd have told me sooner," she said.
"And said what?" Daniel asked. He didn't need to say anymore ; Samantha appreciate how hard it had been for him to come here tonight. He must be really scared of losing her…
"You've hurt me, a lot," Samantha said. "I want you to see McKenzie – seriously, no half-assed crap that you've been doing." Which she knew about on account that McKenzie had complained about it between warnings to stay away.
Daniel nodded. There was something in Samantha's voice that made him think there was still hope for them. "And no more of your perversions. I mean that. If you pull any of that crap on me again, that's it, we're finished."
He looked at her hopefully. "You mean –?"
"You mean am I going to give you a second chance?" Samantha asked. "Yes. But just one, Daniel, I mean it – you screw me over again and that's it."
Daniel nodded. "I'm sorry," he said. He knew he couldn't apologise enough, it would always be something he could never make up to Samantha, but he could try. "I don't deserve you."
She stroked his hair. He looked so pitiful, almost broken… "You didn't deserve what he did to you," she corrected, and when she thought about it, she felt like crying herself. No-one should have to go through that. It was why she couldn't hate him for what he'd done to her. She understood now what memories Hathor had dredged up so she couldn't hate him – at least not right now.
"I want you to stay with me tonight," she said.
He looked at her with fear in his eyes. "I can't," he said pitifully. "I get nightmares."
"You had a nightmare tonight, that's why you came here?" Samantha asked. Daniel nodded. It must have been one hell of a bad dream to make him come to her house at three in the morning. "Then my being here isn't going to change anything."
"I don't want you to see me like that," he said softly.
"I've seen plenty of that side of you, Daniel," she reminded him gently. "I want you to stay so I know you're safe. We'll see McKenzie tomorrow, together, and see how he can help."
Daniel nodded, soothed by Samantha's calming, controlled words. Part of him was petrified of letting Samantha into his tortured mind. But another part, the part that was dominating right now, was glad to have her hear. She loved him, he knew that now – you only took the kind of crap from a person that Daniel had given Samantha and stood by them if you truly loved them – and for some reason, he found that calming.
Daniel found it difficult to sleep with Samantha, even more difficult then it was to sleep alone. It was a relief to have finally told her, but it created its own problems – like it all become more real, something he couldn't ignore anymore.
Samantha felt his anxiousness, knew it was because of her, and was pained because there was nothing she could do about it – other then be there for him, which, at the moment, seemed pretty ineffectual. She held his head against her chest, stroking his hair, which he seemed to find soothing. While he struggled to find sleep, she struggled to come to terms with what Daniel had told her.
Clearly, the therapy he'd gone to had helped him a lot, otherwise he would never have gotten clearance for the Stargate program. The military tended to frown on people who were likely to go mental in a mostly male environment – which explained why Daniel had been indefinitely grounded from going offworld.
Jack must have known, Samantha realised. He would have had to, as part of taking Daniel on his team. But Teal'c probably didn't, and Samantha could imagine a dozen scenarios where the Jaffa could have intruded on Daniel's personal space in his current state of mind, with disastrous consequences. She didn't know if Daniel had come to that conclusion himself, but there was no way he was in a position to work as part of a predominantly-male team in what were often high-stress situations.
That Jack must have known and didn't tell her, even though he knew about her relationship with Daniel, hurt Samantha. No, more like it frustrated her, because at the very lest, Jack, Hammond and McKenzie would have known, and they all let her struggle with his aggression as best she could. She supposed there was such thing as confidentiality but goddamnit, she should have been told.
They did kind of tell you, she reminded herself. They had all at some point told her it was in her best interest to stay away. And she had ignored him, because she loved Daniel.When Daniel was better, she was going to wrangle something really good out of him for this. Like a five-star holiday to the Bahamas, at the very least.
Oh, who was she kidding? She was doing this because she loved him. Just so long as she got a little gratitude at the end of it, that was all she cared about. That, and Her Daniel. That was all she wanted. It had been all she ever wanted.
A thought occurred to her. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to…" she started apprehensively, thinking it was an inappropriate thing to bring up, but she was dying of curiosity.
"You want to know if I was faithful to Sha're."
In the short time she'd known him, she'd never been able to get one over him for long because he knew her way of thinking too well. It was kind of aggravating, but it was also kind of nice, because it showed that he knew her. "Yeah," she admitted. Daniel had more at less admitted being with one woman wasn't his thing. What did that say for them? She thought she could overlook his indiscretion with Janet (although she was planning to extract a heartfelt apology out of him over it) because he wasn't exactly in his right mind at the moment, but if playing the field was his nature, she didn't think she could put up with that.
"Sha're pretty much demanded fidelity from me," Daniel admitted. "I never cheated on her per se, but she caught me perving on her cousin once, and really gave me what for over it. She said I could have any woman I wanted, of I could have her, but not both. She could be pretty feisty when she wanted to be. I loved her, and I wanted her more then I wanted anyone else. It was a pretty easy decision once I put my mind to it."
"And if I made the same demand of you?" Samantha asked softly.
Daniel turned to face her. "I'm sorry about Janet, Sam," he said with quiet conviction. "Because it was a rotten thing to do and because I cheated on you. I swear it was the only time. I can be faithful if you want me to be."
"Of course I want you to be faithful, Daniel," Samantha chided him gently. "I think I can deal with this – " she said, meaning his general crappy state of mind and the long hard road back to normalcy, " but I don't think I can deal with the idea of you and – other women." She could hear her voice breaking at the thought.
Daniel stroked her face gently. "I'm sorry about Janet," he said again, and she knew it was something he would feel remorse over for some time. "There won't be any other women, I promise. Only you."
She knew from the conviction in his voice that he was telling the truth. She knew that he loved her. She also knew that it wouldn't be easy to fix Daniel's damaged mind but she loved him and she knew, so long as he wanted to get better, that she had to see it through with him. For better or worse.
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The next day she practically had to drag him to the base. That he was apprehensive was an understatement to say the least. She knew he was worried because things had suddenly become a lot more real, which was why she was so determined to make him go. She thought if she cut him the smallest amount of slack he would bolt.
She held his hand tightly as they entered the base. "I don't think I can do this," he whispered, clearly anxious.
"If you don't do this I will leave," she said firmly. "I meant what I said last night, Daniel. No more crap. You accept help or you're on your own."
Her words had the desired affect ; she was a little touched that he feared losing her more then he feared facing his demons.
They went to McKenzie's office, who, needless to say, was surprised to see Samantha there – with Daniel in tow. He had been trying to connect with both of them, with little success. Daniel had resisted every attempt to tap into his damaged mind, and Samantha had seemed determined to ignore the fact there was something clearly wrong with Daniel. He wondered what had happened to change both their minds.
"Do you have a moment?" Samantha asked hopefully. Daniel just looked grim.
"Let me just make some arrangements," McKenzie said, and then he ordered his secretary to rearrange his morning so he could fit the two clearly troubled people in. He had been trying to connect with them for three months, damned if he was giving up the opportunity now. "Take a seat," he said.
Daniel and Samantha sat. "What did you want to talk to me about?" he asked pleasantly, although he had a fair idea. It was clear from their body language that Samantha had dragged Daniel here. Well, just the fact that he had come at all had to be something.
Daniel gripped Samantha's hand tightly, bending her fingers back and forth with some amount of force until Samantha winced with pain. "Sorry," he mumbled. He wouldn't look at either Samantha or McKenzie, rather, he stared at the wall.
"Daniel?" McKenzie prompted. "Is there something you wanted to say?"
"I raped Sam," he whispered hoarsely.
"I'm sorry, could you repeat that?" McKenzie thought he'd heard Daniel correctly, but the ramifications were terrible to contemplate. Not that he was really surprised. He'd been trying to warn Samantha about Daniel for three months now but he'd been bound by doctor-patient confidentiality, and she'd been blinded by love.
"I SAID I RAPED SAM!" Daniel yelled, and McKenzie was glad he'd thought to have his walls soundproofed. You never knew who was snooping around. Clearly, the man was close to breaking point. Definitely Samantha who had made him come here. It wasn't an ideal solution, he would have preferred Daniel come of his own accord, but it was better then nothing, and it was clear the man was remorseful – and upset, and depressed, and generally troubled…
Over the next long and painful hour, Daniel, sometimes prompted by Samantha, related everything he'd done in the last three months, mainly concerning his relationship with Samantha and the feelings of powerlessness that fed his abusive streak… there were times that Samantha looked ready to break down herself, and she blanched visibly when Daniel came to the incident with Janet, but she kept holding his hand supportively. The woman was one tower of strength. Daniel was incredibly lucky to have her.
When Daniel was finished, McKenzie turned to Samantha. "Captain Carter, I'd like to speak to Daniel alone for a while," he said. "Would you mind…?"
Samantha stood up. "Of course not," she said. Truth be told, she would be glad to take a break from this depressing atmosphere. It had only been an hour and already she was beginning to understood why Daniel would rather let his abusive side take control then face his demons. Besides, there was someone she needed to talk to.
She made her way down to the infirmary, where Janet spent most of her time. "Hey," she greeted her friend.
Janet certainly looked more composed then she had yesterday, but then, Samantha hadn't exactly been at her finest either. "Hey you," Janet said. "How are things going?"
She meant did you talk to Daniel? so Samantha decided to get straight into it. "Daniel told me what happened to him – why he's been acting the way he has. Normally I wouldn't be telling you, but I figured you had a right to know…"
She launched into Daniel's story, giving Janet the most abridged version she could. As she had told Janet, normally she wouldn't even have told her, but Janet had a right to know, given she too had been a victim of Daniel's abuse. And Samantha needed Janet to understand why she was staying with Daniel. For three months, she had put up with his abuse with no-one telling her the full story ; she wouldn't put Janet through that same frustration.
For several minutes, Janet listened in horror as she was filled in on Daniel's sordid history. "I had no idea…" she said when Samantha was finished. She had momentarily forgotten the abuse he had inflicted on her – not to mention Samantha – in light of his own suffering.
"No-one did," Samantha said. "Well, not many. He said Hammond, Jack and McKenzie knew, part of his security clearance. And he chose to keep it from everyone else. I can kind of understand it, but…"
"He should have told you," Janet offered. Samantha nodded. "You're a stronger woman then I am, Sam." Or maybe a weaker one, but Janet wasn't about to say that. "You must really love him."
Samantha nodded. "I do," she admitted. "I know he's done some rotten things, Jan, but I can't walk away from him – I love him and he needs me."
"I can see that," Janet said wryly. "So what do you want from me? My blessing?" She might have gained a better insight into why Daniel had been acting the way he had, but his assault on her was still quite fresh in her memory. She couldn't give her permission to the relationship just yet.
"No," Samantha said. It was obvious Janet had her doubts and wasn't about to give them her blessing. She was disappointed, although it was to be expected, and Samantha knew it her heart that she was doing the right thing. It wasn't just that Daniel needed her, which he did, it was that she loved him more then anything in the world. She had to see him through this, or at least try. "I just thought I'd let you know why he's been acting the way he has – so maybe you don't hate him as much."
Rather then deal with the awkward silence that would ensue, Samantha chose that moment to make her exit. She took a long walk around the base to give McKenzie and Daniel a little more time before she made her way to the psychiatrist's office.
Daniel was already gone when Samantha returned, something she had been hoping for. She had a feeling Daniel would want to be left a alone for a little while. She imagined whatever had gone on in McKenzie's office had been confronting.
"Captain Carter, sit down," McKenzie said when he saw Samantha. Samantha sat. McKenzie consulted his notes before saying, "Daniel wanted me to go over with you the same things that I went over with him. He requested some time by himself to soak it in, so I think you should leave him be fore a day."
Samantha nodded. "I can manage that," she said. "So what – what exactly is… the problem?" It felt like such a poor choice of words, but she didn't know what else to call it.
"In a nutshell, Daniel's deeply depressed, among other things. His experiences in his third foster home have all come back to the surface because of the incident with Hathor. If it had been just about his foster father or just about Hathor, that would have been easy enough to deal with but the two together, well, his mind just couldn't handle it. He's highly strung-out and harbouring feelings of helplessness – I'm sure you're intelligent enough to work out that what's been fuelling his aggressiveness."
Samantha nodded slightly ; she had figured that out for herself. It was why she was able to forgive Daniel for his actions. "Is he – is he going to be OK?" she asked tentatively, afraid that the answer wouldn't be what she wanted to hear.
"With the right treatment, in time, yes I think so," McKenzie said, much to Samantha's relief. "As much as he was before this happened. What Daniel went through with his foster father, you never fully get over. What we can do is help him get to a point where he can function like he did before."
"And what will that involve?"
"A lot of intensive therapy. He'll be grounded in the meantime, of course. And I've prescribed him a cocktail of medications, including an anti-depressant. I may as well tell you now, it will kill his sex drive."
"You mean… make him impotent?" Samantha asked. The idea of Daniel not being able to perform was unfathomable.
"Not quite. If he were impotent, the desire would be their, just not the ability. This way, he won't be interested at all. It will certainly go a long way to curbing his sexual aggression, but it will create a few problems of its own. He won't be interested in sex, but he'll probably be frustrated that he won't be able to satisfy you. There will probably be times when he'll be paranoid about your relationships with other men, and how you deal with that si up to you, but I thought I'd give you fair warning."
Samantha nodded. She was grateful McKenzie was going through Daniel's treatment and recovery with her, after the last three months of not knowing what was going on in his head it was good to be included, but it was hard to imagine what was ahead for him – for them. But it made her aware of how hard the next few months was going to be – and maybe longer then that.
For some reason, the idea of Daniel not being able to perform seemed the worst of everything. At least it would give her the relief she'd been seeking from his cruelty, but she couldn't imagine him in such a sorry state. His sexuality was important to him… and to her. She didn't know how he'd handle it – how they'd handle it.
But we have to, she told herself, her resolved strengthening. She knew, then, that she loved Daniel with all her heart, or else she wouldn't go through this with him. For better or worse. "I understand," she said. "Thankyou for telling me what to expect."
It was clear to McKenzie that Samantha was struggling to accept how hard the next few months was going to be, although her resolve to deal with it was strong. "This is going to be hard for you," he told her bluntly. "You're a very courageous woman, Captain Carter, and you much love Daniel a lot to go through this with him."
Samantha nodded. "I do," she admitted. "Sometimes I wish I didn't, but I do. I can't help that, I have to do this with him."
McKenzie nodded. He had never seen resolve so strong as he was seeing with Samantha. There was no doubt in his mind that she loved him. You didn't endure what Daniel had done to her and be willing to see them through their recovery without loving them to distraction. "My door is always open, if you want to talk," he offered. He had a feeling Samantha would be needing it.
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The weeks went by, and then the months. Daniel's recovery was slow and often frustrating. McKenzie often said to Samantha that it would have been much easier if Daniel had simply accepted the help he needed after Hathor's assault ; as it stood, the result of his manifestations in the ensuring three months were much harder to work through then any fallout from the assault would have been.
"He feels a lot of remorse for what he did to you, that's one of the main things," McKenzie said to Samantha one day. "He doesn't understand why you're being so supportive. He doesn't think he deserves that kind of love."
There was no point in Samantha trying to convince Daniel that she loved him, although the proof should have been in that she was seeing him through this dark chapter of his life. They were now living together, and there were days when things almost seemed OK. The medication he was on had made him less enthusiastic, like someone had dimmed the lights that powered him just a little, but there were some days things seemed almost normal. They would talk for hours and it felt like there was a real connection. Some nights, when they'd been up talking for a while and he felt particularly comfortable with her, he would share small details of his foster father's assault on him and the trauma it had caused. It was hard for Samantha to listen to but she appreciate what it meant for Daniel to open up to her like that.
Their relationship wasn't sexual, but he was still attentive and affectionate, more so then he had been when their relationship was sexual. The lack of sex could be frustrating at times but Samantha put her best into making it a non-issue. She vowed she would not remind Daniel that he was not the man he once was. And anyway, it was only a temporary thing, albeit a very long temporary thing.
Things seemed to be improving, albeit slowly, when something happened that made Daniel slowly distance himself from her. It happened so gradually that Samantha didn't pinpoint exactly what it was, although it was something specific.
She had gone out with some of the Stargate Command team members, Jack, Teal'c and some of the guys from SG-4, including Major Charles Marshall, who had made no secret of his attraction to her. He'd proceed to hit on her all night, ignoring her increasingly unsubtle references to her boyfriend.
"If he's so great, why isn't he here?" Marshall asked when Samantha, losing patience, told him she wasn't the least bit interested and she had a boyfriend who she loved waiting for her at home. Marshall smirked. "I hear he's completely loopy. He can't possibly satisfy you, not like I can." And with that, he kissed her, persistent and overpowering. She felt like she would choke as he shoved his tongue down her throat.
She pushed him away violently and told him in no uncertain terms what she thought of him and that if he came onto her again, she'd scream harassment. She couldn't believe how little respect some people had for relationships.
She told Jack she was going ; she couldn't stand to be near Marshall for another minute. She couldn't wait to get home to Daniel and out of her clothes, which reeked of the cologne Marshall had applied liberally. What did he do, shower in it before he got dressed? Samantha asked herself, making a face as she inhaled again. Ech.
She entered their house- it had made sense for Daniel to move into her house then her to move into his apartment – and paused in the doorway of their bedroom, poking her head around the door. "Hey," she said. "I'm just going to have a shower, all that smoke is just clinging to me, and I'll be there." Then she headed straight for the laundry, where she stripped off her clothes and stuffed them in the washing basket before stepping into the shower.
She had only partly been telling the truth about the smoke clinging to her body ; she didn't like sleeping with it, but usually it didn't matter immediately. She usually spent a few minutes with Daniel before having a shower, but she knew if he smelled the cologne on her it would upset him. He'd belief her when she told him what had happened, that Marshall had come onto her and she'd told him off in no uncertain terms, but it would remind him that he wasn't able to be the man he wanted to be. Samantha decided it wasn't worth upsetting him over, especially when he was making such progress lately. McKenzie had said there was a possibility he might start easing Daniel off the anti-depressants in a month if things kept going as well as they were. Samantha didn't want to jeopardise his recovery, not when the end was in sight.
Daniel knew as soon as she kept to the doorframe that something was up. It was true that Samantha didn't like the feel of secondhand smoke on her skin that she always got from hanging out in bars with Jack, but she always came close to him for a hug, a massage before she got into the shower.
Something was up. The cocktail of medication he was on made him feel like he was only ever three-quarters there, to everyone else he was still as brilliant as ever – which really only meant he was still smarter then them – but he himself knew he wasn't as sharp as he should be. It was frustrating, and sometimes it was all he could do not to flush everything he was supposed to be taking down the toilet just so he could think clearly.
His ability – or lack thereof – to think clearly wasn't nearly as frustrating as his inability to make Samantha happy. That his sex drive was completely dead didn't particularly bother him, the desire simply wasn't there, which he supposed was better then being impotent. No, what frustrated him was that he knew Samantha missed it, and he couldn't do anything about it. Oh, she said in dozens of subtle ways that she didn't mind, and no doubt there was part of that was relieved he was no longer being cruel, but she had to miss it. He knew how good he'd made her feel, it had been one of the reasons she'd put up with his crap, and it had been months now since he'd touched her sexually. She had to be frustrated. And he was frustrated because he couldn't make her happy, not in the way he wanted to be able to.
He made his way to the laundry while Samantha was having a shower and retrieved the clothes she'd been wearing. The smell of cologne hit him almost as soon as he entered the laundry ; either she hadn't been aware as to how bad it was, or she hadn't thought it through that well because if she really hadn't wanted to be caught, she would have washed her clothes immediately.
There it was, tangible proof. Samantha was having an affair.
It hurt Daniel more then he'd expected it to. The way he saw it, he had no right to expect fidelity from Samantha. It was enough that she shared a bed with him every night, that she was there whenever he wanted to talk, and kept quiet when he didn't. Love wasn't just about monogamy, especially not the love Daniel needed right now – and the love he was able to give. He couldn't make Samantha happy in bed, so he shouldn't have been hurt to discover that she'd found happiness elsewhere.
That's what he told himself. But the reality was somewhat different. He was devastated at the thought of Samantha with another man. His brain told him he had no right to expect fidelity from her when she'd already given him so much ; his heart felt like it was dying.
He felt tears spring to his eyes, and he wiped them away hurriedly. He wouldn't let Samantha know that he knew. If she was seeing someone else, it was only a sexual thing, he was smart enough to know that. He knew Samantha loved him, but he also knew that she needed sexual satisfaction – satisfaction that he couldn't give her. He couldn't hold it against her that she was getting it from someone else. He wouldn't make her feel guilty over it. She had already given him too much, he wouldn't demand more of her.
He went back to their bedroom and settled back down as best as he could, even though his mind was racing with thoughts of Samantha with another man. When Samantha came to bed, she noticed there was something different about Daniel, but she chalked it up to his moodiness. His moods often changed from minute to minute, although the further along in his therapy he got, the less wildly he swung. So she didn't take any notice of it when Daniel wasn't interested in doing anything but going to sleep.
Over the next few weeks, there was a very gradual change in Daniel's behaviour. Though he tried hard to forget about Samantha's infidelity, he couldn't entirely get over it. Every man he saw her with, he wondered if that was him. Everytime she touched him, he wondered if she really wanted to be with him. He wondered if she was only with him out of loyalty or obligation.
So he became more and more distant towards Samantha and made it clear to McKenzie that anything he said about her was not to be passed on. Then he confessed that he thought she was seeing another man. Now that he knew what to look for, he picked up the same cologne several times, never as obvious as the first time, but often there, whenever she went out with 'Jack and the guys' – was that just code for her secret lover? Everytime she said she'd gone out with Jack, had she really been with him? The thought made his heart ache everytime it occurred to him. And it occurred to him a lot, he couldn't help it. He loved Samantha, and the idea of her being with someone else made his heart break.
He told McKenzie what he knew, and McKenzie had to admit, it was possible Samantha could be seeing someone else. Unfortunately, Daniel had made it very clear that he wasn't to pass the information along – usually, he was pretty good about McKenzie discussing his progress with Samantha so Samantha knew what she was dealing with – so McKenzie couldn't follow it up with Samantha.
"It's really hard," he admitted in one session where the thought of Samantha and someone else had reduced him to tears. "I want to be able to make her happy, but these damn drugs…"
"Those 'damn drugs' are keeping you from harming yourself – or others," McKenzie pointed out. Daniel knew that, but there were days when he found it hard to believe that the alternative of being doped up were as dire as McKenzie said they were…
One day, he decided it was time to talk to Janet. He had been putting it off for over two months, always intending to do it, until he decided it was time to take the bull by the horns. And maybe Janet would know something about Samantha.
He went to see her in the infirmary, because he figured she would feel safer in such a public place. As it was, she looked a little frightened and wary when she saw him. He hadn't been injured in ages, so he'd had no reason to see her. Except for apologising for what he'd done to her, of course.
"I can go if you want, but I think we need to talk," he said.
It was on the tip of Janet's tongue to order him out of her infirmary, but it wasn't exactly 'her' infirmary and besides, Daniel looked pretty harmless. Samantha had said he was on a cocktail of drugs that had made him duller, less vibrant. She almost felt sorry for him. "OK," she agreed cautiously. "Talk."
"Jan, I'm really sorry about what I did," Daniel said, and even Janet could tell that he was being sincere. "I was – well, I'm sure Sam's told you about that." There was a distant, haunted look in his eyes. Janet knew not to mention it in detail.
"She has," Janet said. "It must have been awful for you. That's why I didn't press charges. But what you did, Daniel – it was humiliating. I was only trying to help and you – you –" she broke off abruptly as a lump began to form in her throat. It had been three months since Daniel's assault on her and it was still fresh in her memory. She was seeing McKenzie about it and slowly getting over it, but she wasn't sure if she would ever be able to trust Daniel again.
Daniel restrained himself for hugging Janet, which was what he really wanted to do. He wanted to apologise over and over and hug her as a friend. But he knew he couldn't do that. He wasn't sure if she would ever be able to trust him again, at least, not in the same way she used to. Funnily, it was seeing Janet's reaction to him that unnerved him more then Samantha's had. Maybe because Janet was a lot more unforgiving then Samantha had been.
"I'm sorry," he said helplessly. "I'll be sorry for the rest of my life, Jan. I was rotten to you and I wish there was some way I could make it up to you. I just came to tell you that I'm sorry and if there's anything I can do… "
"Don't push it," Janet offered. She could see Daniel was itching to hug her, and she was grateful he was restraining himself. "You need to give me time – as much as I need. You need to earn my trust again."
Daniel nodded. It was only as much as he'd expected ; more, even. She could have sworn she would hate him forever and do everything to undermine his relationship with Samantha. "I can do that," he said. "Anything else?"
"Yeah," she said, something occurring to her and she transformed from a victim into a mother lion. "You do anything to hurt Sam and I'll have you castrated."
Daniel laughed a little bitterly. "I don't know if Sam's told you, but there's not much I can do," he said sadly.
Samantha had told her, and Janet's reaction was that Daniel deserved it, maybe a few months of abstinence would do him good. But seeing him now, he was looking pretty sorry for himself, and she couldn't but feel a little sorry for him. Relenting a little, Janet said, "she's very happy with you, you know. I don't know why, but she is."
"Even though I can't satisfy her?" Daniel countered.
Now Janet really felt sorry for him, despite herself. "Sex isn't everything," she said, and the words rang hollow. She knew what sex with Daniel was like, and that had been just the once. She could only imagine how Samantha was feeling, sharing the same bed with a man who had proven his virility without actually having sex, or any sexual activity. It would be like turning into an old married couple overnight.
Daniel's laugh was even more bitter. "That's just something women say to make men who can't perform feel better," he said, and Janet couldn't deny the truth in that. It was harder and harder to be angry at Daniel, when it was obvious he was much more a victim of this sorry situation then she or Samantha was.
"Samantha loves you, Daniel," Janet said softly. "You shouldn't underestimate the power of love."
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A few weeks later, Samantha was reading in bed when Daniel came out of the bathroom. He was wearing a robe under what she assumed was his pyjamas, looking very clean. She loved the smell of him just after he'd had a shower, and she was looking forward to a cuddle. It had been a while since they'd been intimate, even in the almost platonic capacity that Daniel was capable of. It was funny, she had though she'd missed sex, but it turned out she missed that intimacy even more. She had tried to talk about it but he wouldn't talk to her. She'd asked McKenzie, but with uncharacteristic vagueness, he'd said Daniel was fine, it was just something he had to work through.
Daniel sat next to her and drew her into his arms. He kissed her on the mouth, and at first she was surprised because he hadn't kissed her like that in months – it was always on the cheek, on the forehead. It took her a few moments to respond to Daniel's kiss, but slowly she opened her mouth and kissed him back. Their tongues met, and their kisses quickly became passionate, sexually charged. She began to whimper in delight when Daniel's hands moved down her arms, his touched creating sparks that ran from her skin all the way through her body. She closed her eyes and enjoyed Daniel's touch, making appreciative murmurs when he slipped his hand under her pyjama top, caressing her skin. It had been so long since Daniel had touched her like this, and her body was craving it. So long – since before he'd started taking his meds…
Pushing Daniel off her, Samantha sat up, her heart sinking as she realised what it was. There was no other explanation for his sudden behaviour. "Daniel," she said. "Have you stopped taking your anti-depressants?"
Acknowledgment was written all over his face. "I want to make you happy," he said pitifully.
"You do make me happy, Daniel," Samantha replied. The tone in his voice broke her heart. She knew not being able to perform was a blow to Daniel's ego, but she hadn't realised how desperate he had become.
"Not sexually, I don't," he pointed out, and Samantha had no argument for that. "I know that you're seeing someone else," he blurted out. "I wanted you all to myself."
Samantha stared at Daniel. "You think I'm cheating on you?" she asked incredulously.
"That night you came home and you stayed in the doorway, you didn't come for a hug – I checked your clothes, I smelled the cologne," he admitted. "And after that I picked up the same cologne so I know you've been seeing someone. I know it was wrong but I had to know. I wanna satisfy you, Sam. I can't stand the thought of you with another guy. I know that's wrong of me, I have no right to demand anything of you, but that's just the way I feel."
His words were so heartbreaking that Samantha found it impossible to hold Daniel's actions against him. He had snooped, true, but she supposed she had given him good reason. "Daniel, I swear there's no-one else. That cologne – you know Major Marshall, don't you? From SG-4? That night he'd been coming onto me all night and then he kissed me, that's why I smelled of it. I didn't want to tell you because I knew you'd get upset. I know how you feel about – not being able to… perform. But it's something I've handled Daniel, I swear I haven't been with anyone else. Do you believe me?"
Daniel nodded. For some reason, he did. "You're a fool," he said. "You should have left me ages ago."
"Maybe, but I love you, I can't leave you," Samantha admitted. "For better of worse, OK?" Daniel nodded pitifully. She brought him into his arms ; it was the most intimate they had been in a while but he accepted her embrace, wrapping his arms tightly around her, not wanting to let her go.
"I love you Sam," he cried into her chest. "I don't deserve you but I don't know what I'd do without you."
She stroked his hair reassuringly. "I love you too," she murmured. "And I'm not going to leave. But I want you to start taking your anti-depressants again, OK? McKenzie says you're really close to recovery, too close to blow it now."
Daniel nodded slightly against her chest, the tears flowing freely from his eyes. Samantha didn't care ; it was the most emotion he'd shown in weeks. "It's OK, baby," she whispered as she stroked his hair, something he seemed to find soothing – or maybe it was just her words, her presence. "It's going to be OK."
And somehow, she knew it would be.