Mexican Standoff

by Heavens to Bikini Kill (who is shamelessly "jocking" Reservoir Dogs)

Four

I burst into the old, decrepit apartment that we were all told to meet. Of course, the plan was that Kaiba (AKA Mr. Mars) and I would show up with a rich amount of platinum, but it really didn't work out to our advantage.

To be a bit more accurate, Kaiba had a bullet buried deep into his torso, and looking at the perverse amount of blood seeping from the wound (and the fact that I am no doctor), we both assumed that it was lying somewhere near his stomach.

Bad, bad, bad times.

I gasped for air as I weakly dropped Kaiba on the couch (surmising a loud yelp on his part), and I examined the damage.

"Uh... wow."

Kaiba looked up at me, tears in his eyes from the excruciating pain. "What do you think?"

"Kaiba," I tried, "seeing as I don't know the first thing about medicine, and I failed anatomy, my opinion shouldn't really matter."

He sighed in pure frustration and threw his head back on the pillow.

I pulled out a cell phone. "Kaiba."

He looked to me once more. "What?"

"I think we've got a rat."

"What?"

"I said..."

"No, no, no! I heard what you said. It's just... a rat?! Are you serious?!"

"Well... yeah. I am."

Kaiba looked like he was going to tear something apart in pure frustration. "I don't... I dont believe this! Why in God's name would anyone ever want to rat on us?"

Wash out to flashback.

I had always thought that us five were somewhat close, even if we didn't know each other.

It was a setup made for the ages. Jupiter was the violent one, Venus was the nice one, Mars was the quiet one, Uranus was the cocky one, and I was... well, I was the relatively normal one that kept people from calling the police on us.

The most we ever did at that Denny's was smoke (at least, Jupiter did), drink milkshakes, argue about pop culture, and of course, tell stories. My own life was remarkably boring, so nothing pleased me more than to wrap my lips around an overpriced milkshake and listen to the others tell terrible, crooked tales of loving and fighting, stealing and robbing, and the like.

My absolute favorite was when Venus spoke up for the first time.

"That was pretty funny, Uranus."

Uranus had been so surprised at the concept of Venus speaking that he jumped on the offensive. "Yeah, so? You got something better?"

Venus only smiled serenely, and squeezed his lemon into his water. "Well, I wouldn't call it better, I would just say that I myself have had an adventure or two."

I slapped my hand over Uranus's rude mouth. "Really? Let's hear it."

Venus took a sip of his lemon water. "Are you sure? I don't want to bore you."

Did I mention how polite Venus was? We all nodded to encourage him.

He smiled his appreciation and thanks. "All right. It was, if I remember correctly, two years ago...

"I was involved with, unfortunately, a huge drug ring, run by this overly ambitious kid. He seriously told everybody that before he graduated from university, he was going to become the greatest drug lord in Japan. I guess that's a huge thing now... whatever. Anyway, he was really generous with money, hoping to get people on his side. I was broke and living out of my barely-gassed car, so I decided to hop on it.

"The pay was great, to be honest. Within a month, I moved out of my car, and into a nice flat out in the Shibuya district in Tokyo... you guys know that place?"

We nodded.

"Cool. Anyway, I was delivering the death drugs, getting paid, having a good time, right? Well, one night, this wanna be drug lord kid calls me over and gives me the hugest fucking suitcase I had ever seen in my life. He wouldn't tell me what was in it, he only said that I was supposed to take a train out to Domino and deliver the thing to whatever address he gave me.

"I am not gonna lie to you guys, I was fucking scared. The suitcase was so fucking heavy, and because I didn't know any better, I just thought it was this killer shipment of drugs. Probably heroin or something. I refused to check it in, you know, to go with the other luggage that everybody else had, 'cuz I heard about how some employees like to be really nosy, and I wasn't going to get killed over missing one bag of heroin.

"So I'm sitting in the lonliest compartment of the train, at the very back, all by myself with the largest suitcase in history, when some cops just stroll in. With a fucking dog. Once again, I was fucking scared. Their dogs were supposed to be trained to smell the kind of stuff I was delivering! I was actually ready to just put out my wrists for them, honestly."

We crooked men were simply loving this story.

"So the cops are passing by my seat, and one of them tips his hat at me. I only nodded, ya know, so the cop doesn't get all uppity on me, right? Then it happens. The dog starts sniffing away at the suitcase, and he starts barking at it. I shit a brick. The cop turns, right, and he goes, 'Shut your fucking trap, you damn mutt!' Then he turns to me and goes, 'I'm really sorry, this damn dog has been barking at everybody, even little old ladies for wearing perfume.'"

We laughed, mostly because it was funny, but partly because we felt we had to anyway, but he wasn't done yet.

"But that's not all. I bring the suitcase to Domino like the kid asked, right? And I drag it to the house that he told me to take it to. The guy who answers the door looks fucking shocked, and he tells me to come in so I can get the money. He opens the bag right in front of me, and there I see this badly deformed, badly folded up body, probably one of the wanna be drug lord's enemies or something. Don't ever tell me that the dead look peaceful, this corpse looked as though he went through a hell of pain before he died. I was nearly sick looking at the thing, and the guy just starts laughing. He goes, 'How the fuck did you get through anywhere with that thing?'

"And I answer, 'Malfunctioning dog.'"

Fade out, fade in.

I spent what felt like hours trying to comfort Kaiba, and he only squirmed and screamed in reply. After a while, he seemed to accept his injury, and his anguish simmered down to a quiet moan.

The door burst open, and in came Jupiter and Venus.

The latter took one good look at Kaiba. "What the fuck happened over there?"

I looked to him, noting the fear in his eyes. Jupiter was indifferent. And Kaiba was just in pain. "Gentlemen, I believe we have a rat on our hands."