SkySong
August 16, 2005
Jareth, the ruler of the Labyrinth and erstwhile Goblin King, was having trouble sleeping. It was something he had been dealing with for some time, ever since that incident with Sarah. His former self was long gone, and he spent most of his days now in bed, rumpled and disheveled - He hadn't worn his makeup in years, though nothing short of a hacksaw could do anything to his hair – his formerly alabaster skin had taken on a grayish hue, and dark rings circled his eyes. This combination made him look very much like the bad mating of a raccoon and a porcupine.
And it was all her fault, damn her. Not even his goblins had any peace since then. They were somewhat better off, but they were no longer loud and unruly – now they were just dirty and smelly. What was keeping Jareth awake was keeping them far too busy to have the excess energy they used to have.
That didn't mean all was quiet for the Goblin King, however.
'I wish the Goblin King would come and take me away right now!'
'I wish the Goblin King would come and take my cat away right now!'
'I wish Jareth would come and take my uncles cousins brothers dogs previous owner right now!'
'Oh Jareth, my love-"
"I wish-"
He knew the movie had been a bad idea. Had TOLD Sarah it was a bad idea. He wasn't sure how she had conned him into doing it after studiously ignoring the inner voice that whispered 'pedophile' at him.
So now his goblins were off kidnapping anything that moved, and he had the voices of millions of silly bints in his head convinced that he would appear and whisk them away. It had gotten worse with the years – he'd forgotten how quickly humans breed, and their numbers increased every year. He wasn't sure how they had even gotten a hold of his name either – he couldn't remember it ever being mentioned in that movie.
He was considering putting out a notice that he was quitting the business and going to live in Tir na Nog to spend the rest of his days in peace. Or hire a replacement.
Hm, that was an idea…
---
She eyed the baby in the crib, and then checked her appearance in the mirror one more time. Everything was perfect. She had spent her entire childhood waiting for this, rehearsing for it, for when she was old enough, she would make Jareth hers. He was her one true love, she knew. No matter that her friends mocked her, or that her parents were worried, or that her psychologist was considering several prescription medicines for her use. No, she would prove them all wrong, and move on to live a life of splendor and romance!
The was a brief fumbling for some paper as she went to write that last part down.
Sure, the Dicksons would be a little upset if their child and babysitter weren't there when they got back, but they all had to make sacrifices. It's not as if they couldn't have another kid anyway.
"I wish the Goblin King would come and take this child away right now!"
She waited.
And waited.
And waited some more for good measure.
Finally, she muttered, and put her arms akimbo, "I SAID 'I wish-'"
"Yea yea yea. We heard you the first time kid."
She gasped and turned around, her heavily made-up face awash with delight until she saw it wasn't Jareth standing in the doorway.
"Who the hell are you?"
With a flick of his wrist, a small card appeared and he handed it to her as he recited what it said in case she couldn't read, "I'm a representative from the Goblin King, Xeramorel, in charge of taking care of unwanted kids."
"A REPRESENTATIVE!" She shrieked.
Xeramorel cupped his hands around his mouth and hollered back, "YES, A REPRESENTATIVE." A flashcard appeared to ask, "Are you deaf?"
"No I'm not deaf!" She stomped her foot. "Where is Jareth?"
"Catching up on his sleep for the first time in a decade. Well girlie, what's with the kid?" A notepad and pen appeared, and he started making little checks in the boxes as he asked questions. "Not your little brother? Little sister? No. Cousin? Step-anything? Nuh-uh. Well girlie, this means we can't take it."
"What? Why?"
"'S not policy. You can't give away what's not yours and all that."
"But, what about the labyrinth?" She asked desperately.
Xeramorel laughed. "Oh, you're asking the wrong person." He pulled out a brochure from his jacket and handed it to her. "Here, if you have any questions, there's contact info in there. Just remember that any loss of life or limb resulted in visiting the Labyrinth Theme Park is not the responsibility of Labyrinth Co. You have to sign a waver to get in."
The girl took the brochure, dumfounded. "But-"
"Sorry girlie, gotta get jumping. You're not the only one in this part of the world wanting to get rid of a kid." He tipped his hat in a manner reminiscent of an old cowboy movie, and went 'poof.'
The girl went downstairs and plopped herself down on the couch, and began to consider those medications her psychologist had recommended.
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Authors Note: This idea sprang into my head after reading a lot of really bad Labyrinth fanfiction. (As much as I love the movie, most of the fiction is written by teenage girls, thus it tends to suck. Badly.) Then it occurred to me how Jareth would react to all the self-inserting Mary-Sue's always calling on him in the middle of the night. I'd imagine there'd be a ton of them, thus resulting in lack of sleep and general grumpyness on his part. The fic just kinda wrote itself from there.