Disclaimer: Final Fantasy is a creation of Hironobu Sakaguchi, and is owned by SquareSoft, a division of Square Enix, co. Not me. If I did, there would be quite a bit of changes, though. I guarantee it. By the way, the personalities of the characters of Final Fantasy I are not mine, but are those of 8-bit Theater, and its creator, Brian Clevenger. Also, "P-I-M-P" was not written or recorded by me, but by 50 Cent.
For those of you who don't know me, my name is Southern Shinigami. I used to be a good writer, until my autistic muse left me. But now, I've got a new muse, and we're ready to unleash. Enjoy…and be warned. For no one is spared...
So You Wanna Be a Final Fantasy Character
Chapter 1: Heroes, Villains, Heroines, and Fighting
By Southern Shinigami
INT. BASEBALL STADIUM IN NEW YORK (Pick One)
Cast members of Final Fantasy's VIII – X-2 are gathered on the Infield. Behind home plate, there's a podium. Oh yeah, the stadium's at full capacity.
Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, now here to do a presentation on the basics of being a Final Fantasy Character, Southern Shinigami!
(Stadium erupts, but some characters are not happy)
Zell Dincht (FF8): He's gonna what?
Wakka (FFX/X-2): He's gonna teach us how to be us? He's gotta be kiddin', ya?
Amarant Coral (FF9): This is stupid. Who is this idiot?
Adelbert Steiner (FF9): Show some respect for the author, you ruffian!
Amarant: …Bite me, you tin can.
Steiner: WHAT WAS THAT!
Paine(FFX/X-2): I agree with Red Dreads over there. This is a waste of time.
Irvine Kinneas(FF8): Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing here?
Paine: This is the re-write. What do you expect, cowboy?
Irvine: Good point.
Cid Highwind (FF7): Will you all shut the f#!k up? You're all f#ng annoying!
Quistis Trepe (FF8): Hey! There are children present! (points to Eiko and Vivi)
Eiko Carol (FF9): I'm not a kid, I'm a lady!
Vivi Ornithuh (FF9): Eiko, I'm older than you. You're 6 and I'm-
Eiko: SHUT UP!
(Southern Shinigami runs from out the home team's dugout to the podium…fixing his pants. Lulu notices this)
Southern Shinigami: Heh heh. Sorry I'm late.
Lulu (FFX/X-2): Were you fooling around, again, with-
S.S.: Don't worry about it. Anyways, welcome Final Fantasy fans. Today, I'm here to explain to you the basics of being a Final Fantasy character, meaning from looks to personality.
Yuffie Kisreargi (FF7): Hey, what gives you that right?
S.S.: The fact that I've ended each of your games thoroughly, several times each.
Yuffie: That's good enough for me. Continue.
S.S.: Thank you. Let's begin at the top. First off, you've got your lead male character, or the hero. The one who everyone looks for to lead them to victory… even if they want it, or not. Will the four heroes step forward?
(Cloud Strife, Squall Leonhart, Zidane Tribal, and Tidus (not special enough to have a last name) all step forward)
S.S.: Now, here you have the heroes: Cloud Strife of Final Fantasy VII (crowd cheers and does a salute), Squall Leonhart of Final Fantasy VIII (does a SeeD salute, and the fangirls go crazy)
Fangirl #1: (screaming) I LOVE YOU, SQUALL! AHHH!
Fangirl #2: (also screaming) I LOVE YOU TOO, SQUALL!
Squall Leonhart (FF8): …Whatever. (Fangirls faint)
S.S.: Uh…yeah. Anyway, there's also Zidane Tribal of Final Fantasy IX (does victory pose and crowd cheers), and Tidus of Final Fantasy X (flashes smile. Fangirls faint and Blitzball fans cheers). Y-yeah. Anyway, what makes these guys heroes is this simple formula. First, you have to have pretty hair.
Barrett Wallace (FF7): Dat spikey-haired ass? Pretty hair? You're kidding me, right?
Cait Sith (FF7): He's right, Shini. Cloud looks more like a Super Saiyajin from Dragon Ball Z.
(Everyone, except Cloud and S.S., agree)
S.S.: (irritated) Ok, ok. You have to, either, have pretty hair or look like a Super Saiyajin, ok? (Calms down) Secondly, you have to have a really fucked-up childhood.
The 4 heroes: WHAT?
Tidus (FFX/X-2): What do you mean "fucked-up childhood"?
Quistis: Kids!
Everyone else: SHUT UP!
S.S.: (sarcastic) Hmmm… I don't know. Let's see. Cloud was hated by everyone in Nibelheim, so probably to avoid suicide or therapy, he ran away to join SOLDIER, which he never made!
Cloud Strife (FF7): (obviously angry) …Shut up.
S.S.: Squall, the unknown son of Laguna, grew up in an orphanage with most of his cast, and Ellone, his "sis". When she left, he grew all cold, and into what you see now!
Squall: …Whatever. (Fangirls faint…again)
S.S.: Zidane, you grew up within Tantalus, the actor thieves (what is that?) whose leader should've been arrested by Child Services for beating you, all the while looking for your true home.
Zidane Tribal (FF9): Hey! Leave Tantalus out of this. They're not that bad.
S.S.: And Tidus, you hated your abusive father, who hated you more!
Tidus: Yeah…well…
S.S.: You four are telling me that you guys didn't have fucked-up childhoods?
4 Heroes: …
S.S.: Thought so. Finally, you also have to have deep personal issues with yourself.
Zidane: Personal issues?
S.S.: Don't get me started…again.
4 Heroes: Indulge us.
S.S.: (sighs) Tidus, you don't even exist. You're a dream of the Fayth, and you have issues with the fact.
(that Bahamut Fayth kid appears behind Tidus)
Fayth (FFX/X-2): He's right. You are a dream of the Fayth. And when our dream is over, you will-
Tidus: SHUT UP!
(Fayth looks sad and is about to cry. He IS a kid, after all!)
Fayth: sniff, sniff.
(Eiko and Vivi go over to him)
Vivi: Hey, you ok?
Fayth: I will be, thank you.
Eiko: You wanna play with us?
Fayth: (smiles) Ok.
(Eiko, Vivi, and Fayth run off and play)
S.S.: Zidane, you don't know where you come from, and when you found that out, you went plum loco!
Zidane: Uh, um yeah.
S.S.: Squall… don't get me started. Just don't. Please.
Squall: (glaring) …Whatever. (Fangirls faint…yet again)
Cloud: You're running out of fangirls, Squall.
Squall: I didn't ask for them. They're just doing it. (smiles) Besides, I have my own section. (points to left field bleachers, over to section known as "Squall's Fangirl section)
Cloud: Riiiiight.
S.S.: As for you, Cloud. Three words: You're – A – Puppet! And furthermore, you had an identity crisis in the middle of Disc 2!
Cloud: Bite me, you geek.
S.S.: (ignoring him) So, that's your formula to being a Final Fantasy hero. Pretty or Super Saiyajin hair, Fucked-up childhood, and deep personal issues with yourself. Add some training to that, and you've got yourself a hero.
Seifer Almasy(FF8) Or a mental case.
S.S.: That too. Now, for every hero there is a rival or villain. This is known as the Main Villain/Rival.(crowd boos)
Freya Crescent(FF9): Wow, Kuja. They really hate you guys.
Kuja(FF9): Piss off, rat girl.
Freya: (really pissed) …I'm gonna hurt you so bad, thong boy.
Kuja: (preparing to fight) Try it.
S.S.: Hey you two, that's enough. Now, for our villains: From FFX/X-2, we have The Psycho of Spira, Seymour Guado(evil smile with Yevon prayer. Crowd boos), The Terror of Terra, Kuja(does a bow, everyone in front boos. Everyone in back of him, laughs)
Kuja: (angry) What's so funny?
Selphie Tilmitt(FF8): (trying to hold back laughter) Nothing…
Kuja: Liar! What is it?
Kimarhi Ronso(FFX/X-2): Kuja's thong is showing. (laughs)
(everyone else laughs with him)
Kuja: (sad) You're not nice!
S.S.: (calming down laughter) Ok, ok. Anyway, we also have The Sorceress's Knight, Seifer Almasy (raises the Hyperion Gunblade, and is booed).
Seifer: Stow it, you losers!
S.S.: And finally, the most powerful villain in video game history. SquareSoft's most evil creation, and a true psycho, The One Winged Angel, Sephiroth! (smiles coldly and evilly, and is booed the hardest of them all)
Sephiroth (FF7): Pitiful mortals. You shall, all, die by my-
(Cloud holds Ultima Weapon under Sephiroth's throat)
Cloud: Try it, and you'll get Omnislashed. Got it?
Sephiroth: I dare you, you puppet!
Cloud: Don't tempt me, you loony!
S.S.: (getting pissed) HEY! I got a presentation to give. Settle this later, ok?
Sephiroth and Cloud: FINE! (They walk away from each other)
S.S.: Sheesh. Anyways, being a villain, you have to have pretty hair like the hero, be able to seduce the hero's girl, and have a rivalry with another character, besides the hero.
Seifer: Like Chicken Wuss and I (points to Zell)
Zell: What did you say?
Seifer: You heard me…Chicken Wuss.
Zell: (really pissed) I'm going to kill you!
S.S.: Hey, what did I just say to Cloud and Sephiroth? Settle it later, ok?
Seifer and Zell: FINE!
S.S.: Three near fights. Damn, I'm gonna need a drink later… Anyway, now on to the rest of the heroes team. First off, a hero is nothing without the lead female character, also known as the Hero's Love Interest. You have Lady Yuna of FFX/X-2 (does Yevon prayer, shoots her pistols in the air, and goes over to Tidus and kisses him)
Tidus: Uhhh… that's my girl?
Yuna(smiles): You better believe it, (holds gun to Tidus' neck and still smiling) or else…
Tidus(nervously): I do! I do!(looks over to Rikku and Paine) Help me…
S.S: Princess Garnet Til Alexandros the 17th, aka Dagger from FFIX (bows, goes over to Zidane and hugs him), Rinoa Heartilly of FFVIII (waves, goes over to Squall, and kisses him), and finally, Aerith Gainsborough of FFVII (Aerith begins to go over to Cloud, but…)
Tifa Lockhart(FF7): Hey! I'm Cloud's love interest! I ended up with him at the end of the game!
S.S.: Maybe, but he was obsessed with Aerith throughout most of the game!
Sephiroth: You know how annoying that is? Even when I killed her, she was still around! She never went away!
Aerith Gainsborough: See? So there. (sticks her tongue out at Tifa)
Tifa: No! It's me!
Aerith: ME! (Both girls start to argue, and everyone looks at Cloud)
Irvine Kinneas(FF8): Dude, how did you handle this?
Cloud: Simple. (recites 50 Cent) 'Cause I'm a mother-fuckin' P-I-M-P!
Tifa and Aerith: NO YOU'RE NOT! (beats the hell out of Cloud for 5 minutes, making him see stars, and then they walk away)
Wakka: Now what, pimp?
Cloud: Shut up.
S.S.: If I can continue, (looking over to the FF7 cast and they nod), the main female character's role is to worry about the hero, fall in love with the hero, change the hero's look on life, and is the number one magic user.
(a loud rumble goes through the stadium)
Auron(FFX/X-2): What was that?
Quina Quen(FF9): Oh, that just me. Me just very hungry. Where frogs?
S.S.: There aren't any frogs here, Quina.
Quina: No frogs? Quina sad now.
S.S.: (feeling bad) Awww, I'm sorry Quina. I'll get you something from KFC, during the break, ok?
Quina: Ok. Me feel better now.
Quistis: What break?
S.S.: This one. We're taking a short break. We'll be back next chapter with more! See you then!
Author's Notes: Well, that's the first chapter. Now, I have a mission for you guys. I'm working on a crossover, but I need your help, and no, I don't need you to say "backpack". I want you to vote for your favorite character in each category! With each category that I reveal in this fic, I want you guys to vote for your Favorite Final Fantasy Character in each. Here's a recap of the categories:
Hero: Cloud Strife (FF7), Squall Leonhart (FF8), Zidane Tribal (FF9), Tidus (FFX/X-2)
Villain: Sephiroth (FF7), Seifer Almasy (FF8), Kuja (FF9), Seymour Guado (FFX/X-2)
Heroine: Aerith Gainsborough (FF7), Rinoa Heartilly (FF8), Princess Garnet Til Alexandros the 17th aka Dagger (FF9), Yuna (FFX/X-2)
That's that. Now, go and vote, my lovely readers. Either vote with your review, or send your vote to my e-mail: .
Well, until next time, thanks for reading, please review, and…peace out! Holla!