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So You Wanna Be a Final Fantasy Character
Episode 3: Comics, Loyals, Silents, Cids, and Those Who Fight Further
By Southern Shinigami
Back at the Stadium..
Southern Shinigami: Welcome to the freshest chapter of "So You Wanna Be a Final Fantasy Character"!
Yuffie: Whoopie freakin' doo. I can't believe this thing is back. Crap.
Incubus Kitten: Well, it would've been sooner, if it wasn't for your union rep.
S.S.: Yeah, who was that anyway?
Tidus: Hey, has anyone seen Seymour?
Meanwhile, at a strip club in the city…Seymour: (holding a drink in one hand, and a bunch of dollar bills in the other) WHOOHOO! Yeah, baby! Yevon has blessed you well! Take it off, you sexy thing, you! Take-It-Off!
Back at the stadium…S.S.: Oh well, let's move on to the next category: The Comic Relief! This is the character that provides humor - on purpose or not on purpose – whenever it's needed. These characters are: Cait Sith of Final Fantasy VII(bounces up and down and waves), Laguna Loire of Final Fantasy VIII.
Laguna: I'm a Comic Relief character? Are you serious?
Kiros: Like you couldn't even imagine, Laguna.
S.S.: Quina Quen of Final Fantasy IX(he, uh, she, um… it bounces up and down). Ugh, that's disturbing, and finally, Wakka of Final Fantasy X/X-2!
Wakka: Comic Relief, eh?
Seifer: Heh, just looking at you is funny, har har har!
(Wakka throws a blitzball at Seifer's head, and connects!)
Seifer: OW! Who did that?
(I.K. glares at Wakka)
Wakka: What?
I.K.: What did I tell you, two chapters ago?
Wakka: (like a scolded child) No fighting.
I.K.: Good. I'm not telling you again, damnit.
(Selphie comes over to Wakka)
Selphie: Seifer asked me to give you this.
(She hands him a note)
Wakka: What's this? (He opens the note)
Rooster Head,
You.
Me.
Ass-kicking in the parking lot.
After the fic, punk!
SeiferS.S.: Anyways, to the next category. There's always a silent one in the bunch, and the silent one usually does the most violence. We call these the "Silent, but Violent" gang.
(giggles are heard coming from the immature ones of the cast: Aerith, Yuffie, Zell, Selphie, Zidane, Vivi, Eiko, Tidus, Yuna , Wakka, and Rikku)
S.S.: What?
Zidane: Dude, you said "Silent, but Violent"…
S.S.: Heh, guess I did. In this group are Paine of FFX/X-2(swings sword around and does victory pose), Amarant Coral of FFIX(does his victory pose), Irvine Kinneas of FFVIII(shoots gun in air… accidentaly killing a pigeon).
Irvine: Sorry…
S.S.: Man. ASPCA and PETA are gonna fry me for that. And rounding out the group, Vincent Valentine of FFVII(does something out of "Batman", and lands behind Yuffie)
Vincent: Boo.
Yuffie: AAAAHHHHHHH!(runs away screaming)
S.S.: Jeez, someone go get her. Okay, what's next?(checks his script) Oh yeah! The ones you can depend on! If you're ever in a pinch, they'll be there to help. They are the "Loyals"! The Loyals are Barrett Wallace, AVALANCE founder, in FFVII(does victory pose), Zell Dincht, member of SeeD, in FFVIII(does his victory pose), Adelbert Steiner, captain of the Knights of Pluto, in FFIX.
Steiner: (raises his sword)For Alexandria! Yeeargh!(charges off somewhere… like an idiot)
Zidane: What an idiot…
S.S.: And finally… well actually, there are two in FFX/X-2: Sir Auron and Kimarhi Ronso!
Kimarhi: Kimarhi more loyal than Sir Auron. Kimarhi better than Auron.
Rinoa: That's not nice! What makes you say that?
Kimahri: (points over to Auron) Look over there.
(Rinoa looks over to Auron… who is insanely drunk)
Auron: (to Kuja) Hey there miss, you come here often?
Kuja: Get the hell away from me, you drunken moron!
Auron: How 'bout we go somewhere private, eh?
Kuja: I don't date drunkards. (slips Auron a piece of paper) But, call me when you're sober. (Everyone looks at Kuja) What?
Tifa: Something you wanna tell us, Kuja?
Kuja: Um… uh… (looks at S.S.) Hey! Don't you have a chapter to finish?
S.S.: Oh yeah! Now, to the last part of this chapter. One of the constants in the Final Fantasy series is the Cid character. In every Final Fantasy game, there is a Cid, playable or non playable, that always moves the story along, and is usually the pilot of an airship. Here are your Cids. Cid Highwind, pilot of the Highwind airship, of Final Fantasy VII.
Cid H.: 'Bout time you f#$n' introduced us, you dumb s#!t!
Quistis: Again! Children!
Cid H: Shut up, already!
S.S.: There's also Cid Kramer, headmaster of Balamb Garden , in Final Fantasy VIII(waves), Regent Cid Fabool, ruler of Lindblum and builder of the Hilde Garde airship, from Final Fantasy IX(bows), and finally, Cid the Al Bhed, from Final Fantasy X/X-2. He's Rikku's dad, Al Bhed leader, and captain of the airship… uh, um… what the hell is that ship called again?
Al Bhed Cid: It's the Celsius, you moron!
S.S.: Got it!
Rikku: Dad…
S.S.: Well, that's this chapter! The final chapter's comin' soon!
Sephiroth: You mean this thing is almost over?
S.S.: Uh, yeah? (Everyone applauds) Jerks. Anyways, just stay tuned.
Author's Notes: Well, that's this chapter! Here's a quick recap:
Comic Relief: Cait Sith, Laguna Loire, Quina Quen, Wakka
Silent, but Violent: Vincent Valentine, Irvine Kinneas, Amarant Coral, Paine
Loyals: Barrett Wallace, Zell Dincht, Adelbert Steiner, Auron, Kimahri Ronso
Cids: Cid Highwind, Cid Kramer, Regent Cid Fabool, Cid the Al Bhed
Who's your favorite? Let me know… please? And stay tuned for the next chapter! Summons will be the topic in that one. Oh, and there's gonna be a musical number in the next one! Keep reading! See Ya'!