Inuyasha's Spamalot
Author's Note- Just thought I'd point out that if this doesn't make sense it's perfectly fine. Because Monty Python is random, so is this. It was only meant to be funny. And lastly. I can't decide whether or not to put the songs in this fan fiction. Should I or not?
It was raining hard. And it had been non-stop for almost a week now. Inuyasha ran through the forest, Myoga on his shoulder and two halves a coconut attached to a string stuck to the seat of his pants. As they knocked against each other making a sound strangely like a horse running. Clippa Clop! Clippa Clop!
"Milord." Myoga said, "Remind me again why you have these… coconuts stuck to your behind."
"How many times do I have to tell you?" Inuyasha replied, "I got that sorceress in the last town mad and she put them there for all of eternity! I can't get them off! So I'm going to sound like a freaking horse for the rest of my life! And besides, it's only two halves of a coconut. That only makes one full coconut."
"Yes it does." His servant agreed, "But why are you telling me this math problem?"
Inuyasha glared at him. "Because you said that I had 'coconuts', that's plural, stuck to my butt and technically I only have one."
"But!"
"Don't say that word! I don't want to think about what's stuck to my pants!"
"I meant the other but milord. Not the part of your body." Myoga said, "Now will you let me speak!"
"Whatever."
"As I was trying to tell you, when I said coconuts, that being plural as you pointed out, I simply meant it as a figure of-"
"Look! A castle!"
Myoga sighed and gave up.
A few minutes later they arrived at the castle. It was a very big castle. And gray. Very gray.
"Halt!" a guard called from a window in the very big, gray castle, "Who goes there?"
"It is I." Inuyasha replied, "It is I, Inuyasha, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of all Britons, defeater of the Saxons, sovereign of all England!"
"Milord." Myoga said quietly, "Your father was Inu no Taisho, not Uther Pendragon, whoever that is, and what in the world are the Britons, Saxons, Camelot, and England!"
He shrugged. "I just felt like saying it." Inuyasha replied, "But you're right about the whole dad thing. Let's try that again. It is I, Inuyasha, son of Inu no Taisho, from the castle of Camelot. King of all Britons, defeater of the Saxons, sovereign of all England!"
"No way!" the guard exclaimed.
"I am..." the half demon replied grinning, "And this my trusty servant, Myoga. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in someone who'd be nice enough to get us the hell out of this rain!"
"Rode on what?" the guard asked, "A horse?"
Inuyasha eyed the coconuts attached to his pants. "Kind of…"
"I did ride on Master Inuyasha's shoulder." Myoga put in.
"You're using coconuts!" the guard insisted.
"What about the coconuts?" Inuyasha demanded, "Keep them out of this!"
"You've got two empty shells of coconuts and you're banging them together!"
"Yeah so? And it's not like it's voluntary!"
"Where'd you get the coconuts?"
Inuyasha was not about to admit that he had been powerless to keep the sorceress from attaching the coconuts to his pants so he made up an excuse. "We found them."
"Found them?" the guard repeated skeptically, "And then stuck them on your butt?"
Inuyasha was forced to say a very embarrassing lie. "Yes."
"Like a tail?" the guard asked.
"You've got it."
"I can't believe it." He said, "Here below me is this weird guy who says he's the King of the Britons and he sticks two halves of a coconut on his butt and pronounces it a tail! Gives Yankee Doodle a run for his money, this one does."
"Would you shut up!" Inuyasha demanded.
But the guard continued. "Anyways, here in Japan's a temperate region! Coconuts are tropical!"
"The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin or the plover seek warmer hot lands in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land." Myoga pointed out.
"Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?"
"NO!" Inuyasha screamed, "Are you going to let us in or not! Spending a week in non stop rain isn't fun you know!"
No one paid him any mind.
"They could be carried." Myoga said.
"A swallow carry a coconut?" The guard laughed.
Inuyasha glared. "Is anyone listening to me?" he asked. Once again he was ignored.
"Why not?" Myoga asked, "It seems perfectly logical to me."
"I'll tell you why not. A swallow is about eight inches long and weighs five ounces, and you'd be lucky to find a coconut under a pound."
"It could grip it from the husk." The flea suggested.
"It's not a question of where he grips it, It's a simple matter of weight ratios. A five-ounce bird could not hold a one pound coconut!"
Inuyasha had had just about enough by that time. "Listen to me damnit!" he yelled, "The Lady of the Well didn't make me king for everyone to ignore me you know! Are you going to let me in or not!"
There was a slight pause.
"Look! To maintain Velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings four hundred and ninety three times every second. Right?" the guard asked him.
"I don't care." Inuyasha growled, "Just let me in before I let myself in!"
"It could be carried by an African sparrow." A second guard pointed out walking over to the first one.
"Oh yes!" the first agreed happily, "An African swallow maybe ... but not a European swallow. That's my point."
The second nodded his head. "I agree then."
"LET ME IN!" Inuyasha screamed, "I DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHETHER OR NOT A SWALLOW COULD CARRY COCONUTS! JUST LET ME IN!"
But they went right on talking.
"But you have to remember that African sparrows are non migratory." The first guard pointed out.
"Yes." The other agreed, "Very true."
Growling, Inuyasha leaped up and bashed the two guards' heads together. "Could a bunch of your sparrows carry your two decapitated heads?" he growled.
"Good question." The first guard said, "I knew you'd get into this after a while! What do you say Bob?"
"Well I doubt even an African sparrow would be able to carry both of our heads, but maybe an Australian sparrow…" the second replied.
"Quite large. More like buzzards those things are."
Inuyasha leapt down from the top of the wall and walked away, the coconuts giving him the sound appearance of a horse.