Sorry it took me to motherfucking long to update , I ko I am a bicth for that one , but this Chappie is really really short. Sorry about that one 2. But omg , the NOTEBOOK if the bestest movie ever ,

Loveandpeace522: I was reading : Past lives and I really read the missing lemon, I love the you make Spike soo loveable ( like we all know he is )

# if you read all th titles 2gether , it says crap , i just figured that out , isn't that sad?

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Spike's room

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"Try" by Nelly Furtado

It he could have he would. But he couldn't. Spike Spiegel of all people , couldn't kill himself. Although , he wanted to he couldn't . He simply couldn't cut into his arm any deeper. Or at least not deep enough o off himself .

All I know
Is everything is not as it's sold
but the more I grow the less I know
And I have lived so many lives
Though I'm not old
And the more I see, the less I grow
The fewer the seeds the more I sow

In the silence of his room , If Spike Spiegel could have killed himself , he would have , he would have done himself in right then and there , it he could have. But there was something holding him back.

After Julia died , the world had stopped , or at else for a fleeting moment it came to a brief yield. Every raindrops that was falling in the terrible moment , fell with such sound it could have been heard by the angels. When the cloud's teardrops hit the ground , they shattered , along with everything Spike believed in , and his fragile heart.

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try

Men like Spike were never shattered , or at least that was the illusion men like Spike wanted everyone to believe. In the truth , men like Spike were quite easily shattered , it just depended on where they were hit. One point of all hard men is soft. Tender to the extreme. A point which is forbidden for anyone to know about. It the rose budding in the field of barbed wire.

Spike was like Achilles the Greek hero , king of all the kings in war. Untouchable , in every view of life. Yet like Achilles , Spike had one weakness . For Achilles it was the heel, for Spike it was Julia.

I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness
And all the real people are really not real at all
The more I learn, the more I learn
The more I cry, the more I cry
As I say goodbye to the way of life
I thought I had designed for me

Everything Spike had every done , was for Julia , every breath he took , every bullet he shot . Every time Spike was wounded and kept going. That was all in Julia's name. Spike would have gone to the ends of the earth for Julia and he did.

Now Spike was at the end of the World , and he was about to fall over the cliff.

The bloody wounds , in the form of long slivered cuts , ran up to his elbow and back down to his wrist.

Cutting

It helped ease the pain , but causing more. It aided Spike in punishing himself , for the big fuck up of his miserable life. Julia , he had let her die. Like a solider in battle letting the flag touch the ground , and then being forced to watch it burn into ashes. That is what is was like with Julia's death , only worst.

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
I'm all I'll ever be
But all I can do is try
Try

Spike held his breath his he dragged his pocketknife across his soft tan flesh , watching the skin spilt apart and the blood begin to seep out of the flesh wound. Breathing out he savored the pain , fighting back his instinct to ignore the agony.

No , this he wanted all for himself , all the pain to himself all the hot , burning , stinging pain to himself. All for him. Spike wanted death but he couldn't have it . She was keeping him form it , she was keeping him form his permanent release.

All of the moments that already passed
We'll try to go back and make them last
All of the things we want each other to be
We never will be
And that's wonderful, and that's life
And that's you, baby
This is me, baby
And we are, we are, we are, we are
Free
In our love
We are free in our love

Whenever he was about to place the blade to neck and do it , Faye popped into his mind. He could just imagine her face. Shocked , her eyes wide and then closing to hide the pain , the lay behind her pale lids. Her tears falling on his own dead skin , her screams. With this running through his head , he couldn't do it , he simply could not do it , as much as he wanted to , as much as he needed to. So slicing up his arm would have to do and meeting Julia in the afterlife , would have to wait until Spike muster up the courage to be a man..

I know that chapter was a piece of shit from a donkey's ass but I had had had had to update. I hated leaving you guys hanging fopr so long. Longer and better chappies coming!