Well, here is chapter six of Ghost of you. I might wrap this story up soon, I'm just not liking it anymore. I'll probably give it about three more chapters. Since I began, I've known exactly what I want my last chapter to be, so I'll just throw in 2-3 more chapters to get there. I'm going to be busy now that school started, and I really don't want to be committed to a story I'm not really liking. So now, here is chapter six. I hope you like it… I wasn't too satisfied with it… but I hope those who read it will be.
As usual, thanks to my reviewers: Mrs. Nikki Slater and Allimba
Disclaimer: The fabulo Meg C owns Jesse S., Suze S., and Paul S.
-888-
I don't know what happened today. I am too emotionally exhausted to even begin to comprehend what has happened. Today, one life ended, and another began. My boyfriend died today, and as his final words, he said to tell my baby sister about him; but somehow, I think she'll know. About him, I mean. Rhianna Lee Ackerman was born on a day that would have otherwise been probably the worst ever in my life. On March 4th at 11:46 pm, that's when she was born. It's got to be some kind of sign, when someone you will love dearly is born the same day another you loved dies. Whether it's good or bad, I don't know.
How does one deal with the death of their soul mate and the birth of a new sister? All on the same day, too?
A part of me is breaking inside; the other is dancing with joy. My heart is split in two. I lost my boyfriend, but I also finally got a baby sister like I always wanted. My emotions are all swirling around, confusing me more and more as they add up.
Hurt.
Sorrow.
Joy.
Guilt.
Hope.
Love.
Just to name a few. Hurt, that I will never see Jesse. Sorrow, again because of Jesse. Joy, because my baby sister was born. Guilt, because I'm happy that I gained a sister but lost my boyfriend. Hope, for my future, and my sister's as well. And love, because I already love my sister and I don't even know here yet, and love, most of all, for Jesse; Jesse, who could have stayed here for me, but instead decided to move on for me and himself. He moved on for the both of us, so that way I can too move on with my life someday.
"Susannah," a gently hand shook my shoulder, calling my name. "Suze, sweetie… wake up." My eyes groggily lifted and I saw Andy hovering over me, beaming like mad.
"Huhm…" I groaned, trying to collect myself.
"You're mother wants to see you now. With the baby." He helped me get to my feet and he led me into the room where my mom was at. Once we reached the room, he went back to the waiting room with the boys.
"Susie, sweetie?" My mom's voice rang through the otherwise quite and sterile hospital room.
"Yeah, mom?" My voice was dull. I'd cried so much, for obvious reasons, and was barely recovering. My nose, I could see was still red, and my eyes felt too puffy, every blink a struggle.
"How are you, hon?" I'd reached my mother's bed, and I saw that in her arms was a light pink blanket with the tiniest of heads popping out from within it. She looked so small, so vulnerable. So red. Rhianna, I mean, my sister. My shoulders hunched. I really don't know how I feel. My mother took this as a sign to continue, and she did. "I know today has been kind of tough on you, but something good came out from all of it, right?" I nodded, my eyes transfixed on the pink bundle in her arms. "Suze, sweetie, I know you loved Jesse, and this is all very hard on you, but you've been strong, you've been brave. Those are the qualities that make you my daughter," I was half listening to her. My attention was completely on my sister, I couldn't focus on anything else. "Qualities that I hope you can pass on to your sister, Suze. I know you'll make a great older sister. So," she continued, rearranging her arms and then extending them with baby in tow towards me, "Susie," her eyes, I finally noticed were glistening, "this is your baby sister, Rhianna." I took her in my arms, held her closely to me, ecstatic that I finally had a sister. Even if she was born two weeks early, she was perfect. Her tiny little fingers poked out beneath the blanket curled in a way, and her eyes were shut, and she was just the most perfect little thing that has ever happened.
I sat on the edge of my mother's bed, leaning back on her pillow, her arm around my shoulder and little Rhianna in my arms. "Hey there, you. I'm Suze, you're older sister. You may not know what that means yet, but you will someday, and I will love you so very much ok," I cooed at her holding her tiny hand with one of my fingers, "Rhia," I finished, liking the shortened version of her name.
-888-
I didn't go to school the next day after Rhia was born. I was too exhausted, to overwhelmed. I couldn't muster up a single ounce of energy in the morning to even drag myself out of bed, yet alone get ready and deal with being in class all day. Andy called me in sick and made all my step-brothers go to class without me after Brad ruthlessly slapped my face to try and wake me. Honestly, I don't even remember getting slapped by Brad in the morning, Andy told me this when I finally woke around eleven or so. He waited for me to wake up, and then headed off to the hospital since my mom had to stay in over night. He invited me, of course, but I was still too tired to move.
The next day, my mom offered to let me stay, but I thought it over this time. Chances are, the baby would be crying all day and somehow school seems just that more tolerable than being stuck hearing a baby's shrill. Besides, I really, really needed to see Father D.
The old priest was situated behind his desk, taking care of a phone call when I walked in. His head perked up and he smiled at me sympathetically. Covering the receiver he greeted me, "Hello, Susannah. I'll be with you in just a second." I nodded, situating myself at my usual chair. A minute or two later, he finally hung up and turned his attention to me. "Susannah," he stated simply, "I don't know whether to send you my congratulations or my condolences." I shrugged, I didn't know what either. "Anyway, I was concerned about you when you didn't show up yesterday."
"I'm fine, Father D, well as fine as I can be. Yeah, I'm sad, but I'm also happy. It's weird. I thought losing Jesse would be the end of my life, but it isn't so bad. I miss him, but I think I was expecting it, so now I'm just dealing with getting used to not having him. I was just exhausted yesterday, apparently, my step-brother slapped me multiple times to try and wake me, but I didn't even feel it. So, really, I appreciate your concern, but I'll be fine," And you know what, I really did think I'd be fine. Life's works in mysterious ways, and I'm ready to handle whatever comes… Wow, when did I become optimistic?
"Well, that's good to hear, Susannah." He smiled at me, one of those caring smiles that only he can pull off. "Anyway, I was speaking with the funeral home when you walked in. I will be conducting the funeral service, given as Jesse was a well respected pupil in my eyes, and he deserves to rest in peace at last. They also asked me to contact his family and friends." At the word family, my eyes stung a little, my nose itched. Jesse doesn't have any family… I looked down… Jesse doesn't have family.
"He doesn't have any family," I mumbled, not looking at Father D.
"Well, yes, I know that, Susannah. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. But please, Susannah, let me continue," I looked up at him, feeling the wetness in my eyes. I wasn't quite crying, but y eyes were tearing, putting me on the verge of crying, "Once I told them about his situation, they told me to tell the one person who meant the most to him-you-to prepare a speech about what he meant to that person and how he affected those around him and such. You will do it of course?" I nodded, how could I not?
"Of course, how could I not?" I said, ushering my thoughts. "Father Dominic… Jesse came to me…" his eyes bugged a little as I he hadn't expected this. "He told me he knew exactly what it was holding him back, but he decided to move on, knowing it wouldn't be fair for either of us if he stayed here, and then he left, to take care of his business. I don't know what it exactly it is that he had unfinished, but about ten minutes or so later, my mom's water broke, and I knew that at that moment, he finally moved on. I just knew. I can't help but feel that my sister is somehow Jesse reincarnated," I chuckled lightly, thinking the ridiculousness of it. A lone tear made a trail down my cheek.
"Susannah, I can understand why you would think that, but where ever Jesse has gone too, we can only hope for the best. He could be in heaven right now, at last reuniting with his family or looking down on you." He stood from his chair and came around to my side, placing one gentle hand on my shoulder. "Now, you should get to class. You're already late." Writing out a pass for me, he let me leave his office.
I haven't seen Suze since I dropped her off at her house the other day. She was miserable when I left her at home. And since Jesse came, I can't stop thinking about either of them. My thoughts keep jumping between the two. The whole thing where Jesse came to me for the unfinished business, the sight of Suze when his monitor flat lined. There's just no escaping these thoughts. I was shocked when she showed to class today; I thought she would still be drowning out her sorrows in bed. Cee Cee and Adam told me they both tried calling her, but she didn't answer, I tried calling, no answer, and so did Alex, who got no answer either.
All day I she didn't even say anything to me, and she still hasn't. Its lunch now and she normally comes over to my table and tries to convince to eat lunch with her. Every day, I reject her offer, but I kind of wish she'd come and ask me today, because I want to talk with her, see how she's doing. I've tried talking with her in class, but every response is a mumble and I never understand anything. I got de Silva's ring… but when will she be ready? I stuck my hand in my pocket, where inside lay the little velvety box. The ring de Silva got her is extremely beautiful. It's a platinum band with a small heart-shaped diamond-about half a carat-with two smaller emeralds surrounding it, the color as deep as her eyes, and an inscription on the band: "Para mi querida. Siempre" The ring must have cost Jesse quite a lot, but now I have to give it to Suze. Only I'm afraid of what she'll say or do. How she'll react. It probably would be a bit odd if is showed up with her ex-dead boyfriend's engagement ring. Thank god that she too is a mediator-that'll make the explanation so much less weird.
From her lunch table, Suze looked up, scanning the courtyard, when her eyes finally locked on me she had the saddest expression in her eyes. She tried smiling, but I could see beyond the façade. I know she's breaking on the inside. I tried smiling back, but I too felt forced.
When I sat down at the table with Cee and the others, my eyes instinctively scanned the courtyard, in search of Paul. I smiled at him. He smiled back, only it looked forced, did my smile look like that? It felt like it. My eyes averted after the fake-smile, I can't talk with Paul today. I know that if I start talking with him, I'll break down and start crying non-stop. He is possibly the only one who understands how special Jesse is. Father D, while trying to help, doesn't really understand. How can he? The guy gave up on love after he took his vows to become a priest. He can never understand. But Paul-he hasn't given up on love, not that I'm aware of it anyway-he knows the whole situation between Jesse and I. Not Cee Cee. Not Adam. Not Alex. Yeah, he's in on the whole mediator thing, but I can't tell him the whole truth about Jesse. He's asked how we met, but I've made up lies, it's too personal. As if telling him will somehow draw him closer to me or something. And I'm not ready to get close to anyone right now. I like him, and he likes me, but that's as far as it'll go. I'm not ready for another boyfriend. He knows this, I made it clear early on in our relationship… and he'd have to be pretty screwed up to try anything so soon after Jesse's death. It'll take months before I'm ever ready, for my shattered heart to heal. How long, who knows? But when it finally does heal, then I'll move on, just like Jesse asked. I'll move on; if not for myself then for him. Solely him.
-888-
I really thought that losing Jesse would be the end of me. The end of everything that I knew. But it wasn't. The end, I mean. I've gotten by. I realized the day of his funeral that everything, would actually be fine.
His funeral service was held on the Sunday at the end of the week, following his death. I don't know why, but I had expected one of his family members to show up-as a ghost-but, of course that was silly thinking. My family all went, except my mom who apologized about a million times because she couldn't go with Rhianna and all. Paul showed up, Cee and Adam, Alex-I don't know why, probably to support me-several of Jesse's co-workers about four or five, and some people who were pre-med with him. There was also the little old lady from next door, such a sweet little old lady who had no one left in her life. Jesse would always help her with groceries and such-that was just the type of person he was, willing to lend a hand whenever it was needed. In total there were about 20, 30 people gathered, all there to mourn for their loss. Mine, I think being the greatest-not that Jesse wasn't special to these other people; he was just particularly special to me and none of them had the bond we did. None of them.
So maybe that thought's a bit selfish, but its true… isn't it?
I remember silent tears streaming from my face. Sometime in the past week, I'd held back those shattering sobs. When I cried, it was strictly limited to tearing of the eyes. I hate crying in general, so I at least made it less noticeable. If I'm not sobbing, then no one will know of my troubles. I won't get those sympathetic smiles. None of it.
As the funeral went on, I remember that my head was bowed in the direction of Jesse's coffin. I never looked to see his actual body-the casket being half open. I knew for sure that I would not be able to handle seeing him lying there… lifeless. I knew a lifeless Jesse once and it was too painful then, why would it be different this time? I didn't hear a word Father Dominic uttered. Occasionally, I would catch parts of a sentence, but never the whole sentence itself… a great man…touched our hearts… meant a lot…heavens above…God's child… and so it went. I didn't even notice Paul's strong arms wrapped around me until long after the service was over. After everyone had cleared, I'd stayed for about another hour or so, thinking about Jesse and the last time I saw him, as a ghost. His chin had been resting on my shoulder and his arms held me protectively, drawn in so close to his body. But distracted by thoughts of Jesse, I couldn't muster any energy to care, so I let him keep his arms there until I was ready to leave.
At some point, Father Dominic called me to talk about Jesse... what he meant to me, to others, those he touched, etc… For days, I'd carefully structured what I would say, writing it neatly on a sheet of paper. But in the end, I ripped the paper, speaking straight from my heart. Jesse deserved to be remembered properly and a carefully ordered speech wasn't going to cut it. I don't remember what I said, but afterwards everyone congratulated me on my speech, and I know it was good. I just can't remember what I said anymore, sadly.
Eventually, I removed Paul's arms from me and headed back to the Land Rover. Paul followed awkwardly, apologized and left too.
It was the car ride home when I realized that losing Jesse didn't mean I'd have to lose myself either. I'd already lost myself a long time ago, when he'd been in a coma, and I wouldn't lose myself again. That it would not be the end of me. I still had my life, like Jesse had said, and I've got to make the most of it.
-888-
Well, that's chapter six for you guys. R&R!