Zoolandum

Chapter ONE

The Sengoku Jidai Model Awards!

((Author's Note: Heh, this one here is a parody of the movie 'Zoolander', but instead of calling it that, I'm calling it 'Zoolandum' because... I really have no idea. So... R AND R, DAMNIT! And, enjoy!))

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"OH MY GAWD!" Screetched a fangirl in the large, also screaming crowd, as Sesshoumaru Zoolandum stepped onto the red carpet, on his way inside the large building for the Sengoku Jidai Model Awards, given out to the best child model- male and female, teenagers- male and female, and adults- male, female and drag queens. Zoolandum had won three years in a row for best drag queen! Ah, just kidding. Best male model. "IT'S Zoolandum!"

Sesshoumaru had a grin on his face as the cameramen waved for him to walk over and be interviewed. Instead, Sesshoumaru did his famous model look that got him to these awards three years in a row; Chiizu. ...Strange name, yes, but it won millions of female's hearts. Sometimes males. Sesshie even had a gay bar named after him. Just kidding! Unless...

When he 'posed' at the camera, it didn't do what he thought it would do; Melt.

So, trying to figure out why, Sesshoumaru walked up the camera, then tapped on it with his long, poisonous youkai nails.

"Is this thing on?" He asked, unknowing that it was live.

Since his nails are dangerously poisonous, the camera screen started to melt. Slowly, at first, but then it just seemed to collapse in a pile of hot rubber and such. The camera men screamed.

"MY MOM IS GOING TO FREAKIN' KILL ME!" The camera man cried. Two words: Momah's-Boy... Er, 'man'. Momah's Man. Woman? Um... ...Possibly.

"You should have thought of that before you wanted me to smile at that dreaded camera. Camera's melt even when I walk by, or my presence is near, because I'm so gosh-darn sexy."

"Damn! He's right..." The camera man looked to his other colleages... A woman with her hat on backwards, and dressed on what Sesshoumaru thought was a 'hooker'... And another woman who was the Momah's-Man's mommy. She looked like she was decomposing.

So, Sesshoumaru continued his walk inside, then caught himself a seat, along with his model-producer-or-whatever, Bankoutsu Ballstumpie.

(( If you don't know the total Bishounen 'Bankoutsu'... I'm sorry, but you don't know anyone! xD Look for the Inuyasha episodes, around episode one hundred. ))

"OH MY GAWD!" A effeminine man screamed out, pointing to the up-coming limo. "NARAKU! NARAKU IS COMING!"
"Eeeeeiii!" The crowd screamed, as the limo pulled up.

Naraku entered the red carpet wearing a so-called 'Pimp Outfit' made by the Mary-Kate and Ashley clothing industry. Everyone was surprised that it didn't fall apart as he walked down the carpet, exposing his tiny, female (and edible!) panties, which were strangely pink (Cherry flavored! Mmm...).

"Yo!" Naraku giggled as he ran down the red carpet. He slipped, then fell on his face... Everyone gasped, until Naraku jumped to his feet and dismissed the situation with his trademark giggle, and his famous model-look... 'Genki'. Everyone else either giggled with him, or drooled over his 'bishounen' expression. That's what people liked about him. He always seemed to laugh. But, yet, he was usually really 'PMS' towards other male models, especially Zoolandum.

As soon as Naraku seemed to skip into the building, yet another limo pulled up... A hot pink one with pink feathers all over it.

Sango stepped out of the limo, little Kirara dressed up in a blue flowered kimono in her arms.

"BOOO!" Everyone screamed.

Sango was Miroku's 'assistant', and Miroku was the bad guy in the model industry, currently. Since Miroku was married to his 'assistant', Sango, and was a lecherous freak, he was making a whole conspiricy about having more than one life, and making it legal. And also making it legal that any age can get married. He was losing that fight, though, therfor the kitten started to release it's claws. Oh! Kitties are cute... Though, that have nothing really to do with this paragraph. I should have made another paragraph... STUPID ME. Anyways. Back to the story.

One lady, not knowing that Sango wasn't Miroku, because of the shitty lighting on the red carpet (But hey, someone said that bad lighting took off 0.01 kilometres of a pound!), and was an enraged-googly-eyed-fan, who was not to mention quite 'big'.

"Screw you, Miroku, and your little pussy too!" The 'big' lady threw an egg, that hit the adorible little Kirara. Miroku jumped out of the limo.

"What the freakin' hell do you think you're doing!" Miroku growled. Kirara mewed and Sango's face was red with rage. She nearly looked like she could kill someone just by looking at them with her piercing, now firey, eyes.

"Didn't I hit you, dumbass Miroku-sama?"

"NO! YOU HIT KIRARA, YOU FAT BITCH!" Sango roared. The carpet (and possibly several miles away from the carpet) shut their mouths. She turned to the two macho-men-security guards on the side. "Book 'em, boys."

"We aren't boys, we are the drag-queen of the year candidates..." One of the 'security guards' said. It was a sad costume; They had two balloons or watermelons or whatever down their shirt, with a D-cup size two sizes too huge, which was pretty obvious. Thjey had wigs on that made them look like Starsky and Hutch, and that was really about it. They looked like security guards, with their black shirts and ugly jeans.

"Oh... Okay, girls. Go get her!" Sango rolled her eyes, cuddling the crying Kirara in her arms. Well, she wasonly crying for a second.

The moment Kirara stopped crying, she jumped out of Sango's hands and attacked the 'big' woman. Shrugging, Miroku and Sango made their way into the building.

Oh! Both of them were there for no reason at all. They weren't candidate-ized for anything. They just were there as guests.

Running in the building after Sango and Miroku (and Kirara, who quickly got to Sango before they entered the building), was the 'O Magizine' interviewer (other than Oprah), who was about a seventeen-year-old Rin. She ran in with her notepad and clickie-pen.

"Let me interview you!" She screamed to Miroku.

"No! No! No!" Miroku cried, covering his ears. He hated to be interviewed. He refused to be interviewed. Especially from the 'O Magizine' people! He knew how many people (including himself) who read it, and didn't want anyone to know about him, or his wife, of his wifes' Nekomatta, Kirara.

"Please! Why did you want to have more than one wife? Isn't one enough? Why do you want the age limit lowered? Do you actually want to marry a six year old? Please, answer, Miroku-sama!" Rin had already started to bomb questions that would never be answered... By Miroku... Now... Or, later... Maybe... Hm...

"I'm not answering! I'm not answering!" Miroku grabbed Sango and bolted to their seats.

"Damnit!" Rin shook her head. She was wearing her usual hair style, regular clothes, and instead of bear-foot, she wore thong-like sandles. The regular. That's practically the only piece of clothing she owned, so, whatever. At that time, Sesshoumaru walked past, holding a Frappuchino from Starbucks. He was probably heading back to his seat. "Oh, hi, Sesshoumaru-sama!"

Sesshoumaru looked to the news-reporter-interviewer-for-Oprah. "Hey, Rin." He rolled his eyes. He knew Rin. They hung out before. A couple of times.

"What are your chances that you think you'll win again this year for a un-heard of four years in a row?" Rin got ready to scribble down Sesshoumaru's answer.

"Well, I think that I will, because like, I will," Sesshoumaru said cheerfully.

"Er... Why?"

"Because, I'm so handsomely-good-looking! Of course I'll win another year. And Bankoutsu will totally help me win. Or, he did. Because he's good. Like that. Yeah."

"Oh... I... See...?" Rin was kind of confused, but she didn't care. Sesshoumaru did give her an answer, but obviously, it wasn't a very good one. "Well, good luck, Sesshoumaru-sama!" Rin skipped away to her seat with the rest of the news-reporter-peoples-from-Oprah. Then, Sesshoumaru went to his seat. The show would be starting in just a few minutes...

After a few minutes, the lights dimmed and the host this year, Randy Jackson!

"Yo, meh homiez! We be talkin' 'bout da Model thang! Riiight... Now, yaw, we be seein' who da male model of da year be! Dawg! That is just shiggity! Well, 'dere two homiez who could be da male model-dawg of da year... Naraku, or Sesshoumaru Zoolandum!"

The crowd cheered, as the first video for the Naraku-candidate began...

Music started to play as Naraku's face appeared in the screen. "Is this thing on...?" Pause. "Oh, yeah, the red-light thingy is flashing. Well, I should tell you why I think I should win! Well, first reason, because I'm hot! Guys want to be me, and other guys and chicks want to be with me! HAHA! Anyway. I'm a little bit on the wild side. Wild side, as in, that I use scented soap when I take a shower!" Naraku winks and nods his head towards the crowd. "Hell yeah, you know you like that. Anywho, I like to bake. I'm good at baking! See, look at my cherry pie!" Naraku holds up a pie that looks like it's rotting. "Yeah, you know you want a bite of it. It's goood. I know you like it. Totally. Well, I can sing, too. I like singing. Singing good." It cuts to a scene where Naraku is running around with a broom in his underwear, singing in a cracky voice... "She bangs! She bangs! Oh baby, like she moves! She moves! Oh, when she looks so fine when she's eating my pie..."

Sesshoumaru looked to Bankoutsu, as they both stifled a laugh.

"You got this thing in the bag!" Bankoutsu grinned to Sesshoumaru.

"I do? Is it a paper bag, plastic, or does it matter? Oh! Or is it a murse? I have a nice, pink murse at home..." Sesshoumaru didn't seem to understand that it was a figure of speech.

"Right..." Bankoutsu rolled his eyes, as the two continued to watch the video.

"...And look at me pose!" Naraku was back in his regular outfit, then giving the camera a look. "Oh yes, smexy, baby! Totally! You know you like it and you know you want it! Heehee!" Music turns on again, as it switches to Naraku dancing in his underwear, but with face, plastic wings on. He sang really out-of-tune, and in a opera-like tone... "...And you are the wings beneath my wiiiinnnddd!"

"I think that's vise versa," Spoke the cameraman, who was videotaping him. "I think it's the 'wind beneath my wings'."

"Shut up!" Naraku snapped, blushing.

The scene changed back to Naraku in his regular outfit, talking once again to the camera.

"Well, I like music, as you can see. I really like Ruben 'Stuttered' and the rest of the American Idols, like ... Er..." Naraku had problems saying the newest American Idol's name. "...Kierie Underpants...? Kerry Cookbook? Damn, I don't know her name. But, I like the American Idols, though I've never heard their voices or watched the show. Hell, I barely knowtheir names. Just the fact that they are living, I respect that. I also respect Michael Jackson. Hey, isn't he related to Randy Jackson, or are they married? I dunno..."

Then it cut to a picture of the Pokemon, Pikachu, dancing on Naraku's head, saying "Vote for Naraku! Pikachu does!" It's eyes turned red. "Do it, or I kill you! When you're sleeping!" After that, it flashed the words 'The End' on a black and white screen.

"Naraku, he's so hot right now..." Miroku looked to Sango. Sango just nodded absentmindedly.

"Ooh, I just love my video!" Naraku clapped dumbly, his tongue sticking out.

"Wow, no compition there," Sesshoumaru smirked. Then, his video started.

"Well," Sesshoumaru, on the video, said. "I think I'll win. It's going to be four years in a row! That's because I'm good at being fabulously... Good-looking. I think I also won because of my good photo shoots..."

It flips to some picutres of Sesshoumaru posing for KFC, wearing a chicken suit with googly eyes, dancing around, yelling the KFC rhyme... 'KFC! KFC! If you eat it... It'll taste -burp-!'. Then it showed Sesshoumaru as Pikachu, smokin' a toke'... putting his then paws as a peace sign, in the background, it saying 'Tokemon... Gotta Smoke 'em All!'. After that, it just skipped to Sesshoumaru wearing a bunch of shitty outfits.

"See? I'm... Er... What's that word? Oh...! Good." Sesshoumaru does a stoned-like grin. "I'd have to dedicate it to my... Er... 'Model Coach', Bankoutsu! Here's a picture!" Sesshoumaru holds up a picture of a drooling, sleeping Bankoutsu without his three-hour-daily-makeup session. The crowd gasped and cringed. "Heehee. I bet you can't guess how long it takes for Bankoutsu to get his face un-glued from the drool at night. Let's just say it takes twice as long as it takes for him to put on his makeup. Anyways, I have a bunch of my good-looking-fabulously... I mean, fabulously-good-looking possies... Oh! Did I say that right? I mean poses... Teehee..." Sesshoumaru held up his hands. "Let's see. There's 'Chiizu'..." (That means 'Cheese') Sesshoumaru does a stupid pose. "...Then there's 'Gyunnyuu'..." (Milk) Sesshoumaru does practically the same pose. "...There's 'Ushi'..." (Cow) Same pose, again. "...'Oishi'..." (Delicious) Again, practcially the same pose. "...And 'Daisuki Chiizu'..." (I love cheese a lot) Once again, the same pose. "But, there's one I'm not even supposed to be talking about, yet. I can just say that it's called 'Urusai' (Shut up), heh, funny name... And it's not even close to being done. WELL. TRALALALA." The video then ended.

"Er..." Bankoutsu had his mouth open. "...Sesshoumaru, what happened to your other tape? The proffesional one I helped you with?"

"Geez, it was bo-ring!" Sesshoumaru rolled his eyes. Then he looked at Bankoutsu, pretending to make his eyes water. "Don't you like it! Don't you like it for who it really is! Bankoutsu?"

"Gawd, Zoolandum, take a pill..." Miroku slapped his hand to his head. He and Sango were sitting right behind Sesshoumaru and Bankoutsu, with Naraku just in the seat before Sesshoumaru and Bankoutsu.

"Damn, dawg, 'dem videos are da shitz!" Randy Jackson accidentally mumbled into the microphone. Naraku rolled his eyes. Sesshoumaru pouted. "Uh... Just kiddin', ya'll! Any-yo, there's one mo' dawg... But, no one really cares 'bout him. He mo' likely won't win. So... Da winner is..." Everyone held their breath. Sesshoumaru, however, was overconfident. "...Naraku!"

"Yeah!" Naraku clapped once as he jumped out of his seat.

"YES!" Sesshoumaru, thinking that they called his name, jumped high into the air. "THANK YOU, OH SO MUCH!"

"Sessh--" Bankoutsu tried to tell Sesshoumaru that he did not win, but Sesshoumaru scurried up to the stage. Naraku, too, walked up on stage, but stood behind Sesshoumaru, holding back laughter at the silver haired bishounen, who obviously wasn't very bright... That, or he wasn't listening. Whatever. It was easier to blame that he was just st-oo-pid. "... Oy."

Sesshoumaru grabbed the award (that was in the shape of a fat guy, who was obviously bald. At the bottom, where it said the congrats comment, it said, 'Thank Gawd I'm Not Like This.'), shoved Randy Jackson out of the way, then started to make his 'winner' speech.

"Oh, I'm really happy that I won for 'Male Model' for four years in a row! I'm like, 'Holy Shit!' and I really respect that. People who I'd like to thank, are my roommates; Kouga, Ginta, and Hakkaku. They didn't really do anything. I'm just saying them for no reason. Also, your mom. And Naraku, my opponent, since he was so fugly that he didn't win. THANK YOU, TOO. Thanks to those ugly fat people, who weren't good enough to be my opponent! Yeah! And to Bankoutsu, my model persons. Also--"

"Uhm, dumb dawg," Randy Jackson tapped Sesshoumaru on the shoulder.

"Oh!" Sesshoumaru gasped. "Don't you touch me. I'm too pretty for your fat fingers."

Randy Jackson was getting really pissed off. "Shut the hell up, dawg! You didn't win, you dumb frick!"

"Of course I did," Sesshoumaru turned around. Naraku's picture was all over the giant television screen that also showed their model videos... Over his picture, in giant pink fuzzy letters, read, 'Male Model of the Year, Year 2005, Naraku!'. Sesshoumaru's expression went blank.

"Get off the damn stage, you dumb bitch dawg!" Randy was insulted by Sesshoumaru, with the comments about his fingers. "Get, yo!"

Sesshoumaru walked off stage. Then, straight outside. He sat on the curb, rain starting to drip from the sky.

"Who am I, really?" Sesshoumaru asked, a pretty weird question. He looked to the giant 'Sony' television that was on one of the buildings, so that people could see the news.

Two brodcasters, a guy and a girl, were talking about the Model award thingy.

"Sesshoumaru Zoolandum, he tried to steal Naraku's award!" The female said, enthusiastically.

"Bitch." Sesshoumaru mumbled.

"Really?" The male brodcaster asked.

"Yup. Here, watch this clip," The female nodded. The clip of Sesshoumaru being all excited and making his own speech when it was Naraku's award showed. Sesshoumaru covered his face with his hands.

"Shit!" Sesshoumaru shook his head.

"Sesshie!" Naraku, coming by in his limo, leaned out of the tinted window, which opened for him. "Too bad you didn't win. Here's a tip; Food doesn't solve your emotional problems. I say this because I notice that you've already been eating!" He stuck his tongue out. The limo sped past, splashing a puddle right in his face.

"Screw you!" Sesshoumaru stood up. Then, he started to walk off home. A good night's rest would be good for his complexion. All this stress would create zits. Anywho, it's not like that everyone'll remember all this tomorrow...