Chapter 3: Helcaraxë and the First Moon-Rising

The next few… days…weeks… months… she did not know which… passed in a haze. She sat on the shore watching the waves turn in the starlight. The blue velvet sky was sewn together with the silky water at the horizon. The water glittered, reflecting the firmament, as its melody blended with the cries of the winds and the sea birds into a sorrowfully sweet song that rang in her heart. She felt broken inside. She had lost all that she had. She was exiled from her home with no chance of seeing her family who no doubt knew of her deeds by then. Worst of all, Arnono was not there to help her bear the pain.

Arnono still lay on the docks, pale and unmoving. She looked around for the Teleri she had killed. She gasped when she saw him being dragged on the shore by another silver-haired being. She had slain someone's relative. It hit home in her heart. She leapt up and began to walk slowly towards the laboring man. Her heart pounded in her ears and tears came unbidden to her eyes but she blinked them back. The Teleri looked up at her with a sad and surprised face.

"Él síla lúmena vomentienguo, arpeno," he greeted her solemnly with a bow. He was not rude but had an air of suspicion about him.

Her eyes began to fill as she bowed back, "Málan vomentienguo."

He spoke to her next in Quenya, making her eyes spill over with his considerateness, "What is your name, my lady?"

"I am…" she paused a moment, thinking. "Atalantië. And you, my lord?"

"Gaiarnello of Alqualonde, his brother," he replied pointing to the man in his arms.

Calimë swallowed, "May I aid you, my lord?"

Gaiarnello's eyes darkened with sorrow and anger, "Have not your people already done enough?"

"Haryal nyérenya, Silmë Heru," Calimë nearly whispered, intense regret evident in her voice. "I would that I could remedy the present sorrow. I would that it had never happened. But I cannot change what has already been done."

The Teleri scowled, "You can refrain from adding further insult."

His words seared Calimë's heart. She placed a hand to her chest and bowed deeply, in respect for the Teleri and remorse for her deeds.

"The Valar keep you," the words felt like blasphemy coming from her unworthy lips.

Gaiarnello's eyes clouded, "Avanie, please."

Calimë bowed her head and turned towards the docks. All around her, Teleri and Noldor collected their dead loved ones to be burned. The elves had quickly invented a new way t o honor the dead. There had never been need of ceremonies such as the ones lining the beach before. Death was not unheard of but it was unfamiliar to the elves since they were immortal. A mass slaying like this had been was a stunning blow for them.

Calimë walked slowly down the beach to the docks, eyes on the water. It shimmered golden in the fire light for a ways out. Its black depths swallowed up the light like Calimë's guilt swallowed her soul. She should have told the Teleri that she had been his brother's murderer but she could not get the words past her lips. Murder was what they had all committed.

She looked to Arnono. Her love needed to be burned. As she passed a lord and lady walking on the beach, she reached out and touched his arm. He turned to her inquisitively.

"Will you aid me in setting up a pyre?" she asked softly.

It was the lady who answered, sympathy in her eyes, "Of course we will. I am Cuillairë Indiliel and this is my brother, Valaralyion Indilion," she pointed to the male. "We would be glad to aid you, my lady."

"Please," said Calimë, eyes downcast. "Call me Atalantië."

The lady's brow furrowed and she put her arm around Calimë's shoulder, "Call me Hantalë then. You have lost someone special?" she asked gently.

"My love," Calimë choked.

Hantalë nodded slowly as they walked on to the docks where Arnono lay. Valaralyion walked before them. When they reached his body, Valaralyion stood over him. Calimë looked at Arnono for a moment then dropped to her knees beside him, weeping. She felt gentle hands on her shoulders.

"Come now, Atalantië," Hantalë soothed. "Let us go gather wood and reeds for the pyre whilst my brother wraps your love in a white cloth."

Calimë let herself be led towards the shore, wiping her eyes as she walked. She and Hantalë gathered reeds and wood. For a moment, they were unsure how to build the pyre. They did not have enough wood to build something to lay Arnono on. Calimë laid down her wood and took the reeds from Hantalë. Her mother's kin had taught her to weave the reeds into blankets and covers for a shelter. She had never needed the skill before but now it served her well. She weaved a blanket large enough to hold Arnono.

Valaralyion stacked the wood as a frame and Calimë tied the reed blanket to it. She, Hantalë and Valaralyion lifted Arnono. Then Valaralyion struck the firestones together and lit the reeds. The flames quickly engulfed the frame. Calimë forced herself to watch. White smoke furled out from the fire and wrapped her in its biting scent. Tears and smoke stung her eyes as she began to sing a mourning song.

Darkness fell and loved ones sleep

Valinor has fallen into a void

Never shall I know a love as deep

As the one I lost on an eve

Their songs through the land rings

Voices raised in mourning melodies

Full is our world of tainted things

Our hope is lost and burned

Rise thee to Mandos, my sweet love

Watch over us from on high

Save from our follies undreamed of

And rest thee all the while

Her stingingly sweet alto filled the ears of her sorrowful companions. Her song was smooth but filled with the pain that defined the slaying in the Havens. Her love and her home were lost and she was not the only one to have it so. Alqualonde was filled with exiled Noldor and grieving Telerin. It was as though it were not only Arnono burning on the pyre but all that she had known as well. All that she had loved was consumed by the flames and turned to ash. When the fire had died, the wind picked up the ashes and blew them towards the stars. They, with Hope, would be cradled ever in Varda's arms, high above reach.

"I am sorry for your loss," Hantalë's voice broke her from her thoughts. Her helper looked her over. "You could do with a bath," she said softly. "Come, Atalantië, and I will aid you."

Calime nodded and bent down to gather her effects. Hantale lead her to a secluded alcove at the edge of the bay. Calime looked at the water and dove in without taking her dress off. The cold water rushed up to meet her and enveloped her head in its icy grasp. She came to the surface gasping and trembling but the aches of her body seemed to fade a bit. She tore off her wet dress, unheeding of her see through under gown and dove back into the waves. A splash alerted her that Hantale had dived in as well.

She stood up, enjoying the feeling of the wet sand between her toes. She scrubbed her hands, face, neck and hair vigorously to rid it if the dried blood. When she was finished she would not be completely clean but a least the only remnants of the battle on her would be her memories. She felt some of her sorrow slide from her as the water slide from her hair. What she had said to the Teleri had been true. As difficult as it was to accept, she could not change the past now. Despite this logic, guilt and sorrow still nagged at her. She could have done something to change it in the past. If only she had not let her rage take her over and had refrained from killing the Teleri. She wished that she had never left Tirion in the first place.

Turning to the East she looked out towards the end of Varda's stars. What lay waiting out there? She wondered. Some many perils, so many heartaches could be waiting. Yet also could be hope. There could be a new future out there. She could go to Arda and start anew. She could not quite grasp what that hope would be. Her heart would have to move on first and that might never happen. There was a long road ahead, she knew, and no matter what, that road would be paved with much sorrow.

It was weeks later and Calime sat on the beach with Hantalë and Valaralyion. The kind lady had refused to leave her lest she start to fade like other elves had. Hantale understood her sorrow but she would not let her give into it. She had forced Calime to camp with her and her brother after they had bathed. She had literally grabbed Calimë's arm and dragged before the fire her brother had started. Calime had sat and watched as the maiden fixed her a pallet and brought her some food. She had stared at the food a moment and then looked at Hantalë who sighed in frustration and blatantly commanded her to eat or she would force-feed her. The woman was stubborn. All Calime had wanted to do was sit in languor and Hantalë had forced her to walk the beach every day or go swimming in the alcove. Calime moaned but inside she knew she would be grateful later in her life.

So the Calime that sat on the beach was healthier and a slight bit happier than she had weeks ago when she had burned Arnono. She watched Valaralyion swing his sword in circles over his shoulders. The Noldor was anxious to leave the despairing shores like so many others. They knew it would take still more weeks before the ships returned to pick them up but they were already growing restless from waiting.

She took her gaze off him and turned it towards the East, to where the ships had sailed. She blinked. On the horizons an orange light flickered. She would have thought it was a star but it was slightly larger and a small black cloud shaded the stars behind it. It flickered and spun almost like a flame. Her brow furrowed.

"Hantale, what is that?"

Hantale looked up from the book she had been reading. Her eyes grew troubled, "I do not know."

They both stood up and walked to the edge of the water, Valaralyion in tow. Calime peered over the water, straining to see what the strange light could be. Around them more Noldor pooled to get a look. Lord Fingolfin pushed his way through the crowd to stand beside them. Calime curtsied instinctively but he paid her no heed so she turned back to the water. It looked like something was burning across the sea.

The Lord confirmed her answer. "It is fire," he said clenching his teeth and said to himself. "Feanor is burning the ships."

Despite the fact that he had meant that to be heard only by himself, the Noldor heard it. A collective gasp rose and the panic was evident. Calime felt stunned. He would not do such a thing, would he? Surely Feanor repented his sins as well? She could not be certain but if he was that heartless then she regretted ever looking up to him. How could an elf cause so many to die and then follow up with an act like this? Never had she thought such evil could come from an elf.

"My lord," she said in an outburst. Her voice was almost pleading with him, "Surely he would not do such a thing?"

Lord Fingolfin just looked at her. His face betrayed nothing of what he felt save for his eyes. They were pained. She did not need him to say a word, that look said it all. Hers eyes filled again with tears. She had not known it was possible to weep so much.

A quiet fell over the Noldor. The air was filled with their silent panic as they watched the light begin to fade. Lord Tauru, the Lord's main advisor, broke the silence with a simple but important question.

"What course are we to follow now?"

Lord Fingolfin thought a moment before answering, "I am going to Arda. We cannot turn back now and I would see Feanor pay for his evil deeds. We will take the Helcaraxë, for it is the only way now."

A shudder passed through those who knew that name. Helcaraxë, the Grinding Ice. Calime had never seen it, nor had any of the Noldor present she would have thought, but they had heard of it before. Many horrific tales were told of that land. Nothing grew there and it was cold enough to freeze an elf to death. How would they make it across?

"We leave two days hence," Lord Fingolfin announced before leaving the beach.

Many of the elves stood frozen by terror. Slowly elves began to disperse once they resigned themselves to their doom. They knew that their hardships and grievances had only just begun. Many had known that even before then when the Noldor had marched out of Tirion.

Soon only Valaralyion, Calime and Hantale were left on the beach. Hantale turned to Calime. She looked stunned and afraid.

"The Helcaraxë," she whispered, her voice trembling. "What are we going to do?"

Calime did not have an answer for her. She did not know what to do except follow Fingolfin. She was not ready to return to Tirion; she doubted she ever would be.

Valaralyion gently took her hand and Hantalë's and led them back to the camp. He sat them down on the stools before the fire and knelt in front of them. He looked at both of them and smiled faintly.

"We will stay together," he said. He looked at Calime, "Travel with us if you will since you have no other companion."

"Tancave," Calime replied, tears running their course down her cheek.

Hantalë smiled at her faintly and Calime could not help but smile back. The Lady's eyes shimmered with unshed tears and she turned to her brother giving him a hug. Calime felt as though she were on the outside watching them. Hantale had her brother but Calime had left all her family behind. Yet, she was somewhat comforted. She would not have to travel alone.

"Thank you," she said when brother and sister had broken apart.

Hantale looked at her, "You are welcome. Perhaps we shall become great friends."

"Perhaps," Calime agreed.

Silence fell for a few moments but was broken by Valaralyion. "Shall we eat now?" he asked standing and retrieving three plates from his bag.

He filled their plates with cheese, bread and berries and their goblets with wine. They ate in silence, thinking of the journey ahead of them. When they lay down on their pallets, their hunger was satiated but dread filled them. Two days hence, they would start a long journey that would be full of hardships and last longer than the Helcaraxë did.

The journey through the Helcaraxë was worse than anyone had dared to imagine. It was a giant sheet of ice filled with mountains and valleys that were near impossible to climb. It was so cold that many of the Noldor forgot the meaning of warmth. Icy mists turned every tear the shed to ice before hit the ground. You could not light a fire on the ice. The only thing you could do for warmth was stay close to each other and wrap yourselves in whatever clothing and blankets you had brought with you.

All around Calime, elves fell on the ice, frozen to death. They would lay there long after the Noldor had passed for to try and drag them along was suicide. Many death loved ones were simply left to rot on the ice. Their families moved on through their grief and more often then not, faded until they lay down to join those they had left behind.

20 years is not normally a long time to the elves but it felt like an eternity crossing that Hellish land. It was a miracle that Hantale, Valaralyion and Calime survived. The three became each other's family. At night, they would lie embracing each other, the two maidens wrapped in each of Valaralyion's arms, and put their blankets over each other for warmth.

Those that were alive, including the three, suffered much. Their skin grew dry and chapped to the point of bleeding. Calimë's dark hair grew slimy and oily and her scalp itched. She was almost tempted to cut it off but it made a warm, albeit itchy, scarf when wrapped around her neck and over her mouth and nose. She saved her ears from freezing off by wrapping a strip from the bottom of her dress around them. She borrowed Valaralyion's pants to keep her legs warm.

There was nothing glorious or heroic about the crossing. Many wished fervently that they had never left Tirion, never mind Valinor but they were there and there was no turning back. Everyone completed the crossing to Arda and was awed by the sight they received when they reached it.

20 years after leaving Valinor

When she had first started out on to the ice, Calime had had to watch ever step she made to keep from slipping. She would have fell at even the gentlest touch. Now she walked huddled with Hantalë, not needing to cast an eye towards where they were walking.

The elf-maiden who had first walked on to the Helcaraxë was not the same who would walk off. She was harder and wiser, perhaps. At first she had wept all the time at seeing the bodies of Noldor left along their path. Now, as she watched them fall, she felt a twinge of sorrow in her heart but shed not a tear. She had once liked luxury but now thought only of survival. She had not had a simple bath in longer than she could remember and even her finest dress was nothing but a rag. She was thin from lack of food and her mouth was dry from lack of water but they hardly bothered her because she was so used to it.

She did not even look to the stars any more. All her faith in the Valar had faded. She knew she could only rely on herself and her two companions.

Valaralyion spoke suddenly. Speaking was such a rare occurrence for any of them

"We are stopping to camp," he informed them.

Calime and Hantalë stopped without a word and set their packs down. It was the same every time they stopped to camp. There were no fires and little food. They would sit and rest for a while, perhaps eat a very small meal, and then they would sleep. They seldom said anything to each other.

Tonight was different though. They were coming close to Arda. Lord Fingolfin thought they would reach land before next they camped. Weary relief and sadness spread through out the Noldor quickly. Land meant more food, baths and new clothing but they would be leaving behind many lost loved ones.

"We will be to Arda soon," Valaralyion said to make conversation.

"Yes, it will be nice, will it not?" Hantalë asked wearily.

Calime nodded in agreement and drew out some bread and cheese, handing them to her companions. "It will be nice to have a bath and perhaps sleep in a warm bed. We should not hope for very much, though."

"I am looking forward to a good meal," Valaralyion sighed dreamily then his face turned serious. "It is sad that we shall have to leave so many behind. I would that they could share the comfort we shall soon receive."

For the first time in many years Calime's thoughts went to Arnono. She would that he could share them with her. She had left him behind, though, and that was the way it must be or she too would fade. When she reached the land, she would start her quest for redemption.

Hantale put a hand on her friend's shoulder, "You were thinking of Arnono, were you not?"

Calime nodded, "Yes but I must let go now. I must move on and try to redeem myself."

"We all regret what happened at Alqualonde," Valaralyion said.

"Then we must all redeem ourselves," she answered.

"What will we do when we reach Arda?" Hantale asked them.

Valaralyion replied, "We will either follow Fingolfin, acquire ourselves a map or both."

"Perhaps it would be wisest to follow Fingolfin for a while, to stay with the rest of the Noldor," Calime offered. "Besides, I would be there when Fingolfin confronts Feanor."

Hantale nodded, her eyes burning with anger, "I agree. I would see Feanor pay for all he has done. It is because of him that we faced the horrors of the Helcaraxë."

"Nay," Calime said. "It our own fault for ever having walked out the gates of Tirion. Feanor may have caused the kinslaying but we should never have left our home. We are to blame for our misfortunes, no one else."

"No, we should not have," Valaralyion agreed. "We are all to blame, not just one of us. We are free to make our own decisions."

Hantalë sighed, "Some fine decisions we made."

"The past is the past. Our decisions are made and cannot be undone. The only thing we can do is try to atone for them," Calime said wisely.

"I have asked myself many questions many time. Why did I leave Tirion? Why did I slay my kin? Why did I immediately assume that Fingolfin was right about Feanor burning the boats? If he was incorrect then we suffered needlessly," Hantale mused.

"It is far too late now," Valaralyion replied. "We followed Fingolfin without challenge."

"We could have returned with Finarfin," Hantale said.

"But we did not so there is no point wishing we had," Calime said, getting up to do her business. When she was finished she reached into her bag to get her blankets. "I am weary. It would be wise to get as much rest as we can."

Her companions agreed and they set up their makeshift bed. They snuggled together like usually and fell asleep.

When they woke again they packed quickly and began again to march. Everyone was eager to reach the land though not excited. Many were felt guilty for leaving loved ones behind. Calime simply looked forward and not back. She, Hantalë and Valaralyion walked in silence. Each was wrapped up in how the future would be. To Calime it seemed the future was barren of hope and filled with hardships but she had already learned that life was a rocky road.

The hours worn on and many had gone by since they had risen when Calime tripped on something and the ice and went sprawling. She sat up and looked back, her heart nearly stopping. On the ground, partially buried in ice was elfling barely passed 20 years. She knew that many mothers had left children behind but they usually wrapped them in something so they would not be seen. This child was uncovered, glassy eyes staring blankly up into the stars. For the first time in over fifteen years, Calime broke down and wept.

Reverently she took off her top blanket and cover the all too small child. They were but hours away from the land and the child had not lived to see it. She or he had died just before reaching land. Calime doubted the child had ever known life other than the Helcaraxë. It was a wonder that the child had survived this far but to die just as your goal was in reach was heartbreaking.

Valaralyion knelt beside Calime and drew her up. He wrapped her in the edge of his pile of blankets and let her cry on his shoulder as they passed. Calime wept long and hard, washing years of pent up sorrow away. She was far from heartless and untouched by the tragedy of the crossing and what had come before. All hope was lost to her and she wondered briefly where she got the strength to live.

At this wondering Calime abruptly stopped crying and wiped her eyes. She could not afford to think like that. She had to redeem herself and Arnono before she let darkness claim her. She new she had many years yet to go and she could not give up so soon, for her sake and her companions' sakes.

Calime lifted her weary head off Valaralyion's shoulder when they suddenly stopped. A gasp of awe went through the Noldor and their gaze was turned to the western sky. Calime looked back and her jaw dropped.

In the sky a bright silver light was rising quickly. It shed as bright a light on the land as once Telperion had. In the wake of its rays, the Helcaraxë glittered and gleamed like a jewel. The icy mists shimmered like silver caught in the light. The deadly land looked like a dreamland touched by the Valar. Who would have known that something so deadly could be so lovely. It was all thanks to the silver orb that rode up through the stars.

After a few moments in silent awe, Fingolfin gave the signal and the silver trumpets began to play. The host's banners were unfurled and they began marching again with a small seed of hope planted in their hearts. Before them the light cast a silver carpet but it was cut short. They ice began to disappear and water pooled around their legs. It was icy but they endured it with Noldorin pride or at least whatever was left of it. The water grew deeper until they had to swim but the blessed sound of waves could be heard not far away.

Calime swam harder than she ever had before. For a moment hope sparked in her at the sound of the waves and she dove for the breakers swiftly followed by Hantale and Valaralyion. Noldor were already collapsed on the beach and Calime's momentary hope almost faded when she remembered Alqualonde but she pushed the thought aside. The past was the past and the future was waiting but feet away.

Her feet hit the sand and she stood for a moment relishing the feeling. She smiled faintly before she began to shiver. She moved closer to shore and slowly her upper body began to feel warmer because of the air. She finally made it through the shallows clinging to her two friends and they collapsed in the sand together.

Back on the far horizon, the Helcaraxë gleamed silver under the light. Calime shivered looking at the icy expanse that far beyond the horizon. Then she closed her eyes, fell back on Valaralyion's shoulder and closed her eyes.

The grey trumpets cry

As we march under the silver sky

Those that fell to the ice

Are left behind

The land is green

As far as is to be seen

A far cry from the white

On which we had walked

Above our heads

The new orb shines

The stars are bright

Under which our banners fly

Author's note: Thank you for reading and please review if you would. Here are the review replies.

Morwen-re: Thank you. I think you are doing well with your own story. Update soon!

Elfique: Thank you for reviewing and thank you for the compliments. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I added the child in to show another side of the story. I'm sure not all the Noldor left Tirion for the same reason. What was it that you didn't expect? And here is your more!

Questions for readers:

What is your opinion of the kinslaying?

Who would you have followed out of Tirion or would you not have gone at all?

Would you have returned to Valinor with Finarfin or crossed the Helcaraxë with Fingolfin?

I'd be delighted to here your opinions!