Red flags, red sirens, red stop signs, red lights - Max's head was filled with the color red. She was tempted to think green and deepen the kiss, but the reds got the best of her and she tore herself away. She removed her hand from under his and stepped away. She knew her eyes were telling him everything, but she just couldn't get them to shut up.
"I can't, we can't," she said.
She ran a hand through her hair and wondered why she was keeping herself from doing what she wanted. Because she always did what was right. If it meant keeping herself from happiness, she did it anyway. It was Logan's influence, she knew, and she wondered if he was kicking himself over it.
"You're right," he admitted. He didn't sound happy about it.
"It doesn't feel right," she said. "Deedra's… right now she's the enemy. Sorry to think Manticore here, but she's my enemy in all this - and I still can't even do that to her. God, you really screwed me up, Logan!"
His eyes widened. "I screwed you up? I screwed you up?"
"Yeah," she said and nodded furiously. "If it was the me before you, we'd still be in that kiss right now. But it's the post-Logan Cale me and… and I'm your field commander!"
Logan's lips twisted into a grin at her reference, but the smile lasted a very short time. He let out a long breath. "I don't know what to do here, Max."
She slid back into her chair across from him and said, "We can talk. First, here I go doing the damn right thing - I don't want you to give Deedra the brush off tomorrow. She must be making you happy if you've been… seeing her for a month now. I - I don't want to mess it up for you. She could be…"
"She's not," he interrupted.
"You don't know that," Max told him.
"I do," Logan insisted.
She shook her head. "Just promise me you won't. God, I can't even believe I'm doing this! What've you done to me, Logan?"
"Created a monster, it looks like," he replied quietly.
"It snows a lot in Canada," she said suddenly. She stared down at her mess of a sandwich again. "I mean, you think you know it snows a lot when you go there, but when you get there, you realize you had no idea. You had no damn idea and you're suddenly trapped in a blizzard."
Logan took a drink from Max's glass of water then said, "My friends and I went to Canada once when we were eighteen - so we could drink. Needless to say, I don't really remember Canada."
"You're lucky then," she said and began ripping apart Logan's untouched sandwich. "I can't shake the memories."
"What did Zack say when you left?" he asked.
"Well," she said, "I didn't exactly tell him. We were getting ready to go to France and there were two planes. We were gonna meet in Pennsylvania and take a commercial out of Philly, but… I never made it to Pennsylvania. I had them deliver a message to him when he landed. God only knows what he's doing right now."
"He'll come back for you," Logan stated. He watched for her expression.
"No, I think he's done with me now," she said and began to shred the sandwich into even smaller bits. "I think he'll finally wash his hands of me after this one."
"He won't," he told her. "He cares about you, and I don't mean like a brother."
She stopped shredding the sandwich but didn't look up at him. She kept her eyes on the sandwiches and thought of the last night she was in heat. Her brow furrowed.
"The town we were in didn't even have a name."
He accepted her change of subject. "How'd everyone get their mail?"
"Don't know," she replied with a shrug. "We weren't exactly hoping for any letters from Lydecker, ya know?"
"I missed you," he said. "I don't know how many times I can say that."
"Have you ever stared at a ceiling?" she asked suddenly.
Confused, he shook his head.
"It's weird," she said, an unfamiliar dreamy quality in her voice. "The ceiling is plain, there's no designs, but it makes you think. The more you think, the more color the ceiling seems to get. It's like your painting it with your thoughts. It's stupid, yeah, but it was comforting. In Canada, I mean. In Manticore it was always institution gray, but then after the escape, the world was in color. My world hasn't had much color in the past two months."
He had no idea what she was really talking about, but he understood. "I know what you mean. It's sort of like life is actually hitting you right now, whereas before it was just sort of… punching around you."
"Yeah," she replied quietly with a nod.
"Max," he asked tentatively, "you know I won't listen to you, right? About Deedra, I mean."
"I know," she admitted. "We've affected each other too much by this point. I'm helping little old ladies with their groceries and you're breaking innocent hearts."
"Freaky Friday," he murmured.
"Hmm?"
"Nothing."
"Well," she said and pushed the plates of sandwiches away, "I should get going. You need sleep… or rather, you need to lie to me and tell me you'll sleep but really go back to work."
He looked down at the plate of sandwiches and smirked. "Look at the mess you made."
Max kept all smart remarks to herself.