Chapter Three:

"Why were you never told about your father?" Daniel echoed, surprise etched on his face. "Well…"

General Peterson looked at my mother, who was looking annoyed and somewhat pale. Then the General looked straight at me. "I'm afraid there's not much I can tell you about him." He told me. "Because the details surrounding his death have been classified beyond your clearance – and by the President himself."

"So what can you tell me?" I asked.

"That's up to your mother." He replied.

My mother. It seemed everything boiled down to that – everything was up to my mother. So I turned to her and raised an eyebrow, unable to keep the bitterness out of my voice. "Do I get the truth this time?" I asked bluntly.

"Excuse me." The General muttered. "I'll leave you to this."

I nodded absently, my eyes still focused on my mother. Teal'c and Daniel followed the General out, obviously wanting to give my mother and me some privacy. "So?" I asked again.

My mother shut her eyes and ran a hand over her face. "Your father's name was Colonel Jack O'Neill." She whispered softly. "And he was my CO."

I watched the pain and sadness wash over my mother's face – and saw the love that was clear in her eyes. It warmed my heart and softened the icy feeling of betrayal to know that she still loved him so much.

"And why couldn't you tell me?" I exploded, pained and angry. "Why did you let me believe he was just a friend?"

"I had to, sweetheart." My mother looked at me in anguish. "Please believe me."

"Why, mom?" I snapped. "Give me a reason why you couldn't tell me, and I might consider believing you. Damn it, you lied to me for 20 years!"

"I had to!"

"Mom!" I snapped, finally letting all the years of pain and anger out. I surged to me feet and began pacing around the room, unable to keep still. "Do you know how it feels growing up surrounded by secrecy? Never even having a picture of your father? Or even a name, for God's sake? For once, could you just tell me the damn truth?!"

My mother looked at me with tears in her eyes. "Oh, Shannon. I'm so sorry…really. I know you probably can't believe this, but I did it to protect you."

"Protect me?" I echoed, still furious. "From what? My father's love?"

Tears began to fall down my mother's face, and something that felt like pain stabbed through my heart. "From getting too attached to him." She barely whispered.

"Too attached to him?" Curiosity warred with anger at her words; the curiosity won. "What do you mean?"

My mother looked at me, silent tears still pouring down her face and memories clouding her eyes. "Before you were born…I knew he was going to die. We all did."

I came to sit down again. "Tell me." I said quietly. "As much as you can…just tell me, mom."

She nodded. "I can't tell you much. It's been classified to high, even for you." She looked up and her expression was faintly insulted. "I can't even talk about it to anyone who was there. Despite the fact we all lost a part of our hearts that day…and without you I fear I would have lost it all."

Touched by her words, despite the lies and distance between us. I reached out and gently put my hand over hers. She gave me a soft smile, before continuing. "I can tell you that we knew that he would die and there was nothing we could do to stop it. And believe me, I tried everything I could think of to save him. Of course, being Jack, he lasted for five more years than we thought he would."

"You don't mean he was killed by cancer of something, do you?" I mused. "It was some sort of alien technology, wasn't it?"

"Yes and no. It was…well, like a disease in a way. But your right, it was alien."

I nodded slowly, trying to absorb everything. The whole 'stargate' thing, followed by the vague details of my father's death. "So, how did I come to be?" I asked, trying to smile.

"I'd like to say we decided to hell with the regulations, or we found a way around them, but I can't." Mom said. "In reality, we got rather drunk and our control slipped for a night."

As if hearing what she had just said, my mother's head jerked up. "Damn," she said, running her hand through her hair. "That sounded cheap. It wasn't. We both loved each other – always had and I always will – but we didn't want to jeopardise what we did. It was too important. All the same, whether it was the alcohol or the news…I don't know. But, for a night our control slipped. And the result was you."

"We knew we couldn't continue any relationship." She continued. "As much as it hurt to admit. And believe me, it did hurt. But I wasn't going to give you up." She took a breath. "As for the rest…I didn't tell you, because I didn't want you have to go through all the pain of loosing your father."

"And you didn't think that not knowing him would hurt worse?" I asked softly, not really angry anymore. I was more numb.

My mother winced at my words. "No I didn't. But I should've." She looked up at me. "Oh, Shan. You don't know how many times I've wished that I told you and that you knew him…even if you were going to loose him. But when I thought of how much it would hurt me, and how a little part would die when it happened…I just didn't want that for you."

"And Jack agreed to this?"

"Yes…but I think he regretted that decision when he saw you." She whispered.

I stood up, suddenly needing to get out of here and think for a while. "I need to think about all this. I can't decide anything just yet." I glanced over my shoulder as I paused at the door. "One day I'll ask you about him and how you met. But not yet. I couldn't face that right now."

I stepped forward, meaning to step through the door and walk out of the base. But something made me stop and turn back to my mother. Perhaps I regretted all the secrecy between us and wanted to clear the air while I could…I don't know.

"And you're right, he did regret it." I told my mother softly. "That day he knew he wasn't coming back, he told me. Since I was about eight years old I knew he was my father."

I paused and took the dogtags from around my neck. "He gave me these." I said, holding them up so the winked in the light, and crossed the floor to where my mother sat. "A part of my father that was always close to my heart. But maybe you need them now, more than I do."

I slipped out the room as my mother stared at the dogtags, tears pouring down her face. Part of my wanted to stay and curl up in her arms again, like I had done when I was a child. To hear all about my father and the man he had been. But I couldn't. The wound of the betrayal had been ripped open today and everything was too raw. I needed to wrap my head around everything before I could even think about my future.

I got into my car and drove aimlessly around, not really knowing anyplace to go. And I couldn't exactly spill my guts to anyone, now could I?

In the end, I went back home for a second, grabbing my and the photo it contained of my father. Then I just picked a road and drove for as long as I could stand. And when I couldn't anymore, I found a place to pull over and got out the car. I found myself standing on a hill looking over the small town of Colorado Springs. It looked so safe and happy sprawled out below me.

Everything I wasn't. I ran my hand over my face and took a seat on the bonnet of my car, staring at the photo in my hand. I was surprised when I felt tears begin to fall down my face…tears at the time I had wasted in talking to my father, the pain my mother had endure for years, the empty place in my life when my father should have been and tears for the death of my father. I could finally grieve for him, knowing now that there really was no chance of him coming back – no matter how hard I wished or prayed.

I finally dried my eyes as dusk began to fall, and leaned back against the windshield, completely exhausted from the day I had just had. As I watched the stars coming out and the skies grow dark, I began to process all the information that I had learnt at the base. And it wasn't as heard to accept as I had thought. I guess it might have had something to do with the stories Jack had liked to tell me. My dad…when I think about it, he was always there for me. I could tell him things I couldn't tell my mother, and I think he treasured that more than he let on.

I smiled softly as my eyes drifted shut and I began to doze…

"Hey, kiddo." Jack said as he walked up behind me.

I was perched on his roof, staring at the stars. I had just had an argument with my mother about my birthday party. I wanted to go to the swimming pool, but she was being so unfair and wouldn't let me.

"Hey Jack." I said, scrubbing away my tears.

"Looking at the stars?" he asked gently, even though I knew that he knew why I was up here.

"Yeah." I answered. "I always like to imagine your stories are true and there are really other people up there, kinda looking down on us."

He smiled briefly at my words, and I wondered what amused him so. "Your mother's worried about you." He said.

Mom had let me come over to Jack's tonight, because there was a barbecue and everyone was here. "I know." I replied.

Wordlessly, Jack pulled me closer and I snuggled closer to his side, happy to lie there against him. When Jack hugged me, I felt like nothing in the world could ever hurt me. WE continued to stare up at the stars for a while.

"You know, kiddo." Jack finally said. "Sometimes life is hard and we don't get what we want. It seems hard at the time, but sometimes you just have to accept it. Sometimes there are battles you can't win."

"So, you don't think mom will let my have my party at the pool?" I asked.

Jack laughed softly and I felt it vibrate in his chest. "No. Maybe next year."

I nodded. "Maybe. I'll just have to spend the year thinking of lots of really good reasons."

Jack looked at me then, a strange expression on his face. "Don't ever forget that, kiddo. Half the battle of wanting something is knowing how to fight for it." Then he looked back at the stars and I caught the sad look on his face. "And the other half it is learning how to let it go." He whispered.

I jerked up into a sitting position, chilled to the bone. I glanced at my watch and realised I had been asleep for a couple of hours. I was freezing! I jumped back into the car and drove home, all the while my dream playing back through my head. I recognised it as a memory…I had been about seven and it was only a few months later that my father had died.

Looking back on it, I could see the double meaning behind the words and the pain behind the words. Especially his last words: Half the battle of wanting something is knowing how to fight for it…and the other half is learning how to let it go. I realised that, during those last months, my father had tried to let go of all the dreams he might have once had of a family with my mother. And I grieved for it.

I let myself into my mother's house and crept up to my room. She wasn't up, so I wasn't sure whether she was still at the base or had already gone to bed. And I didn't have the heart to check. So, instead, I went straight into my bedroom and fell exhausted into bed. But I felt strangely at peace; I had begun to accept why my parents hadn't told me the truth…and decided what I was going to do about my future.

I groaned slightly as my alarm went off beside me. It was way too early to be getting up. I had never been a morning person, and saw no reason to start now. Then I remembered the reason I had wanted to get up this early.

Rolling out of bed in a mass of sheets and blankets, I stumbled to the kitchen, glad to see my mother was there and she still hadn't left for work yet. "Hi, Shannon." She said softly at my appearance.

"Hi." I mumbled. "Coffee."

Smiling slightly, she handed my a cup. "Thanks." I grunted.

I sipped the hot, bitter liquid and felt myself begin to wake up. Then I turned to her. "I did a lot of thinking last night." I began. "And I came to some conclusions."

My mother nodded. "I thought you would."

"Number one: I understand why you felt you couldn't tell me who my father was. I don't like it or appreciated it, but I understand." I said. "Number two: One day I will find out what happened to my father in exact detail – even if I have to become President to find out. Number three: I want to work at the SGC."

"Thank you for understanding." My mother said quietly. "And for what it's worth, I will always regret that decision."

I nodded and took another sip of coffee. "Now go and get dressed." She continued. "You can't turn up for work in your pyjamas."

Author's Note: So, what do you think? I hope Sam didn't sound too out of character.

Cheeky.