..: Accents, Contacts, and Hair Dye, Oh My:..
DISCLAIMER: "Great! …Where are we going?"
Okay, one very important thing: the Holocaust is something that should be remembered with the utmost sincerity and seriousness, so that we never make that mistake again. Therefore, I will not be parodying that part of the movie, but will skip ahead to the Kiss of Death.
Without further ado, here is the cast in order of appearance:
Rogue's Mother – Amara Aquilla / Magma
Rogue
David – Remy LeBeau / Gambit
Rogue's Father – Roberto DaCosta / Sunspot
Jean Grey
Senator Kelly
Henry Guyrich (Mystique)
Charles Xavier / Professor X
Eric Magnus Lensherr / Magneto
Logan Howlett / Wolverine
Cage Fighter – Evan Daniels / Spyke
Victor Creed / Sabretooth
Ororo Munroe / Storm
Scott Summers / Cyclops
Mortimer Toynbee / Todd Tolesnky / Toad
Kitty Pryde / Shadowcat
Bobby Drake / Iceman
Jubilation Lee / Jubilee
Teleportation-eque Powers Boy – Kurt Wagner / Nightcrawler
Piotr Rasputin / Colossus (Lamest Cameo Ever)
Walking on Water Powers Boy – Sam Guthrie / Cannonball
St. John Allerdyce / Pyro
Raven Darkholme / Mystique
Bullet Cop – Evan Daniels / Spyke
Mayor of New York – Pietro Maximoff / Quicksilver
"PLACES, PEOPLE!" Tabby yelled Frau Farbissina-esquely.
Kurt rubbed his ears. "I thought Forge was the Director," he said.
"Yeah, but I'm unofficially his official Assistant Director," Tabby said. "And I packed Forge off to go get Logan back from Far, Far, Away Land before Rogue gets to Alberta. Now I need Rogue, Remy – you get a bit part as The Boy Who Gets Put in a Coma, aka David. Stop whining, you get to kiss Rogue!"
Remy shut up.
Tabby continued. "…Amara and Robbie in the house STAT!"
"Why should we listen to you?" Bobby said, trying to sound rebellious. However, this is Bobby we're talking about, and it just came out as…dorky.
Tabby held up Forge's latest toy. "He gave it to me as a Congrats For Making Assistant Director, Now Please Don't Murder Me in My Sleep present," she said. "Wow, even as an acronym that's long. How about I just call it Kiriyama?" (1) The toy – present – Kiriyama was (any BR fans?) a machine gun. Except the bullets were liquid-filled capsules.
"…Do we even want to know what's in those?" Kitty asked.
"Well, since you asked," Tabby said with a sadistic smirk (hooray for alliteration!), "The container's water balloon-like, only harder. Hurts when you get hit and has a guaranteed break. (2) And the stuff inside is Scott's cologne."
There was a horrific gasp.
"Completely undiluted," Tabby added.
Amara couldn't have started playing the piano faster.
However, due to the fact that Tabby was standing next to her, holding Kiriyama at the ready, she messed up quite a bit. It wasn't until Tabby moved on to Remy and Rogue that she stopped messing up so much.
ROMY was in Rogue's room, planning a trip to Alaska. "…Niagra Falls, up tha Canadian Rockies, and then it's only a few hundred mahles ta Anchorage."
"CUT!" Tabby yelled, sauntering over to Rogue. "Rogue, you're going to need to lighten up on that accent of yours!" she said cheerfully.
"Lahten up?" Rogue repeated.
"Just a little," Tabby said.
"A little?"
"Okay, a lot," Tabby said.
Rogue gave her A Look.
"Okay, nonexistent," Tabby said.
"Ah am NOT getting' rid of mah accent!" Rogue said.
"Actually, all The Authoress has to do is stop writing it," Tabby said.
"But she's not," Rogue said.
"How do you know?" Tabby said.
"Ah know because Ah am still usin' mah accent," Rogue said.
Tabby shrugged. "Fair enough." Then she grabbed a water gun and sprayed Rogue in the face. "Anna Paquin didn't wear any makeup," she explained, tossing a towel to a soaking wet and livid Rogue. After blow-drying her hair, she covered Rogue's eyes with the towel and sprayed her bangs with some weird hairspray.
Rogue jumped away. "What are yah doin'?" she demanded.
Tabby held up the hairspray. "Forge's invention," she said. "Spray-on hair dye. There's only one way to get it out, and I'm not telling you."
"Couldn' yah just bahye this at a store?" Rogue said.
"Yep," Tabby said.
"So whah did Forge have ta make one?" Rogue demanded.
"Because I was too lazy to go to the store, they probably wouldn't have it in your hair color – they always have everything except the one you need – and Forge wanted to prove that he could make something like spray-on hair dye," Tabby said. She then proceeded to poke Rogue in the eye.
Rogue jerked away again. "Now what?"
"Anna Paquin didn't bother with contacts," Tabby said. "So now you have to."
Rogue then saw the brown contact on Tabby's finger. "No. Way."
Tabby sighed. "Blue, could ya give me a hand here?"
"Kurt, doan!" Rogue yelled.
Kurt sighed. "I feel your pain. I'm doomed to a relationship with Storm. Not that I'm saying that you're not likeable," Kurt added quickly to Ororo.
"No, it's just way too cradle-robbing," Ororo said.
"Actually," Tabby said, "Nightcrawler's been dropped from X-Men 3."
"YES!" Kurt yelled. Then, "I'll hold her arms."
"KURT!" Rogue yelled.
"De lack of makeup is a good t'ing, but Remy agree wit' his chere on dis one," Remy said. "Lose de green eyes? Dat's just not right."
"I agree," Tabby said, putting the contacts back in their case. "I just wanted to see if Kurt would turn on his sister."
"Hey, I'm not in the third or first movie, I'm happy!" Kurt said.
Tabby sighed theatrically. "ACTION!" she yelled FF-esquely. (Frau Farbissina, for those with short attention spans. And don't tell me you don't know who she is.)
Rogue, obviously, had forgotten her line. "…Somethin', somethin', somethin', uh, Anchorage."
"Well, won' it be kind of cold?" Remy asked.
"That's tha point, Swamp Rat," Rogue said. "Otherwahse, it wouldn' be an adventure."
"And when are y' gonna do dis?" Remy said.
Rogue sat down on the bed. "Ah dunno." Remy rolled over so that he was right next to her. "After hahgh school. Befoah college."
Remy leaned in for a kiss. However, due to the fact that Rogue didn't have her power negator on, something weird happened. Usually, when Rogue touches someone, they go negative, and it's like zappy, zappy! They're knocked out. But since this is the movie, instead, the veins in Remy's face started standing out. Freaky? I think yes. Anyway, so he broke the kiss (realizing a little late that something freeaaky was going on) and started gasping for air like a fish out of water.
Downstairs, Amara was still playing the piano when she heard Rogue shriek.
Ya gotta admit, though, that was a nice shriek.
By the time Robbie and Amara had gotten up to Rogue's room, Rogue had backed herself into a corner and was freaking out. "Rogue!" Robbie said, then saw Remy. "What the…?"
"Ah doan know what happened ta him," Rogue sobbed. "Ah doan know what – Ah just touched him. Ah didn' mean ta-"
"Call an ambulance!" Robbie yelled.
Amara tried to comfort Rogue. "Doan touch!" Rogue said.
"Rogue-" Amara started.
"JUST GET AWAY FROM MEH!" Rogue shrieked. Amara ran out to call an ambulance.
The scene changed from Rogue freaking out to Washington, DC, where Jean was giving a speech. All the New Recruits were the people listening to her – or rather, pretending to listen to her while desperately trying not to fall asleep.
Tabby mock-saluted Principal, er, Senator Kelly. "Go ahead, Kelly," she said. "Knock her dead!"
Jean started on her speech. "Ladies and gentlemen, we are now seeing the beginnings of a different stage of human evolution. These mutations manifest at puberty, and are often triggered by periods of heightened emotional stress…"
Just about everyone had fallen asleep by now. Only Kelly and M – ister Guyrich were still awake.
"You haven't answered my question," Kelly said. "Three words: Are mutants dangerous?"
"That's an unfair question," Jean said. "The wrong person behind the wheel of a car can be dangerous."
"Well, we do license people to drive," Kelly said.
"Yes, but not to live," Jean said.
"Well, uh…" Kelly grabbed a paper. "I have a list of identified mutants!"
Jubes nudged Bobby. "Why does his list of identified mutants say 'Viagra' at the top in REALLY big letters?" she said. "Bobby?"
Bobby mumbled in his sleep. "Mommy, make my Raggedy Ann doll stop calling me a freak…"
Jubes decided to leave him alone after that.
Kelly "read" off his "list". "Says here a girl in…Illinois can…which freak was she again? Uh…walk through walls! What's to stop her from walking right into the White House? Huh? Huh? HUH?"
Jean opened her mouth, but Kelly cut her off. "The truth is," he said, addressing the mutant…um…haters around him, "Mutants are very real. They live among us. We must know who they are. And above all, we must know what they can do!"
Several loud snores answered him.
Jubes poked Bobby again. "Huh?" Bobby mumbled, still asleep. "Yeah, you go Mr. Slater(3)…that Viagra girl can walk right into a lighthouse…" He started snoring.
Jubes got up and sat down next to Sam, who was trying his hardest not to fall asleep. "If I even try to wake Bobby up, slap me," she said to him.
Xavier, who had been watching from a floor up, noticed Magsy get up and leave. Of course, he had to follow him. "Eric," he said. "What are you doing here?"
Magsy stopped walking. "Why do you ask questions to which you already know the answers?"
"Don't give up on them, Eric," Xavier said.
"What would you have me do, Charles?" Magsy said. "I've heard these arguments before."
"It was a long time ago," Xavier said. "Mankind has evolved since then."
"Yes," Magsy said, "Into us." He tapped his head. "You sneaking around in here, Charles?" he asked. "Whatever are you looking for?" He turned around.
"I'm looking for hope," Xavier said.
"I will bring you hope, old friend," Magsy said. "And I ask only one thing in return: Don't get in my way." He tipped his hat and walked off. "We are the future, not them. They no longer matter."
Forge drove up in Scott's convertible and hopped out. "What'd I miss?"
Logan got out behind him, took one look at Rogue, and tried to run back to the car.
Tabby grabbed him by the arm. "C'mon, Badger," she said. "It can't be that bad."
"I have to like Red," Logan said.
"…Okay, so it is that bad," Tabby said. "But you get to beat people up along the way."
Logan rolled his eyes, but walked off.
IN NORTHERN ALBERTA, CANADA…
Rogue had hitched a ride with Kurt the Trucker to Canada. Kurt opened the door on her side. "This is it," he said.
Rogue grabbed her duffel bag and got out. "Where are we?" she said. "Ah thought yah said yah'd take me as far as Laughlin City."
"This is Laughlin City," Kurt said.
Rogue, being completely lost and clearly having one of those Oh-crap-what-have-Ah-gotten-mahself-inta moments, followed Kurt into a bar where there was a cagefight going on. Of course, the New Recruits and everyone else who wasn't used in the movie were the audience. Rogue got to the cage in time to see Ray and Sam drag Todd out of it. Logan was drinking a bottle of beer.
"In all my years, I've never seen anything like that," Lance the Announcer Dude said. "Are you gonna let this man walk away with your money?"
Evan stood up. "I'll fight him!" he yelled.
Lance snorted. "Whatever you do, don't hit him in the balls," he said.
"I thought you said anything goes," Evan said.
"Anything goes, but he'll take it personally," Lance said.
The bell dinged, and Evan got ready to fight.
Logan kept drinking his beer.
So Evan punched Logan a few times while he downed the rest of his beer. Then Logan got annoyed and stopped Evan's fist with his own.
Ouch. Did you hear the metal? Well, typically, you wouldn't, but this is the movie, remember.
And, needless to say, Evan got his ass kicked.
Badly.
As in, the-fight-was-over-in-three-seconds-flat bad.
The bell dinged again. "Ladies and gentlemen," Lance the Announcer Dude said, "Tonight's winner and still champion, the Wolverine!"
Everyone else not used in the movie (let's just call them Evo's, okee?) were supposed to be booing Logan (for winning all their money, because they were stupid enough to bet on everyone else), but they were just too busy laughing at Evan. Ray and Sam were supposed to be dragging him out of the cage, but it was just more fun to watch him drag himself out.
LATER…
Lance was counting his money, Kurt was asleep on a couch, and Rogue was sitting at the bar, staring at the Tip Jar that said "Tipping is NOT a City in China" and (still) thinking, "Oh crap what have Ah gotten mahself inta."
Lance saw her staring at the Tip Jar and her glass of water. "You want something new?" he asked. "Or are you sticking with water?" He moved the Tip Jar further away.
Logan walked over and sat down. "I'll have a beer," he said to Lance, tossing a few bills on the counter.
For some reason, the volume on the TV mysteriously turned up RIGHT when Pietro the Dude on TV started talking about Ellis Island. "…Ellis Island, once the arrival point for thousands of American immigrants, is opening its doors again. Preparations are nearly completed for the upcoming United Nations world summit. With nearly every nation confirmed, the event promises to be the largest single gathering of world leaders in history. The leaders of over 200 nations will discuss issues ranging from the world's economic climate and weapon treaties to the mutant phenomenon and its impact on our world stage. Blah blah blah…in other words, this is FORESHADOWING, so I hope you paid attention!" The TV abruptly shut off.
Logan raised an eyebrow at the TV, shrugged, and got started on another beer. Since Rogue was still in her oh-crap-what-have-Ah-gotten-mahself-inta trance, she was now staring at Logan. Probably because of the metal noise that happened every time he punched Evan.
Speak of the Porcupine…
Evan walked up to Logan and tapped him on the shoulder. "You owe me some money," he said. "No man takes a beating like that without a mark to show for it." Logan ignored him and kept drinking his beer. Evan leaned forward. "I know what you are," he said.
"You lost your money, Porcupine," Logan said. "Keep this up, you'll lose something else." He turned back to his beer.
Evan yanked out a spike. "Look out!" Rogue shrieked.
Logan whirled around and pinned Evan against the wall with two of his claws on either side of his neck. The middle claw slowly slid out and stopped just barely touching Evan's throat.
There was the sound of a gun clicking, and Logan turned to fid that Lance was poking him in the head with a rifle. "Get out of my bar, freak," Lance said.
Logan rolled his eyes, then brought his other arm back and shot his claws out, cutting the rifle in two and holding Lance at claw-point. He glared at both of them, retracted his claws, and walked out of the bar, still glaring at everyone in general. After he left, Rogue glanced around at everyone else, who still hadn't moved, then grabbed her bag and left.
OUTSIDE…
Logan got into his trailer, started the car, lit a cigar, and spent a few minutes staring at his knuckles. Ahem. That would be the Wolverine's brief moment of angst.
He had been driving for a while when he finally heard a thud outside. He got out to the back of the trailer and poked a…thing that had a blanket over it. The thing jumped. Logan tore off the blanket to reveal Rogue's head, her trenchcoat (okay, it's Remy's trenchcoat, but whatever), and her duffel bag. Slick hiding place, no?
"What the hell are you doing?" Logan demanded.
"Ah'm sorrah," Rogue said. "Ah needed a rahde. Thought yah maht help meh."
Logan tossed her duffel bag onto the snow. "Get out."
"Where am Ah supposed ta go?" Rogue said.
"I dunno," Logan said.
"Yah doan know or yah doan care?" Rogue said, hopping out.
"Pick one," Logan said. He turned and walked away.
"Ah saved yoah lahfe," Rogue called.
"No you didn't," Logan said, getting into the car and driving away.
He didn't even get 25 feet.
"Yah doan have anythin' ta eat, do yah?" Rogue asked after he started driving again.
Logan stuck his cigar in his mouth, opened the glove compartment, and pulled out some beef jerky wrapped in foil. Rogue yanked off her gloves and started eating. "Ah'm Rogue," she said.
Logan took a drag on his cigar.
Rogue saw his dogtag. "Were yah in tha army?" she asked. "Doesn' that mean yah were in tha army?"
Logan tucked his dogtag inside his shirt.
Rogue looked back into the rest of the trailer. Needless to say, it wasn't much. "Wow," she said.
"What?" Logan demanded.
"Suddenly mah lahfe doesn' look that bad," Rogue said.
"If you'd prefer the road…" Logan began.
"No, no," Rogue said quickly. "It looks great. Looks cozy." She ate another piece of jerky.
Logan saw her rubbing her hands together to keep them warm. He turned on the heater. "Put yer hands on the heater," he said, reaching for her hand.
Rogue jerked away. "I'm not gonna hurt you, Stripes," he said.
"Yeah, you can't really call her that yet," Forge said.
"Why not?" Logan demanded.
"Because she doesn't have stripes," Forge said.
Logan and Rogue both glanced at her hair and noticed that her hair was completely auburn. "Oh, yeah," Rogue said, glaring at Tabby, who in return winked and patted Kiriyama.
"Just call her 'kid'," Tabby advised. "That's what they call her in the movie."
Logan rolled his eyes. "I'm not gonna hurt you, kid," he said.
"It's nothin' personal," Rogue said. "It's just that, when people touch mah skin, somethin' happens."
"What?" Logan asked.
"Ah dunno," Rogue said. "They just get hurt."
"Fair enough," Logan said.
Rogue looked at his hand on the steering wheel. "When they come out," she asked, "Does it hurt?"
"Every time," Logan said. "…So, what kind of a name is Rogue?"
"Ah doan know," Rogue said. "What kahnd of a name is Wolverine?"
"My name's Logan," Logan said.
"Marie," Rogue said. "Yah know, yah should wear yoah seatbelt."
"Look, kid," Logan said. "I don't need advice on auto safety from-" A tree fell in front of the trailer and they crashed. Logan flew out through the windshield and landed several feet away.
Rogue was jerked forward over her seatbelt.
And if things couldn't get worse, a little fire was starting in the back of the trailer. Rogue looked out the windshield at Logan, who was just starting to get to his feet. Rogue tried to get her seatbelt off, but it was stuck.
Logan walked back to the trailer. "You all right?" he asked. The nasty gash on his forehead healed into nothingness. Rogue stared. "Kid, are you all right?" he repeated.
"Ah'm stuck!" Rogue yelled.
Logan wiped the blood off his face, then saw the trunk of the tree that he had crashed into. Obviously, the tree hadn't broken off naturally. Logan sniffed the air, shooting his claws out.
And Sabey burst out of the trees and tackled Logan. Then he threw him into a tree. Then Sabey grabbed a tree and clocked him upside the head. Logan flew up in the air and landed on the hood of the trailer, his claws retracted. Sabey started walking toward the trailer.
Rogue looked back and saw the flames getting worse. Plus, a bit of wire attached to a tank of gas was starting to light up. Rogue struggled with her seatbelt faster.
Sabey was almost at the trailer when he noticed that the wind was starting to pick up. A lot. He turned around and saw Ororo and Scott. Ororo's eyes were completely whited out, instead of the glowy blue thing, and she was wearing her "Future X-Men" uniform (sleeves that went allt he way down and became fingerless gloves, cape attached to her wrist like the 'mics, thigh-high boots…for an image, go to http/ x-men. toonzone. net/ faframes. htm and click on "Storm") Scott was also in his future X-Men uniform (everyone who has a uniform in this has their "future" one, cuz…um, yeah. But that's only Storm, Scott, Jean, and Logan, which is a real pity).
Scott fired a blast at Sabey, but he jumped up and took off into the trees. Scott instead blew up the fallen tree.
The trailer was going to blow any minute. Rogue was really panicking now. Then Scott and Ororo showed up and blasted the seatbelt. Ororo held out her hand, Rogue grabbed it, and they both ran away from the trailer. Scott grabbed Logan off the hood and dragged him away too.
The flames traveled down the wire and got to the gas tank…
And nothing happened.
Forge sighed. "JOHN!" he yelled FF-esquely.
John looked up from where he had just finished refilling his flamethrower with gas. He looked from the burning trailer to his flamethrower. "Oh, you were going to use that?" he asked.
Tabby rolled her eyes and chucked a few bombs into the trailer.
Then it blew up.
(1) – In the book (and movie) Battle Royale, Kazuo Kiriyama's infamous weapon is a machine gun. BTW, if you haven't seen/read either, I highly suggest doing so. However, do neither if you a) don't like gore, b) don't like watching teens killing each other, c) are particularly weak of stomach on graphic violence, d) can't read a book over 300 pages long, e) any of the above. For the rest of you, I highly recommend it. Sure, with 42 students it's confusing, but just keep reading (don't stop and go back, trust me) and you'll understand.
(2) – You know how with some balloons, it doesn't matter how hard you throw it, it just won't break? Yeah, so Tabby's definitely do.
(3) – Kelly Slater…the surfer…Edward Kelly…get it?